Caligula
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“I'd like to thank my parents, my breeder, my producer, and Jupiter for making this day a reality.”
~ Caligula's horse on its appointment as Consul.
“CALIGULA'S IN THE FORUM, IT'S A PARTY Y'ALL!”
~ Tiberius Maximus.
Now, let's get something straight: historians have certainly not been kind to the emperor Caligula (often known by his nickname Gaius Germanicus) and, to be honest, this is largely with good reason. As well as being batshit insane he killed an enormous number of people and fucked his own sister, neither of which is a particularly endearing quality in a leader[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. But, in this enlightened modern age, is it time to re-assess the mad, murderous sister-fucker? Can anyone reading this honestly say that they wouldn't be tempted to do the same if they had a laurel wreath placed on their head? Let's look at all the evidence first, eh?
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[edit] Early Life
Caligula was born the son of Germanicus, a Roman general who was popular with the emperor Tiberius, so popular in fact that Tiberius had nominated him as a possible successor which, if later imperial successions are anything to go by, probably means they were playing hide-the-sausage. The young Caligula spent his early years wandering around the military camps on the frontier between the Roman Empire and Germania and urinating on the feet of soldiers. For some freaky reason this made him popular with the men who gave him the nickname "Gaius Germanicus" which means "Foot-pissing German".
During this period there was a revolt by the Germanic legions against Tiberius because they'd become sick of being lorded over by such a sourpuss twat. Germanicus was unsettled by all the violence and feared he would lose control but then young Caligula toddled out of their tent dressed as a Roman soldier and the big, hairy, fighting-men suddenly all stopped and started at the cute young boy. After about an hour of "awww, look at his widdle suit of armour!" and "wook at his tiny sandle-wandles" the men completely forgot what they were rioting about and went back to their tents ending the uprising.
[edit] Adoption by Tiberius
Caligula was adopted by Tiberius after Germanicus managed to give himself a gammy leg during one of his many battles which later managed to kill him. Some people claim Germanicus was poisoned but if we dwelled much on every allegation of every famous Roman death being down to poisoning there'd be no room left on the internet. Because Germanicus had been popular and because Caligula was his son, Tiberius decided to adopt the boy as his successor. It's all very well saying that was a shitty idea now but at the time it was probably rather sensible. Who should Tiberius have handed power over to? The senate? What are you, some kind of pinko republican?
[edit] As Emperor
Tiberius died in 37AD, most likely of being old although it's alleged that Macro, the head of the Praetorian Guard (and also the owner of a tacky range of discount warehouses) , smothered him in a tea bagging gone wrong. They didn't call him Macro for nothing . Whatever the reason, the old emperor was dead and Caligula took Tiberius's ring and slipped it onto his finger. This sort of sexual perversity was a mere taster of what was to come.
Caligula, like a great deal of nutters, started out quite agreeable. He announced a general amnesty and allowed all the people Tiberius had imprisoned for offenses such as singing in the wrong key to go free. He also threw lots of money and bread at the Roman plebs and the Roman plebs loved having money and bread thrown at them, they couldn't get enough of it.
The trouble all started when Caligula went insane. No one is quite sure when and how this happened, indeed one historian of the time notes that "the emperor was perfectly nice one day and the next he was simply batshit crazy". The effects of Caligula's new-found Tom Cruise persona were evident. He decided he was going to invade and conquer Britain and marched to northern Gaul to the relief of the senate. However, he was back within a couple of weeks and he'd had his soldiers collect seashells. When the senate asked whether he'd subdued Britain and brought any savage Britons home for the purposes of a triumph, Caligula replied "No! I have done better! I have conquered the sea! Look, look you upon the spoils of the conquered ocean!". He then proceed to cackle madly, his eyes went all googly and spun around.
Caligula was a nudist. Despite his otherwise gentle personality, Caligula simply would not allow anyone to wear clothes in his presence. This gave rise to the phrase "putting on the Caligula." This behavior distressed his dead uncle Tiberius, who punished Caligula by making him sit in time out for ten minutes!
Unlike other Julio-Claudian emperors, many of Caligula's personal belongings have survived the ravages of time. Scholars have speculated as to the cause of this anomaly, but it remains a mystery to this day. The most significant of these surviving relics is a collection of paper doilies, which is currently on display in a small museum in Montana.
[edit] Crazy things Caligula did when he was Emperor
- Made his horse, "Peekaboo", a Consul!
- Ordered his legions to collect seashells at the Gaulish coast due to not being able to invade Britain! He later gave them to his sister, and she sold seashells by the seashore which went a little way towards dealing with the massive strain her brother was putting on the imperial treasury
- Made a sex with men! With other men! imagine!
- Told blue jokes in front of ladies! In front of ladies!
- Got his wilbur out at the gladiatorial games and made a gladiator kiss it! Kiss it!
- Took a shit on the senate house floor in front of the astonished senate! Can you believe it!
- "Mistook" the sacrificial priest for the sacrificial animal and smashed his head in.
- Drove a chariot without due care and attention!
- Denied the existence of global warming!
- Built a bridge from Italy to Sicily at tremendous expense, then lead a nude conga over it! Twice!
- Sometimes dared to speak politically incorrect !
- Raped every single person in the empire five times and every married person ten times
- Gave exclusive imperial powers to his horse while he was having the world's first colonoscopy, most of which he enjoyed
- Fucked his horse.... horseystyle!
- Was a general Mad Badger
[edit] Death of Caligula
A conspiracy to get rid of Caligula was eventually formed by Cassius Chaerea ('My Chaerea..never gonnna give You up' etc etc) with his fellow Praetorian guard officers. They eventually cornered Caligula as he was running to the loo after watching a ballet class fight to the death in a pool of crocodiles. Whilst he was drying his hands - Chaerea who had once been made to wear a dress and lipstick on parade - knifed Caligula near the paper towels and left the blood to ooze out into the corridor. This was the apparent signal for others in the conspiracy to go round killing anyone who was related to old 'Mad Eyes'. But they overlooked one old fool hiding behind the wallpaper - Claudius.
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Tiberius | Roman Emperor 37AD-41AD | Succeeded by: Claudius |
| Roman Emperors | |
| Julius Caesar - Augustus - Tiberius - Caligula - Claudius - Nero - Galba - Otho - Vitellius - Vespasian - Titus - Domitian - Nerva - Trajan - Hadrian - Antoninus Pius - Marcus Aurelius - Commodus - Pertinax - Didius Julianus - Septimius Severus - Caracalla - Macrinus - Elagabalus - Severus Alexander - Maximinus Thrax - Gordian ... - Constantine - Constantius II - Julian the Apostate - Jovian - ... - Constantine V | ||
