Canada

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{{Infobox Canada}}
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{{Canadian2}}
   
<choose><option>
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{{Whoops|United States of America}}
''"We stand, on guard.''<br />
 
''We stand we stand on guard.''<br />
 
''Stand stand stand,''<br />
 
''guard guard guard,'' <br />
 
''the Front Page Challenge Show!"''<br />
 
   
:~ '''"Front Page Challenge"''' Opening Theme Song ''and'' an early version of the '''Canadian National Anthem'''
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{{Infobox Country|
</option><option>
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|native_name = Dominion of Parliamentarily-correct Canada
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|conventional_long_name = Canadian Federation Against Global Warming and Beneficial Effects on Terrestrial Environment
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|common_name = Can-a-doi
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|national_motto = "American money accepted at par" |
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|national_anthem = ''"Oh! Can A Duh!"'' (''alternately "Oh Canabis"'')|
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|image_coat = [[Image:Neildims.jpg|125px]]
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|image_map = [[Image:Interactive-Map-of-Canaduh.jpg|300px]]|
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|image_flag = [[Image:Flag of Canada.png|150px]]|
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|capital = Ottawa (moving to Saskatoon)
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|largest_city = Torontonia, with some 4 (or could it be 5) million people as well as [[Mississauga]] which is the 7th largest city and has the largest population of BROWN and ASIANS
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|official_languages = [[Inuit]], [[French]], [[Icelandic]], [[Sami]], [[Greenlandic]] (disapora), [[Moose]] Suscachuwoonian & Hoser. Parlez-vous franglais?|
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|government_type = Hockeyism
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|leader_titles = [[Queen]]|
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|leader_names = [[Kim Jong Il]]|
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|leader_title1 = [[Prime Minister]]|
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|leader_name1 = [[Stephen Harper]]|
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|leader_title2 = [[Governor General]]|
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|leader_name2 = [[Peter Mansbridge]]|
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|national_heros = Anne Murray, [[Trailer Park Boys]], Rick Moranis, Rush, Terrance and Phillip, [[The Guess Who|Burton Cummings]]' [[mustache]], Stompin' Tom, Joel Plaskett, Celine Dion, Pamela Anderson, [[Colin Mochrie]]
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|Independence = Whenever The United Kingdom forgot it was a colony.|
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|currency = Beaver Scrotums, Tim Bits
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|religion = [[EHtheism]]
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|major_exports = Comedians, crawf, [[snow]], Fishermen tour guides, [[Pamela Anderson|beavers]], round bacon, shitty [[beer]], [[pot|''BC bud'']], [[hockey]] players, mad cow beef, [[Maple syrup]], [[mustaches]], lake water, [[CANQU]] |
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|Opening_Hours = 24 hours a day (24½ in Newfoundland)|
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}}
   
''"Oh, woe is Canada. So far from heaven and so close to the United States."''
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It is the largest, northernmost state of the '''"United" States''' of '''America''', also known as '''America's Frosted Hat''', '''Soviet Canuckistan''', '''America's Wacky Colorful Comic-Relief Next-Door Neighbors,''' '''Soon to be the 51st State''' but more commonly known as '''"Oops, this isn't Michigan!"''', is situated somewhere near the inconsequential [[continent|continental]] [[USA|U.S.A.]], and slightly south of the [[North Pole]]. The [[United Nations]] has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh? Canada is the USA's largest national park, and tourist attraction. At one point, Canada was disputed territory, having at least once been part of Michigan, Pennsylvania, Russia, New York, England, and the Shire, Canada is now commonly accepted as a county in Montana.
:~ '''Pierre Burton''' ''from "Canada: A Riddle Wrapped in an Enigma, Served with Back Bacon and Smothered in Maple Syrup."''
 
</option><option>
 
   
''"I have no opinion on this particular subject."''
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The average winter temperature is -40 degrees Fahrenheit, while in summer the average temperature is -40 degrees Centigrade. Prior to 1967 (the year Canada officially became part of the Almighty States of America) 93% of all permanent structures within Canada were igloos and snow forts.
:~ '''Casey''' from ''Mr. Dressup''
 
   
''"......."''
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To answer the question the entire world is asking, ''yes'', Canada has an Army, and ''no'', Canada doesn't know about it. [[Canadians]] are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a [[war]] or [[hockey]] playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting{{ref|navy}}.
:~ '''Finnegan''' from ''Mr. Dressup''
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<i>NOTE:As for the "peacefulness" part, there is one known exception to this rule: The Riots in Vancouver that were started because of the outcome of the Stanley Cup Finals in 2012, in which the United States of America proved that you don't need to be literate to win the Stanley Cup.</i>
</option><option>
 
   
<code>''"Whereas other nations define themselves by what they are, Canadians define themselves by what they are not; not-American or, in some cases, not-Canadian"''
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The unanimously{{ref|unanimous}} agreed upon capital of Canada is [[Toronto]], although a small number of government offices are located in the far less important city of [[Ottawa]]. Proposals made entirely and only by Torontonians have been made to move said offices to Toronto, but have yet to be approved. The city has considered separating from the country because of this. The rest of Canada, meanwhile, continues to think that Toronto "blows" and that the city's curling team, ''the Leafs'', "suck".
:~ '''Floyd Robertson'''</code>
 
</option><option>
 
   
''"I think that Canada "Jumped the Shark" when Quebec started threatening to leave the show if it didn't get more money. After that the show was all about "La Belle Province" and whether it would break up with Canada...sure, it was exciting for a couple of seasons, but after that it just got old."''
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The USA sees Canada as America's gay half cousin, (although Canada sees the USA as its fully retarded, fat-ass cousin.) Canada and the USA share a common grandmother, that being [[England]], but while America's grandpa was apparently [[Satan]], Canada's was HEYZEUS. (Either way, both countries share a slut for a grandmother.) While gay cousin Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its "cool" straighter, widely accepted [[America]], Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north).
:~ '''Jumptheshark.com''' on '''Canada'''
 
</option><option>
 
   
''"Brrrr... it's cold. And rather flat."''
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==Canada does it exist, eh?==
:~ '''Anonymous tourist''' at the bus depot in Winnipeg, Man
 
   
</option></choose>
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[[Image:'s_hat.jpg|thumb|300px|right|]]
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Modern Canada, as distinguished from America, revolves around the elements of 'eh?' , 'aboot' and 'anyways'. Many people allege that Canada doesn't even exist, and for everyone in the world that's just aboot good enough. Sarah Palin has stated that she gained international experience by being a friendly neighbor to Russia. Since a really long border with Canada doesn't count for international experience, one easily concludes that Canada is the equivalent of New Mexico. Canadians have no distinguishing odor, appearance, or ethnic foods - making them undistinguished from anyone from [[Wisconsin]] or [[Maine]]. Lack of identifying marks or their own barrio in New York is further evidence that Canada is a mystical magical land where fairies and the Craken live in peaceful harmony. Canada is the 2nd largest county in the world.
   
'''Canada''', also known as '''America's Hat''', '''Soviet Canuckistan''', or '''The Shizzle North of Hizzle''', but more commonly known as '''the Great White North''', is situated somewhere near the inconsequential [[continent|continental]] [[USA|U.S.A.]], and slightly south of the [[North Pole]]. The [[United Nations]] has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh?
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==People and politics==
   
To answer the question the entire world is asking, ''yes'', Canada has an Army, and ''no'', Canada doesn't know about it. [[Canadian]]s are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a [[war]] or [[hockey]] playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting.
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The vast majority of Canuckistanians are actually invincible, impotent superheroes, invested with a variety of superpowers ranging from looking at TV or computer screens for entire weeks in winter to understanding the rules of hockey using telepathy and superhuman intelligence. For this reason, Canadians don't need any form of government or even a military, since every single guy next door can either stop bullets in mid-air or cut through buildings using energy blast from their eyes, but usually they end up playing video games on their computers most of the time since no nation is crazy enough to attack such an intimidating and powerful county in Montana as Canada.
   
The unanimously{{ref|unanimous}} agreed upon capital of Canada is [[Toronto]], although a small number of government offices are located in the far less important city of [[Ottawa]]. Proposals made entirely and only by Torontonians have been made to move said offices to Toronto, but have yet to be approved. The city has considered separating from the country because of this. The rest of Canada, meanwhile, continues to think that Toronto "blows" and that the city's curling team, ''the Leafs'', "suck".
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In 1952, the Canadian Air Force bioengineered all Canadians into developing resistance to the harsh winters. The technology involved beautiful fur growing out of their skin during the winter time, that really offers no thermal protection but is solely for repelling mosquitoes. This resulted in thousands of hunters from USA confusing Canadians for bears every winter, therefore explaining why Canada is so underpopulated.
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=== Major Species ===
The world sees Canada as America's dorky half brother. Canada and the USA share a common mother, that being [[England]], but while America's father was apparently [[Original_Jesus|Jesus]], Canada's was [[France]]. While little brother Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its "cool" older half-brother [[America]], Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north).
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====Newfies====
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Newfoundlanders, a rare breed of half-Irish-half-Canadian people everyone else makes fun of.
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====Frenchies====
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Arguably sentient.
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====Beavers====
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The most distinctive species in the country, these mammals have done nothing but pose for Canadian 5-cent Nickels for the past while.
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====Freaking Americans====
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This species has been introduced to Canada's ecosystem in recent years, coincidentally the same years that the Democrats have won Presidential elections.
   
 
== Geography ==
 
== Geography ==
 
[[Image:Canada-ItsUpThere.gif|thumb|right|An artist's impression of where Canada might be.]]
 
[[Image:Canada-ItsUpThere.gif|thumb|right|An artist's impression of where Canada might be.]]
To speak of Canada's geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land. Claims regarding topography are simply guesswork, as the mass of beaver quite literally covers the entire country, is constantly shifting and smells like tuna. Unfortunately for [[Canadian]] geographers (Gordy and Clark) the [[Canadian]] Royal Mounted Government of Canada has declared the beaver the nation's primary national defense system (the Canadian Armed Forces of Canada, being unarmed, unclothed and for the most part, already overseas on [[UN]] tours or backpacking around [[Europe]], aren't generally of use for defence, beaver-assisted or otherwise). Attempts to penetrate the beaver-mass have only resulted in bloodshed and the great ''Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar'' wars of 1946, 1949 and 1952. These are unrelated to the ''Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar'' war of 1948 that was started by a disagreement over whether ''[[Red Green]]'' was funny or not{{ref|RedGreen}}.
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To speak of Canada's geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land. Claims regarding topography are simply guesswork, as the mass of beavers quite literally covers the entire country, is constantly shifting and smells like tuna. Unfortunately for [[Canadian]] geographers (Gordy and Clark) the Canadian Royal Mounted Government of Canada has declared the beaver to be the nation's primary national defense system (the Canadian Armed Forces of Canada, being unarmed, unclothed and for the most part, already overseas on [[UN]] tours or backpacking around [[Europe]], aren't generally of use for defense, beaver-assisted or otherwise). Attempts to penetrate the beaver-mass have only resulted in bloodshed and the great ''Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar'' wars of 1946, 1949 and 1952. These are unrelated to the ''Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar'' war of 1948 that was started by a disagreement over whether ''[[Red Green]]'' was funny or not{{ref|RedGreen}}.
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[[Image:Grasssky.JPG|left|thumb|A typical Canadian residential backyard. Note some "bushes" in the back.]]
   
