Cameron Diaz

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Cameron Diaz

Cameron Diaz has one manhand and one womanhand.

Cameron Diaz[1] is an American actress, fashion model, stoner, a charming brainwashed robot, and professional wrestler for World Wrestling Entertainment. Diaz is perhaps best known for being the second whitest girl of Hispanic ethnicity in Hollywood.[2] She went on to star in The Mask, There's Something About Mary, Being John Malkovich, and voiced the character Princess Fiona in Shrek, but you probably know her best from starring in those two hideously lame Charlie's Angels movies way back when.[3] She is also the current WWE Intercontinental Champion.[4]

Early life

Diaz grew up in a fairly polluted area in Los Angeles County called Long Beach, aka The LBC, a place where most L.A. smog originates, and where you can meet hundreds of kids like Snoop Dogg wanting to get you stoned. She spent time idolizing the American television show Charlie's Angels, and promised herself that one day, she would grow up to star in a movie version of the television series, and win a pro wrestling belt in the same year. But first she had to wait around, and grow up to be hot.

High school

When high school came around, she started getting hot-looking. She would buy weed from Snoop Dogg, instead of licking butts for low wages and attending the prestigious Tina Fey School of Scriptwriting.[5] Mean girls who passed by to challenge Diaz were easy to plow through, considering she wore a men's size 12, and was always thinking about winning a World Wrestling Federation title.

In high school, Cameron's only friends in the world were her fellow students, rapper Snoop Dogg, an actress who seemed to resemble Sarah Michelle Gellar, a comedian who was barely Jimmy Fallon, a future bad talk show host like Carson Daly, and the second coming of Rosie O'Donnell. This group of fearsome students became known as the "Fearsome Sixsome" in high school, and they intimidated any and all people who got in their way. Skinny and weak as separate entities, they were an unstoppable force during that time.

Modeling career

At age 16, Cameron Diaz and her gang beat up a fat kid, like most young people do in gangs. The student's father, at first, demanded Cameron apologize to his little son, but upon seeing her and how hot-looking she was, changed his mind and insisted that she sign a one-year modeling contract to work for Elite Model Management as a settlement for beating up "Fatso." Cameron spent the next four years modeling in Japan and Europe until, of course, she would fall under "The Curse."

The Curse

At age 21, Cameron Diaz got the chance to meet Jim Carrey at a charity event. There, she got a little bit drunk, and was persuaded to hook up with Carrey. After this uneventful encounter, Diaz would develop a curse. Every night, between midnight and 6:00 am, she would grow gigantic, bulked-up, bulging muscles, transform into a green color, and turn into a monstrous-like creature. This creature, which referred to his/herself as "The Mask" would then go out on a night of rampaging through for its own amusement, often morphing into various slapstick cartoon characters from the 50's and 60's. As Diaz' acting career began to rise, she would have to take medication in order to limit the abilities that came with her unfortunate curse.

Some say, this violent, dangerous alter ego of hers also had a small influence over Diaz' mind, which would explain how she ended up in Shrek, The Green Hornet, and Bad Teacher.

The Cameron Diaz Robot Theory

Around 2008, two young men watched the film What Happens in Vegas. The film, starring Diaz and Ashton Kutcher, casts Diaz as a strict, uptight stock broker with a cool and witty Latina best friend.[6] After seven consecutive viewings of the film, these two men came up with a groundbreaking theory about Cameron Diaz's origins, and her quick rise to stardom via The Mask. It is known as The Cameron Diaz Robot Theory.[7]

The theory postulates that Cameron Diaz was born in the San Diego Zoo to Emilio Estevez and a nanny goat. The theory states that this is somewhat true,[8] but mostly false, and that Diaz was cryogenically created in a lab somewhere in Siberia by a scientist only known as Dr. X. It also states that she was created using a carbon-monoxide/helium agent that was solidified into a human being-like gelatin by means of freezing. Her reasons for becoming famous are stated in the theory as apocalyptic.

