Cambridge
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- Whoops! You may have failed to get into Oxford University! 'Filthy Tab...
“We've got ourselves a Cambridge up here in Canada too, eh?”
~ Mark the Frustrated Canadian on Cambridge
The town of Cambridge is situated at the heart of Fenlandia in Massachusettsshire, England. It is home to many fuckers that think they are better then everybody else, mainly found in the University of Cambridge. Now, we move onto the satire. The city takes its name from the Andy Cam, a former Engineering student at Queens' College. 6 miles outside of the town, he becomes known as Andy Ouse. The Bridge part of the city's name is a mystery. It is thought that, with some more money wasting, the true origins of Cambridge will be uncovered, once a massive battle between the People of Cambridge, Common Sense and the Council is over, the floating Trolley dressed in nothing but a pantaloon will reveal all.
Or it could simply be that, the name derives from the Cam river and a bridge that may have once crossed it. However, this clashes with the Council's common conception that the Ludicrous Moronicus, Roman god of fucktardery, built the guided bus to a random location and people loved it so much that they built a town here some 45 years ago, when the Council decided to build a load of shit. This was unpopular, and the Shite neighbourhood was re-branded as 'Kings Hedges' .
Contents |
[edit] Demographics
During the last census, Cambridge was found to be home to approximately 70,000 students, 40,000 tourists, 25,000 hippies, 10,000 nerds, 1,500 punt touts, 964 homeless people (ironically), 73 black squirrels, four purple swans, a kitten and a partridge in a pear tree. Unsurprisingly, it returns a Liberal Democrat MP.
Students make up the majority of the Cambridge population; as a result, if insufficient tourists were to visit Cambridge during the periods when students were home for the holidays, the entire town would rise half an inch from the fens.
Some 99.99% of the Population hate the Council. Some 45% of the Council are recycled Shopping trolleys. Small world, eh?
Also, around 50% of Cantabrigidygoolians have smoked some sort of weed in their lives. Even smaller world, eh?
No, run along, little Jimmy-snatcher
[edit] Habits of the population
[edit] Non-residents
Consisting mainly of tourists, the habits of these people include, standing in the way of, well, everything, buying far too many Theodore bears from the British Teddy Bear Shop on Kings Parade, and being annoying. This causes them to be lured into 'punts' unaware of the doom they face. This is why dying is common among tourists. The student punters who 'punt' for them actually rob them, then drown them, and dump the bodies somewhere near Milton, which is the real reason for the stench.
[edit] Students
Not much is known about the habits of students, as they are never seen during the day. It is thought they move around slowly in slippers and dressing gowns toasting muffins, smoking pipes, and manualy achieving orgasm. This has in fact been proven to be the case for History of Art, Classics, and Land Economy students. However, the consequences of their habits can be seen all over the city. Trolleys are found in the river, where the occasional trolley escapes, and goes on a rampage, killing various people before morphing into a Cambridge Councillor. Some 45% of Cambridge Councillors are ex-trolleys.
Also, needles can be found almost everywhere in the city, however global warming has reduced this number, due to homosexuality (Damn those gays. They stole moustaches... and tight leather clothing... I mean come on, that was SO GOD DAMN MANLY). The smell of marijuana is common in most mornings, however no one minds, and in the name of Kurt Cobain, students shoot themselves.
[edit] Chavs
The Native population of Chavs in Cambridge, who are mainly pregnant and drugged up morons, simply mope around, occasionally mugging people. After mugging people, some robbing is commonly practiced. Then some debautery occurs. We can't tell what happens after because all sources have been murdered before anything else happened.
However, everyone around Cambridge can hear and see the boy racers driving around. Most people want to shoot them, but all the students have stolen the guns, so instead they moan to the Council, who then go to committee. The most usual reaction is simply build The Grand Arcade, or waste money.
