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“CAMP: The best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be ”
Camp Coffee is known to chemists as the only substance to be in solid-liquid limbo. Used for drinking, making cakes, making bombs, gluing things together, and staining clothes (and skin), CAMP Coffee has been around for a very, very (very) long time. Although bottles are still in production, the factory doesn't release them until they are 30 years matured in the bottle, (to achieve the chemical solid-liquid state), so any bottle of CAMP you happen to see, new or old, look like they have been sitting on your grandmothers shelve since it was bought to ice the cake of her 10th birthday - which is probably the case. It is thus impossible to find a bottle of CAMP without severe congealing around the lid, dust everywhere, and the need of a long instrument to scoop it out of the bottom (CAMP bottles are never full).
Camp Coffee is widely known to be a Scottish product, and it is unobtainable everywhere else. However, it was actually invented by an Indian Chemist by the name of Ravi Shankar Snr. Snr. Snr. Snr.. In 1750, Ravi and his team of chemists were experimenting with a newly discovered compound, one which had properties of both solid and liquid. In 1752, this was eventually stabilised, and bottled. A new team were brought in to test the effects of human consumption. However, a strong nationalist feel resulted in the Gout Act of 1753; which made it illegal for any potentially dangerous experimentation to be carried out on fellow Indian people. Thankfully, this new team was lead by Mr. X (identity removed) who had dual nationality with Great Britain. Scotland had recently insulted the Indian nation by opposing the proposed underground tunnel between the two nations under the pretence of "not having the technology for such a tunnel in the mid 1700's" (when everyone knew the real reason being that the Scots just hated the Indians - pure and simple). So, the obvious solution was to unleash the product on the nation of Scotland, and observe the results. The product was marketed there, having a label of an Indian man serving a Scots soldier; an ironic joke on India's part.
Controversy of Label Change
Thankfully, the Scots took to CAMP Coffee, finding that the addition of milk made it a pleasant drink. However, in the late 1900's, India's research was published and the Scots found out the reason for CAMP Coffee - and they weren't happy. This prompted the label change from the Indians serving us the CAMP Coffee, to the image of the two both sitting down together, with the Scot saying "see how you like it, you fucker". This has been subject to much controversy, but the makers of CAMP (now owned by a Scottish company after India gave the product to them once the research was published) have stood by their decision, and indeed, sales have increased. Most drink it out of defiance, however, there are a select few that hunt through the pubs of Scotland to try and find that dusty bottle at the back of the bar, and much to the horror of the staff, are asked to make such things as:
Popular CAMP drinks
- All drinks require a straw, knife, or some implement to stir the drink vigorously before each sip. Old CAMP does not mix well (and all CAMP is old CAMP).
- CAMP Coffee: The original favourite, CAMP coffee topped up with hot milk to make that instant classic chicory essence coffee we all know and love. Fetch the FUCKIN' CAMP!!
- The Virgin CAMP: Plain and simple, a non-alcoholic easy going drink for beginners and old-timers alike. Take a moderate (not really, I meant generous) helping of CAMP, and top up with ice cold milk. Perfect for a summers day. Also suitable in the middle of winter.
- CAMP Russian: An altered White Russian. A generous helping of CAMP (more experienced CAMP drinkers prefer more), one/two shots of vodka, Kahula (or any milk based liqueur), topped up with milk. This is the most popular CAMP based drink.
- CAMP on the beach: When made correctly, should have the texture of wet sand. Needs to be eaten with a spoon (but served in a regular glass). Add a generous helping of camp, and two shots of Baileys; once made, stir vigorously - upon doing so, the CAMP and Baileys should bind together, creating a new compound with a texture requiring a spoon to consume. Will not be enjoyed by novice CAMP drinkers.
- Flaming CAMP:Shot of CAMP in the bottle of a glass, with a thin layer of sambuca on top. Once lit, the layer of sumbuca goes up in flames, and melts the CAMP underneath, leaving you with a liquid state of CAMP, prefect for downing in one go! The hot feeling as it trickles down your throat should leave you with a nice, warm, tingly feeling. Or gout.
CAMP Coffee is a dangerous substance, and one not to be messed around with. Once on clothing, it will not ever come off. More seriously, once on the skin, it stains permanently, and spreads over your whole body until you look like ploppy after he stood in front of his fart-generating machine in 1947. CAMP must NOT be stored in anything other than the original bottle, which has been chemically designed for such a purpose.