Call from Grandma
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H-Hello? Honey? I'd like to talk to <insert name here>.
MARK NELSON IS A FUCKIN QUEER?!
HE SUCKS COCKS U SAI!?
This is who? Oh, hello honey! You sound so different on the phone. How are you? Good? That's good. I'm good too. Well, I need some help with something. I've got a...uh...a...DVD. And I put it in the player and I push the Play button and...uhh, the movie starts, and it's fine at first, but when people start talking, there are words on the bottom.
What? What are they? Dubtitles? Lubtitles? Subritles? Puptitles? Oh, subtitles? Well how do I turn them off?
Button? Remote? Which remote? The big one? The little one? No, the medium-sized one? Okay. What is it supposed to say? Schmubtitles? Bubbidles? Nundidles? Oh...subtitles? Okay. I can't find it. Where is it?
The top? No, the bottom? I can't see it.
Where is it?
The bottom? How big is it? Small? Is it on the little round part or the square part? The part with the numbers? No? The little round part? The round part going up or down? Up? No, down? I...I found a button that says Subritles. No, Bublitles. No, wait, Rubpiles. Oh, wait, no, it says subtitles.
Push it? Push it twice? No, three times? Just once? Okay. I pressed it, and now the words are in Spanish.
How many times? I pressed it four times. You said four. You said one? Really? Okay. So now how many times should I press it? Five? No, two? Okay. I did it. They're gone.
I pressed another button, and now all the words are in Spanish. No, not the rubdiddlies, the talking.
What button? The little one. The little one on the left. It says...hold on...it says Tangrige. No, it says Pangogo. No, hold on...I think it says language.
How many times? Seven times? Twenty-three times? One time? No, four times? Oh, three. Hold on a second. Okay, now it's in some other language.
What do you mean how many times? I pressed it eighteen times. That's what you said! Yes it was. Oh, three? Okay. Oh, how many now? Four? Three? Okay. Okay, now it's in English. Oh...hold on...now it's back on the first screen. The what? Yeah, the menu.
Click on what?
What? Bay Coobie? What? Pay Scoobie? Lay Rubarb? Oh, Play Movie? Okay. Oh...hold on...wait...I think it went down one too many.
What? I can't remember. It says...c-c-commentary...behind the scenes...oh, what?
Arechual Detours? Special Creatures? Oh, Special Features? Oh. How do I get out? Menu? What button is that? Which one I pressed before? The one on the left? I don't know what you're talking about. Oh. Oh! I found it. Okay. Play Movie? Right? Okay. Okay, now it's working.
What? Cut doobie? Oh, what movie. It's...uhh, hang on...okay...uhh..it's, L-Little Prairie House. Little House Prayer. Little...what? Oh, yeah, that. Little House on Prairie. Little House on the Prairie. What? No, not the show. The movie. What? No, it's not a TV show. What? TV Movie? What's that? A movie on TV? Oh, yeah. It's on the DVD though. Yeah.
So, how are you, kiddo?
Good? I'm good too. So...uhh...your grandpa and I were making sandwiches yesterday...and...and...we put some lettuce on our sandwiches. And then we put on some ham. And then we put on some cheese. Oh, what kind of cheese was it? It was...uhh...swiss? No, American, I think. No, wait, I remember it was real yellow.
Cheddar? Maybe. So anyway, we put some cheese on, and then we got the jar of mayonnaise. What kind of mayonnaise was it?
Heinz? I don't think that was it. Oh, wait...uhh...actually, I think it was. Yes, Heinz. Yes, I'm pretty sure it was Heinz mayonnaise. Anyway, we were putting it on our sandwiches, and then we put the jar on the counter and we sat down and started eating. Well, anyway, while I was eating mine, I started to read the mayonnaise, uh, jar. And I read the back part of it. There was a little, uh, paragraph or whatever on the back. I asked Grandpa, I said, "Did you know that they make mayonnaise in Florida?"...well anyway he said no. Did you know that they make mayonnaise in Florida?
What? Sorry, honey, what?
Oh. Neither did I. Well, anyway, the guy, who, uh, makes the mayonnaise, his name is Henry. Did you know that?
Oh. Neither did I.
So I'd better go, honey.
Oh, one more thing. Uh...umm...how do you, uh, rewind a DVD?
Yeah, get it back to the beginning.
What? Button? In the middle? The one with the triangle?
What? No? The one next to it? Left or right? I'm not deaf!
Oh, left? okay. Uhh, it's not going all the way.
What? Keep pressing it? It still doesn't go all the way back. I pressed it once. What? How many times? Should I hold it? No?
It still won't work.
I held it, like you said! Don't hold it? What? Press it a few times? How many? Just until it goes back to the what?
Beginning? Okay. I did it...and...it says National Broadcasting Company.
What? Leave it? Are you sure? It'll just go? Are you sure? Oh-okay. Bye kiddo. Thanks. Bye.