[edit] Residents
Seeing as the residents don't like Cambridge, the common practice is to try and escape, but most of the time this fails to the prevalence of council housing around the ways out of the city, so most of them pretend to be tourists. However, they don't stand in the way, and generally asplode when questioned by the Thought Police. Some Jews have been known to live in Cambridge. But, who cares? Certainly not me. Why you ask? Because ROFL MAO wants all your base. It has been noted for the occasional Cambridge toss-pot to escape to the far superior Sheffield and try to fit in with the locals. unfortunatley they just get teased about their daft accent, and wierd Jeremy Clarkson style hair!!
Bweeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
[edit] Teens
There are many teens in Cambridge. There are pathetic, lowly excuses of oiks known as chavs. They're hated by Ever-ry-one. Then there are a load of tottering Perse and Leys boys who titter-totter around the town all day and are quite humuorous. They all have wavy dark blonde hair, blue or green eyes. They only ever wear Fred Perry or Jack Wills and are all called Harvey, Jack, Desmond or, for the women, Madeline, Felicity or Persephone. THEN, (bored already? well, you bloody shouldn't be, you festering wallop) there is middle class Cambridge. The guys spend their time doing weed and wasting there lives, much like a Beat Generation novel, plus making me miserable and turning me into a melancholic blob. The girls are all state-educated, and like a good 'Faaaag' and a nice party or two. Ever since clubbing hit Cambridge... well, let me tell you something.
Or not.
Get the hell out of here.
[edit] The Grand Arcade
Built in 1066 by the Arcadians, the Grand Arcade of Cambridge is a vicious place of murderous, Gladiator-esque combat, where fat, insecure teenage girls fight each other to get the latest, most renowned, 'Crap Dress' from Shatshop, formerly Topshop. (They invented a new line for cheap shit, to attract more mongrels... I mean Arbury housewives to their fine shop) next to some shop owned by some paedo.
The horrific battles involve mainly chav girls, as normal, sensible middle class girls are too busy in the toilets, either putting on even more make-up, or throwing up, all part of their manic vanity.
The Grand Arcade is a wonderful place for entertainment. One can stand above Costa Coffee, and drop things on pathetic twats who drink their shit coffee. One can spit at people two floors below. One can shop, but there is not much point, as the Arbury folk who loiter nearby will almost certainly steal all possessions. The bus stop outside is a clear display of wasting space. The stench of diesel fumes wafts through occasionally, suffocating random fat people. This is why the nearby Burger King closed down god knows when, because they anticipated a loss in customers once the Grand Arcade was completed.
Heralded as an architectural masterpiece, the uninteresting lines and.... squares... ¬¬.. of the Grand Arcade fit it perfectly with local Emmanuelle College, a Regency-Jacobean complex, and the local 100-300 year old buildings along it's facade. It is so inconspicuous only dead people do not notice it. Sadly no-one has painted a large Y on the front window of Ted Baker to complete the big-lettered word.
[edit] City Centre
[edit] The Grafton Centre
Named after some guy, this edifice was built in the 1990s. It dated almost six centuries before construction. It's most common customers were once middle class, leafy Cambridge suburbans. Now, however, it mainly serves the Arbury and Shite (Excuse me, 'Kings Hedges') crowd. This is why its symbol is a kite, as this is what the Grafton Centre would rather be, so it can happily fly away from all the chavs, and begin mating with the Grand Arcade, creating the Grand Grafton Arcade Centre Multiplex 9 Screen 700 shop Megamix Mall of Supermassive-huge-gigantic stuff, or just GGAC, or G-GAC.... or even Gay-GAC..... heck anything just to get away from Arbury.
The shops are: A stranded British Home Stores, Some burger bar, the View cinema. (Re-spelt to vue so chavs think what it could mean while their are sterilized), various other crap. A stranded Debenhams also resides there. There was once even a bookshop (!) there, but due to some many burnings of the cashiers by Arbury-folk for being 'gays' they were shamefully murdered. It is now the venerable Poundland, serving chavs products of gloryfically low prices. There was even a Virgin shop. However, when the entire Virgin brand was dropped to due horny chavs approaching the store and trying to remove this supposed 'virgin-it-eee', they were quickly shot and their corpses were burnt off (and for Yanks, 'of') the front of the shops, and hence Zavvi was born, and now thats gone as well... daym.
