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"Oh, woe is Canada. So far from heaven and so close to the United States."
- ~ Pierre Burton from "Canada: A Riddle Wrapped in an Enigma, Served with Back Bacon and Smothered in Maple Syrup."
Canada, also known as America's Hat, Soviet Canuckistan, or The Shizzle North of Hizzle, but more commonly known as the Great White North, is situated somewhere near the inconsequential continental U.S.A., and slightly south of the North Pole. The United Nations has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh?
To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn't know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting.
The unanimously agreed upon capital of Canada is Toronto, although a small number of government offices are located in the far less important city of Ottawa. Proposals made entirely and only by Torontonians have been made to move said offices to Toronto, but have yet to be approved. The city has considered separating from the country because of this. The rest of Canada, meanwhile, continues to think that Toronto "blows" and that the city's curling team, the Leafs, "suck".
The world sees Canada as America's dorky half brother. Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being England, but while America's father was apparently Jesus, Canada's was France. While little brother Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its "cool" older half-brother America, Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north).
To speak of Canada's geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land. Claims regarding topography are simply guesswork, as the mass of beaver quite literally covers the entire country, is constantly shifting and smells like tuna. Unfortunately for Canadian geographers (Gordy and Clark) the Canadian Royal Mounted Government of Canada has declared the beaver the nation's primary national defense system (the Canadian Armed Forces of Canada, being unarmed, unclothed and for the most part, already overseas on UN tours or backpacking around Europe, aren't generally of use for defence, beaver-assisted or otherwise). Attempts to penetrate the beaver-mass have only resulted in bloodshed and the great Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar wars of 1946, 1949 and 1952. These are unrelated to the Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar war of 1948 that was started by a disagreement over whether Red Green was funny or not.
Measuring the beaver depth with sonar experiments was tried, but Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Lee was quoted as saying, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" [ba dum-dum!!]. Lacking any evidence whatsoever to substantiate their claim, prominent beaver geologists Jean, Manon and François from Abitibi theorize that the actual land of Canada starts about 7 feet under the level of the ocean, and that the massive weight of beavers has slowly pushed the majority of the country below sea level. Additionally they say that the beaver mass has pushed the majority of sea level below sea level, thus robbing the Netherlands of their God-given right to have seas to drain and make polders, eh.
“Le Canada? Quelques arpents de neige... On ne sauve pas les écuries quand le feu est à la maison.”
An early French remark about Canada dismisses it as "a few acres of snow". This, of course, is a gross understatement as it is common knowledge today that Canada is 99% uninhabited by any creature other than Polar Bears, snowmen, and the famed Canadian Moose.
Canada's Diverse Variousness
Canada's geography is both diverse and varied: so much so that even its varied areas are filled with diversity.
Granted, most of that various diverseness simply applies to moose and beavers that look slightly different from one another, but hey, it's something at least.
The bit on the right is lumpy and cold and used to grow many, many fish: most of which taste like shit (turbot, cod, tuna, cod, rubber boots, cod and whatnot). Massive overfishing has reduced the fish haul to essentially nil, although the pitiful remaining catch thankfully still tastes like shit. The right bit now produces only music, which is good but topically confined to bemoaning the demise of ships in the shitty tasting fish industry, booze and coal (which has also been overfished into extinction), and pogey (a Canadian name for being paid by the government to work one month and sing for eleven).
Slightly Left of the Right Side
Just to the west of the east lays the vibrant and cold Canadian Shield. Not an actual shield, it is covered with French Canadians on the right and Torontonians on the left. On the right no one is happy: not the french, nor Canadian, not even the ones that are a bit of both. To their left are the Torontoites: these people insist that they are the cultural and economic center of Canada. Both Quebecers and Torontoners believe that they are popular people. In this they are half right (people, yes. Popular, not so much).
