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Canadian Jesus is the name commonly given to a religious deity born in 1982.
Although considered to be a separate entity from the original Jesus by many, others view the Canadian Jesus to be the "Second Coming" of the original. This is probably due to the fact that several parallels can be drawn. First of all, Canadian Jesus was born in downtown Toronto in a stable occupied by farm animals (such as office clerks and cleaning personnel) on December 26th 1982. This has led some historians to suggest that the original Jesus was born on the 26th as well. As a result, some children were forced to wait a whole extra day to open their presents by Catholic extremist parents.
Secondly, Canadian Jesus possesses some similar abilities to those held by the original Jesus. For example, Canadian Jesus can turn water into beer. In fact Canadian Jesus turns almost all water he touches into beer. Canadian Jesus can also raise people from the dead, although he does this sparingly because he fears they might bum beer off of him. Finally, Canadian Jesus has been documented to cure blindness, although others claim he simply gives his subjects wacky drugs that make them "see things". He rejects this claim.
Born in Toronto to the Virgin Larry and his "not-so-virgin" wife Josephina, Canadian Jesus demonstrated brilliance from the start. He always went to bed when told, never spoke out of turn, and studied hard without being asked. He seemed to have a way with charming animals, including large animals such as lions. Lions in his presence never attacked smaller animals such as lambs, but this may be due to the fact that Canadian Jesus often fed animals large amounts of alcohol in the form of beer. His parents' only complaints about the young boy were that he often nabbed their own beer.
Canadian Jesus soon matured into a charming young man with a destiny and mission in life. He soon revealed that He was the "true Messiah", and had been sent to convert as many people as possible before the inevitable destruction of the world from Global Warming. He claimed that God was causing Global Warming, and that time is limited.
Canadian Jesus ran for a seat in parliament in 1998, but lost after a heated race against the conservative candidate. Undaunted, Canadian Jesus began a grassroots campaign to convert people to his new religion, "Canadianism". Canadian Jesus claims that God has grown so sick of Christians that he simply doesn't accept them into heaven anymore. Instead, Canadian Jesus argues, God is looking for people who like to fish for Walleye, play hockey, kick back, drink beer, get laid, and shoot stuff for fun. With His 13 Apostles (whose names and details remain sketchy), and an endorsement from the NRA and the American NHL, Canadian Jesus has gained a faithful following. Canadian Jesus has been sued by Miller Brewing company for infiltrating the "One Beer League" and distributing free unmarked beer during football games; however, pinning Mr. C. Jesus Christ down for a hearing has proved impossible.
Common John Lennon Misconception
Many believe that when John Lennon said his infamous "Jesus height thing", he was referring to the Original Jesus. He was actually referring to Canadian Jesus, who is about a foot shorter than any of the Beatles. When Original Jesus heard that he was being called smaller than the Beatles, he immediately turned to that sneaky little Canadian Jesus, whom he confronted near Canadian Jesus's house in suburban Ontario, knowing that Canadian Jesus was a little wanker. Like a true Canadian, Canadian Jesus denied everything. They eventually got into a heated bitchslapping fight, beating each other until God yelled down from heaven and told them to shut the fuck up. Canadian Jesus is no longer invited to Original Jesus's birthday.
Deer Hunting Records
Canadian Jesus often hunts deer in any part of Canada that has deer living in it. He has officially shot over 450 deer, and even goes hunting with Mr. Dick Cheney sometimes. Canadian Jesus has confirmed that on these outings with Mr. Cheney, he always wears proper head protection, and makes sure that the part of the gun that the bullets come from is pointed away from him.
Proverbs and Quotes
“If you don't have a lever action Winchester, sell your cloak and buy one.”
“Love thy neighbor, but don't let him near your beer”
“Those Roman bitches ain't gonna nail me up nowhere as long as I've got my Model 94 Winchester”
“Get your hands off my beer bitch. ”
“I'am Canadian Jesus... want a sour key??”
“Canada, oh Canada!”
|YOUR CAR JUST GOT ABDUCTED BY AN Eagle Talon|
Looks like you're gonna have to go catch it.