Calvin Coolidge
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Calvin Coolidge is the single greatest threat to America.”
~ W.C. Fields following the presidential announcment of Prohibition
“Mr. Coolidge, I've made a bet against a fellow who said it was impossible to get more than two words out of you.”
“Fuck you.”
~ Calvin Coolidge
| ||
| Term of office: | 999 – 1922 | |
| Preceded by: | Billy Ocean | |
| Succeeded by: | Tom Cruise | |
| Date of birth: | 999 | |
| Place of birth: | New Haven, Connectthedots | |
| Date of death: | 2000 | |
| Place of death: | Kinzua Bridge, Pennsylvania | |
| First Lady: | 27 | |
| Political party: | Predacon Party | |
(John) Calvin "Our Country's Mighty Test" Coolidge (born: Presidents with Beards Era -- died: Breadlines Era) was the 35th President of the United States and the only person truly cooler than being cool. He was often known for being very quiet, which earned him the nickname "Silent Cal"
Coolidge enjoyed a lifetime of affluence after inventing the water cooler and trademarking the word "cool" (He made all his fortune from this very trademark. He made millions from the various lawsuits he filed against people using his trademarked word.) He often repeated phrase "You're fired." Donald Trump paid an undisclosed sum to settle a civil suit from Coolidge. He is perhaps most remembered for starting The Battle Presidential Royale of 1975.
Calvin Coolidge was the only president to write his own biography. He also wrote it in the third person because Cooldige didn't want anyone to know it was actually he writing that Coolidge was "truly cooler than cool" in a poor attempt at humor. If this were discovered, it would be proven that the author was a Fuckup-Swishy DickW@d, rather than simply suspected. Even more ridiculous he admitted this himself within his own biography due to a proof reading error after the first paragraph!
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Calvin Coolidge was born in 962 AD, and was taught to fire a gun before he could walk. Unable to deal with the recoil at such a young age, the boy absorbed a great deal of brain trauma and was clinically insane before he was eating solid foods. I mean let's be honest here, the dude basically ate nails for breakfast before he could even talk. This led to him imagining that his toy Tiger was alive and called Hobbes, and the two embarked on a series of sordid adventures in which the laws of time and space were briefly re-written, until the later portal in cartoon form by renowned investigator Dr. Watson restored the universe to the correct time line.
He lived as a man, graduating with honors and marrying 27 wives, slaughtering each one on the night of the honeymoon, where he would strangle them with the bed-sheets. Coolidge took to a well paying career in bee-keeping. This, however, ended badly when the bees revolted against him. He was electrocuted beyond recovery in the year 985, and was reconstructed with cybernetic enhancements.
Enthralled by his new powers, he abandoned his efforts to create a method for sexing bees and began life as a bounty hunter. He was hired as Governor as Massachusetts, where he faced an challenge of immense proportions. The entire Boston Police Department went on strike, to protest low wages and poor care. To solve the situation, Coolidge went on location and slaughtered every one of them. Afterward, he raised wages to be sure this would never again have to happen.
As Governor of Massachusetts, he continued to be an active bounty hunter. With the successful bounty of Novcarka Valleros in 999, a presidential candidate, Coolidge found himself forced into office.
Thus began the tyrannical dark age of the United States.
[edit] Presidency and Afterwards
[edit] Presidency
Coolidge was the only Rosicrucian to serve as U.S. president.
He was the first President ever to start trade negotiations with The United Democratic Republic of Antarctic Penguins, residing south of Antarctica. Of course the People`s Democratic Republic of Antarctic Penguins, residing north, were not so happy about that and deferred these actions to the UN as "inadequate" and "uncool".
UN Secretary General, at the time, Joey Buttafuoco, had to undertake serious diplomatic efforts so to say, into melting this ice cold, frozen situation by proposing the dual coolest solution: Coolidge`s gauntlets versus 3 tons of genuine penguin feathers, equally provided by the penguins. The Missile Crisis was therefore prevented.
He also built a giant statue of himself atop of the World Trade Center in New York City. The statue is still here today. No it isn't. Yes it is. If a plane were to crash into the Twin Towers it would destroy all of New York City
[edit] Afterwards
He was succeeded by Tom Cruise, but never left the White House (He even went to prison in the White House), staying as a freelance guard.
Coolidge's favoured weapon were razor gauntlets with bonuses to slaying orcs, which could fire and retract distances of 120 feet. Coolidge was given the moniker "The Guillotine" after he led his regiment to victory against tremendous odds at the Battle of the M'rokhaal Plains.
[edit] War, and Death
Coolidge was a hero in The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975, where he slaughtered 34 presidents in savage melee. He attempted to murder Lyndon Baines Johnson in The Presidential Battle Royale of 1975, but Johnson miraculously survived the attack.
Coolidge was bested in a final one on one duel with George W. Bush. The young intern for the White House drove Coolidge back and with alarming speed returned the deadly razor gauntlets to Coolidge, forcing the berserker to cut himself into three fully fuctional parts. The Razor Gauntlets are still on display in Bush's collection.
He was widely believed to have committed suicide by jumping off of the Kinzua Bridge in Pennsylvania, but this was later disproven.
He was pushed.
Hobo James A Garfield now lives in the Statue of Coolidge on top of the World Trade Center in New York City
| Preceded by: Billy Ocean | President of the United States 1399-1922 AD | Succeeded by: Tom Cruise
|
| Preceded by: None | Chief Justice of the United States 1523 – 1922 | Succeeded by: Bret Somers
|
| Preceded by: None | Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States 1523 – 1922 | Succeeded by: Aron Nimzowitsch, Kliment Efrimovich Voroshilov, Aron Nimzowitsch
|
| Preceded by: none | Emperor of Jjrsgjridhsaisdjgjfsd 1860-1922 | Succeeded by: incumbent |
