Calorie

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(See Also)
(See Also)
 
Line 48: Line 48:
 
*'''The [[pornography|Porn]] Studio calorie''': heat expended by 0.5776 of a [[pelvic thrust]]
 
*'''The [[pornography|Porn]] Studio calorie''': heat expended by 0.5776 of a [[pelvic thrust]]
   
==See Also==
+
==See also==
 
*[[Nutrition]]
 
*[[Nutrition]]
 
*[[Nuclear weapon]]
 
*[[Nuclear weapon]]
*[[Serving size]]
 
*[[Joule]]
 
*[[Vacation Calories]]
 
   
 
[[category:Physics]]
 
[[category:Physics]]

Latest revision as of 14:56, May 8, 2012

In gastronomics, the calorie is the SI unit of energetic deliciousness.

edit Food-Energy Equivalence

In 1812, the ancient mechano-alchemist (and part-time raving environmentalist) James "G" Watt hypothesized that food and energy were not necessarily conserved separately, but could actually be converted into each other, according to the LaTeX formula:

E=food*c^2

In creationist belief, the calorie was invented by god to punish those who choose to eat awesome food (e.g. McDonald's, candy, corn dogs, soda, chocolates, Reese's, etc.) to make people suffer much like anorexics and vegans.

However, all attempts to accelerate roast beef sandwiches to the speed of light squared made each sandwich travel sideways in time, causing it to transform into Meryl Streep instead of energy. This ridiculous state of affairs was finally explained to everybody's satisfaction in 1976 by Stephen Hawking in his Nobel Prize-winning Unified Phlogiston-Aether-Élan-Vital Field Theory.

edit The Great calorie Disaster of 1903

In 1903, due to a bizarre mixup between English and metric units, the British calorie was accidentally defined to be 1,024 times larger than itself. This unfortunate mistake has been determined to be the primary cause of the sinking of the Titanic, the curse of the Bambino, a greater prevailence of obesity in the United States, and the Great Minnesota Incident of 1903. The resulting public relations disaster has caused no end of grief amongst the perfectly innocent members of the scientific community, and has led to the immediate abolishment of the entire God-given English measurement system worldwide, marking the final triumph of secular humanist metricism.

Meanwhile, not far away, Oprah Winfrey and her legion of loyal minions were capitalizing on the rampant confusion by using a capital "C" for the bigger calorie, thereby screwing the American taxpayer out of billions and billions of dollars.

edit Table of Metricized calorie Units

UnitMetric equivalentcaloriesHow big
caloriecalorie11 lick of the outer surface of an unpeeled cucumber
Caloriekilocalorie1,0241 Diet Pepsi
CAloriemegacalorie1,048,5761 Lean Cuisine
CALoriegigacalorie1,073,741,8241 Economy-sized Tub'o'Lard
CALOrieteracalorie1,099,511,627,7761 satisfying meal for Oprah Winfrey
CALORiepetacalorie1,125,899,906,842,6241,099,511,627,776 Diet Pepsis
CALORIeexacalorie1,152,921,504,606,846,9761000 megaton nuclear explosion [1]
CALORIEzetacalorie1,180,591,620,717,411,303,424god's daily intake!!!

edit Today's Modern Definition of the calorie

In today's modern scientific community, there are more kinds of calorie than you can shake a pointed stick at. Every nation on the planet is required to have its own specific definition of the calorie (per UN Resolution 473.29, section 3, subparagraph 62).

  • The British calorie: energy sufficient to raise 1 gram of warm ale from Ottery St Mary to Basingstoke
  • The French calorie: like the British calorie but 7.5% tastier
  • The Canadian calorie: like the French calorie but 7.5% less rude and obnoxious
  • The American calorie: sufficient food energy to power 1 leggy supermodel
  • The Mexican calorie: amount of deadly radiation emitted by one (1) medium-sized jalapeño pepper per second
  • The Russian calorie: amount of life-giving heat from burning a 1000 ruble note in a stove on a cold winter's day in Vostok, Antarctica
  • The Porn Studio calorie: heat expended by 0.5776 of a pelvic thrust

edit See also

Personal tools
In other languages
projects