Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Captain Price:So, is everyone here?

Gaz:All present and accounted for. Except for Soap. He had to go to the bathroom.

Private Random Name:He has to go a lot doesn't he?

Captain Price:We have no time to talk about that. In less than 24 hours, Codename Nikolai will be executed in Russia.

Gaz:What kind of a mission is Nikolai?

Captain Price:It's a man. He was an informant on the cargo ship operation in the Prologue.

Gaz:But why is he codenamed? I mean, is there any specific reason that he's codenamed Nikolai? Isn't his name actually Nikolai?

Captain Price:Shut up.

Gaz:Yes, sir.

Remember? This Prologue.

(typing sounds)

Captain Price:Gaz, what are you up to now?

Gaz:Reading this neat Uncyclopedia article on something called Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.

Captain Price:Have you you lost your mind?

Gaz:Whoa! The article just said that you were saying the exact same thing!

Captain Price: So, what is this Call of Duty 4 anyway?

Gaz:Well, it says... whoever wrote this isn't funny.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare is one of the games of the Call of Duty franchise that underwent a time warp and suddenly took place in Present Day "Various Random Places Around the World"TM. The game does not take place in World War II, unlike it's many other predecessors, and also is noticably missing key elements in a stereotypical shooter video game. Where are the zombies?

[edit] The Cast

• Soap McTavish- the main character of COD 4. He is the strong but silent type, even though he has bladder problems. He is also the only one in the game that ever does anything, at the order of the Cap'n. He is the only character in the game who can decide how hard the terrorists are going to be. He may or may not be British, but really, no one cares.

• Sgt. Paul Jackson- the other main character of COD 4. Again, another silent one, but he is not nearly as short, which is a bonus. He seems to have a neurotic fear of blowing up or kicking through doors. It never works for him. He happens to be on the site of a Nuclear explosion but manages to surive for 22.3 seconds before dying from it.

• Captain Price- a guy with a British Accent who runs the entire show. He constantly puts Soap in the line of fire by telling him to blow up all the tanks, helicopters, and to snipe people from 250 yards away while he just sits back and pretends to fire at bad guys, even though it doesn't do anything whatsoever.

• Gaz- Also known as "Targer Practice", this guy saves the plot-critical Soap by telling him how to shoot a gun in a straight line by aiming. Like Captain Price, he is a member of the "I Pretend To Shoot At People Even Though It Doesn't Do Anything" club.

Captain Price:Wait, they made a Video Game about us?

Gaz:I know. Who knew? I always thought that I was just a bad shot.

Captain Price:Quiet. Keep reading.

• Private Random Name- Some Guy with a randomly generated name that a real mother could have never come up with at any point in of any motehr's short life. They are experts at getting shot at, ruining stealth operations, and refusing to turn around when someone shoots them from behind. They enjoy the sensation.

• Some Captain- The unimportant Marine Captain who barks orders at you and yet is so insignificant that you can't remember his name no matter how hard you try. He likes to kick down and blow up doors, and also has a habit of getting bad intel about the location of certain terrorists.

• President Al-Asad- The main terrorist and president of the general area that you're fighting in, he is the CGI representation of Saddam Hussein, and yet is more easily caught than anybody. He blows up a nuke in his own city. What is this game's obsession with nukes? Seriously??

• Imram Zakkaev- Often referred to as That Guy, Imran is not revealed until the point after you kill his son, his friend, and hundreds of the terrorists that do his bidding.

[edit] Diary of 'Soap' McTavish (Single Player Gameplay)

Gaz:At what point would Soap have been able to write a diary? He's always doing all the work.

Captain Price:Nobody cares. Who reads an article on something called Call of Duty? Seriously?

Gaz:Us, apparently.

Captain Price:Shut up Gaz you peanut head.

March 24, 2007, Warehouse with an infinite amount of ammo-

So I got the job in the S.A.S., I had the very strange sensation that someone was watching me. I don't know why my name is Soap. I mean, I'm not very clean. But I decided to deal with it, and some guy named Gaz told me how to walk forward, shoot a gun, shoot a gun past plywood cover, aim, pull out my sidearm, and how to auto aim, christ, im not a noob and other crap etc., etc. I mean, how desperate must they be for new soldiers if they have to tell me, some guy named 'Soap', how to shoot a gun. I also was taught how to slaughter watermelons. My mother would be proud.

After I got the hang of shooting a gun, Gaz told me to meet with the rest of the guys at the next warehouse. I used my compass, which interestingly does not point north.. but points in the direction of my objective, which, at the time, is to talk to Captain Price. I suddenly realized that I had to pee.

So I met the rest of the team, who all had strange British accents. They asked me questions, which they didn't let me answer, and immediately directed me to go up a ladder. A ladder. Why is it a ladder? Why can't I just do the exercise on the ground? Is it too much to ask? But no, I have to rope down to shoot cardboard cut-outs of people who look exactly like SAS members. Are they promoting friendly-fire? If so, then why am I instantly killed when I shoot my ally? And why do they not react to my bullets? Everything just fades away...

And then I respawn at the apparent checkpoint, ready to restart the exercise. I have to wait for Cap'n Price to shut his yap, then the most amazing thing happened. The rope began glowing yellow, as if it was telling me it was important somehow. I'm serious. And I wasn't even high at the time. Something's wrong with that rope.

