Camden, New Jersey
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Camden is a socialistic welfare community in New Jersey, and the largest "cost-center" east of the Mississippi. Because almost half of the residents live in poverty, Camden's inhabitants have realized the only way they have any hope of being successful in life is by adopting the ideals of Stalinist Communism. The majority of Camden's residents are Hispanic or Black. Camden is also one of the most dangerous cities in the United States. If you don't believe it, then just take a stroll through downtown Camden and count how many needles and stray bullets you find lining the city streets.
This grotesque and delapidated city lies across the Delaware River from Philadelphia, but I wouldn't advise going in the river since you'll come across a number of dead bodies on the Camden side.
In the early 20th century, Camden was actually not such a bad place, and was the home of major corporations such as RCA and Campbell Soup, but is now the huge mess it currently is because the last remaining conservatives fled for the more prosperous cities of South Jersey, or even North Philadelphia.
edit Success of the Democratic Party of Camden
Camden is one of the few parts of the United States without a Republican Party. Because of this, the Democratic Party is virtually guaranteed to win every election. A few particularly radical Democrats attempted to form the Communist Party of Camden, but were unsuccessful due to the FBI's aggressive suppression of communist activities. The Democratic Party now has complete control over the government due to its main competition, the Socialist Party of Camden, merging with the Democratic Party of Camden.
Even though Camden has a one party system, the city uses a rotation of four drug cartels and one crime boss to make it appear that there are actually elections.
The people of Camden are strongly democratic also, since most of them are Hispanic or Black. Some are even former Cubans who migrated from Cuba due to its communist nature, then migrated to Camden when they realized how great Communism really was and miss being in Cuba. Because of the strong presence of the Democratic Party, people rarely vote in elections, since in Camden, the elections vote for you. The percentage of people who vote in elections can be as low as 5% of the population. This has been established by the magnificent efforts of the local KGB, which ensures all citizens live in harmony.
Once in a while, someone tries to run as an Independent to question the authority of the Democratic Party. People who do this are usually never seen again, and are sent to Petty's Island to do slave work until they are devout
edit Eminent Domain
Eminent domain is known as imminent domain in Camden, since it is imminent that the city will purchase and bulldoze your building so it can build something even better there. Ironically, Camden bulldozes blocks of buildings even when there is empty space across the street. But just because there's nothing but trees across the street doesn't mean Camden should build there because if there were no more trees, where would the cute, little squirrels live?
Camden uses its power of imminent domain for many wonderful things, such as building more homes for all of the mayor's friends. Otherwise, where would the mayor's friends live if they had no homes? Other great uses of eminent domain are building parking lots to make sure shoppers have enough places to park their cars (cars are forbidden in Camden but police earn money from fining motorists for ownership of one) and building huge billboards that advertise for people to buy more real estate in Camden. The best thing about eminent domain is the property owner has no choice but to sell their building, which results in them receiving a fair market value of only 5% of their house's original value from the government.
Camden politicians have free will to use eminent domain, and even acquire a home or two just because they had a bad day at work. In their free time, Camden officials play a game in which there's a map of Camden on the wall, and employees throw darts at the map to decide which building gets acquired next. It doesn't take long for acquired buildings to be put to good use either. Bulldozers can arrive as early as a week after a building is purchased through eminent domain. Camden residents could go on vacation, and come back only to find a check for $1000 addressed to them where their home used to stand.
edit Corruption in Camden government
Recently, crackdowns of Camden's glorious government have raised suspicions of widespread corruption. But don't worry; there is no corruption to be found here. 
edit High crime rate
Camden has one of the highest crime rates in the United States, and is therefore considered one of the most dangerous cities in the U.S. This is a misleading statistic, though, since crimes go unnoticed in most other cities. Camden's police are some of the best in the world, and are able to arrest anyone found to be doing a crime. Camden's police can even arrest people not found to be doing a crime if they feel like it. In Camden, parking fines are frequently issued to motorists since it is a crime to own a car in the first place. Crimes in Camden range from the expected, like it being illegal to kill another person, to the unusual, like it being illegal to kill a fly, to the cruel, such as it being illegal to not be in bed by 7:00 at night. Camden's enlightened government makes it easy to pass a law on anything imaginable, and a citizen can pass any law they want if they get 50 signatures for it. This is harder than it sounds because only 5% of Camden residents can read and write, and only 5% of those who can read and write also own a pen. By the way, there's a law making it illegal to borrow someone else's pen with which to sign a petition. Pens are available for purchase at the (socialist) fair market value of $20.00 (checks to be made payable to City of Camden). Camden residents don't have jobs so they can't just bring home pens from work like everyone else. Homeless people often attempt to get arrested by the police, since they get a nice, warm stay in Riverfront State Prison. Riverfront State Prison is conveniently located on the Camden Waterfront, and offers tenants a beautiful riverside view. Meals are also carefully picked out, and include an FDA approved mixture of drugs designed to turn even the most rowdy and non-compliant inmates into devout Democrats by the end of two weeks. Arresting homeless people for random offenses has cut down significantly on the population of homeless people, since they can't be homeless if they're in a home. City leaders recently traveled to Detroit and Flint, Michigan in the hope of emulating those cities' recent successes in combating crime, hopelessness and citywide ignorance. Said one city leader who wished to remain anonymous "Man, Detroit gots it goin on."
