Candlejack

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Hello everybody. It's me! I'm here to take you from your beds, rape your children, and destroy your souls. I highly approve of this article, as none of you can resist saying my name long enough to hit that stupid submission button. Not a very bright group indeed. Your souls are keeping me well fed, and I can't wait to mind rape the rest of this stupid wiki into oblivion!
 
Hello everybody. It's me! I'm here to take you from your beds, rape your children, and destroy your souls. I highly approve of this article, as none of you can resist saying my name long enough to hit that stupid submission button. Not a very bright group indeed. Your souls are keeping me well fed, and I can't wait to mind rape the rest of this stupid wiki into oblivion!
   
Anyway, I gotta go charter a bus, so this is Candle Jack, signing off. Wait. I SAID MY OWN NA-
+
Anyway, I gotta go charter a bus, so this is Candle Jack, signing off. Wait. I SAID MY OWN NA
   
 
<center><div class="boilerplate metadata" id="stub"><table CELLPADDING=5 CELLSPACING=5 style="background-color: #fff7cb"><tr><td>''The subject of '''this''' article appears to have [[:Category:Deceased Uncyclopedians|died]]. Somebody please decide to [{{SERVER}}{{localurl:{{NAMESPACE}}:{{PAGENAME}}|action=edit}} finish the article] properly''.</td></tr></table></div></center>
 
<center><div class="boilerplate metadata" id="stub"><table CELLPADDING=5 CELLSPACING=5 style="background-color: #fff7cb"><tr><td>''The subject of '''this''' article appears to have [[:Category:Deceased Uncyclopedians|died]]. Somebody please decide to [{{SERVER}}{{localurl:{{NAMESPACE}}:{{PAGENAME}}|action=edit}} finish the article] properly''.</td></tr></table></div></center>

Revision as of 06:13, January 3, 2013

Candlejack
This guy.

“What could possibly be said about Candlejack that hasn't al”
~ Oscar Wilde
Candleja.. ..woah, that was a close one. I almost said his name!

You see, 'this guy' is a type of bogeyman that abducts anyone who dares utter his name. This phenomenon was first documented in 1995 on an episode of The SyFy Channel paranormal research show Freakazoid!. He became known world-wide when a large number of 4chan readers went missing.

I would tell you more about him, but the question is: How am I going to write this article without saying his name? Hmm...

I've got it! I'll replace the 'l' with a capital 'i'. I'll really be saying "Candie Jack". It looks exactly the same. See: CandIejack, as opposed to Candlejack. You can't tell the dif

Origins

Nobody really knows where Condle Jack came from, as all who have ever seen him have wound up as lifeless husks, and thus are unavailable for comment. However, rumors circulating around the Internet have suggested that Candle John was first created in an unholy union between Jack the Ripper and The Boogeyman, who, in naming him, were drained of life and met their untimely deaths. After this sad event, Kindle Jack made several attempts at friendship, which resulted in sheer horror for all who encountered him. Lonely and afraid, Candle Jack took up a candle, some rope and began his miss

It should be noted that some believe Candl Jack to have originated in the TV show Freakazoid! and to have gained popularity on the imageboard 4chan. However, these people are morons and have no clue as to Candle Jack's true orig

Past activity

As before, it is impossible to know Lighter Jack's exact activity because it is not possible to survive seeing him. However, thanks to many posts on the internet by his numerous victims, one can gain a rough idea of his position throughout the past 15 or so years:

“Who is this Candle Jack guy anywa”
~ Adam Smith, via 1997 on an old image board, which was subsecquently destroyed
“EVERYBODY, I KNOW THE SECRET TO DEFEATING CANDLE JACK! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO I”
~ Gilbert Moore, December 19th, 1999
“It is simply not possible for you to be kidnapped by a boogeyman by saying the words Candle Jack. Rea”
~ Professor James Jonquency in his final report, circa 2002
“Hey guys, watch this! Candle Jack! Bwahahahah-”
~ A 4chan user, on October 1st, 2003
“NONONONONONOOOOOOO! I'M NEVER GOING TO SAY HIS NAME NEVER NEVER NEVER! NOOO- Wait calm down and say, "There's no such thing as Candle Jack. There's no suc”
~ Anonymous, circa 2006

Sad stories such as these show that the mere mention of Candle Hack's name will result in your kidnapping and (supposed) destruction of your soul. Luckily, one can avoid being tied up with rope, yoinked away from their computer, being mind raped, having their eyes gouged out, and finally having your soul sucked out while being forced to watch Goatse by avoiding saying his name out loud. So don't say it. If you do, well, to quote Candle Jack, "Not a very bright group, are you?"

Wait, did I just say his name ou

Current whereabouts

Candle Jimmy is still at large around the internet, attacking with scary precision whenever his name is spoken or typed. In fact, he has already appeared 4 times during the writing of this article, and unless further precautions are taken, more will fall to his nightmarish torture. The base of Candle Jam is hidden within the deepest, most despicable, evil corner of the internet known to human kind, and cannnot be found because {a}, most sane men fear to tread there, and {b}, because he does not take kindly to visitors.

The only way to be certain of his position is to say Candle Jack, but this is not recomended because he will co

Things Candle Ja- wait! I didn't even fini

Candle Joan, according to a rare interview, likes very, very few things in this world, as in his early life it shunned him. However, he has a taste for pie, human souls, rope, human souls, kidnapping, human souls, Candle Jack immitators, and human sou

Candle Jack is also known to enjoy games like chess, Dungeons and Dragons, tag and Hide and Seek. However, he only partakes in these games simply for the fun of kidnapping those idiotic enough to play with hi

How to avoid Candle John

Though many people have tried to avoid being captured by Candle John, none have succeeded, due to lack of resources, lack of intelligence, or being members of 4chan. However, God has decided to be kind to us, and give to us a person able to defeat him. A secret organization called PAC, or People Against Candlejack, were formed to find this secret man, which they accomplished moments after being formed. His name i


A paranormal specialist gives his views on the myth

"I believe that the sightings of this mythical creature are only based off the current trend of Internet memes. This creature has no direct origin although has been suggested that this mythology has descended throughout the Acient Greece Midi Period of Adults telling there children of strange monsters some of these including Yeti, Bigfoot and the Boogey Monster (which came from the Latin term 'Boogey Monstrum'), neither is it tracked through the centuries. Following other traditions, he is supposed to kill, rape or even switch organs of people in there sleep although there is no reference to any of these. Therefore, I'm lead to believe that the myth of Candlejack is fake and only brought on by cultural myt

And now, a short word from the man himself

Hello everybody. It's me! I'm here to take you from your beds, rape your children, and destroy your souls. I highly approve of this article, as none of you can resist saying my name long enough to hit that stupid submission button. Not a very bright group indeed. Your souls are keeping me well fed, and I can't wait to mind rape the rest of this stupid wiki into oblivion!

Anyway, I gotta go charter a bus, so this is Candle Jack, signing off. Wait. I SAID MY OWN NA

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