Camp Fuck You Die
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“CAMP FUCK YOU DIE! Where you lose your virginity, sanity, and bowel control all in one go!”
“just like my colostomy bag!”
Camp Fuck You Die is a time-space warp located in Louisiana which is capable of trapping campers from all time periods, continents, and planets. Please don't lick the dead people. it's also known for it's famous slogan: "Come for the Christian Brainwashing, stay 'cause we say so!"
Letter from the Camp Staff
Dear Camper, Welcome to Camp Fuck You Die, a privately-owned zombie-producing institute hell-bent on torturing young, suspicious adults. Be warned: magic, guns, or ingenuity will not aid in your escape, and will most likely only result in non funny articles. How we orchestrated your attendance is unimportant; believe and relate what you will. Please note that we will continue to confine you here until the culprit behind the Camp Director's beloved fiance's death either steps forward or is "discovered." Until then, you will be able to enjoy your stay in the following ways: * Play "Avoid the Undead." A very popular pastime here which will undoubtedly become a favourite of yours as well. * Swim with the crocodiles in the lake. Please note that you must wear both life jackets and raw meat at all times. Or a life jacket of raw meat is also permitted. * Mingle with other campers as you fortify your tiny cabin (six to a room) against midnight zombie attacks. You'll make lasting alliances and fickle friendships alike. * Learn how to hunt, fish, and properly fire a shotgun into zombie eye-sockets, the only known way of killing them. * Amuse both yourselves and the staff in the Arts and Crafts Hut by crocheting, weaving, and attempting to plot out an escape (in vain). * Be both wary and grateful of the unlimited (porn-less) Internet access we provide. * Enjoy the wonderful tranquility that comes with being probed with strange objects by undead minions. Please remember that the sooner the murderer confesses, the sooner you all can leave this Hell. As such, you are encouraged to relentlessly harass your peers. Keep them awake at night. Feed them mud. Dress them as homosexual rabbits. Above all, pursue the killer. Hoping that you have a wonderful summer, The Staff
Arts and Crafts Hut
Come to the arts and crafts hut to paper maché or accuse others of being the killer. Currently has a (sanitary?) pool around back. Also feel free to stay here if you have yet to be assigned a cabin.
While using the fine facilities called bathrooms, we would prefer you to be kind enough to overlook some of the "not yet addressed" problems that our technical stuff is working on as we speak. We had received several complaints of fly lacking problems, as well as distinctive red marks inside shower cabins. Other than that, feel free to spend all the time you feel like spending here, unless it is more than several hours, which is considered careless since other people have genitalia too, you selfish bastard.
The cabins are supposedly separated by gender, despite the fact that the only part gender actually plays in CFUD is helping campers find mates of the same sex.
The ACROSS House of Love
Il Palazzo and his subordinates live in their white-picket-and-barbwire-fenced-off property, where they plot world domination and have wild AU sex parties. The ACROSS complex has been destroyed more often than Toyko during Godzilla mating season.
At the camp store, you can buy candy, souvenirs, or slaves if the Camp Director thinks you're making progress in the murder case. We're currently trying to bring in laxatives, so please be patient.
A circus tent was recently placed on top of the Mess Hall by Pallapalla. Performances are held regularly and cost $25. There is a 50% chance during any given performance of being attacked and having your Dream Mirror fed to the monster of the day.
The Mess Hall is a vital part of Camp Fuck You Die. While the food is radioactive, inedible, and sometimes sentient, the Mess Hall remains an important gathering place for campers to flirt, fight zombies, and plot each other's humiliation. You can also find Carlos there, when he's not behind the 7-11 (or dead). Three meals a day are served here. Never, ever eat Tuesday's Mystery Soup.
The toolshed contains tools, shockingly enough, though they are violent and prone to attacking any campers who attempt to use them. They will beat you down and have their way with you. Except for Rosalyn, because apparently she used to live there.