I still have to pee. And I just roped 10 feet down to the floor. It ruined my time for the exercise, and there's not a bathroom anywhere in sight. How do these people live? Can't I just take one bathroom break? What's wrong with you people?

Because of this, a flash grenade happened to bounce against the wall next to the door and landed behind me. I turned my head away and closed my eyes, and somehow still ended out blinded. That's really lame. I mean, seriously. It's almost the lame as the time I lagged and teleported directly above the grenade I just threw. That happens more than you think it does.

So even though I failed the test, they gave me as many chances to do it again as I wished, but refused to give me any more ammo to help me to do with, so when Cap'n tells me to "Shoot the targets!", I don't have any ammo to shoot them with, so I must use my knife, which is called "Knifing the targets". I don't know why this is allowed. I don't know how the targets know that they're supposed to be dead when I knife them. In the end I failed the test, but no, they still let me on the mission, and they also asked me how retarded i want the enemy to be!?

I hope the cargo ship operation goes better.

March 25, 2007, Cargo ship with infinite amount of ammo.-

Damn it, I still have to pee. And it's raining. On a ship in the middle of the Ocean. While it's raining. I hate this job.

Damn it, where is the bathroom?!

Gaz:This job is awesome. I don't know what he's talking about.

We came on the cargoship via helicopter, from which we then begin shooting at every moving figure on the ship. I could have sworn I saw a cardboard cutout, at which I promptly shot at, and was told that friendly fire will not be tolerated. They should give us different uniforms that do not look like the cardboard cutouts they had me shoot at. That's just wrong.

We got on the inside of the ship, after which we were met with Bad Guys With GunsTM. During the gunfight, Private Random Name was shot in the chest, and I came over to him. With his dying breath, he told me the cost of a B-12 Bomber. I don't understand why that kind of stuff pops in your head at the moment of death, but I still remember the cost: $120,000.

So, in short, we found a nuke on the ship, which was interesting, but the most important part seemed to be a clipboard. Why the clipboard was more important than the Nuke I will never understand. But then, the ship was attacked by bomber planes, who apparently didn't know that there was a freakin' nuke in the cargo hold, and the ship began to sink (naturally).

If I ever make it out of here alive, I quit.

Captain Price:Quitter.

Gaz:Yeah, Soap is so fired.

Captain Price:We'll worry about that later. Keep reading.

[edit] Multiplayer Aspects

The Multiplayer side for Call of Duty 4 is considered to be the first place where spammers, 10 year old kids, and Turban-wagons live in harmony together, making even the asians cry over $60 from a Japanese shop went to waste. Michael Moore is rumored to make a documentary over the number of suicides players had to make before getting blown to shrapnel by the Turban, ahem!, Opfor team that spams at about 10,000 nades/sec which was the cap created by Infinity Ward in order to never get sued from Intel over the number of Xeon, Skynet, and Matrix RMAs along with a Mac Ludacris from God.

Not sure what to make of this..

The ranking system starts you out as a Private, with weapons inspired by an Airsoft company. The #1 point in this system is to make people do stupid things to get laughed at in battle like falling down 30 feet in order to get .1 props from the community to move up one rank. The typical number of props (ie XP) needed is 1,000,000, if you get started in front of the Valve Corporation building with a Laptop, you first get punched by an employee and second might get a message saying "Good luck, Grenade!" which is a virus that will never stop spamming you emails and IMs of that message until you throw your PC into a fire. Symantec has attempted to assemble a team to get rid of the virus but realized that after assigning an employee they later on find that person hanging in the supervisor's closet.

The multiplayer gameplay is supposed to keep spammers, hackers, griefers, and 10 year old kids in teh game until either the day they die or if someone in the game says "Your living in a dreamworld!" but is considered impossible due to the number of times players get blow to smitheroons after a respawn.

[edit] Multiplayer Rules

1. Thou shalt have fun as a n00b while playing COD 4.
2. Thou shalt take this game way too seriously by slapping anyone that doesn't pronounce COD4 in words.
3. Thou shalt not hack.
4. Thou shalt annoy other players by shooting their dick to destroy their chances of losing virginity.
5. Thou shalt not be fair by cooking grenades under the name "Chef Boy2nade" or "Charger777".
6. Thou shalt teamkill and commit suicide if feature not enabled.
7. Thou shalt not spawn camp and instead hit the red button for airstrike.
8. Thou shalt always combine juggernaut with last stand so people can waste an enire magazine on you
9. Thou shalt manually install magnets for your index finger and "g" button if PC player.
10. Thou shalt shoot through walls unless equiped with an RPG. For RPG, just run into preferred room.
11. Thou shalt play World at War and all COD games until Doomsday arrives, because we will do roleplay together once we recieve free gun vouchers from the government.
12. Thou shalt commit suicide if terrorist
13. Thou shalt shoot Neuth in the head and yell "HEAD SHOT"

Captain Price:How do you manage to shoot through walls? I've never done it.

Gaz:Spawn Camp? Are they trying to say that us soldiers just materialize in thin air into the sights of enemies? What is wrong with this game?

[edit] See Also

• Call of Duty
• Call of Duty 2
• Video Games
• Counter-Strike
• Hacker

Gaz:That was a really lame article! Who would write such a thing?

Captain Price:I know. This completely humiliates anything the SAS has ever worked for!

(Cocks Rifle)

Captain Price:I'm finding this kid.

Gaz:What about Nikolai?

Captain Price:Screw Nikolai. This is much more important than that.....