It is said that in the year 2525, Diaz will rise from her space coffin and use her rocket feet to fly down to Earth, or what remains of Earth, and use her nuclear laser vision to destroy all of humanity. This chilling theory was studied and researched to the point where it is known as fact rather than only a theory.[9]

Prominent Acting Career

By the late 90's, Cameron Diaz became a quickly rising actress, and was cast by The Farrelly Brothers as the female lead in her first mainstream movie, "There's Something About Mary," the story about how Jesus Christ gets laid. In the movie, Diaz symbolizes a parody of Jesus' mother, the Virgin Mary. "There's Something About Mary" made a total of $100 million at the box office and launched Diaz into superstardom. Later in 2000, Cameron realized her dream by actually starring in a film adaptation of Charlie's Angels.[10]

By now, Cameron Diaz was making big money and earned a Golden Globe for "Best Supporting Actress" for the movie Attack of the 50 Foot Woman, a film where she co-starred with Heather Graham. Diaz says how the role of Julia Grace, the evil fighter pilot in the film was her proudest acting role to date. Cameron followed up with the film, "Midnight Madness," where Diaz played a superheroine whose secret identity and split-personality just so happened to be an urban drug dealer. The 2001 comedy was a smash hit and a sequel was later made in 2002. She also appeared in 2 episodes of "Wendy Goes Dating", as Claire, the lesbian burglar. It was a complete flop worldwide.

In 2003, Cameron Diaz was signed on for the film "Ready 2 Rumble," where she co-starred with David Arquette. Also known as the "WWE Movie," Ready 2 Rumble was a film about the tough and gritty world of professional wrestling and sports entertainment. In the film, Diaz portrayed "Stephanie McMahon," a bitchy, but really hot woman who's father, Vince, was the CEO and Chairman of the entire pro wrestling/sports entertainment industry. The film, which grossed $48 million at the box office in April 2003, also starred David Arquette (John Cena), Rose McGowan (Lita), Robert DeNiro (Ric Flair), Al Pacino (Vince McMahon), LL Cool J (Triple H) and Jamie Foxx (MVP).

As part of a cross-promotional event, Diaz appeared on an episode of "WWE SmackDown!" in order to promote the movie. On the show, Cameron Diaz was challenged by the company's female champion and shows prominent heel, Torrie Wilson, and provoked into a steel cage match for the WWE Women's Championship. Everyone in attendance at Ford Field arena in Detroit had underestimated Diaz, thinking that she could not possibly win. However, it was a big secret that Cameron Diaz' uncle was an internationally famous wrestling promoter and trainer by the name of Armando Estrada. [11]

By the end of the night, Cameron Diaz had climbed out the cage to become the first Hollywood actress to become WWE Women's Champion. This event forced Stephanie McMahon, a star who was also General Manager of Smackdown! to reluctantly sign Diaz to a one-year contract with the WWE, as part of a trade-off to get The Rock out of his WWE contract.[12]

WWE Career

Women's Title Run

As part of the WWE, Diaz spent her days acting and moonlighted as a WWE Diva. She wound up getting in many feuds, including ones with Lita, Mighty Molly Holly and Trish Stratus.[13]

When her first PPV came around and Cameron realized that she'd have to perform live, this frightened her to no end as she was afraid people would find out about her "condition," live on television. Sure enough, at "WWE SummerSlam 2003," thousands of fans at Madison Square Garden witnessed her transformation into her wild, green alter ego. Thinking it was a wild stunt made up by the WWE, the fans accepted and cheered Diaz by the end of the night.

Going along with what the fans already thought to be their idea, the WWE wrote an entire storyline revolving around Diaz' green alter ego and Trish Stratus, which would last all throughout the fall of 2003, culminating at "Survivor Series 2003" where Cameron Diaz faced then-current champion Trish Stratus in a "Title vs Curse" match. Diaz won the match and became a two-time WWE Women's Champion.

The Mini Cameron Diaz

Outside of being a Sports Entertainer, Diaz was also an actress. But her "curse" and WWE Career kept her from getting many roles, and thus, Hollwyood created a mini-spawn version of herself born out of missed career opportunities that capitalized on Diaz' missed movie roles. This clone of Diaz' became known as Scarlett Johansson. Since being created, Diaz and Johansson hated each other for costing the other movie roles/wrestling matches. Since late 2006, the two have settled things and been on good terms.

Super Stardom Role

Because her dark clone and green alter ego prevented her from getting live acting roles, Cameron Diaz instead, auditioned for the role of an upcoming animated Dreamworks movie named "Shrek." Because the producers had loved her curse being similar to their character's, Diaz had received the role right away, which earned her $14 million. During the shooting for the film "Shrek," Diaz had lost her curse, forever.