The Shouta Squad
- Ash Ketchum (Shouta Red)
- Alphonse Elric (Shouta Blue)
- Ari (Shouta Green)
- Buffy Summers (Shouta Black)
- Chisame (Shouta HotPocket)
- Dearka (Shouta
- Hanatarou Yamada (Shouta Sock)
- Uryuu Ishida (Shouta
Cock DuckCo... Cuck)
- Itachi Uchiha (Shouta CrabApple)
- Fletcher Tringham (Shouta Sunflower)
- Naruto Uzumaki (Shouta Clear)
- Neji Hyuuga (Shouta Pooh)
- Nokoru Imonoyama (Shouta Maroon)
- Masaharu Morimoto (Shouta Outa Louda)
- Renji Yanagi (Shouta Kitchen)
- Robert Haydn (Shouta Shamu)
- Franz Joseph Haydn (Shouta Austria)
- Rock Lee (Shouta Tartan)
- Russel Tringham (Shouta Plaid)
- Russel Peters (Shouta BROWN)
- Sousuke Sagara (Shouta White)
- T-elos (Shouta Sex)
- Tot (Shouta Tomato)
- Wolfram von Bielefeld (Shouta bishonen)
- Wolfram's Fist (Shouta Fist)
- Yuusuke Urameshi (Shouta Gold)
- Yzak Jule (Shouta Bananafruit)
- Rock Man X (Shouta DarkBlue)
- Sasuke Uchiha (Shouta CurseMark)
Other somewhat-associated members include:
- Excel (Honorary Awesome Shouta Leader)
- Honorary Audience Members (Shouta Calligraphy, Shouta Marshmallow, Shouta Now and Later)
The A Team
The A Team is a sub-group of the shouta squad made up of three of the original members: Ash Ketchum, Ari Ruka, and Alphonse Elric. They often get into zany hijinks that may or may not leave them injured. Or younger/older. Or small fuzzy animals. Their archenemies is the group known as PETA, who once kidnapped Alphonse and held him for a ransom of Krispy Kreme donuts and human-type Nazi Pokémon.
Shounen retards are boys who, when frustrated for any reason, use violence to express their feelings. They often have a sense of honor, and when provoked, are capable of swearing like pirates. They may become flustered or confused when exposed to emotions they cannot cope with via punching. Most, despite their tough exterior, possess a creme filling. Shounen retards who have attended or currently attend camp are:
- Edward Elric
- Ichigo Kurosaki
- Ranma Saotome
- Yuusuke Urameshi
- Naruto Uzumaki
- Excel (even though technically female)
- Atsuko Urameshi (birthed Yuusuke. 'NUFF SAID.)
- Buffy Summers (is Yuusuke's AU twin)
- Yzak Jule (hey, he beats lockers)
- Gan Ning (Swears like a pirate? Check. Violence? Check. Creme filling? Check.)
- Lady (What she lacks in shounen, she makes up for in... yaaaaaah...)
- Ueki Kousuke
- Son Goku
(not abusive. honest)
- Fuuma Yousuke
- Kai Miyagusuku
- Holland Novak
The sad women that suffer for being
in denial straight in a camp full of gay:
- Chisame Hasegawa
- Lunamaria Hawke
- Huang Yue Ying
- George Lass
- Mikuru Asahina
- Haruhi Suzumiya
- Euphemia Li Britannia
Homechat Gamer/Homechat Gamer's Dynamic Duo/Terrific Trio/Quirky Quartet/The Homechat Gamers
These people know how to survive. Anyone who joins this cabin group is an automatic friend of Marcy's.
- Homechat Gamer
- Hazim Hassan (Facebook)
The Counselors (2000-present)
They exist. Really.
Sometimes helpful, sometimes nice,
sometimes squirrels, mostly sadistic, the Audience enjoys poking fun at campers, advocating relationships, encouraging Ash to sparkle and making sure that Ying turns into a radioactive zombie at least once a week. They are easily distracted by gays, porn and gay porn. It is a long held tradition for the Audience members to marry new campers. And each other. And occasionally particularly brilliant computers. This tradition was started by Merodi.
We also blame the campers for the death of our social lives. And possibly failing some exams. Thanks a lot, you horrible, hilarious bastards. (You're welcome!)
During the 1,000,000 comment dash, the Audience displayed powers of spam-fu that were probably better left dormant.
Our chief weapon is annoyance... Annoyance and sparkles... Sparkles and Annoyance... Our two weapons are annoyance, sparkles, and marriage... Our three weapons are annoyance, sparkles and marriage... And an almost fanatical devotion to crack... Our four... No, AMONGST our weapons... Weaponry... Are such elements as...
We'll come in again.
Viruses Which May/May Not Affect Your Wang
CFUD is a breeding ground for the strangest viruses ever. Emphasis on the "strange" part.
Someone else please to add on more as this audience member's memory is fast deteriorating with age. And she's only 16. Woe.