Left of the Left of the Right Side
Between that and the Rockies (not the rocks of the Canadian Shield, but a set of really big rocks called the Rockies) lay the prairies, whose coldness is matched only by their flatness. The whole area is festering with grain and cows. Part of it is even lucky enough to squirt oil, which is both tasty and nutritious. The Albertonians and their giant belt buckles have long claimed that this oil is proof of their god-given dominance of the country. Saskatchewanites and Manitobers, having no oil of their own (exempt canola), disagree.
North of the rest of Canada is the coldest and least warm area. Not much is known about the Canadian north as it is both cold and not warm simultaneously, which is a bitch if you have to take a leak.
The Most Leftest Bit
The leftmost (or "westest") side of Canada is good for growing pot... and that's all you need to know.
PoliticsCanada's political system is a unique mix of homegrown political ideologies, blended with some basic principles imported from Great Britain and the United States, combined in a mishmash to form what could best be described as a democratic farce. That is to say, Canadas government is in fact a quasi-benevolent form of tyranny.
The ruling party, currently the Liberal-Conservative Party of Canada, is "elected" in consecutive five year terms. Eventually Canadian citizens grow weary of the crooks that they elected and boot them out, replacing them with newer, less experienced crooks.
Unlike its neighbor to the South, Canada uses a multi-party political system that is based upon the idea that it's best to put the morons in charge, where you can keep an eye on them.
The leader of the party and thus the country, known as the "Prime Minister" is drawn from a small pool of old, white men, who have given various favors to people more powerful than themselves for a period of twenty to thirty years. Because of this lifestyle, the Prime Minister will most definitely have a drinking problem, and will often be in the final drippy stage of syphilis. A Prime Minister will often partake in self-destructive behaviour such as meeting with Premiers, hanging out with Bono, and signing either NAFTA or the Kyoto Accord.
Overall the Prime Minister helps Canadians. He just happens to help those Canadians that help him more. He also has the power to appoint approximately 2.5 million other officials, including every member of the cabinet, senate, privy council, supreme court, CBC board of directors, Newfoundland park council, and the Hamilton quilting society.
In fact, every Canadian citizen has one form of government job or another.
One quirk with Canadian constitution is that, in contrast to Article II of the US Constitution which requires that the US President be born in the US, Canadian law states that its head of state must be born in Quebec. However as all so-called Canadian "laws", it's more of a suggestion, so if one or two Canadian Prime Ministers turn out to not be from Quebec, they're sorry, eh.
For more information see Canadian Elections
The backbone of Canadian exports used to be Celine Dion, along with lumberjacks, rocks, and sticks. The frontbone, on the other hand, was formed of bacon bits and gnarly cheese products.
Proprietary rights to the word "eh" was also a huge boom to the economy. Sadly for Canadians worldwide, "eh" has fallen into the public domain, thus depriving them of beer money.
The Canadian dollar, a small piece of metal with little monetary value (currently running about 88¢ US), is affectionately called "the Loonie." There is a good reason for this. It has nothing to do with birds (although both contain chocolate if you peel off the outer coating).
Canada is also the only country with currency to feature a queen with a bear behind.
Currently the primary export of Canada is beaver pix. Other exports include;
- the weed
- "Famous" people
- tree byproducts -
- maple syrup
- maple sugar
- Kraft Dinner
- Maple Beer
- cold water products -
Currently the primary imports of Canada are anything the Americans are willing to give them.
In short, short, Canada has no economy.
Saskatoon, Saskatchewan hosts it's "Annual Beaver Fever Days" during the three days in summer when it doesn't snow. The A.B.F.D. involves drunk ladies showing drunk men their "upper girly parts" and the men giving the ladies scarves in return.
Toronto, Ontario used to host an event similar to the A.B.F.D., the major difference being the substitution of scarves with syphilis.