[[Image:Grasssky.JPG|left|thumb|Canada..eh, probably not much more than what you were expecting.]]
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Lacking any evidence whatsoever to substantiate their claim, prominent beaver geologists Jean, Manon and François from Abitibi theorize that the actual land of Canada starts aboot 7 feet under the level of the ocean, and that the massive weight of beavers has slowly pushed the majority of the country below [[sea level]]. Additionally they say that the beaver mass has pushed the majority of sea level below sea level, thus robbing the [[Netherlands]] of their God-given right to have seas to drain and make polders, [[eh]].
   
Measuring the beaver depth with sonar experiments was tried, but [[Pamela Anderson]]-Lee-Rock-Lee was quoted as saying, "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" [ba dum-dum!!]. Lacking any evidence whatsoever to substantiate their claim, prominent beaver geologists Jean, Manon and François from Abitibi theorize that the actual land of Canada starts about 7 feet under the level of the ocean, and that the massive weight of beavers has slowly pushed the majority of the country below [[sea level]]. Additionally they say that the beaver mass has pushed the majority of sea level below sea level, thus robbing the [[Netherlands]] of their God-given right to have seas to drain and make polders, [[eh]].
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{{q|Le Canada? Quelques arpents de neige... On ne sauve pas les écuries quand le feu est à la maison.|Voltaire|talking about Canada in beautiful French for a change}}
   
{{q|Le Canada? Quelques arpents de neige... On ne sauve pas les écuries quand le feu est à la maison.|Voltaire|Canada}}
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An early French remark aboot Canada dismisses it as "a few acres of snow". This, of course, is a gross understatement as it is common knowledge today that Canada is 99% uninhabited by any creature other than Polar Bears, [[User:Frosty|snowmen]], and the famed [[Canadian]] Moose.<br clear="all">
   
An early French remark about Canada dismisses it as "a few acres of snow". This, of course, is a gross understatement as it is common knowledge today that Canada is 99% uninhabited by any creature other than Polar Bears, snowmen, and the famed [[Canadian]] Moose.<br clear="all">
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As much as Canadians hate to admit it, Canada is part of [[North America]] which is part of [[America]] and therefore Canada is part of America. Therefore Canadians are Americans, just as an English person is [[Europe]]an. Everyone knows Canadians have terrible nightmares every night coming to grips with this terrible fact but please, deal with it!
   
 
===Canada's Diverse Variousness===
 
===Canada's Diverse Variousness===
Canada's geography is both diverse and varied: so much so that even its varied areas are filled with diversity.
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[[Image:beautifultoronto.jpg|thumb|250px|Downtown [[Toronto]]: Canada's most impressive skyline.]]
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Canada's geography is both diverse and varied: so much so that even its diversified areas are filled with diversity and have different levels or gravity. Trees plague the Canadian landscape to such an extent that most Canadian men can get [[Erection|wood]] on demand.
   
Granted, most of that various diverseness simply applies to moose and beavers that look slightly different from one another, but hey, it's something at least.
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Granted, most of that various diverseness simply applies to moose and beavers that look slightly different from one another due to inbred mutations, but hey, it's something at least.
   
 
====Right Side====
 
====Right Side====
The bit on the right is lumpy and cold and used to grow many, many fish: most of which taste like [[shit]] (turbot, cod, tuna, cod, rubber boots, cod and whatnot{{ref|cod}}). Massive overfishing has reduced the fish haul to essentially nil, although the pitiful remaining catch thankfully still tastes like shit. The right bit now produces only music, which is good but topically confined to bemoaning the demise of ships in the shitty tasting fish industry, booze and coal (which has also been overfished into extinction), and pogey (a Canadian name for being paid by the government to work one month and sing for eleven).
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The bit on the right is lumpy and cold and used to grow many, many fish: most of which taste like [[you|shit]] (turbot, cod, tuna, cod, rubber boots, cod and whatnot{{ref|cod}}). Massive overfishing has reduced the fish haul to essentially nil, although the pitiful remaining catch thankfully still tastes like shit, lord t'underin' Jesus! The right bit now produces only music, which is good but topically confined to bemoaning the demise of ships in the shitty tasting fish industry, coal (which has also been overfished into extinction), booze (which is rapidly being depleted by the slogan "Drink Canada Dry"), and pogey (a Canadian name for being paid by the government to work one month and sing for eleven). The Right Side only has 2% of normal gravity.
   
 
====Slightly Left of the Right Side====
 
====Slightly Left of the Right Side====
Just to the west of the east lays the vibrant and cold [[Canadian]] Shield. Not an actual shield, it is covered with French [[Canadian]]s on the right and Torontonians on the left. On the right no one is happy: not the french, nor [[Canadian]], not even the ones that are a bit of both. To their left are the Torontoites: these people insist that they are the cultural and economic center of Canada{{ref|TorontoTV}}. Both Quebecers and Torontoners believe that they are popular people. In this they are half right (people, yes. Popular, not so much).
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Just to the west of the east lays the vibrant and cold [[Canadian]] Shield. Not an actual shield, it is covered with French [[Canadian]]s on the right and Torontonians on the left. On the right no one is happy: not the french, nor [[Canadian]], not even the ones that are a bit of both. To their left are the Torontoites: these people insist that they are the cultural and economic center of Canada{{ref|TorontoTV}}. Both Quebecers and Torontoners believe that they are popular people. In this they are half right (people, yes. Popular, not so much). Slightly Left of the Right Side has the most gravity of all of Canada, 36%.
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[[Image:399px-Hotcanadianmounties.jpg|thumb|250px|The [[RCMP]], Canada's police force.]]
   
====Left of the Left of the Right Side====
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====Left of the Left of the Right Side, But not Quite Exactly Centred====
Between that and the Rockies (not the ''rocks'' of the Canadian Shield, but a set of really big rocks called the ''Rockies'') lay the prairies, whose coldness is matched only by their flatness. The whole area is festering with grain and cows. Part of it is even lucky enough to squirt oil, which is both tasty and nutritious. The Albertonians and their giant belt buckles have long claimed that this oil is proof of their god-given dominance of the country. Saskatchewanites and Manitobers, having no oil of their own (exempt canola), disagree.
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Between that and the Rockies (not the ''rocks'' of the Canadian Shield, but a set of really big rocks called the ''Rockies'') lay the prairies, whose coldness is matched only by their flatness, and whose flatness is matched only by there boringness. The whole area is festering with grain and cows. Part of it is even lucky enough to squirt oil, which is both tasty and nutritious. The Albertonians and their giant belt buckles have long claimed that this oil is proof of their god-given dominance of the country. Saskatchewanites and Manitobers, having no oil of their own (exempt canola), disagree. Left of the Left of the Right Side, But not Quite Exactly Centred has no gravity from March to June and the rest of the year has only 0.3% of gravity.
   
 
====Northish====
 
====Northish====
North of the rest of Canada is the coldest and least warm area. Not much is known about the Canadian north as it is both cold and not warm simultaneously, which is a bitch if you have to take a leak.
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[[Image:Inuit.jpg|left|thumb|109px|He's not smiling. His face is frozen.]]
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North of the rest of Canada is the coldest and least warm area. Not much is known aboot the Canadian north as it is both cold and not warm simultaneously, which is a bitch if you have to take a leak{{ref|northish}}. It is almost confirmed that Superman's hideout is here. But even Superman won't admit it. This area is only populated by Inuit and Eskimo, who live in primitive igloos half-starved on a diet of baby seals and walrus oil; and the polar bears that hunt them, which are fat and healthy and live in tundra caves complete with central air, hot tubs, and T3 internet connectivity thanks to fat government grants. The Northish has about 6.66% of gravity. In addition the lack of fresh food, drinking water, and wi-fi make the region unlivable to all but the stupidest individual with no facebook.
   
 
====The Most ''Leftest'' Bit====
 
====The Most ''Leftest'' Bit====
The leftmost (or "westest") side of Canada is good for growing pot... and that's all you need to know.{{ref|beecee}}
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The leftmost (or "west-est") side of Canada is permanently shrouded in mist, cloud and rain, and only good for growing pot... and that's all you need to know.{{ref|beecee}} The Most ''Leftest'' Bit has 16% of gravity.
   
 
== Politics ==
 
== Politics ==
[[Image:Parliamenthill.jpg|right|thumb|Parliament Hill, where old white men go to die]]Canada's political system is a unique mix of homegrown political ideologies{{ref|commies}}, blended with some basic principles imported from Great Britain and the United States, combined in a mishmash to form what could best be described as a democratic farce. That is to say, Canadas government is in fact a quasi-benevolent form of tyranny.
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{{Main|Canadian Elections}}
   
The ruling party, currently the Liberal-Conservative Party ''of Canada'', is "elected" in consecutive five year terms. Eventually Canadian citizens grow weary of the crooks that they elected and boot them out, replacing them with newer, less experienced crooks.
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[[Image:Parliamenthill.jpg|right|thumb|Parliament Hill, Canada's version of [[Florida|God's waiting room]]]]Canada's political system is a unique mix of homegrown political ideologies{{ref|commies}}, blended with some basic principles imported from Great Britain and the United States, combined in a mishmash to form what could best be described as a democratic farce. That is to say, Canada's government is in fact a quasi-benevolent form of tyranny.
   
Unlike its neighbor to the South, Canada uses a multi-party political system that is based upon the idea that it's best to put the morons in charge, where you can keep an eye on them.
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The ruling party, currently the Conservative Party ''of Canada'', is "elected" in consecutive five year terms. Eventually Canadian citizens grow weary of the crooks that they elected and boot them out, replacing them with newer, less experienced crooks.
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Unlike its neighbour to the South, Canada uses a multi-party political system that is based upon the idea that it's best to put the morons in charge, where you can keep an eye on them. This is a variation of the American system of two parties of morons, and another in charge.
   
 
=== "Dear Leader" ===
 
=== "Dear Leader" ===
The leader of the [[orgy|party]] and thus the [[Sheep|country]], known as the [[Prime_Minister_of_Canada |"Prime Minister"]] is drawn from a small pool of old, white men, who have given various favors to people more powerful than themselves for a period of twenty to thirty years. Because of this lifestyle, the Prime Minister will most definitely have a drinking problem, and will often be in the final drippy stage of syphilis. A Prime Minister will often partake in self-destructive behaviour such as meeting with Premiers, hanging out with Bono, and signing either NAFTA or [[Fantasy|the Kyoto Accord]].
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The leader of the [[orgy|party]] and thus the [[Sheep|country]], known as the [[Prime Minister of Canada|"Prime Minister"]] is drawn from a small pool of old, white men, who have given various favours to people more powerful than themselves for a period of twenty to thirty years. Because of this lifestyle, the Prime Minister will most definitely have a drinking problem, and will often be in the final drippy stage of syphilis. A Prime Minister will often partake in self-destructive behaviour such as meeting with Premiers, hanging out with Bono, and signing either NAFTA or the [[Kyoto Protocol|Kyoto Accord]]. His principal responsibilities involve setting policy to ensure that his party colleagues may continue wallowing in the [[Income tax|public trough]]; representing Canada overseas through diverse diplomatic or [[Fact finding mission|'fact finding' missions]], such as determining the price of a banquet for 300 in Paris, or the expense of chartering large aircraft; and, being the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
   
Overall the Prime Minister helps Canadians. He just happens to help those Canadians that help him more. He also has the power to appoint approximately 2.5 million other officials, including every member of the cabinet, senate, privy council, supreme court, CBC board of directors, Newfoundland park council, and the Hamilton quilting society.
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Overall the Prime Minister helps Canadians. He just happens to help those Canadians that help him more. He also has the power to appoint approximately 2.5 million other officials, including every member of the cabinet, senate, privy council, supreme court, CBC board of directors, Newfoundland park council, and the Hamilton quilting society. In fact, every Canadian citizen has one form of government job or another{{ref|posts}}.
   