[edit] Parking
Like many cities across the world, Cambridge has parking facilities. However unlike these cities, it is not ample, cheap, or in anyway practical. Seeing as cars are an evil life sucking satanic demonized homosexual contraption, they must be highly un-couraged in Cambridge. To enact this, the Council have decided to put parking rates to around £4billion an hour, or around nine virigins for a whole day. Recently, Shona F. Johnson spoke to Mother Theresa about buses: 'One can take the lovely bus, instead of that evil Prius you just bought... I mean, come along now, get all your heavy shopping on that bus! So what, you have a new dining table to take home, GET ON THE FUCKING BUS, MOTHERFUCKING ASS-WIPE' After this, she robbed the poor woman, and beat her to death.
[edit] Traffic 'Calming'
When a fly hit someone's windscreen when they were on Trinity Street in 1989, it was clear that many pedestrians were also at risk of being viciously knocked down by motorists. So, in the early 1990s, the Cunty (Whoops I mean, County) Council decided that the centre of Cambridge must be paved over with pavements and traffic forbidden to go there. This did wonders for traffic in the centre of the city. By forcing it to go on narrow streets around the centre and causing even more congestion elsewhere in the city, the Council has succeeded at something! But alas, the morons forgot, diverting the problem doesn't fix it... So to divert people's attention away from what moronic brainless bullshitters they were (more likely still are), they decided to build the Guided Bus, an exciting contraption... isn't it? After a while, however, this pissed more people off... Although the Council thought they had done a splendid job, and rewarded themselves with some nice pay-rises, Mercedes and a massive load of budget cuts to the NHS.... well, fuck them, they did a good job. Traffic is still awful in Cambridge. The Council plan to combat this with a Congestion Charge. After an overwhelming decision by the Council to ignore everyone who said it was a waste of millions of pounds, they decided to go ahead with it. My my there are a load of free-loading ass-licking mo-foking snivelling mongrels aren't they?
[edit] Pineapple?
If you ever have the urge to find some large pineapple chunks, and are in and around the centre of Cambridge, this is what to do. Head into Cafe Carrington's (opposite Borders), walk straight through the cafe and find a door marked emergency exit. Head through this door, and up the stairs, through another door and up more stairs. This will bring you to a room filled with cans of pineapple chunks, and a handy kitchen. Don't be put off by the large signs saying Private - its a miss translation by one of the local Polish staff. A picture of someone eating pineapple chunks in this room would be welcome on this page.
[edit] Transportation
[edit] Punting
Punting is the most common mode of transport in Cambridge, due to the rivers of toxic waste which encircle the city centre. A survey in 2002 revealed that approximately 40 percent of Cambridge residents punt to work every day, and over 75 percent own one or more punt poles. It is also regularly forgotten, except by the most sharp-witted american tourists that oxford is indeed just on the other side of the river.
This popularity is largely due to the actions of punt touts aka 'Punt Pimps'. The punt tout is a close relative of the common grue. Originally native to the fens, in recent years they have taken to prowling the riverside, abducting any stranger who walks by and forcing them onto a punt. Like Jack the Ripper, their preferred prey is the Chinese tourist. Unlike Jack the Ripper, the punt tout can easily be avoided by simply crossing the road, shouting "do I look like a tourist". Knocking off their straw boaters can also have the desired effect. Since Dr P.W. Anthropologist has theorised that the boater performs some kind of sexual function, this may be akin to castration.
The popularity of punting in Cambridge has spawned a neologism, "Punting from the Cambridge end". Originally this referred to a polesman maneuvering a flat-bottomed craft from the stern rather than the bow; these days the phrase is more often encountered as a sexual euphemism.This is the greatest part of Cambridge.