The Saskatchewan portion of the Great TransCanada Highway #1 of Canada is a must see for any visitor. It travels approximately 3,800Km (1200 miles) through an endless salt flat in summer and an endless snow flat in winter, the latter of which lasts from July 10 to June 15. The highway is distinguishable from the surrounding salt flat by means of potholes. No one knows where potholes come from, but they are uniquely Canadian and possibly result from beaver burrowing, although the the paranoid lefties at the CBC insist that the USAF uses the highway as a bombing range on the sly. About 228Km (700 miles) north of Beaverton, Saskatchewan, anyone awake in the vehicle will notice a sign pointing to the left across a salt flat, with the words "point of interest". This is a good place to stop, because although no one has discovered what the point of interest is, there is a public toilet there. It's only open during the summer.
The remainder of Canada is currently closed due to renovations. These improvements include the ongoing battle with the polite but deadly beaver, the creation of Beaver Reserves and (although gambling in any form remains illegal) beaver-themed casinos. These changes hope to lure more Americans across the border, for bait using the sinful combination of real beer and strippers that get naked all over. Success of the beerbaiting will be cheered by both sides of the border as The American Tourist is approaching endangered status due to their charm not translating well in foreign countries. Also, the Canadian Parliament of Canada ("parliament" being an archaic british term meaning roughly, "$3 whore in a $3,000 suit") requires American currency to purchase Blackcat firecrackers and Bottlerockets from the Mexicans to fulfill their 1966 election promise of increased cold war military spending.
Canada has a history: hundreds of years of trees, rivers, wheat, french guys, english guys, war, the Indian Act, etc. See Canada/History for a more interesting, but less true version of Canadian History.
The U.N. says that Canada is the best country in the world to live; Canadians agree because to Canada the U.N. embodies the highest ideals of democracy - it gives everyone a voice, it rules entirely by committee and is therefore completely impotent (just like Canada).
It has slowly been moving away from the USA in all things (except for trivial things such as trade/culture/language/vices/physical distance, etc.), and has thusly become a country with pride for its beaver and moose population (though notably not its citizens). Canada is, in fact, well on its way to passing Mexico as the world's best nation that shares a land border with the USA.
find it quite humo(u)rous have no jealously of this fact, and as a pointless waste of time spend many hours creating tiresome anti-beaver websites trying to be funny, when they really are not. Most Americans, however, really don't notice Canada at all; which is probably for the best as Americans tend to invade the third world countries that they do notice.
You Might Be A Canadian If...
You're mistaken as a yank everywhere you go (Newfies, Quebecois exempt)
"Tomtom, are you awake?. I want to go to Canada."
~ Sally Hemings
"No baby, you wouldn't like Canada. They don't value freedom like us."
"I wish I was Canadian, from there I can get to America!"
~ Facundo from Argentina
"Wow, and I thought peanuts were boring."
"Canadians are nuts...and believe me, I know crazy."
"Canada: the wet blanket on the wild party that is North America."
"We can get married there, right?"
"In Soviet Russia, guard stands on YOU!"
"54-40 or fight!"
~ James Polk's campaign slogan'
"Le plus meilleur pays du monde!" ("The most good place of world!")
~ Jaques Le Quebecer
See Canada/Inventions for the many useful and exciting things that were invented by Canadians that ended up only being profitable after their inventors sold them to Thomas Edison. Prick...
Largest ("plus grandes villes")
- Surrey, BC (current largest city in Canada, due to fact that recently a 6th igloo was added, across from the variety store.)
- Dildo, NF
- North Battleford, SK
- St. Louis, MO
- Fort-Coulonge, QC
Smallest ("plus petites villes")
- ^ Did I mention Cod?
- ^ Normally for Canada "unanimous" means "the province of Ontario and part of Quebec", but in this case "unanimous" means "people from Toronto". Toronto (population 10,458) is a native word meaning, "The King of Kensington". As "The King of Kensington" was an alleged "sitcom" about an overweight shopowner in the Kensington area of Toronto the rest of Canada watched "The Beachcombers" instead, since it was about beaches and combs.