In fact, every Canadian citizen has one form of government job or another{{ref|posts}}.
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[[Image:Canadian map of the earth.jpg|right|thumb|588px|An example of what Canadian children are taught during Social Studies class by their famously [[Communist|unbiased]] teachers.]]
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One quirk with [[Canadian Constitutional Law|Canadian constitution]] is that, in contrast to Article II of the US Constitution which requires that the US President be born in the US, Canadian law states that its head of state must be born in Quebec. However as all so-called Canadian "laws", it's more of a suggestion, so if one or two Canadian Prime Ministers turn out to not be from Quebec, they're sorry, eh?
   
One quirk with Canadian constitution is that, in contrast to Article II of the US Constitution which requires that the US President be born in the US, Canadian law states that its head of state must be born in Quebec. However as all so-called Canadian "laws", it's more of a suggestion, so if one or two Canadian Prime Ministers turn out to not be from Quebec, they're sorry, eh.
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===Diplomatic relations===
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{{Main|Canada–United States relations}}
   
For more information see [[Canadian Elections]]
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== Education, eh? ==
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Canada's education system consistently ranks in top three for the universe, and is known for turning out such famous individuals such as Jesus Christ.
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The secret to Canada's wild success in [[education|educating]] their masses? The [[alien|truth]] is rather simple, the children all pass because the teachers are only capable of giving one grade: an "Eh?"
   
 
== Economy ==
 
== Economy ==
[[Image:82cents.jpg|225px|right|thumb|A Canadian [[dollar]].]]
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[[Image:N510600958 40172 9662.jpg|225px|right|thumb|Canadian currency is the first in the world to be 100% paper-safe: it's made of [[Skittles]].]]
The backbone of Canadian exports used to be [[Celine Dion]], along with lumberjacks, rocks, and sticks. The frontbone, on the other hand, was formed of bacon bits and gnarly cheese products.
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The backbone of Canadian exports used to be [[Celine Dion]], along with lumberjacks, rocks, and sticks. The frontbone, on the other hand, was formed of [[Bacon Bits|bacon bits]] and gnarly cheese products.
   
Proprietary rights to the word "eh" was also a huge boom to the economy. Sadly for Canadians worldwide, "eh" has fallen into the public domain, thus depriving them of beer money.
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Proprietary rights to the word "eh" was also a huge boom to the economy. Sadly for Canadians worldwide, "eh" has fallen into the public domain, thus depriving them of beer money, eh?
   
The Canadian dollar{{ref|money}}, a small piece of metal with little monetary value (currently running about 88¢ US), is affectionately called "the Loonie." There is a good reason for this. It has nothing to do with birds (although both contain chocolate if you peel off the outer coating).
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The Canadian dollar{{ref|money}}, a small piece of metal with little monetary value (currently running aboot 105¢ US), is affectionately called "the Loonie." There is a good reason for this. It has nothing to do with birds (although both contain chocolate if you peel off the outer coating). Conversely, the two dollar coin is called a "Toonie". This is because [[Bugs Bunny]] is featured on the reverse.
   
 
Canada is also the only country with currency to feature a queen with a bear behind{{ref|queen}}.
 
Canada is also the only country with currency to feature a queen with a bear behind{{ref|queen}}.
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'''Canada is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the credit crunch as its only export is maple syrup'''
   
 
===Exports===
 
===Exports===
Currently the primary export of Canada is [[beaver]] pix.
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[[Image:ThanksCanada.jpg|300px|thumb|People thanking Canada for not showing up at the Vancouver Olympics.]]
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Currently the primary export of Canada is a combination of [[beaver]] pix and yellow flavored snowcones.
 
Other exports include;
 
Other exports include;
*[[beer]]
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*[[Canadian Beer|beer]]
*[[weed|the weed]]
 
 
*[[Canada/People|"Famous" people]]
 
*[[Canada/People|"Famous" people]]
*tree byproducts -
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*[[White Slave|White Slaves]]
**maple syrup
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*[[CANQU]], the first quantum fission reaction power core
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*plant byproducts -
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**[[maple syrup]]
  +
**[[Breakfast|Mapelol syrup]]
 
**maple sugar
 
**maple sugar
**poutine
+
**[[weed|the weed]]
  +
**[[poutine]]
 
**[[Kraft Dinner]]
 
**[[Kraft Dinner]]
 
**Maple Beer
 
**Maple Beer
Line 105: Line 107:
   
 
===Imports===
 
===Imports===
Currently the primary imports of Canada are anything the Americans are willing to give them.
+
Currently the primary imports of Canada are anything the Americans are willing to give them. This often consists of a rare breed of [[nice American]].
  +
[[Image:Nice.jpg|right|thumb|192px|Unlikely to what you might think, those are not mountains. Those are Canada's boobs. When it gets horny from winning at hockey, they erupt lakes.]]
  +
This includes boots, snowshoes, canned goods, "nice Americans" and empties. Typically when donations are received by a charity such as ''Good Will'' or the ''Salvation Army'' for distribution to the Great White North, they are passed on to those Canadians that are afflicted with winter malaise (that would be all of them).
   
+
In short, Canada's economy rivals even those of powerhouses like [[North Korea]], [[Afghanistan]], [[Antarctica]] and most of the countries in [[Africa]].
In short, Canada's economy rivals that of even powerhouses like [[North Korea]], [[Afghanistan]] and most of the countries in [[Africa]].
 
   
 
In short, short, Canada has no economy.
 
In short, short, Canada has no economy.
  +
  +
== Climate ==
  +
Unlike its half-brother to the south, Canada has only two seasons: winter, and construction. Construction is considered to have arrived when the Toronto Maple Leafs are eliminated from the playoffs. Construction is by far the shortest season, because it begins when all the snow melts, and ends with the first snowfall. As a result of this, construction usually ends aboot one month before it begins. Winter, of course, begins with the start of the NHL season.
  +
[[Image:Lolphoenix.gif|Thumb|right|General Cherry's forces in action.]]
  +
In recent years, construction season has been arriving earlier and earlier, possibly as a result of global warming according to Torontonianiters, however the rest of Canada (yes, both of them) believe that this is due to excessive Maple Leafs suckiness.
  +
[[Image:Cherry don08.jpg|left|thumb|600px|The Canadian President [[Don Cherry]], (with hockey player soldiers) is the commander-in-chief of the Canadian forces.]]
  +
[[Image:1019 ZeroGravity.jpg|thumb|right|350px|[[Jack Layton]] "walking" on his way home in Toronto's Danforth subway station.]]
   
 
== People ==
 
== People ==
See [[Canada/People]]
+
On the right, most people are called 'Buddy', 'Moose Jockey', or 'Moy Son', in the middle, 'Gord' or 'Y'all', and the left 'Chong' or 'Dude'. For more info, see [[Canadian]],
  +
[[Canadians]], or [[Canada/People]].
  +
  +
It has also been noted, that a study in late 2006, that a well known Canadian scholar (which is similar to the equivalent of an American elementary school drop-out) has proved that Canadians are a sure sign that reverse evolution is possible.
  +
  +
Canadians are commonly called "gringos" by those living in the US.
  +
The most notable Canada person to ever move to the united states was [[Kim|some extremely hot chick]] who now works at starbucks
  +
  +
==Canadians - Gravity = eh==
  +
Many people thing that Eh is a accent made in Canada, but the truth is that because Canada has such little [[gravity]] it put less strain on the [[Canadian]] people's mouths, so that when they come down south to normal gravity their mouths have more strain and the sound eh comes out.
   
 
==Metric System==
 
==Metric System==
See [[Canada/Metric System]]
+
{{Main|Canada/Metric System}}
   
 
==Language==
 
==Language==
See [[Canada/Language]]
+
{{Main|Canada/Language}}
 
[[Image:EhEhEhEhCanadianEH.jpg|thumb|right|A Famous word invented by canadians.]]
 
   
 
== Tourism ==
 
== Tourism ==
[[Saskatoon, Saskatchewan]] hosts it's "Annual Beaver Fever Days" during the three days in summer when it doesn't snow. The A.B.F.D. involves drunk ladies showing drunk men their "upper girly parts"{{ref|parts}} and the men giving the ladies scarves in return.
+
[[Image:TTCTrolley.JPG|thumb|Conservative lies-powered tram trolley in Toronto. Note that the more they lie, the longer it gets in size.]]
  +
[[Saskatoon, Saskatchewan]] hosts it's "Annual Beaver Fever Days" during the three days in summer when it snows less than ten centimetres. The A.B.F.D. involves drunk ladies showing drunk men their "upper girly parts"{{ref|parts}} and the men giving the ladies scarves in return.
   
 
Toronto, Ontario used to host an event similar to the A.B.F.D., the major difference being the substitution of scarves with [[syphilis]].
 
Toronto, Ontario used to host an event similar to the A.B.F.D., the major difference being the substitution of scarves with [[syphilis]].
   
The Saskatchewan portion of the ''Great TransCanada Highway #1 of Canada'' is a must see for any visitor. It travels approximately 3,800Km (1200 miles) through an endless salt flat in summer and an endless snow flat in winter, the latter of which lasts from July 10 to June 15. The highway is distinguishable from the surrounding salt flat by means of potholes. No one knows where potholes come from, but they are uniquely Canadian and possibly result from beaver burrowing, although the the paranoid lefties at the [[CBC]] insist that the USAF uses the highway as a bombing range on the sly. About 228Km (700 miles) north of Beaverton, Saskatchewan, anyone awake in the vehicle will notice a sign pointing to the left across a salt flat, with the words "point of interest". This is a good place to stop, because although no one has discovered what the point of interest is, there is a public toilet there. It's only open during the summer.
+
The Saskatchewan portion of the ''Great TransCanada Highway #1 of Canada'' is a must see for any visitor. It travels approximately 3,800Km (1200 miles) through an endless salt flat in summer and an endless snow flat in winter, the latter of which lasts from July 10 to June 15. The highway is distinguishable from the surrounding salt flat by means of potholes. No one knows where potholes come from, but they are uniquely Canadian and possibly result from beaver burrowing, although the the paranoid lefties at the [[CBC]] insist that the USAF uses the highway as a bombing range on the sly. Aboot 228Km (700 miles) north of Beaverton, Saskatchewan, anyone awake in the vehicle will notice a sign pointing to the left across a salt flat, with the words "point of interest". This is a good place to stop, because although no one has discovered what the point of interest is, there is a public toilet there. It's only open during the summer.
  +
  +
[[Image:Minigun.jpg|thumb|left|'''Note to tourists:''' The 2nd amendment in Canada is the right to refer to '''ice hockey''' as '''hockey'''. So it's probably best to leave things like this at home.]]
  +
Winnipeg is currently renowned as the 'Fat Chick Capital of the World', for those tourists who are into that kind of thing. Care should be taken to distinguish the plump, sexy moosies, from the other sort of [[moose]], since human/moose hybrids are frowned upon in Canada (as opposed to human/beaver hybrids, which are strictly encouraged. See [[Pamela Anderson]].) Citizens found in violation are usually deported to Alabama, where this sort of thing is considered 'normal'.
  +
  +
[[Iqaluit]] is a popular [[bitch|beach]] resort destination known for its really, really hot climate and [[nudist]] beaches.
   