edit A Trip to the Supermarket
Camden is known as the world's first "drug supermarket," where one can literally walk/drive through the "business district" (that should be the first clue) and get any amount of any illegal substance at low low prices, like an illicit Wal-Mart run by black and hispanic people rather than old white trash.
As of October 2008, the drug market prices are as follows: Weed (cannabis/marijuana)- $5 for a small baggy Wet (marijuana dipped in embalming fluid, no seriously)- $5 for a slightly larger baggy Dope (heroin)- $10 for a small baggy Crack (purified cocaine)* - $15 for a small rock
- Note: powder cocaine, like powder sugar, is too expensive for people in Camden. It is only sold in Hollywood, to Lindsay Lohan or Kate Moss
It is possible to go to this supermarket if you are white, however you'll have to be really crazy and probably already on drugs. Police will not arrest you if you are innocent. Typically, the black men sitting on their porches are selling weed, and the hispanics on the corners are selling dope or wet that they tell you is just weed. Shoes thrown over telephone wires indicates that there is a drug dealer on that street. Hence, most streets in the Camden business district have such shoes suspended over them.
There are a total of 80,005 residents in Camden. There are 5 housing units in Camden that aren't paid for by the federal government. 70,000 people live in housing units paid for by the federal government, which uses your hard-earned tax money. 10,000 people live in the state prison, which also uses your tax money. 35% of people are illegal immigrants, and are secretly hiding in various parts of Camden with the city government's wise knowledge. Only 3% of the city attended High School.
53% of people are black, 1% are white, and the rest are part of the Utopian race. By 2020, over 80% of people will be part of the Utopian race, and by 2040, everyone will be part of the Utopian race due to increasing trends of interracial dating. Those who aren't part of the Utopian race by then will be killed. 46% of people are Latino and 87% of them are foreign born. The other 37% were born in either California, Florida, or Puerto Rico, or are illegal immigrants in hiding. Only 5% of the population isn't Hispanic or black.
5% of the population makes over $12,000 per year, and 76% of families are in poverty. 95% of people are too poor to buy enough food without using government issued food stamps. 100% of all people are on Medicaid. Approximately 70% of females in the city are hookers.
edit Camden Waterfront
If you manage to drive past downtown Camden without being shot, you'll find many wonderful things to do here. The Camden Waterfront is located on the water, across from Philadelphia. I wouldn't recommend swimming in or drinking the water because of the dead bodies.
The battleship USS New Jersey is docked at the Camden Riverfront. The Socialist/Democrat party in Camden utilizes this veritable "floating fortress" as government headquarters, since only armor plating a foot thick and nine 16-inch guns that each fire the mass-equivalent of a Ford Aerostar can truly protect you in this city.
Campbell's Field is a baseball park located near the Ben Franklin Bridge. Camden's minor league baseball team plays here. The team wins the division every year because of the high amount of Hispanics playing for them. Every time someone hits a home run during a game, Campbell Soup provides every resident on welfare with a can of soup. This amounts to about 80,000 cans, but all of the money for the soup is subsidized by the federal government. Rutgers plays here too, but often with much less fanfare and welfare.
edit State-run services
The biggest employers in Camden are the government offices, inclusive of, but not limited to, the police force and the prison system. In fact, it is noteworthy that the field of "Corrections" dominates the city's economy, as almost everyone in Camden will have resided within the prison system by the time they are 21. The rest of the jobs, such as begging, panhandling, robbing, shooting, raping, and looting, are taken by the drug users and drug dealers.
Camden doesn't have any pubic schools, since the city can't get enough funds from the state government to pay for it, and cannot fund it itself because it has no actual taxpayers. As of today, the only schools in town are the gov't-run kiddie daycares in the homeless shelters or in front of the methadone clinics, and the state prison. Camden has recently received a $100 million grant to construct schools with, which it stupidly will do, and to which nobody will go. The money woould be better spent on expanding the state/county prison, which everybody in the city will use. To construct these schools, Camden has acquired more than enough property to build them on through "imminent domain" (see above).