- ^ Of course, if you did need to know more the experts at Uncyclopedia would tell you that the parts at the very leftest, Vancouver Island and the Juan De Fuca islands (Juan De Fuca being Spanish for weed) are wicked awesome with pot. These islands are man-made and were original built on top of the Pacific Ocean to attract the few American tourists that were tired of visiting places with sunny weather. When they (the tourists, not the islands) proved to be broke, hippies were collected using Sea King helicopters and shipped to these islands to facilitate pot production. Now growing pot is the largest industry in the leftest province, which is commonly refered to as BeeCee. Pot from there is called B.C. bud. No one knows why this is.
- ^ The "nots" won. The Red Green Show (later called The New Red Green Show and The New New Red Green Show) was on for forty-three more seasons anyway, despite the fact that it is impossible to watch Red Green on a black & white television. It then changed it's name to Blue Green then Red Blue eventally settling on R.O.Y.G.B.I.V.. Under these various names, it lasted for another 1,800 half hour episodes, none of which made it to air, though some of the unaired episodes are available on Beta from the CBC.
- ^ This belief of being the cultural and economic center is despite the fact that only 90% of Canadian television/film/radio programming is made in Toronto and 70% of Canada's wealth is there. The other 10% of tv/film/radio programming is made by naughty, naughty Canadians during the long cold winter nights and slightly shorter cold summer nights. The remaining 30% of Canada's wealth is used to the buy the filth that those naughty Canadians make during the aformentioned nights.
- ^ As per United Nations regulations set forth in 1876, political maps of the world must show Canada in pink. Note that physical maps are not held to this, as it is their politics, not the snow, that are pink.
- ^ Currently the posts for "Member of Cabinet for West Edmonton Mall (North)" and "Minister in Charge of Picking Up After Yourself" are vacant. Applicants can send resumes to the "Canadian Department of Canadian Government Jobs and Snowshoes Canada". No fatties.
- ^ Canadian money has a picture of Queen Elizabeth II, who is actually Queen of some other country, not Canada. This only applies to the back, as the front is resplendent with animals such as the loon, beaver, moose, kids playing hockey, or long gone national symbols such as the Bluenose, Anne of Green Gerbils and various dead white guys.
- ^ This joke is funnier when spoken: it loses the pun when writ. Of course as it's a pun, it's not all that funny even when spoken: like most plays-on-words it's more of a, "Hmmm, yeah. Funny." rather than a guffaw.
- ^ Canadians have no words for tits/boobs/knockers. Instead the CDGPC (Canadian Department of Girly Parts of Canada) has dubbed them "upper girly parts". There are, however, more than one hundred Canadian words for "vagina" which, with the exception of "beaver", are all far too filthy to print here.
- ^ The Canadian Parliament of Canada is not related to "George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic" which is far too cool for Canada.
- ^ We didn't make that one up. Sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
- ^ Due to the Golden Horseshoe Preservation Act of 2005, Toronto is no longer to be classified as anything other than a state of mind. Also, Statistics Canada defines a "major city" as any village with an NHL team or, failing that, any village that once had an NHL team but lost it to a bigger, richer city in the southern USA where, oddly, they don't "get" hockey at all.
- ^ Statistics Canada defines a "small city" as any village that wants an NHL team or, failing that, any village that had an NHL team, but lost it when the town's Zamboni broke.
- Canada (wine)
- America Junior
- Canadian Beer
- United States of Canada
- Canadian Racism
- Canadian Idiot (album)
- Canada Day
- Quebec Separatist Hippie Brigade
- Royal Canadian Mounted Police
- Boards of canada
- Canadian DnD
- Donaldson's Canadian Beaver Army
- Canadian space navy
- Captain Canada
- AVP (American Preservation Society)
- Canadian World Domination
- Moving to Canada ? 10 things you have to know a message from the Canadian government
- Secrets of the Royal Canadian Snow Police
- The Great Canadian Redneck Militia
- Oh, Canada... Why doth thou sucketh so?