[[image:Minigun.jpg|thumb|right|'''Note to tourists:''' The 1st amendment in Canada is the right refer to '''ice hockey''' as '''hockey'''. So it's probably best to leave things like this at home.]]
+
The remainder of Canada is currently closed due to renovations. These improvements include the ongoing battle with the polite but deadly beaver, the creation of Beaver Reserves and (although gambling in any form remains illegal) beaver-themed casinos. These changes hope to lure more Americans across the border, for bait using the sinful combination of real beer and strippers that get naked all over. Success of the beerbaiting will be cheered by both sides of the border as [[The American Tourist]] is approaching endangered status due to their charm not translating well in foreign countries. Also, the Canadian Parliament{{ref|parl}} of Canada ("parliament" being an archaic British term meaning roughly, "$3 whore in a $3,000 suit") requires American currency to purchase Blackcat firecrackers and Bottlerockets from the Mexicans to fulfill their 1966 election promise of increased cold war military spending.
The remainder of Canada is currently closed due to renovations. These improvements include the ongoing battle with the polite but deadly beaver, the creation of Beaver Reserves and (although gambling in any form remains illegal) beaver-themed casinos. These changes hope to lure more Americans across the border, for bait using the sinful combination of real beer and strippers that get naked all over. Success of the beerbaiting will be cheered by both sides of the border as [[The American Tourist]] is approaching endangered status due to their charm not translating well in foreign countries. Also, the Canadian Parliament{{ref|parl}} of Canada ("parliament" being an archaic british term meaning roughly, "$3 whore in a $3,000 suit") requires American currency to purchase Blackcat firecrackers and Bottlerockets from the Mexicans to fulfill their 1966 election promise of increased cold war military spending.
 
   
 
== History ==
 
== History ==
 
Canada has a history: hundreds of years of trees, rivers, wheat, french guys, english guys, war, the Indian Act, etc. See [[Canada/History]] for a more interesting, but less true version of Canadian History.
 
Canada has a history: hundreds of years of trees, rivers, wheat, french guys, english guys, war, the Indian Act, etc. See [[Canada/History]] for a more interesting, but less true version of Canadian History.
   
  +
[[Image:Bumbles.jpg|thumb|right|An average Canadian.]]
  +
[[Image:Marijuana VI.JPG|thumb|right|A slightly more average Canadian, along with a super average American.]]
 
=== Recent History ===
 
=== Recent History ===
 
The U.N. says that Canada is the best country in the world to live; Canadians agree because to Canada the U.N. embodies the highest ideals of democracy - it gives everyone a voice, it rules entirely by committee and is therefore completely impotent (just like Canada).
 
The U.N. says that Canada is the best country in the world to live; Canadians agree because to Canada the U.N. embodies the highest ideals of democracy - it gives everyone a voice, it rules entirely by committee and is therefore completely impotent (just like Canada).
   
It has slowly been moving away from the USA in all things (except for trivial things such as trade/culture/language/vices/physical distance, etc.), and has thusly become a country with pride for its beaver and moose population (though notably not its citizens). Canada is, in fact, well on its way to passing Mexico as the world's best nation that shares a land border with the USA.
+
It has slowly been moving away from the USA in all things (except for trivial things such as trade, culture, language, vices, physical distance, etc.), and has thusly become a country with pride for its beaver and moose population (though notably not its citizens). Canada is, in fact, well on its way to passing Mexico as the world's best nation that shares a land border with the USA.
   
Some Americans <s>find it quite humo(u)rous</s> have no jealously of this fact, and as a [[Pointless Waste Of Time|pointless waste of time]] spend many hours creating tiresome [http://www.geocities.com/beaver_militia/ anti-beaver websites] trying to be funny, when they really are not. Most Americans, however, really don't notice Canada at all; which is probably for the best as Americans tend to invade the third world countries that they do notice.
+
==Future==
+
[[Image:WorldCanada.jpg|thumb|right|The world map when Canada goes crazy]]
See [[Canada/History]]
+
When [[Stephen Harper]] and US president [[Hillary Clinton]] have a chick fight Harper goes crazy and invades the US, but leaves their [[penis]] (no one wants that). Later when s/he goes through [[menopause]] he starts invading the rest of the world. When Harper gets over [[menopause]] s/he stops invading the world.
   
 
==Canada's Military==
 
==Canada's Military==
<!-- leave this blank (anything you can say about their army isn't as funny/truthful/sad as saying nothing at all) -->
+
{{Main|Canadian Military}}
 
== You Might Be A Canadian If... ==
 
<choose><option>
 
For you, [[Homo]] is a kind of [[Milk]]
 
</option><option>
 
You understand the phrase, "Tabernacle! Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the [[chesterfield]].
 
</option><option>
 
You eat chocolate [[bars]], not candy bars
 
</option><option>
 
You know what a [[Mickey]] and 2-4 mean, and you really, really miss stubby bottles
 
</option><option>
 
You don't care about the fuss with [[Cuba]]. For you it's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good [[cigars]]. Plus Canadian money is worth something there
 
</option><option>
 
You have [[Canadian Tire Money]] in your kitchen [[drawers]] and no actual money in your wallet
 
</option><option>
 
You get excited whenever an [[American]] [[television]] show mentions Canada
 
</option><option>
 
You brag to Americans that: [[Shania Twain]], [[Jim Carrey]], [[Celine Dion]] and many more are Canadians. Well, maybe not Celine...
 
</option><option>
 
You know what a tuque is. (Or toque, depending on the season)
 
</option><option>
 
You know that the last letter of the [[English]] alphabet is always pronounced "Zed" not "Zee"
 
</option><option>
 
You know how to pronounce and [[spell]] "[[Saskatchewan]]"
 
</option><option>
 
You perk up when you hear the theme song from "[[It's fucking cold eh!|Hockey Night in Canada]]"
 
</option><option>
 
You were in grade 12 (twice!), not the 12th grade (twice!)
 
</option><option>
 
"[[Eh]]?" is a very important part of your vocabulary and more polite than, "Huh?"
 
</option><option>
 
You enter contests run by groups other than the government that have "skill-testing questions"; winners must answer correctly before they can claim a prize. Those contests are usually void in [[Québec]].
 
</option><option>
 
You like things labeled in [[English]] and [[French]]. ("Mmmm, Captaine Crounche anyone?")
 
</option><option>
 
You know both the guys in the army, and didn't mind when they married each other
 
</option><option>
 
You don't freak out at 2cm of snow (west coast exempt)
 
</option><option>
 
"Hocky Night in Canada" theme is your "Bolero"
 
</option><option>
 
You can name off all seven Canadian hockey teams in less than 30 seconds
 
</option><option>
 
You're mistaken as a yank everywhere you go (Newfies, Quebecois exempt)
 
</option><option>
 
You can go skiing 12 months of the year
 
</option><option>
 
You can see snow in July
 
</option><option>
 
Flannel turns you on
 
</option><option>
 
You have a Mexican uncle and a Ukrainian aunt
 
</option></choose>
 
   
== Quotable Quotables ==
+
[[Image:Tumbleweed01.gif|center]]
   
<code>''"Tomtom, are you awake?. I want to go to Canada."''</code>
+
== Quotes ==
:<code>~ '''Sally Hemings'''</code>
 
   
<code>''"No baby, you wouldn't like Canada. They don't value freedom like us."''</code>
+
{{q|I make the snow in Canada.|Peter North}}
:<code>~ '''[[Thomas Jefferson]]'''</code>
 
   
  +
{{q|I wish I was Canadian, from there I can get to America!|Facundo from Argentina}}
   
<code>''"I wish I was Canadian, from there I can get to America!"''</code>
+
{{q|Wow, and I thought peanuts were boring.|Jimmy Carter}}
:<code>~ '''Facundo from Argentina'''</code>
 
   
  +
{{q|Canadians are nuts...and believe me, I ''know'' crazy.|Pat Buchanan}}
   
<code>''"Wow, and I thought peanuts were boring."''</code>
+
{{q|Boreal forest, Snow.|[[Les Stroud]]}}
:<code>~ '''[[Jimmy Carter]]'''</code>
 
   
  +
[[Image:01WK6aBoyinCowSuit_349.JPG|thumb|right|275px|Who wants to wave our proud flag, eh? Moi! Moi!]]
  +
{{q|I thought that was Iceland.|[[George W. Bush]]}}
   
<code>''"Canadians are nuts...and believe me, I ''know'' crazy."''</code>
+
{{q|Jeez! I froze my toes!|[[Rocket Richard]]}}
:<code>~ '''[[Pat Buchanan]]'''</code>
 
   
+
{{q|But anyone could miss Canada! Tucked all the way down there...|Homer Simpson}}
<code>''"Canada: the wet blanket on the wild party that is North America."''</code>
 
:<code>~ '''[[Anonymous]]'''</code>
 
 
 
<code>''"We can get married there, right?"''</code>
 
:<code>~ '''[[Oscar Wilde]], [[Liberace]], [[Elton John]], etc'''</code>
 
 
 
<code>''"In [[Soviet Russia]], guard stands on YOU!"''</code>
 
:<code>~ '''[[Yakov Smirnoff]]'''</code>
 
 
 
<code>''"54-40 or fight!"''{{ref|Polk}}</code>
 
:<code>~ ''[[James Polk|James Polk's]] campaign slogan''' </code>
 
 
 
<code>''"Le plus meilleur pays du monde!" ("The most good place of world!")''</code>
 
:<code>~ '''Jaques Le Quebecer'''</code>
 
   
 
== Canadian Inventions ==
 
== Canadian Inventions ==
See [[Canada/Inventions]] for the many useful and exciting things that were invented by Canadians that ended up only being profitable after their inventors sold them to Thomas Edison. Prick...
+
[[Image:Indonesianbrains.jpg|right|thumb|2000px|Canadians support the war against the war against terror.]]
  +
See [[Canada/Inventions]] for the many useful and exciting things that were invented by Canadians that ended up only being profitable after their inventors sold them to that American asshole Thomas Edison.
   