[edit] Cycling
Cambridge is the chief breeding ground for bicycles (Ralleius Oleagini) in the Western Uppersphere. Once a year, supposedly in some sort of freaky, horrifying metamorphosis, Cambridge consumes 600,000 bicycles (and this figure is predicted to increase as average temperatures rise). This is known as matriculation. also many fuckers in cambridge love to bike every where like the chineses and other students
Bicycles start their life in the River Cam, are dredged up by the Cam Conservators once a year and make their way to Mike's Bikes where they are rented to the tourists for £300 a week. Over time they make their way to Mitchams corner whereupon being left unattended for more than a second or two, a parasitic Pikey steals them and returns them to Arbury to breed. Once in Arbury, the bikes seek out a suitable mate, are subsequently sold back to students (normally in exchange for drugs), and then return to the River Cam via the aforementioned matriculation to breed. Thus the Circle of Life continues.
[edit] Air
Cambridge also has an airport, although since the runway is too short for use by any sensibly sized aircraft, this facility is rarely used. A weekly tiger-moth service commutes to Oxford. Recently, as part of Shona Fuckface's Plan of Moronification of the Trafficational Stupidity of Declareinating Fordinapolyosis, this vital part of Cambridge's infrastructure is going to be converted to a housing estate. Naturally, the local populace sees no reason for this, and has petitioned it. So, of course, Shona has ignored everyone again. It is now however going to linger around for a while. They may extend the runway. Hopefully over Shona Fuckface, ending the Fucktard Party rule.
[edit] The Guided Bus
This was invented by the council some years ago, as they had some money left over and had to find something to waste it on, because Chavs from Arrrbury were coming for them. Commonly hated by everybody, it is a clear success. Shona Fuckface Johnson, Head of Wasting Time and Money for Cambridge, denied the truth, and in doing so is now a giant walking pantaloon, which is on fire, to demonstrate the uber-ocity of 'liar, liar pants on fire'
Since the guided busway was constructed, Shona has since been murdered by a passing flock of locals. When interviewed, all they had to say was simply 'ooo arrrr', as spoken in Fenlandia.
No-one has or ever will use it, because it hasn't been finished yet. It is currently being extended to somewhere in the region of Delta Pavonis, where the Fuck-face family has a secret hideout to keep their Fucked-faces secure.
Originally costing 10 bunny-wabbits, the busway now costs somewhere in the region of £13,336,356,234,898,234,567,895,699... a lot This figure was confirmed by Ruth Smelly, another expert on complete crap, including braindeadery, bullshitting everyone, and being a fucking annoying buckakas. She claimed it was a benefit for Cambridge, despite living in Londonland, a place in the 97th Dimension, or just down the M11, junction 6007.
Basically, it goes from Huntingdon down to cambridge. It's route passes through, well.... fields really. Sheep and Norfolkers are thought to be the main customers, because they like to look at shiny things that clever Cambridge city people use. Ruth Smelly and Shona Fuckface are thought to be the main customers, by forcing everyone to use it through using their stupidly high Council Tax.
[edit] Famous Landmarks
[edit] Pubs
Cambridge is famous for its pubs. It boasts over 3,000,000 of them, including the White Swan (affectionately known to regulars as the Shite One or What Swine), the Spooned Eagle and the Devonshire Arms. In a bout of typical British sameness, they're all owned by the same company and are thus effectively identical inside. Plans to merge all pubs into 1 megapub are currently under consideration. With Shona sticking her fat corrupted arse into things however, the whole plan collapsed. The Avery pub is famous as it is the only pub in Cambridge to have had all of its contents nailed to the floor to reduce its nightly glassing rates. The amount of nails used necessitated the construction of the Mathematical Bridge.
[edit] The Mathematical Bridge
The Mathematical Bridge was designed by the famous mathematician Jean-Paul Sartre in 1785. As its name implies, the bridge is constructed entirely, although not exclusively, from raw mathematics. It's drastic appearance consumes the attention of Americans for ever. Some 14,000,000 of them are trapped in a constant gaze, trying to work out how it fits together. It magically contains no nails. It is a glory to Cambridge, and as such, all residents are banned from using it. Well done Queens College, well done.
