Canadia

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The Land of Canadia
Canadia, the Land of Good Times, and better at everything than that bastard Canada
Canadia
Canadia2 Canadia arms
Motto: Well, this doesn't look anything like I expected! There's no flannel wearing hockey loving rednecks! Ohhh, I see, this is Canadia. Yeah, i like it here
Anthem: Canadia the Pitiful
CANADA FINAL
Capital Canadia City
Official languages French, English, and Canadilese
President Beowulf
Vice President Darth Vader
Prime Minister Marilyn Manson
National Hero(es) Geo,Your Mother, Dudley Do-right
Currency Peso, Euro
Major exports Anything good found in Canada was exported to them from Canadia
Major imports Heat
National animal The Limping Tasty Buffalo. It was extinct 2 days after being put on Earth
Favourite pastime Poking Canadians

Canadia, or The Revenge of the Great White North Returns, God's Brothel, The Land Down Under, and Buttslapping Land, is a large North American Country. It is north of America, and, in fact, is in the same place as Canada.

But that's where the similarities end. Canadia is SO much cooler than Canada. Think of Canadia and Canada as the Olsen twins. One's more boring, safe, sensitive, and likes maple syrup. The other is wild, partying, crazy, fun-loving, stupid, does drugs, and loves maple syrup, also. Canada is the first, Canadia comes second. I don't remember which twin is which, I just think of them as 2 anorexic washed-up actresses with decent jugs. And, instead of "eh?", they say "bajunga?". Crime is legal, and in fact enforced, in Canadia - so that you're thrown in prison for three years every time that you aren't committing a crime.

edit Geography

Canada-ItsUpThere

Where Canadia is and Canada appears to be, but it sucks, so it isn't

Canadia is a country occupying most Middle Earth, extending from the magic wardrobe to hogwarts. It is the world's second largest hotel by total area. Canadia and the U.S. share (and ate) the world's longest hot dog. Canadia is the US's hat. It is right next to Alaska. Canadia, unlike Canada, is not covered in a giant mass of beavers. It's meeses in Canadia. Which is worse, considering the horns constantly violate people, unless, of course, you are gay, then you would love it. But the rest of us DO NOT. Thus, germ and nuclear warfare techniques are being used on the those horrible things that violate us but, in a disturbing way, feels oh so right. A drug called cocaine is soon to be released into the country that kills all meeses and caribou.

The geoograpy of Canadia was altered significantly by The North American War, which ended up giving Canadians the ability to walk from Canadia to Mexico without having to eat at one of those fatass burger places that exist in America, or whatever the hell they are called, I don't know.

Leslie-nielsen

The Head of the Canadian Army

edit Politics

Canadia is, on the whole, a communist country. Due to massive shortages of the national food, perogies, caused by their widespread consumption during the month of Fog (see Climate), the government has had to subsidize perogie manufacture and sale. Canadianians are only allowed to purchase 0.5 kgs of perogies from government-sanctioned suppliers once per day, 11 days per month. These government-subsidized perogies cost 86,753.09 Canadian dollars for law-abiding citizens and come free of charge for criminals. Critics blame this policy for the rampant cannibalism that plagues Canadia. All the political systems in the world have been combined in Canadia under one umbrella government, as mandated by the doctrines of the multiculturalites. Canadia won its independence from Canada a year after Canada failed to win its independance from the United States of America, and as a result, the political system is completely ineffectual. The president is Britney Spears. She became president since the day of independence, and Canadianians are obliged to fall down and worship their glorious leader at 8:00 am, 3:35 pm and 9:00 pm daily, and all day on the solstices and equinoxes.

Canadiaian's elections use the Texas System, where, once every four years, a name of a random citizen is drawn out of a hat to be appointed the ineffectual title of "Prime Minister". This has its downsides, since an idiot almost always gets elected. This is widely regarded as a success compared to other political systems, where an idiot gets elected 100% of the time. Canadiaians are reluctant to change, despite a child being elected 44 out of the last 50 times, which explains why Canadia was called Poopieworld for 3 straight decades, and then Titland when Prime Minister Joey was succeeded by Prime Minister Joseph.

The current party in place, the Frat Party, is Led by the partying Prime Minister Dudemeister. Recently, there has been a good deal of controversy about the administration's policies regarding staff meetings. This was resolved when Dudemeister agreed to stop bringing hookers to staff meetings if his staff will stop "bringing the party down".