 
==Cities==
 
==Cities==
  +
Canadian cities are renowned for their vibrant night-life, exquisite traffic control, and huge fiberglass statues of big insects, fish, bunnies, platypi, octapoda, and other totem animals enshrined by each city as mascots.
  +
 
===Largest{{ref|StatsCan1}} ''("plus grandes villes")''===
 
===Largest{{ref|StatsCan1}} ''("plus grandes villes")''===
*[[Surrey, British Columbia|Surrey]], BC (current largest city in Canada, due to fact that recently a 6th igloo was added, across from the variety store.)
+
*[[Frankford]], Ont. - Only place in Canada containing an LCBO; also the founding city of the popular sport piggyback jousting
*[[Dildo]], NF
+
*[[Dildo]], NF - Birthplace of the popular sex toy.
 
*[[North Battleford]], SK
 
*[[North Battleford]], SK
 
*[[St. Louis]], MO
 
*[[St. Louis]], MO
*[[Fort-Coulonge]], QC
+
*[[Fort-Coulonge]], PQ
  +
*[[Elma]], MB
  +
*[[Whitemouth]], MB
  +
*[[Rennie]], MB
  +
*[[Seven Sisters Falls]], MB
  +
*[[Miami]], FL
   
 
===Smallest{{ref|StatsCan2}} ''("plus petites villes")''===
 
===Smallest{{ref|StatsCan2}} ''("plus petites villes")''===
 
*[[Flin Flon]], MB
 
*[[Flin Flon]], MB
*[[Pontmain]], QC
+
*[[Toronto]], ON
  +
  +
===Mediocre ''("plus moins plus moins")''===
  +
*[[Winnipeg]], MB
  +
*[[Regina]], SK
  +
*[[Calgary]], AB
  +
*[[Victoria]], BC
  +
*[[Toronto]], ON
  +
*[[Thunder Bay]], ON
  +
*[[Edmonton]], AB
  +
*[[Halifax]], NS
  +
*[[Ottawa]], ON
  +
*[[South Detroit]] ([[Windsor]], ON)
  +
  +
===Other===
  +
====Vansterdam====
  +
'''Vansterdam''' is the third capital of Canadia. It is located in the centre of vast fields of marijuana somewhere in the west.
  +
  +
Vansterdam is in competition with Montreal for the title of most debauched city in North America. Montreal is the first capital of Canada (though this is disputed by the Centre of the Universe Hogtown). Currently Vansterdam has fewer FHM hooker accolades than Montreal.
   
 
==Animals==
 
==Animals==
  +
[[Image:Newfoundland Moose Sign.jpg|right|thumb|100px|The most common road sign in Canada.]]
 
*[[Bearatross]] (known in Canada as polar bears)
 
*[[Bearatross]] (known in Canada as polar bears)
 
*[[moose|Killer Moose]]
 
*[[moose|Killer Moose]]
Line 182: Line 200:
 
*[[Beaver]]
 
*[[Beaver]]
 
*[[Jim Carrey]]
 
*[[Jim Carrey]]
  +
*[[Moldy Cheese]]
  +
*[[Jean Chrétien]]
   
 
== Footnotes ==
 
== Footnotes ==
#{{note|cod}} Did I mention Cod?
+
#{{note|unanimous}} Normally for Canada "unanimous" means "the province of Ontario and part of Quebec", but in this case "unanimous" means "people from Toronto". Toronto (population 10,458) is a native word meaning, [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072529/ "The King of Kensington"]. As "The King of Kensington" was an alleged "sitcom" about an overweight shopowner in the Kensington area of Toronto the rest of Canada watched [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0066630/ "The Beachcombers"] instead, since it was about beaches and combs.
+
#{{note|navy}} It should be noted that the Canadian Air Force ''of Canada'' recently purchased state-of-the-art british engineered submarines from the UK in order to finally surpass the submarine complement of the [[West Edmonton Mall]]. Unfortunately it will be some time before the Canadian navy can declare them operational as, due to extreme flammability issues when immersed in water, the new subs are required to wear [[condoms|large condoms]].
#{{note|beecee}} Of course, if you did need to know more the experts at Uncyclopedia would tell you that the parts at the very leftest, Vancouver Island and the Juan De Fuca islands (Juan De Fuca being [[Spanish]] for ''weed'') are ''wicked awesome'' with pot. These islands are man-made and were original built on top of the [[Pacific]] Ocean to attract the few American tourists that were tired of visiting places with sunny weather. When they (the tourists, not the islands) proved to be broke, hippies were collected using Sea King helicopters and shipped to these islands to facilitate pot production. Now growing pot is the largest industry in the leftest province, which is commonly refered to as ''BeeCee''. Pot from there is called ''B.C. bud''. No one knows why this is.
+
#{{note|unanimous}} Normally for Canada "unanimous" means "the province of Ontario and parts of Quebec", but in this case "unanimous" means "people from Toronto".
#{{note|RedGreen}} The "nots" won. The ''Red Green Show'' (later called ''The New Red Green Show'' and ''The New New Red Green Show'') was on for forty-three more seasons anyway, despite the fact that it is impossible to watch Red Green on a black & white television. It then changed it's name to Blue Green then Red Blue eventally settling on R.O.Y.G.B.I.V.. Under these various names, it lasted for another 1,800 half hour episodes, none of which made it to air, though some of the unaired episodes are available on [[Beta]] from the [[CBC]].
+
#{{note|RedGreen}} The "nots" won. The ''Red Green Show'' (later called ''The New Red Green Show'' and ''The New New Red Green Show'') was on for forty-three more seasons anyway, despite the fact that it is impossible to watch Red Green on a black & white television. It then changed it's name to Blue Green then Red Blue eventually settling on R.O.Y.G.B.I.V.. Under these various names, it lasted for another 1,800 half hour episodes, none of which made it to air, though some of the unaired episodes are available on [[Beta]] from the [[CBC]].
  +
#{{note|cod}} Did I mention Cod, b'y?
 
#{{note|TorontoTV}} This belief of being the cultural and economic center is despite the fact that only 90% of Canadian television/film/radio programming is made in Toronto and 70% of Canada's wealth is there. The other 10% of tv/film/radio programming is made by naughty, naughty Canadians during the long cold winter nights and slightly shorter cold summer nights. The remaining 30% of Canada's wealth is used to the buy the filth that those naughty Canadians make during the aformentioned nights.
 
#{{note|TorontoTV}} This belief of being the cultural and economic center is despite the fact that only 90% of Canadian television/film/radio programming is made in Toronto and 70% of Canada's wealth is there. The other 10% of tv/film/radio programming is made by naughty, naughty Canadians during the long cold winter nights and slightly shorter cold summer nights. The remaining 30% of Canada's wealth is used to the buy the filth that those naughty Canadians make during the aformentioned nights.
  +
#{{note|northish}} Did we mention that it's cold?
  +
#{{note|beecee}} Of course, if you did need to know more the experts at Uncyclopedia would tell you that the parts at the very leftest, Vancouver Island and the Juan De Fuca islands (Juan De Fuca being [[Spanish]] for ''weed'') are ''wicked awesome'' with pot and stoned, hospitable people, as evidenced by their common greeting: "Smoke this!". These islands are man-made and were original built on top of the [[Pacific]] Ocean to attract the few American tourists that were tired of visiting places with sunny weather. When they (the tourists, not the islands) proved to be broke, they were collected using Sea King helicopters and shipped to the islands to facilitate pot production. Now growing pot is the largest industry in the leftest province, which is commonly referred to as ''BeeCee''. Pot from there is called ''B.C. bud''. No one knows why this is.
 
#{{note|commies}} As per United Nations regulations set forth in 1876, political maps of the world must show Canada in pink. Note that physical maps are not held to this, as it is their politics, not the snow, that are pink.
 
#{{note|commies}} As per United Nations regulations set forth in 1876, political maps of the world must show Canada in pink. Note that physical maps are not held to this, as it is their politics, not the snow, that are pink.
 
#{{note|posts}} Currently the posts for "Member of Cabinet for West Edmonton Mall (North)" and "Minister in Charge of Picking Up After Yourself" are vacant. Applicants can send resumes to the "Canadian Department of Canadian Government Jobs and Snowshoes Canada". No fatties.
 
#{{note|posts}} Currently the posts for "Member of Cabinet for West Edmonton Mall (North)" and "Minister in Charge of Picking Up After Yourself" are vacant. Applicants can send resumes to the "Canadian Department of Canadian Government Jobs and Snowshoes Canada". No fatties.
 
#{{note|money}} Canadian money has a picture of Queen Elizabeth II, who is actually Queen of some other country, not Canada. This only applies to the back, as the front is resplendent with animals such as the loon, beaver, moose, kids playing hockey, or long gone national symbols such as the Bluenose, Anne of Green Gerbils and various dead white guys.
 
#{{note|money}} Canadian money has a picture of Queen Elizabeth II, who is actually Queen of some other country, not Canada. This only applies to the back, as the front is resplendent with animals such as the loon, beaver, moose, kids playing hockey, or long gone national symbols such as the Bluenose, Anne of Green Gerbils and various dead white guys.
#{{note|queen}} This joke is funnier when spoken: it loses the pun when writ. Of course as it's a pun, it's not all that funny even when spoken: like most plays-on-words it's more of a, "Hmmm, yeah. Funny." rather than a guffaw.
+
#{{note|queen}} This joke is funnier when spoken: it loses the pun when writ. Of course, as it's a pun, it's not all that funny even when spoken: like most plays-on-words it's less "funny-ha ha" and more "funny-''sheesh!''"
 
#{{note|parts}} Canadians have no words for tits/boobs/knockers. Instead the CDGPC ([[Boobies|Canadian Department of Girly Parts of Canada]]) has dubbed them "upper girly parts". There are, however, more than one hundred Canadian words for "vagina" which, with the exception of "beaver", are all far too filthy to print here.
 
#{{note|parts}} Canadians have no words for tits/boobs/knockers. Instead the CDGPC ([[Boobies|Canadian Department of Girly Parts of Canada]]) has dubbed them "upper girly parts". There are, however, more than one hundred Canadian words for "vagina" which, with the exception of "beaver", are all far too filthy to print here.
 
#{{note|parl}} The Canadian Parliament of Canada is not related to "George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic" which is far too cool for Canada.
 
#{{note|parl}} The Canadian Parliament of Canada is not related to "George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic" which is far too cool for Canada.
Line 199: Line 221:
 
#{{note|StatsCan2}} Statistics Canada defines a "small city" as any village that wants an [[hockey|NHL]] team or, failing that, any village that had an NHL team, but lost it when the town's [[Zamboni]] broke.
 
#{{note|StatsCan2}} Statistics Canada defines a "small city" as any village that wants an [[hockey|NHL]] team or, failing that, any village that had an NHL team, but lost it when the town's [[Zamboni]] broke.
   