Newest virus on the block started by Kon aka Superboy. Apparently, every time you sneeze, it changes you into your ex AKA your former significant other. In the loosest terms possible. Seriously, Fletcher turns into his evil ex-boss.
You change genders. With usually quite smexy results. Neji, so far, wins the "Camper that has turned into the opposite gender the most times" award. Neji blames it on his oh-so-pretty hair.Wolfram was awarded second prize and yet he does not show up.
Just as it sounds. You turn significantly younger than your original self and you spam camp with cute. ♥ Is sometimes used with the gender-switch virus to double the cuteness factor.Wolfram has been awarded by getting affected by this virus but he never shows up I wonder why ?
I forgot the official name, if there even was one, but it does the opposite of the de-aging virus. And instead of "cute", most campers turn out rather hot. Yum~
Campers turn into animals and chaos ensues. Only not really. Anywhoz, the favored animals are cats and bunnies. And no, Ash's cow self is not a virus. Unfortunately for the campers' sanity, he can squirt out milk by using his "moo-no-jutsu". Blame Naruto for teaching him Sexy-no-Jutsu.
CFUD: Making thousands lactose intolerant. And try not to think of why someone would associate cows with sex.
Everyone turned into a Pokémon of some sort, which gave Ash a field day. And Al made the cutest Pikachu. ♥
Cloud Sign virus
A small cloud hung over random campers and displayed their true thoughts for all the camp to see. Only they can't see it. Oh my~
Bad fanfics galore. And, holy crud, it was bad. No words can describe how horrid they were. Why fanfiction.net?
... Wait, were? ŏAŏ
Unlike usual camp viruses, this one affected the computers. Ah, the spammage that ensued. Basically, the computers wrote crack or AU sex for the whole camp to read. It was very good sex too. ♥
Super Hero virus
AMAZING! WE IS THE SUPERHERO! NOW BE FLY TO THE FREEDOM AN- wait, what? It makes our tongues swell up?...and, that's it? That's ALL IT DOES?! OH-COME-THE-FUCK-ON!!!!!
Magical Girl virus
Actually, it wasn't really a virus so much as you get a bracelet and turn into a magical girl. Fun for all ages.
Worse than the Animal/Furry virus. Thats all you need to know...
Native Creatures and Plant Life
There are various organisms that campers will want to look out for. Also, now that a "proper translator" has arrived at the camp, here is what the various wildlife are apparently like.
The IRC Channel
Don't mind the topic. We're here to break your brains. For the record, if you didn't already know: We support sodomy, polygamy and genocide! ...Well, maybe not the last one. Our lovely mascot is Neko Hitler! Love him. Or else.
Come visit at: irc.lunarnet.org, #campfuckudie today!
- Alphonse: pwns everyone with The Cute.
- Ami: Moonlights as a guy and a marshmallow. Has the couch and is keeping it.
- Anita: Cannot multitask for the life of her and just idles. Is pwned by basic IRC commands.
- Ari: The shoutaholic. Feed obsession at own risk! Needs love. Lots of love.
- Ash: Provider of Milk/Ash!Juice/Body Fluids. You know you love it. Breaking brains with his stupidity one day at a time!
- Athrun: Randomly bipolar. Horny in a good mood and emo otherwise. Gay for Jedi. Occasionally the only sane one. Now spends more time as Dearka and doubleteams with Yzak to kill chan with gay.
- Biz: ...well, Biz!
- Death: HE KILLS YOU. YOU DO NOT SURVIVE. EVER.
- Box: Yuusuke, Snake, or Mustang in hiding. FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP KICKING ME. I'M ZEN IN MY BOX.
- Buffy: Is never in IRC because her college bans it. She emos about this, but no one knows, because she's not in IRC.
- Cher: Is probably writing a crack drabble about you right now. Also, obsessed with bad porn and taking NishiCat to the vet.
- Chisame: Is usually chewing on Near, sobbing as she's molested by Gilbert Dullindal, or talking about you in PM. HAH HAH! PM.
- Chouji: Also known as Sunako. Provides us with pretty, pretty scans and is also too lazy to write up her own bio, so encourages others to! And hence, this. Except Chouji would like to add that it's better to practice safe link-clicking and only click after others.
- Christi: Responsible for almost all of the infamous THE FACE icons in camp. Enjoys breaking the minds of her fellow audience members, boobsquishing, and yuri. Give her some yuri, loves.