Prime Minister Dudemeister and his Government are not all about partying, these are some of the bills they have passed:

  • The Canadian Act, saying that all Canadians are pussies that won't fight;
  • The Waffles Bill, proclaiming that waffles be mandatory in the diet of all Canadiaians;
  • The Britney Spears Act, confiscating all marijuana in Canadia and delivering it to an undisclosed location.

Canadia has an interesting history of foreign politics. Since 1947, the Canadiaian border with Norwegia has been hotly debated. Norwegia's claim to the eastern coast of North America was no longer recognized by the Canadiaians after the formation of the United State of Texas. For many years, Norwegiaian spies have infiltrated the Canadianian postal service and have been undermining the delivery of letters. The Canadiaian government has promised to combat this dire threat, but as of 2004 no progress has been made in identifying the spies.

edit Map

The North American Union is fast becoming a reality, to save the collapsed superpower of the former USA and the disputed borders in the West Coast (Baja Canada, but doesn't go through the Cascades).

New canada

edit Economy

The economy of Canadia relies on one simple fact: Canadians are idiots. No one ever works in Canadia, because Canadians mistakenly send all of their goods to Canadia, thinking it's a typo. Thus, Canadianians can export all of Canada's goods for a profit. And Canadians, being the stupid pussies they are, will simply not believe anybody who realizes what is actually going on, believing that the world is full of kind-hearted people. Fools.

Anybody who actually works robs Canadian tourists for a living.

Canadianians use the Mockey, a brightly colored paper money with the words "Exsorbeo Nostrum Gallus, Canada" scrolled across the front, and a picture of a banana on the other side.

edit Climate

Nihilism

Photograph of typical Canadian winter.

There are 7 seasons in Canadia, making it at least 3 times better than Canada -

  • The Fall of Penis: Lasts until ya grow one
  • Winter: lasts forever
  • The Step Outside: Where it is slightly less cold, and Canadianians venture outside one foot, then rush back in.
  • Adaptation: Canadianians run outside and skip, whistle, and play many-a-game
  • Food: Everybody searches for meals to last them the winter, as they did last Food
  • High: Where a thick "fog" covers the country, and everyone gets a little drowsy and stares at their hands for an extended amount of time, before getting the munchies and eating all the food they saved up for the winter. The Canadianians then mate with whoever they can find, resulting in many pregnancies, other STDS, and preaches from the Moral Majority.
  • Chase: Everybody squeals and runs back inside as soon as they can, seeing the huge wall of white quickly approaching, showing winter is here. Those who do not make it are presumably killed, and ushered into the land where everything decays and rots, Canada. Having eaten their food supply, the Canadianians are forced to become cannibals.

edit Education

People have to be in schools of doom expect bad peolple.

Black people are rare in Canadia, therefore they go to a separate but equal school, spoken in their language known as "we be ebonics" and to preserve their culture in a socially engineered diverse (but unassimilated) mosaic we call a "people". MulticulturalismeKanadia.

Quebec schools are weird, they divided it into four kinds: French Catholic (en francais sil vous plait...now!), English Catholic (not overcrowded, usually Irish folks), English Protestant (it's like the ivy league full of WASPs in uniforms) and French Protestant (full of smoking, drinking, swearing and no need to confess your sins).

French Canadians like education, so they go to night school to take French, and get a "B"!

Cheech and Chong are byproducts of the Canadian American public education system, man.

Wanna get high? Head over to VJ (Van-maria-Juana) and get some weed.

edit Tourism

“I'm a typical old white guy Canadian snowbird in Scottsdale, Arizona...it has less humidity than in Latinophone "Cubanquois" Miami! .”
~ Canadian Pinhead on Wintering Tourism

There is now its all gone do to the war.

However, they do still hold festivals and carnivals and what not, for no reason immediately apparent to anybody, except to get drunk off cider and make out with a drifter behind the tilt-o-whirl. One of their most famous festivals is the Dancing Nude festival, open only to women. Men seem to be drawn to it, despite Bog Bertha winning every year. There's then the lesser know Stuffed Monkey Humping Fair, always won by Crazy Nelly Furtado who lives in a foil tent.

And watch Canada's greatest zingre Celine Dion with opening acts by Canadian prog-rock geniuses Rush and Journey perform LIVE in their own version of Branson in the Tim Horton's Le Royale Asse Paine Indian Reserve casino resort in the Windsor, Nunav00t.

Quebecsnow
Countries and territories of North America
America: United States of America | Confederate States of America
Canada: Canada | Canadia | People's Republic of Canada | Canada States
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