== See Also ==
+
== See also ==
* [[Canadian]]
+
[[File:Burned down Whitehouse.jpg|thumb|350px|Canadians burned down the White House during the War of 1812. That's bad-ass.]]
  +
* [[Canadians (origin)]]
  +
* [[Canadians]]
  +
* [[Joe Canadian]]
 
* [[Canada (wine)]]
 
* [[Canada (wine)]]
 
* [[America Junior]]
 
* [[America Junior]]
 
* [[Canadian Beer]]
 
* [[Canadian Beer]]
* [[TriCanada]]
 
 
* [[United States of Canada]]
 
* [[United States of Canada]]
* [[Hippies]]
 
* [[Canadian Racism]]
 
 
* [[Canadian Idiot|Canadian Idiot (album)]]
 
* [[Canadian Idiot|Canadian Idiot (album)]]
* [[Canada Day]]
 
 
* [[Nortel]]
 
* [[Nortel]]
 
* [[Quebec]]
 
* [[Quebec]]
 
* [[Quebec Separatist Hippie Brigade]]
 
* [[Quebec Separatist Hippie Brigade]]
* [[Camada]]
+
* [[Boards of Canada]]
* [[Royal Canadian Mounted Police]]
 
* [[Hobbystar]]
 
* [[Boards of canada]]
 
 
* [[Canadian DnD]]
 
* [[Canadian DnD]]
* [[Tonn]]
 
* [[Donaldson's Canadian Beaver Army]]
 
 
* [[Canadian space navy]]
 
* [[Canadian space navy]]
 
* [[Captain Canada]]
 
* [[Captain Canada]]
* [[AVP]] (American Preservation Society)
 
 
* [[Denmark]]
 
* [[Denmark]]
  +
* [[Ellen Page]]
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* [[Shoot First Ask Questions Later Amendment|Canadian Shoot First, Get Shot Amendment]]
  +
* [[Peter North]]
   
== External links ==
 
*[http://cwd.ptbcanadian.com/ Canadian World Domination]
 
*[http://www.ubersite.com/m/51349 Moving to Canada ? 10 things you have to know] a message from the Canadian government
 
*[http://lympho.tripod.com/truth2/index.html Secrets of the Royal Canadian Snow Police]
 
*[http://members.tripod.com/porthos17/index.html The Great Canadian Redneck Militia]
 
*[http://thosegoldfishes.blogspot.com/2006/03/oh-canada-why-doth-thou-sucketh-so.html Oh, Canada... Why doth thou sucketh so?]
 
 
[[Category:Countries]]
 
 
{{Canada}}
 
{{Canada}}
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{{North America}}
  +
{{Commonwealth}}
  +
{{World Countries}}
   
  +
{{FA|revision=925248|date=19 July 2006}}
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[[Category:Canada| ]]
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[[Category:Places that think they are countries]]
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[[Category:Vital articles|*]]
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[[cs:Kanada]]
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[[da:Canada]]
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[[de:Kanada]]
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[[es:Canadá]]
 
[[fi:Kanada]]
 
[[fi:Kanada]]
 
[[fr:Canada]]
 
[[fr:Canada]]
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[[he:קנדה]]
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[[hu:Kanada]]
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[[it:Canada]]
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[[ja:カナダ]]
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[[ko:캐나다]]
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[[lt:Kanada]]
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[[no:Canada]]
 
[[pl:Kanada]]
 
[[pl:Kanada]]
[[ru:Каннабис]]
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[[pt:Canadá]]
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[[ru:Канада]]
{{VFH}}
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[[sk:Cannabis]]
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[[sv:Kanada]]
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[[uk:Канада]]
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[[zh:加拿大]]
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[[zh-hk:加拿大]]
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[[zh-tw:加拿大]]

Latest revision as of 20:25, February 11, 2014


Whoops! Maybe you were looking for United States of America?
Dominion of Parliamentarily-correct Canada
Canadian Federation Against Global Warming and Beneficial Effects on Terrestrial Environment
Can-a-doi
Flag of Canada Neildims
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "American money accepted at par"
Anthem: "Oh! Can A Duh!" (alternately "Oh Canabis")
Interactive-Map-of-Canaduh
Capital Ottawa (moving to Saskatoon)
Largest city Torontonia, with some 4 (or could it be 5) million people as well as Mississauga which is the 7th largest city and has the largest population of BROWN and ASIANS
Official language(s) Inuit, French, Icelandic, Sami, Greenlandic (disapora), Moose Suscachuwoonian & Hoser. Parlez-vous franglais?
Government Hockeyism
Queen Kim Jong Il
‑ Prime Minister Stephen Harper
‑ Governor General Peter Mansbridge
National Hero(es) Anne Murray, Trailer Park Boys, Rick Moranis, Rush, Terrance and Phillip, Burton Cummings' mustache, Stompin' Tom, Joel Plaskett, Celine Dion, Pamela Anderson, Colin Mochrie
Declaration
 of Independence
Whenever The United Kingdom forgot it was a colony.
Currency Beaver Scrotums, Tim Bits
Religion EHtheism
Major exports Comedians, crawf, snow, Fishermen tour guides, beavers, round bacon, shitty beer, BC bud, hockey players, mad cow beef, Maple syrup, mustaches, lake water, CANQU
Hours of
 operation
24 hours a day (24½ in Newfoundland)

It is the largest, northernmost state of the "United" States of America, also known as America's Frosted Hat, Soviet Canuckistan, America's Wacky Colorful Comic-Relief Next-Door Neighbors, Soon to be the 51st State but more commonly known as "Oops, this isn't Michigan!", is situated somewhere near the inconsequential continental U.S.A., and slightly south of the North Pole. The United Nations has managed to narrow it down further to not only north of the U.S. but also up, eh? Canada is the USA's largest national park, and tourist attraction. At one point, Canada was disputed territory, having at least once been part of Michigan, Pennsylvania, Russia, New York, England, and the Shire, Canada is now commonly accepted as a county in Montana.

The average winter temperature is -40 degrees Fahrenheit, while in summer the average temperature is -40 degrees Centigrade. Prior to 1967 (the year Canada officially became part of the Almighty States of America) 93% of all permanent structures within Canada were igloos and snow forts.

To answer the question the entire world is asking, yes, Canada has an Army, and no, Canada doesn't know about it. Canadians are known for their peacefulness and politeness in distressing situations, such as during a war or hockey playoffs. The world looks to Canada for international peace-keepers, since they possess no weapons other than snow shovels, and their jovial accent and flannel clothing are comforting[1]. NOTE:As for the "peacefulness" part, there is one known exception to this rule: The Riots in Vancouver that were started because of the outcome of the Stanley Cup Finals in 2012, in which the United States of America proved that you don't need to be literate to win the Stanley Cup.

The unanimously[2] agreed upon capital of Canada is Toronto, although a small number of government offices are located in the far less important city of Ottawa. Proposals made entirely and only by Torontonians have been made to move said offices to Toronto, but have yet to be approved. The city has considered separating from the country because of this. The rest of Canada, meanwhile, continues to think that Toronto "blows" and that the city's curling team, the Leafs, "suck".

The USA sees Canada as America's gay half cousin, (although Canada sees the USA as its fully retarded, fat-ass cousin.) Canada and the USA share a common grandmother, that being England, but while America's grandpa was apparently Satan, Canada's was HEYZEUS. (Either way, both countries share a slut for a grandmother.) While gay cousin Canada may not be able to throw the ball as far as its "cool" straighter, widely accepted America, Canada can at least find itself on a map (of course, Canada finds itself by locating the USA and going north, much like Mexicans find America by locating Mexico and going north).

edit Canada does it exist, eh?

's hat

Modern Canada, as distinguished from America, revolves around the elements of 'eh?' , 'aboot' and 'anyways'. Many people allege that Canada doesn't even exist, and for everyone in the world that's just aboot good enough. Sarah Palin has stated that she gained international experience by being a friendly neighbor to Russia. Since a really long border with Canada doesn't count for international experience, one easily concludes that Canada is the equivalent of New Mexico. Canadians have no distinguishing odor, appearance, or ethnic foods - making them undistinguished from anyone from Wisconsin or Maine. Lack of identifying marks or their own barrio in New York is further evidence that Canada is a mystical magical land where fairies and the Craken live in peaceful harmony. Canada is the 2nd largest county in the world.

edit People and politics

The vast majority of Canuckistanians are actually invincible, impotent superheroes, invested with a variety of superpowers ranging from looking at TV or computer screens for entire weeks in winter to understanding the rules of hockey using telepathy and superhuman intelligence. For this reason, Canadians don't need any form of government or even a military, since every single guy next door can either stop bullets in mid-air or cut through buildings using energy blast from their eyes, but usually they end up playing video games on their computers most of the time since no nation is crazy enough to attack such an intimidating and powerful county in Montana as Canada.

In 1952, the Canadian Air Force bioengineered all Canadians into developing resistance to the harsh winters. The technology involved beautiful fur growing out of their skin during the winter time, that really offers no thermal protection but is solely for repelling mosquitoes. This resulted in thousands of hunters from USA confusing Canadians for bears every winter, therefore explaining why Canada is so underpopulated.

edit Major Species

edit Newfies

Newfoundlanders, a rare breed of half-Irish-half-Canadian people everyone else makes fun of.

edit Frenchies

Arguably sentient.

edit Beavers

The most distinctive species in the country, these mammals have done nothing but pose for Canadian 5-cent Nickels for the past while.

edit Freaking Americans

This species has been introduced to Canada's ecosystem in recent years, coincidentally the same years that the Democrats have won Presidential elections.

edit Geography

Canada-ItsUpThere
An artist's impression of where Canada might be.

To speak of Canada's geography is to speak of the great swells of beaver that infest the land. Claims regarding topography are simply guesswork, as the mass of beavers quite literally covers the entire country, is constantly shifting and smells like tuna. Unfortunately for Canadian geographers (Gordy and Clark) the Canadian Royal Mounted Government of Canada has declared the beaver to be the nation's primary national defense system (the Canadian Armed Forces of Canada, being unarmed, unclothed and for the most part, already overseas on UN tours or backpacking around Europe, aren't generally of use for defense, beaver-assisted or otherwise). Attempts to penetrate the beaver-mass have only resulted in bloodshed and the great Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar wars of 1946, 1949 and 1952. These are unrelated to the Maple Syrup vs Maple Sugar war of 1948 that was started by a disagreement over whether Red Green was funny or not[3].

Grasssky
A typical Canadian residential backyard. Note some "bushes" in the back.

Lacking any evidence whatsoever to substantiate their claim, prominent beaver geologists Jean, Manon and François from Abitibi theorize that the actual land of Canada starts aboot 7 feet under the level of the ocean, and that the massive weight of beavers has slowly pushed the majority of the country below sea level. Additionally they say that the beaver mass has pushed the majority of sea level below sea level, thus robbing the Netherlands of their God-given right to have seas to drain and make polders, eh.

“Le Canada? Quelques arpents de neige... On ne sauve pas les écuries quand le feu est à la maison.”
~ Voltaire on talking about Canada in beautiful French for a change

An early French remark aboot Canada dismisses it as "a few acres of snow". This, of course, is a gross understatement as it is common knowledge today that Canada is 99% uninhabited by any creature other than Polar Bears, snowmen, and the famed Canadian Moose.

As much as Canadians hate to admit it, Canada is part of North America which is part of America and therefore Canada is part of America. Therefore Canadians are Americans, just as an English person is European. Everyone knows Canadians have terrible nightmares every night coming to grips with this terrible fact but please, deal with it!

edit Canada's Diverse Variousness

Beautifultoronto
Downtown Toronto: Canada's most impressive skyline.

Canada's geography is both diverse and varied: so much so that even its diversified areas are filled with diversity and have different levels or gravity. Trees plague the Canadian landscape to such an extent that most Canadian men can get wood on demand.