[edit] The Lego Bridge
An even greater mystery than the Mathematical Bridge, is Cambridge's famous Lego Bridge. Various people have seriously injured themselves on this random bridge. I don't even know why the hell it's here, as a matter of fact I do. It was left here by Heraum von Lego in 1912, and later put together by Byron and Coleridge one night in 1964 when they were both out of their heads on drugs.
[edit] Arbury
This area, built by accident by God in the 1950s as part of his socialist phase (or at least thats what the Bible says. He was actually out of his head on crack and Mary Magdalene had given him head), is a common landmark for tourists. Foreign people, unburdened by the chav horde invasion on 1999, come to witness the wild herds and packs of Chav and Pikey as they prey mercilessly on each other, and as they stalk and intimidate middle-class mothers, who, as being Volvo estate drivers, have come off Arbury or Gilbert Road, and, much to the tourists pleasure, their children are dragged out of the cars screaming, and inhaled by the typical chav mum. The mothers them selves are then beaten for being a 'boffin/ someone with basic intelligence' and thence robbed.
A popular attraction, some 10% of Uberzekistan actually live on the tour buses. A new syndrome, known as Arbury syndrome, is the syndrome which tourists suffer after leaving the area. It occurs after the relief after leaving the area -alive-, as some 34.3489764029567% of tourists are eaten by hungry pregnant chavettes. Symptoms include getting a job, working for the good of the country, and getting of your FAT LAZY ARSE! yes, yes I am talking about that Sky-sports watching, 'Stella'-drinking, wife-beating heap of lard on a sofa he stole from an old woman in the 90s called Ricky McChav. Anyway, I digress. (And rightfully so)
Some 34,839,475 (figure provided by the Fuckface Foundation) stolen cars are hidden in various places across Arbury. Kingsway flats actually consists of 10% Latvian, 12% Tacky, shitty, cheap, ugly, illegally imported, stolen furnishings and 78% Stolen French cars.
The Architecture of the area is reminiscent of Soviet Russia, but no-one minds because only poor people of the Greater Kings Hedges Ghetto live there, so they should count themselves lucky, really...
[edit] The Wren Library
This is probably the most amazing building in Cambridge. Built by Christopher Wren in 1677, it was the last building in the world built from the top down. This is because Wren was great friends with Issaac Newton, and a week after the building was finished, he discovered gravity, carefully preventing any such building ever again. It is also the secret home of Winnie the Poo himself.
[edit] The University
A fine institution.... MUCH MUCH better than Oxford University.
Cambridge university is a spectacular, non self-righteous, no where near it's own cash pumped arse collection of colleges.. An for you Yanky-woo-woos, no, it doesn't have a fucking campus, okay bitch? You ask why? Because it isn't some Redneck hell hole started by some gay homophobe in Iowa in a town called Fannypump in 1988, it is a splendid display of British eccentricity, dating back to around 12,000 BC, about the time God pretended to make the universe.
[edit] The Grand National
Now, you may be thinking this is the one from Newmarket, no? Well you're so god-damn wrong, bitch. It is infact, a road in Cambridge so hideously morphed by road calming that any car which happens to drive down it will self destruct, to save itself. When the road, nice and simply, was built during the sensibility era of the 1940s, it was plain and bare, like a road should be. However, in 1989, a stray trolley rolled down the road at 30.0000001 mph. Shona F. Johnson, while beating a small child with a bag of taxpayers coins, noticed, and the road became a 'deathtrap'. So subsequently, the road is now covered with speed bumps. It's awfully fun to drive over, particularly in an American car, for it's lack of normal suspension remedies the perfect simulation of interracial sex.
[edit] Jesus Green
Jesus Green, known affectionately as "J. Green" to pensioners, is a splendid park in the centre of Cambridge. Owned, mowed and run by Jesus College. A moat run on one side, and on another the river Cam. Sometimes cows are put on the competing Midsummer Common. This grabs the attention of the ignorant masses (Americans and Paris Hilton) because they can't grasp the sight of cows in the middle of a city. Well open your fuckin' eyes, mo-fo's. There's piss all to do on Jesus Green. An ice cream parlour does some shit (it's really a mega-brothel). The toilets are good for a cruise or two. Or maybe for emo's who want to get Hepatitis/Herpes, who can fuck one of the tramps outside them, and consequentially dying, fulfilling the emo prophecy. One can get all fucked on weed. This is why it is called J- GREEN. Not because it is the green of Jesus, dumbo. Generally students (Primary, Secondary, Sixth Form... by University it's all Heroin) like to float on over to the ol' jayster and smoke some ganjaaaaaa and try to act like Jamaicans. They're pathetic twats, but still..... I'm gone shup bout dis, riiight? Cos liek, i is gone get beat up cos of dis, maaaaan.