- Elphaba: Likes giving away hamsters (but not to Rikuou because he wants to eat them. Meanie.) Has become one of Gwendal's many fiancees due to a strange Mazoku courtship ritual that involves the dropping of salad on one's keyboard. Is the daddy of CFUD Pacific Northwest.
- Emo_Jedi: Only has this name because some other asshole registered "Anakin." Asshole.
- Excel: A playercestuous psycho who prefers Pokémon porn.
- Gojyo: Also known as Renji or Amelia. Topped by everyone. Likes to strip when the channel dies.
- Gwendal: The Channel Bicycle. Will do anything with anybody for absolutely no cost! Breaking into song and lapdances are free. Has a kinder, gentler, less sexual side named Murata^Ken. This is of course negated by the handle Gwendal, when no boy is safe. Pinged by "wall", ")8", and "Hitler", WTF Gwen.
- Heine: Your Godfather. His word is supreme. And the heat rod? Don't touch it. (That goes double for Nishi)
- Haine: Not to be confused with Heine. Can be usually be found eating, sleeping, fangirling, making random and often unrelated comments, or drawing.
- Hatsuharu: Has the attention span of a gerbil on crack.
- Hadisia: Henshins into Theodore Roosevelt and Lesbian!Snape. Not to be confused with Hermisia, but often is anyway. A Shounen Idiot with a Great Rack.
Can kill a grown man using only the awesome powers of crack!porn. And by "kill" I mean "kind of annoy and maybe worry".is now Lady
- Himejima: Often confused as Hanajima. Likes to be called Hime, cause he's flouncy like that. Is confused half the time in IRC and emos about typos, early bedtimes, and confusing Tot for Momoko and vice versa. Also has a clone named Oscar.
- Ikkaku: Whines about inability to get work done. Heckles her own character. Uses ComicChat, which is some old outdated program that is all compatible with IRC, and therefore probably does not have ping power. Has incredibly horrible hours!
- Impulse: Alternates between IC-ignorance on the debauchery going on in the channel and throwing out links to http://www.superdickery.com or scans_daily. Despite character superspeed is slow on greetings and farewells, and is mocked accordingly.
- Ishida: The sane one. ...no, really. Ignore the obsession with Egyptian cotton. Has a problem with "pron"; will try to convince you that it is actually "apron". This is a lie. The jury is out on which is actually worse.
- Itachi: Perhaps the most hormonal of us all. The resident incubus, and we love him that way. Hands out free cookies.
- Junyi: SURPRISE BUTTSEX!
- Kodachi: Is terribly serious and dull. Probably best not to even bother.
- Komui: Suspected for incest, anal-rape of a white-haired boy, and the creation of Kanda Yuu's penis. After all, nobody really believes that Kanda was born with one right?
- Lady: Can't think of what to say here. Help her out and she will love you forever. ♥
- Lupin: While he has no pings, mentioning 'boobs' will magically make him appear.
- Momoko: Can usually be found drawing or cuddling with Makie or Boyue. Or posting mind-breaking pornography. One or the other.
- Near: Sarcastic, dirty-minded, and surprisingly direct, considering. Can often be found sexing up Mello, or, in Mello's absence, Chisame in her many incarnations. Warning: Bites.
- Neji: Is damn sexy. Love that ass, mang.
- Nishi: Allergic to breasts and hugs. Is just around to torture Ishida and Ari, and make off color comments, but don't worry, he probably hates you too. (If you're not Heine. ^__^)
- Obi-Wan: (a.k.a 'Obi-Wang'...thanks Sakura) Always rewindows to brain-breakage, calls Gojyo 'Mastah', but tops him.
- Renet: Will scare the hell out of you if you don't know which two characters she plays (and may even after that). Also tends to put the right comment under the wrong character's name. Has no pings because she can't figure out how to set them up. Shut up.
- Rey: *salutes*
- Rikuou: Holds some kinda unofficial record for most times walled in the main channel. Occasionally tries to wall back, but we all know he's nothing but topped. Participates in the almost hourly performances of Yami no Matsuei Theater as Tsuzuki. Has the nick 'Puppy' registered. Is pinged by not-lover SHUT UP, RUE.