Granted, most of that various diverseness simply applies to moose and beavers that look slightly different from one another due to inbred mutations, but hey, it's something at least.

edit Right Side

The bit on the right is lumpy and cold and used to grow many, many fish: most of which taste like shit (turbot, cod, tuna, cod, rubber boots, cod and whatnot[4]). Massive overfishing has reduced the fish haul to essentially nil, although the pitiful remaining catch thankfully still tastes like shit, lord t'underin' Jesus! The right bit now produces only music, which is good but topically confined to bemoaning the demise of ships in the shitty tasting fish industry, coal (which has also been overfished into extinction), booze (which is rapidly being depleted by the slogan "Drink Canada Dry"), and pogey (a Canadian name for being paid by the government to work one month and sing for eleven). The Right Side only has 2% of normal gravity.

edit Slightly Left of the Right Side

Just to the west of the east lays the vibrant and cold Canadian Shield. Not an actual shield, it is covered with French Canadians on the right and Torontonians on the left. On the right no one is happy: not the french, nor Canadian, not even the ones that are a bit of both. To their left are the Torontoites: these people insist that they are the cultural and economic center of Canada[5]. Both Quebecers and Torontoners believe that they are popular people. In this they are half right (people, yes. Popular, not so much). Slightly Left of the Right Side has the most gravity of all of Canada, 36%.

399px-Hotcanadianmounties
The RCMP, Canada's police force.

edit Left of the Left of the Right Side, But not Quite Exactly Centred

Between that and the Rockies (not the rocks of the Canadian Shield, but a set of really big rocks called the Rockies) lay the prairies, whose coldness is matched only by their flatness, and whose flatness is matched only by there boringness. The whole area is festering with grain and cows. Part of it is even lucky enough to squirt oil, which is both tasty and nutritious. The Albertonians and their giant belt buckles have long claimed that this oil is proof of their god-given dominance of the country. Saskatchewanites and Manitobers, having no oil of their own (exempt canola), disagree. Left of the Left of the Right Side, But not Quite Exactly Centred has no gravity from March to June and the rest of the year has only 0.3% of gravity.

edit Northish

Inuit
He's not smiling. His face is frozen.

North of the rest of Canada is the coldest and least warm area. Not much is known aboot the Canadian north as it is both cold and not warm simultaneously, which is a bitch if you have to take a leak[6]. It is almost confirmed that Superman's hideout is here. But even Superman won't admit it. This area is only populated by Inuit and Eskimo, who live in primitive igloos half-starved on a diet of baby seals and walrus oil; and the polar bears that hunt them, which are fat and healthy and live in tundra caves complete with central air, hot tubs, and T3 internet connectivity thanks to fat government grants. The Northish has about 6.66% of gravity. In addition the lack of fresh food, drinking water, and wi-fi make the region unlivable to all but the stupidest individual with no facebook.

edit The Most Leftest Bit

The leftmost (or "west-est") side of Canada is permanently shrouded in mist, cloud and rain, and only good for growing pot... and that's all you need to know.[7] The Most Leftest Bit has 16% of gravity.

edit Politics

Main article: Canadian Elections
Parliamenthill
Parliament Hill, Canada's version of God's waiting room
Canada's political system is a unique mix of homegrown political ideologies[8], blended with some basic principles imported from Great Britain and the United States, combined in a mishmash to form what could best be described as a democratic farce. That is to say, Canada's government is in fact a quasi-benevolent form of tyranny.

The ruling party, currently the Conservative Party of Canada, is "elected" in consecutive five year terms. Eventually Canadian citizens grow weary of the crooks that they elected and boot them out, replacing them with newer, less experienced crooks.

Unlike its neighbour to the South, Canada uses a multi-party political system that is based upon the idea that it's best to put the morons in charge, where you can keep an eye on them. This is a variation of the American system of two parties of morons, and another in charge.

edit "Dear Leader"

The leader of the party and thus the country, known as the "Prime Minister" is drawn from a small pool of old, white men, who have given various favours to people more powerful than themselves for a period of twenty to thirty years. Because of this lifestyle, the Prime Minister will most definitely have a drinking problem, and will often be in the final drippy stage of syphilis. A Prime Minister will often partake in self-destructive behaviour such as meeting with Premiers, hanging out with Bono, and signing either NAFTA or the Kyoto Accord. His principal responsibilities involve setting policy to ensure that his party colleagues may continue wallowing in the public trough; representing Canada overseas through diverse diplomatic or 'fact finding' missions, such as determining the price of a banquet for 300 in Paris, or the expense of chartering large aircraft; and, being the first against the wall when the revolution comes.

Overall the Prime Minister helps Canadians. He just happens to help those Canadians that help him more. He also has the power to appoint approximately 2.5 million other officials, including every member of the cabinet, senate, privy council, supreme court, CBC board of directors, Newfoundland park council, and the Hamilton quilting society. In fact, every Canadian citizen has one form of government job or another[9].

Canadian map of the earth
An example of what Canadian children are taught during Social Studies class by their famously unbiased teachers.

One quirk with Canadian constitution is that, in contrast to Article II of the US Constitution which requires that the US President be born in the US, Canadian law states that its head of state must be born in Quebec. However as all so-called Canadian "laws", it's more of a suggestion, so if one or two Canadian Prime Ministers turn out to not be from Quebec, they're sorry, eh?

edit Diplomatic relations

edit Education, eh?

Canada's education system consistently ranks in top three for the universe, and is known for turning out such famous individuals such as Jesus Christ.

The secret to Canada's wild success in educating their masses? The truth is rather simple, the children all pass because the teachers are only capable of giving one grade: an "Eh?"

edit Economy

N510600958 40172 9662
Canadian currency is the first in the world to be 100% paper-safe: it's made of Skittles.

The backbone of Canadian exports used to be Celine Dion, along with lumberjacks, rocks, and sticks. The frontbone, on the other hand, was formed of bacon bits and gnarly cheese products.

Proprietary rights to the word "eh" was also a huge boom to the economy. Sadly for Canadians worldwide, "eh" has fallen into the public domain, thus depriving them of beer money, eh?

The Canadian dollar[10], a small piece of metal with little monetary value (currently running aboot 105¢ US), is affectionately called "the Loonie." There is a good reason for this. It has nothing to do with birds (although both contain chocolate if you peel off the outer coating). Conversely, the two dollar coin is called a "Toonie". This is because Bugs Bunny is featured on the reverse.

Canada is also the only country with currency to feature a queen with a bear behind[11].

Canada is finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the credit crunch as its only export is maple syrup

edit Exports

ThanksCanada
People thanking Canada for not showing up at the Vancouver Olympics.

Currently the primary export of Canada is a combination of beaver pix and yellow flavored snowcones. Other exports include;

edit Imports

Currently the primary imports of Canada are anything the Americans are willing to give them. This often consists of a rare breed of nice American.

Nice
Unlikely to what you might think, those are not mountains. Those are Canada's boobs. When it gets horny from winning at hockey, they erupt lakes.

This includes boots, snowshoes, canned goods, "nice Americans" and empties. Typically when donations are received by a charity such as Good Will or the Salvation Army for distribution to the Great White North, they are passed on to those Canadians that are afflicted with winter malaise (that would be all of them).

In short, Canada's economy rivals even those of powerhouses like North Korea, Afghanistan, Antarctica and most of the countries in Africa.

In short, short, Canada has no economy.

edit Climate

Unlike its half-brother to the south, Canada has only two seasons: winter, and construction. Construction is considered to have arrived when the Toronto Maple Leafs are eliminated from the playoffs. Construction is by far the shortest season, because it begins when all the snow melts, and ends with the first snowfall. As a result of this, construction usually ends aboot one month before it begins. Winter, of course, begins with the start of the NHL season.

Lolphoenix

In recent years, construction season has been arriving earlier and earlier, possibly as a result of global warming according to Torontonianiters, however the rest of Canada (yes, both of them) believe that this is due to excessive Maple Leafs suckiness.

Cherry don08
The Canadian President Don Cherry, (with hockey player soldiers) is the commander-in-chief of the Canadian forces.
1019 ZeroGravity
Jack Layton "walking" on his way home in Toronto's Danforth subway station.

edit People

On the right, most people are called 'Buddy', 'Moose Jockey', or 'Moy Son', in the middle, 'Gord' or 'Y'all', and the left 'Chong' or 'Dude'. For more info, see Canadian, Canadians, or Canada/People.

It has also been noted, that a study in late 2006, that a well known Canadian scholar (which is similar to the equivalent of an American elementary school drop-out) has proved that Canadians are a sure sign that reverse evolution is possible.

Canadians are commonly called "gringos" by those living in the US. The most notable Canada person to ever move to the united states was some extremely hot chick who now works at starbucks

edit Canadians - Gravity = eh

Many people thing that Eh is a accent made in Canada, but the truth is that because Canada has such little gravity it put less strain on the Canadian people's mouths, so that when they come down south to normal gravity their mouths have more strain and the sound eh comes out.

edit Metric System

Main article: Canada/Metric System

edit Language

Main article: Canada/Language

edit Tourism

TTCTrolley
Conservative lies-powered tram trolley in Toronto. Note that the more they lie, the longer it gets in size.

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan hosts it's "Annual Beaver Fever Days" during the three days in summer when it snows less than ten centimetres. The A.B.F.D. involves drunk ladies showing drunk men their "upper girly parts"[12] and the men giving the ladies scarves in return.

Toronto, Ontario used to host an event similar to the A.B.F.D., the major difference being the substitution of scarves with syphilis.

The Saskatchewan portion of the Great TransCanada Highway #1 of Canada is a must see for any visitor. It travels approximately 3,800Km (1200 miles) through an endless salt flat in summer and an endless snow flat in winter, the latter of which lasts from July 10 to June 15. The highway is distinguishable from the surrounding salt flat by means of potholes. No one knows where potholes come from, but they are uniquely Canadian and possibly result from beaver burrowing, although the the paranoid lefties at the CBC insist that the USAF uses the highway as a bombing range on the sly. Aboot 228Km (700 miles) north of Beaverton, Saskatchewan, anyone awake in the vehicle will notice a sign pointing to the left across a salt flat, with the words "point of interest". This is a good place to stop, because although no one has discovered what the point of interest is, there is a public toilet there. It's only open during the summer.

Minigun
Note to tourists: The 2nd amendment in Canada is the right to refer to ice hockey as hockey. So it's probably best to leave things like this at home.

Winnipeg is currently renowned as the 'Fat Chick Capital of the World', for those tourists who are into that kind of thing. Care should be taken to distinguish the plump, sexy moosies, from the other sort of moose, since human/moose hybrids are frowned upon in Canada (as opposed to human/beaver hybrids, which are strictly encouraged. See Pamela Anderson.) Citizens found in violation are usually deported to Alabama, where this sort of thing is considered 'normal'.

Iqaluit is a popular beach resort destination known for its really, really hot climate and nudist beaches.