[edit] The Travellers Site
Cambridge was originally built next to the large pikey site thought to be established in 34697BC as the final settlement place of the army of the Genghis Khan. The present population of the site has degraded mentally and physically and mainly engages in shooting tourists with air guns and attempting to un-prove the theory of relativity by driving through the Grand National at the speed of light. They have also been known to successfully cross-breed with the Chavs of Arbury.
The site has applied to the UN to be recognised as a sovereign state in 1765 but the application was rejected and it has been operating illegaly ever since. The main economic activity appears to be drug dealing, trade with Basingrad, and racketeering at Midsummer Common fairs. Proceeds of this activity are believed to be laundered on the Science Park which according to leading economists is an AIM-listed Ponzi scheme.
[edit] Famous Cambridge Personalities
[edit] Stephen Hawking
The famous philosopher Stephen Hawking is regularly spotted cruising the red light districts of Cambridge in his souped-up cybernetic wheelchair. He is perhaps best known for his invention of the universe, although he has also gained fame in recent years for running over my cat.
Hawking was born in the Harvard Medical School's Mount Auburn hospital and spent the first years of his life living with his parents in Fitzroy Street just off Highway 401. He joined Cambridge University in 1933 and has never visited the place since.
He is the only member of the Cambridge population to own his own space shuttle although he is reported to be considering selling it due to rising taxes on non-fuel-efficient vehicles.
[edit] That guy who cycles round with a stereo playing music hanging in a bag from his handlebars
Known locally as Radio man. I think his name might be Terrence. He is the mayor incumbent of Cambridge. His whiff of alcohol and stuff the grandchildren don't know about embiggens the best non grammatical nonsense. Why yes, indeed.
[edit] Allan Brigham - Street Sweeper
Allan is a regular feature to be spotted round Cambridge, as his award-winning sweeping skills testify. He can clear the rubbish from 950m of pavement in just 0.65 seconds. He also works as a tour guide at night, taking unwitting tourists on epic treks across the roofs of King's College Chapel and the Senate House. Due to his rapid refuse collection abilities, he has ample time to spend on his Pannini sticker albums. He has complete collections for the entire Premiership, but if anyone has Andrej Kanchelskis from the 1992-3 season, then Allan would very much like to hear from you on (01223) ALLAN-B (255262).
Allan has recently been awarded a honourary degree from Cambridge University. This has caused many Americans to now form many more ignorant racist prejudices of Britain, thinking that we (the respectable English-speakers) think that street sweepers are in the highest realms of society. Well... all I can say to that is, YOU Sir, are a complete DULLARD. Good day to you, fatty yankee-doodle.
[edit] Shona Fuckface Johnson
Shona is hated by almost everyone is Cambridge. She can be seen prowling the streets at night, preying on innocent middle class people and mugging them for their money. She commonly goes around randomly thinking up completely useless crap ideas with which to waste this money. A complete bitch, she ignores all protests, claims it's all for the benefit of Cambridge, throws some money in the drain, then drives some Jaguar back to her house in Duxford. A complete show of stupidity, she is in fact a great figure to laugh about and at.
If you see her, please feel free to kill her. Cambridge will instantly be free from manic fucktardery, and will probably become an academic centre of the world again. Be careful though, she may use her 'Fuck everything up' and 'Pump masses of money at it' attacks on you, so be very cautious when approaching her. She may infect you.
 | This article is likely to be eaten by a punt tout. I suggest you cross the road or tell it you live here before it eats you too. |
