Candy Mountain

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“Let's go to Candy Mountain, Charlie!!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Candy Mountain

Candy Mountain, as depicted by an anonymous sculptor.

Candy Mountain is a magical land where lollipops grow like daisies and chocolate flows like a river. There are gumdrops on every street corner and the supply of Jolly Ranchers are copious. But behind this wondrous, sugar-coated environment is a corrupt, fascist government led by the military dictator, Baby Ruth. He uses the wondrous candy parks and pavillions to hide his secret plans to build a porno factory on St. Charles Place. He also has a scheme to conquer the Mediterranean with a buttocks cannon. The cannon fires breasts into the sky so everyone in candy mountain gets to have sex.

[edit] History

Candy Mountain was first settled by the nomadic Fructosians in 2887 B.C. The area was perfect for a new society, as it was situated between the Hershey and Mars Bars rivers. They cultivated M&M's and domesticated the gummi worm and gummi bear. During this time, they were also able to establish connections with the Babelonian and Uncyclopedian empires. This peace and tranquility would last for another 2000 years.

However, all would not be well, as in 233 B.C., Legionnaire Busta Rhymes of the Roman empire laid down his mad raps and annexed Candy Mountain. They would then be forced to grow fruits and vegetables until they were freed by Attila and his Huns in 430 A.D. Unfortunately, Candy Mountain was then taken by the Byzantines in 503 A.D., and would then be forced to produce wheat until 1203 when the Ottomans captured Candy Mountain and renamed it al-Möunţǽne`ed Ćàndī, or The Mountain of Candy. The candy mountainers were then forced to make cymbals that they wore on their heads, to show that the Ottomans defeated them. Their superiors could also hit these symbols either because the Candy Mountainers weren't working hard enough, or just for the fun of it.

In 1920, the Ottoman Empire dissolved and Candy Mountain was independant once again. They began to have feeling of nationalism and pride of their country, as they were finally free from years of oppression. The coprophage Baby Ruth rose to power in 1933, and a fascism government was installed. After being conquered by countries for so many years, they adopted a new philosophy based on the works of the great thinker, Yakov Smirnoff:

“In Soviet Russia, Candy Mountain conquers YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Candy Mountain

Baby Ruth befriended Benito Mussolini, and Candy Mountain became an ally of Italy. When WWII broke out, Candy Mountain was eager to fight and conquer lands for their own. After capturing an area equivalent in size to a billboard and a Kwik Shop, Winston Churchill and his boys began to pound Italy into submission. With this occurence, Baby Ruth was quoted as saying, "Fuck this, we're siding with Russia!" And they always like weinr and stuff

[edit] See Also

• Candy
• Chocolate
• Chocolate-covered black hole

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