- Rock_Lee: Speaks in ALL CAPS a lot (WITH THE SHIFT KEY, WHICH IS WAY MORE HARDCORE). Enjoys molesting Gwendal, Raito, and Wolfram; dot-dot-dotting; and the feeling that comes with randomly being opped even though he has no idea how to use IRC. WOMEN LOVE A MAN WITH POWER. Eye-wanging is his blockword.
- Rosalyn: Is a little overwhelmed by the chan, but is trying to get used to it. Gets walled a lot.
- Saya will put you in a dress.
- Shinn: Objects to not having been on this list originally. Fuckers. Miguel thinks Shinn is a retard. Shinn thinks Miguel is more of a retard. Miguel disagrees and can kick Shinn's ass anyday! ZAKU POWER. Shinn disagrees more and would like to point out that Miguel actually had a GINN. Miguel would like to add: MY GINN IS IN THE SHOP. Shinn would like to add: HAHA, DESTINY ISN'T. Athrun would like to add: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND LIFT THOSE ASSES ALREADY. Shinn would like to add: WHAT'S WITH THE BELATED NINJA EDIT, ATHRUN? Athrun would like to add: UKES AND CHILDREN FIRST. Shinn would like to add: MY IRC DATA SECTION IS BIGGER THAN YOURS, SO, BY THE LAW OF UKES, I TOP. :D Audience member jumps in and would like to say: GROW UP, and that the giant robot is actually spelt as GiNN. :) Rusty would like to add: HEY AUDIENCE, GET BACK UNDER THE TABLE AND KNOBBLE MY FANTASTIC WANG. YOU'LL LIKE THE WAY IT TASTES. I GUARENTEE IT. Athrun would like to add: HAHA, YOU MISSPELLED 'GUARANTEE'. D:
- SonGoku: Had to sing the alphabet out loud five times before finding the right place to put this thing. Is not Goku #1, but is, on special occasions, a super saiyan penis. Will come when pinged by moobs, Lurky_Audience, and power levels over nine thousand.
- Stan can too get ass, thank you very much.
Especially from Rosalyn.
- Fletcher Likes to frighten people by saying things that her character would ever, ever say.
- Suzuran sometimes turns into Emozilla. Once turned into SuperUltraMechaMegaEmozilla. Has the most horrifying brain ever. Will whore for druggies.
- Tobias has a tendency to lurk, and pop up and make some mightily strange comments at random times. Tobias also doesn't have any ping words. Ph33r.
- Tot has no thought or impulse control. Will ho for Nagi. Enjoys leaping at Rikuou in hopes that he will one day pursue her dream of using those giant CLAMP shoulders as a defensive lineman for, say, the New York Giants?
- Wes: Usually joins and forget that she's there. If she for once pays attention she fights with her keyboard, molests Russel and steals Fletcher. Owns an Ewok named Rey.
- Wolfram: Screams a lot. And flails. Has a torrid, ongoing affair with her shift key, who likes it hard. Is terrified of bunny rabbits. No, really. Yeah, you shut up. Can often be found being walled by Himejima,being hit shamelessly on by Gojyo/Lee/Raito/Gwendal/your-name-here, and dragging Yuuri off to the closet for alone time.
- Xiao: A TASTY FEMALE! :d
- Xingba: Likes Gongji's sammiches, stealing helpless Xiaos, and excessive heart emoticons. Also known for impersonating every Dynasty Warriors character there ever was in the channel.
- Yuusuke: Uses the shift key, thanks. Often spends most time subjecting or subjected to booty calls.
- Yzak: Frequently kills the channel from being too gay with Dearka. Yes there is a 'too gay', and they beat it. **She typos a lot, and is pinged by the word mpreg. (**Yzak would like to announce that he, in fact, is MALE. Thank you.) Also Yzak is the token channel bunny, and loves scaring the shit out of Wolfram by turning into BunnYzak and giving him hugs. Yzak enjoys the act of harassing lockers and/or Athrun Zala when things don't go his way.
- Everybody else: STOP BEING LAZY AND ADD YOURSELVES. *Miguel hides like WHOA*
Alternate Universe Sex
Whenever campers or counselors attempt to relieve their sexual tension, reality splits, flinging them into a new world in which they can sodomize (as is usually the case) to their hearts' content. Whether each sexual transgression creates its own AU or whether there is a single, shining Hentaiverse of pleasure and pain, no one knows.
What we do know, however, is that Itachi and Neji have created enough temporal anomalies to supply a season of Star Trek.
Apparently the AU was so powerful that it created a whole new
world AU. Funny, that.