Rutgers University has a campus in Camden, which is smaller than the main one in New Brunswick. Rutgers-Camden is allowed to teach students non-propaganda as long as it teaches plenty of propaganda as well. Rutgers-Camden is one of the few New Jersey colleges not to have nappy headed hos. 
Camden boasts one of the best healthcare systems in the nation, which is Camcare. Camden is one of the few major cities to have state-run healthcare. Even though Camcare is a private business, it has earned the endorsement of major politicians. Camcare was founded by city hero Wayne Bryant's brother, and is guaranteed to make a profit every year due to Wayne Bryant's government endorsement.  Camcare claims to be a non-profit organization. Camcare and the government have recently acquired three more blocks through eminent domain to build even more offices, and also a nice park for the squirrels to play at. Your home will soon be acquired through imminent domain too!
edit Public safety
Camden's police, who are great business to the dealers and each weigh an average of over 305 pounds, showing the dedication they each possess to protect the community. Camden's cops are also trained at the Academia Policia de Mexico, and therefore they are also all on the take - remember, if they weren't cops they'd be criminals. Because of Camden's wide array of random laws and relegations, Camden police can arrest anyone they want as long as they have a decent excuse, and even can arrest their co-workers for "disturbing the peace" if they get into an argument with them. Camden police are notorious for being lazy, and for making up reasons for arresting people when they can't make up a decent excuse. Police will arrest anyone speeding 1 mile over the speed limit, but won't arrest anyone who runs a red light right in from of police headquarters.
Camden also has a fire squad, not to be confused with its firing squad. Camden's fire squad consists entirely of dalmatians and illegal immigrants, due to the government passing a law making it illegal for people to be firefighters. A common firefighting technique involves offering people trapped in tall buildings a free puppy if they'll jump from the building, since most of the time the person dies and don't get to have their free puppy. Another common technique, usually used when cats are stuck in trees, is unleashing a pursuit team of dogs and illegal immigrants intended to scare the cat out of the tree, or if it still doesn't move, just eat the cat alive.
Camden also has state television channels, a state newspaper, and state radio station. The Democratic Party of Camden realizes the importance of media in spreading propaganda as rapidly as possible. In Camden, you have a choice of three television stations: Central Broadcasting Service (CBS), True News Television (TNT), and Beneficial Education Television (BET). Central Broadcasting Station is a parody of PBS. Its shows include Mister Castro's Neighborhood, Thomas the Tank and Friends, Barney Impostor and Friends, and its most successful, Sesame Fight Club. Its shows make fun of American ideals, such as how Barney Impostor is incredibly fat, and when he visits China, declares that everyone in China must learn English or the country will get nuked. True News Television is a news network that delivers totally factual and unbiased news, such as how Camden surpassed New York City in population to become the most populous city in the United States, and that Camden's baseball team won the World Series after sweeping the New York Yankees. Beneficial Education Television is a network to educate people about how wonderful Communism is, and to teach people how to be better Communists. Recently, to more accurately disseminate the socialist message, the Camden Democrat Party subsidized a layaway plan with Rent-A-Center, the town's busiest retailer, to provide all citizens with $3000 flat screen plasma TV's.
Anyone who doesn't get a job in other state-run services can apply for a job in the Camden militia, which is used by most people as a cheap way to get a gun. Camden's militia has 10,000 gun-wielding soldiers, and one Chinese guy who is really good at karate and doesn't speak English. Camden's militia has fought in many major world conflicts, such as the Football War and Yom Kippur War.
Camden's wise dictators have declared that Camden is officially atheist, but residents are allowed to practice a religion as long as they keep it a secret. Churches are allowed to be formed as long as they pretend to be something different, like a mental hospital or a drug store. This has allowed numerous Catholic Churches to be established, claiming they were really strip clubs, which allowed them to hold services and get away with raping little kids at the same time. The Church of Scientology, attracted by the numerous amount of poor people, founded its first church in Camden in 1953. Now, the Church of Scientology has 100 secret churches throughout Camden.
In a 2006 secret poll, 4% of Camden residents claimed to be Christian, 0.1% claimed to be Jewish, and 0.6% claimed to be secret Muslims, while 95.2% claimed to be Atheist in fear that the poll was not secret and the government would find out they actually worship a religion.
- The Delaware River was at one time a pristine waterway that had fish living in it.
- An East St. Louis city councilman was recently quoted as saying "East St. Louis is God's worst, never ending, vile, horrifying nightmare. But at least we ain't Camden" <insert rim shot>
Allmost every fact on this whole page is false.