This worried her, as she may not have been able to perform in the WWE. However, the role from "Shrek" lauched both of Cameron Diaz' careers into further stardom. She was offered the chance to reprise her character's role in "Charlie's Angels 2: Full Throttle" and in the WWE, she was offered a shot at the WWE Title at "Survivor Series"[14]

Heel Run on WWE RAW

Focusing on another shot for the WWE Title, Cameron Diaz went heel in the company, shockingly attacking her partner, Shawn Michaels, in a tag match against Eugene and Beth Phoenix. Meanwhile, this stunted her movie career even more, with her only appearing in "Shrek 2" and "The Holiday" in 2006.

For "Survivor Series 2006," Diaz had gotten another shot at the WWE Champion, John Cena, in a "No Disqualification" match. However, even with run-in interference from Jessica Alba, Drew Barrymore, Mark Hamill, Eva Mendes and Diaz' boyfriend, Justin Timberlake, Cena still made Diaz submit to a STFU, a shitty chokehold created by Torrie Wilson herself.

Injury and hiatus

At "WWE Royal Rumble 2007," Cameron Diaz injured herself while attempting to do a 480-Splash off the top turnbuckle to her rumble opponent, Beth Phoenix. After hitting her boobs into Beth's rock hard abs, her cleavage popped. In order to save her life, Beth performed CPR with the audience cheering the whole time. Cameron spent nine months out of wrestling, missing such events as "WrestleMania 23","Vengeance", "Judgment Day"and " ECW WWE One Night Stand."

Although Cameron was kayfabe injured, an excuse had to be created, so there was a press release that she was pregnant with Justin Timberlake's baby, named Anna Nicole Suri Apple Garfield Diaz-Timberlake. While supposedly pregnant, Cameron was able to do voice-over work on "Shrek the Third" in 2007.[15]

Cameron was expected to return to work in time for "WWE No Mercy 2007," where she resumed her feud with Beth Pheonix in January 2007.

Diaz

Also, Cameron Diaz.

Hip hop career

Before and while involved with Justin Timberlake, Diaz recorded a number of gangsta rap albums, inspired by the 'Queen of Rappin' White Chicks' Natalie Portman's SNL appearance. With the release of her 2004 album, "The Life and Times of Cameron D.," Diaz had gained moderate success with the album reaching Gold in its sixth week[16] Cameron followed up with a 2005 album, "It's Hard Out here for a White Chick" and a 2006 album, "Let's Get It," which featured Timberlake on several tracks. Burned out from the fame and corruption of the intense rap game, Diaz decided to take a rest in 2007, but promised to start recording her fourth album, "Fish and Spaghetti Dinners" in Fall 2007. The album has an expected May 2014 release date.

She has also hinted at plans of releasing an album which will "change the world." It will be heavily influenced by her favorite bands such as Metro Station, Rammstein and Justin Bieber. She plans to write, record and produce the whole album in the bathroom of her soul sister Drew Barrymore. It will be called "Me Moshing Out."

Footnotes

  1. Code name for "one hairy-ass chick" that will physically kick your ass
  2. with Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez being the first and third, respectively
  3. Because you're a dirty old fart in assisted living who wishes you could bang her harder than Justin Timberlake ever did
  4. Which also means she can kick your raggedy old ass all over the place as well
  5. With all the other mean girls trying to shave the hair off their cheeks.
  6. It is nothing short of amazing
  7. Abduction by alien life forms
  8. Diaz sometimes has the voice of a nanny goat
  9. Albert Einstein's ghost commented by saying, "the most revolutionary theory of modern times. Spectacular." Stephen Hawking wrote, "if Cameron Diaz isn't a robot then my theory on Singularities in Collapsing Stars and Expanding Universes is irrelevant."
  10. "It was my proudest moment, ever!" or this plateau could have ties to The Cameron Diaz Robot Theory
  11. Diaz was indeed, no stranger to "sports entertainment," but this does have slight connections to The Cameron Diaz Robot Theory
  12. So he could go on to make mediocre action movies
  13. Which needless to say, had Trish all in a tizzy. In fact, Trish was so angry and confused, she knocked out the referee in their women's title match and whacked Diaz with a steel chair. When the referee recovered, Trish covered Cameron to steal away the WWE Women's Championship from her
  14. Of course, she wound up losing to John Cena, just like all the others.
  15. Tabloids claimed that Diaz gave birth to her child on August 26th, 2007, live on-camera while at the "Teen Choice Awards 2007".
  16. Of course, nowadays, nothing under Platinum counts as a "success"
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