The remainder of Canada is currently closed due to renovations. These improvements include the ongoing battle with the polite but deadly beaver, the creation of Beaver Reserves and (although gambling in any form remains illegal) beaver-themed casinos. These changes hope to lure more Americans across the border, for bait using the sinful combination of real beer and strippers that get naked all over. Success of the beerbaiting will be cheered by both sides of the border as The American Tourist is approaching endangered status due to their charm not translating well in foreign countries. Also, the Canadian Parliament[13] of Canada ("parliament" being an archaic British term meaning roughly, "$3 whore in a $3,000 suit") requires American currency to purchase Blackcat firecrackers and Bottlerockets from the Mexicans to fulfill their 1966 election promise of increased cold war military spending.

edit History

Canada has a history: hundreds of years of trees, rivers, wheat, french guys, english guys, war, the Indian Act, etc. See Canada/History for a more interesting, but less true version of Canadian History.

Bumbles
An average Canadian.
Marijuana VI
A slightly more average Canadian, along with a super average American.

edit Recent History

The U.N. says that Canada is the best country in the world to live; Canadians agree because to Canada the U.N. embodies the highest ideals of democracy - it gives everyone a voice, it rules entirely by committee and is therefore completely impotent (just like Canada).

It has slowly been moving away from the USA in all things (except for trivial things such as trade, culture, language, vices, physical distance, etc.), and has thusly become a country with pride for its beaver and moose population (though notably not its citizens). Canada is, in fact, well on its way to passing Mexico as the world's best nation that shares a land border with the USA.

edit Future

WorldCanada
The world map when Canada goes crazy

When Stephen Harper and US president Hillary Clinton have a chick fight Harper goes crazy and invades the US, but leaves their penis (no one wants that). Later when s/he goes through menopause he starts invading the rest of the world. When Harper gets over menopause s/he stops invading the world.

edit Canada's Military

Main article: Canadian Military
Tumbleweed01

edit Quotes

“I make the snow in Canada.”
“I wish I was Canadian, from there I can get to America!”
~ Facundo from Argentina
“Wow, and I thought peanuts were boring.”
“Canadians are nuts...and believe me, I know crazy.”
“Boreal forest, Snow.”
01WK6aBoyinCowSuit 349
Who wants to wave our proud flag, eh? Moi! Moi!
“I thought that was Iceland.”
“Jeez! I froze my toes!”
“But anyone could miss Canada! Tucked all the way down there...”

edit Canadian Inventions

Indonesianbrains
Canadians support the war against the war against terror.

See Canada/Inventions for the many useful and exciting things that were invented by Canadians that ended up only being profitable after their inventors sold them to that American asshole Thomas Edison.

edit Cities

Canadian cities are renowned for their vibrant night-life, exquisite traffic control, and huge fiberglass statues of big insects, fish, bunnies, platypi, octapoda, and other totem animals enshrined by each city as mascots.

edit Largest[14] ("plus grandes villes")

edit Smallest[15] ("plus petites villes")

edit Mediocre ("plus moins plus moins")

edit Other

edit Vansterdam

Vansterdam is the third capital of Canadia. It is located in the centre of vast fields of marijuana somewhere in the west.

Vansterdam is in competition with Montreal for the title of most debauched city in North America. Montreal is the first capital of Canada (though this is disputed by the Centre of the Universe Hogtown). Currently Vansterdam has fewer FHM hooker accolades than Montreal.

edit Animals

Newfoundland Moose Sign
The most common road sign in Canada.

edit Footnotes

  1. ^  It should be noted that the Canadian Air Force of Canada recently purchased state-of-the-art british engineered submarines from the UK in order to finally surpass the submarine complement of the West Edmonton Mall. Unfortunately it will be some time before the Canadian navy can declare them operational as, due to extreme flammability issues when immersed in water, the new subs are required to wear large condoms.
  2. ^  Normally for Canada "unanimous" means "the province of Ontario and parts of Quebec", but in this case "unanimous" means "people from Toronto".
  3. ^  The "nots" won. The Red Green Show (later called The New Red Green Show and The New New Red Green Show) was on for forty-three more seasons anyway, despite the fact that it is impossible to watch Red Green on a black & white television. It then changed it's name to Blue Green then Red Blue eventually settling on R.O.Y.G.B.I.V.. Under these various names, it lasted for another 1,800 half hour episodes, none of which made it to air, though some of the unaired episodes are available on Beta from the CBC.
  4. ^  Did I mention Cod, b'y?
  5. ^  This belief of being the cultural and economic center is despite the fact that only 90% of Canadian television/film/radio programming is made in Toronto and 70% of Canada's wealth is there. The other 10% of tv/film/radio programming is made by naughty, naughty Canadians during the long cold winter nights and slightly shorter cold summer nights. The remaining 30% of Canada's wealth is used to the buy the filth that those naughty Canadians make during the aformentioned nights.
  6. ^  Did we mention that it's cold?
  7. ^  Of course, if you did need to know more the experts at Uncyclopedia would tell you that the parts at the very leftest, Vancouver Island and the Juan De Fuca islands (Juan De Fuca being Spanish for weed) are wicked awesome with pot and stoned, hospitable people, as evidenced by their common greeting: "Smoke this!". These islands are man-made and were original built on top of the Pacific Ocean to attract the few American tourists that were tired of visiting places with sunny weather. When they (the tourists, not the islands) proved to be broke, they were collected using Sea King helicopters and shipped to the islands to facilitate pot production. Now growing pot is the largest industry in the leftest province, which is commonly referred to as BeeCee. Pot from there is called B.C. bud. No one knows why this is.
  8. ^  As per United Nations regulations set forth in 1876, political maps of the world must show Canada in pink. Note that physical maps are not held to this, as it is their politics, not the snow, that are pink.
  9. ^  Currently the posts for "Member of Cabinet for West Edmonton Mall (North)" and "Minister in Charge of Picking Up After Yourself" are vacant. Applicants can send resumes to the "Canadian Department of Canadian Government Jobs and Snowshoes Canada". No fatties.
  10. ^  Canadian money has a picture of Queen Elizabeth II, who is actually Queen of some other country, not Canada. This only applies to the back, as the front is resplendent with animals such as the loon, beaver, moose, kids playing hockey, or long gone national symbols such as the Bluenose, Anne of Green Gerbils and various dead white guys.
  11. ^  This joke is funnier when spoken: it loses the pun when writ. Of course, as it's a pun, it's not all that funny even when spoken: like most plays-on-words it's less "funny-ha ha" and more "funny-sheesh!"
  12. ^  Canadians have no words for tits/boobs/knockers. Instead the CDGPC (Canadian Department of Girly Parts of Canada) has dubbed them "upper girly parts". There are, however, more than one hundred Canadian words for "vagina" which, with the exception of "beaver", are all far too filthy to print here.
  13. ^  The Canadian Parliament of Canada is not related to "George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic" which is far too cool for Canada.
  14. ^  We didn't make that one up. Sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
  15. ^  Due to the Golden Horseshoe Preservation Act of 2005, Toronto is no longer to be classified as anything other than a state of mind. Also, Statistics Canada defines a "major city" as any village with an NHL team or, failing that, any village that once had an NHL team but lost it to a bigger, richer city in the southern USA where, oddly, they don't "get" hockey at all.
  16. ^  Statistics Canada defines a "small city" as any village that wants an NHL team or, failing that, any village that had an NHL team, but lost it when the town's Zamboni broke.

edit See also

Burned down Whitehouse
Canadians burned down the White House during the War of 1812. That's bad-ass.
Quebecsnow
Countries and territories of North America
America: United States of America | Confederate States of America
Canada: Canada | Canadia | People's Republic of Canada | Canada States
Everyone else: Awesome land | Not So Awesome Land | Barbados | Cuba | Dominican Republic | Haiti | Jamaica | Mexico | Tortuga | Trinidad and Tobago
Dependencies
Acadia | Bermuda Triangle | Duchy of Björk | British Virgin Islands | Caribbean | Cayman Islands | Greenland | Gulf of Mexico | Martinique | Monkey Island | Orgasm | Pen Island | St. Pierre and Miquelon | Puerto Rico | Québec | Tropico | U.S. Virgin Islands | Wikiland
Commonwealth of Independent Nations
Australia ~ Bangladesh ~ Belize ~ Botswana ~ Canada ~ Cameroon ~ Cyprus ~ Ghana ~ Great Britain ~ Guyana ~ Heaven ~ Hell ~ India ~ Ireland ~ Jamaica ~ Kiribati ~ Malawi ~ Maldives ~ Malta ~ Mauritius ~ Mozambique ~ Nauru ~ New Zealand ~ Nigeria ~ Pakistan ~ Samoa ~ Singapore ~ South Africa ~ Sri Lanka ~ Swaziland ~ Rwanda ~ Tanzania ~ Tonga ~ Trinidad and Tobago ~ Uganda ~ Zambia ~ Zimbabwe
Countries and territories of The World
Afghanistan | Albania | Algeria | Angola | Argentina | Armenia | Australia | Austria | Azerbaijan | Bahrain | Bangladesh | Barbados | Belarus | Belgium | Belize | Bhutan | Bolivia | Botswana | Brazil | British Virgin Islands | Bulgaria | Burkina Faso | Burma | Burundi | Cambodia | Cameroon | Canada | Cayman Islands | Central African Republic | Chad | China | Christmas Island | Colombia | Costa Rica | Côte d'Ivoire | Croatia | Cuba | Cyprus | Czech Republic | Denmark |Djibouti | Dominican Republic | Ecuador | Egypt | El Salvador | Equatorial Guinea | Denmark | Disneyland | Estonia | Ethiopia | Falkland Islands | Faroe Islands | Finland | Flanders | France | French Guiana | Gabon | Germany | Ghana | Gibraltar | Greece | Greenland | Guam | Guatemala | Guernsey | Guinea | Guyana | Haiti | Hong Kong | Hungary | Iceland | India | Indonesia | Iran | Iraq | Ireland | Israel | Italy | Jamaica | Japan | Jordan | Kansai | Kazakhstan | Kiribati | Kuwait | Kyrgyzstan | Laos | Latvia | Lebanon | Lesotho | Liberia | Libya | Liechtenstein | Lithuania | Luxembourg | Macau | Macedonia | Malawi | Maldives | Malaysia | Malta | Martinique | Mauritania | Mauritius | Mexico | Micronesia | Moldova | Monaco | Mongolia | Morocco | Mozambique | Nauru | Nepal | Netherlands | New Caledonia | New Zealand | Nicaragua | Niger | Nigeria | North Korea | Norway | Oman | Pakistan | Papua-New Guinea | Palau | Peru | Philippines | Phoenix Islands | Poland | Portugal | Puerto Rico | Qatar | Romania | Russia | Rwanda | Samoa | San Marino | Saudi Arabia | Serbia | Singapore | Slovenia | South Africa | South Korea | Spain | Sri Lanka | Sudan | Suriname | Svalbard | Swaziland | Sweden | Switzerland | Syria | Taiwan | Tajikistan | Tanzania | Thailand | Tonga | Trinidad and Tobago | Togo | Tunisia | Turkey | Turkmenistan | Ubeki Beki Beki Beki Stan Stan | Uganda | Ukraine | United Arab Emirates | United Kingdom | United States | Uruguay | Uzbekistan | Venezuela | Vietnam | Western Sahara | Yemen | Zambia | Zimbabwe

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