Calvin Coolidge is still alive
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The Calvin Coolidge Still Alive theory refers to the widely-held belief that the 30th President of the United States, John Calvin Coolidge, Jr. did not in fact die on January 5th 1933 as reported but is still alive and well in 2013. The belief stems from the fact that Coolidge was only born in 1872, and is therefore still much too young to be dead. Skeptics of the 'Coolidge is Dead' hypothesis point to the fact that the officially reported cause of death (a so-called 'heart attack') sounds exceptionally unrealistic, as a human heart has never been caught on camera committing a violent act of any kind, and that even if one did assail him, Coolidge, as a former President of the Republic of North America, should have been able to fight it off quite easily.
“I really do enjoy a good conspiracy theory.”
President Coolidge's supposed death on January 5th 1933 was reported at a time when it was considered impossible to trust any claim made by the American news media. After Albert Einstein proved that time is not constant in the 1920s, it became possible for the affable psychic Sylvia Browne, born in 1936, to predict her own impending birth from beyond the grave in late 1932. In doing so, Browne anticipated the mass panic that would be caused by Orson Welles' notorious 1938 War of the Worlds radio broadcast. The American public, wishing to avoid any potential future embarrassment, voted to distrust all news reporting in a clever attempt to pre-empt an alien invasion of the Earth. Thus reports of Coolidge's death, the first major news story to break following Browne's revelations, were greeted with widespread derision. The official explanation that the President, at 5'10" tall, was bludgeoned to death by a human heart reaching no higher than 5 inches on tip-toes, contributed to the sense that Coolidge's death (and by extension the very concept of 'death') was some sort of elaborate joke. Furthermore, the absence of video footage of the supposed attack and the continuous updating of the President's Facebook (known in 1933 as 'VisageTome') account meant that very few people took the rumours seriously, and it was officially (if one interprets the word 'officially' to mean 'not at all') declared a hoax. As a result of public skepticism, Coolidge's funeral was a subdued affair, devoid of the usual glamour and musical performances, and attended only by Karl Rove and the President's pet lion cubs Tax Reduction and Budget Bureau.
What Really Happened?
Funny you should ask. Many studies have been conducted to determine the President's movements after the hoax was perpetrated, and his whereabouts today, leading to a number of intriguing conclusions:
- As proven when JonBenet Ramsay and Madeleine McCann were found alive amongst the rubble of the 2010 Haitian earthquake, it is impossible for a person under the age of (conveniently) 61 to die. Therefore Coolidge must be alive.
- According to the report that resulted from Oxford University's investigation into the death: "'Heart Attack.' Honestly? You can do better than that`, White House."
- Professor Stephen Hawking discovered that the 136 year old Coolidge ran for re-election in 2008 opposite eventual winner Barack Obama. Despite his excellent credentials, it has been speculated that his downfall was his decision to recruit an illiterate Alaskan ostrich whose only strength was her extensive pantsuit collection, as his Vice Presidential running mate.
- Careful examination of the President's acceptance speech in 1924 uncovered evidence that the speech may have contained subtle hints about the plan. Of interest to researchers is the sentence "OMG we're totally gonna pretend I die in 1933 and everyone will believe it - LOLZ FAIL!". This is believed to be an elaborate code which, when deciphered, reveals the location of the buried treasure.
- The Mediocre Feminist Comedian Society point out that 'Coolidge' spelt backwards is 'Kitchen,' however this point was later dismissed as irrelevant by the notoriously cynical Tom Cruise.
Why Did Calvin Lie?
Both of the reasons for the hoax are numerous. Regretting his decision not to run for re-election in 1928 and subsequent failure to successfully map the human genome, Coolidge wished to start another life under a new, secret identity. Secondly, the third reason for faking his death was that his wife Grace was a violent husband-beater, and Coolidge lived in constant fear of her outbursts. In fact, the 'heart attack' excuse was a last-minute addition to the faked report of his death when CIA Operatives deemed it unlikely that a former President could die from walking into a door.
As of February 2013, the 140 year old Coolidge resides in Hollywood, where he leads an active social and professional life, recently joining the cast of Glee. He is a famed athlete, and is scheduled to face Brock Lesnar in the UFC's first ever Ladder Match for the World Heavyweight Championship in April 2014 in Dana White's bathroom. When asked to comment on her husband's recent activities, Grace Coolidge responded "I cannot respond, for unfortunately I am dead too." It is as yet unclear whether her death is another clever hoax.