California State University

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California State University
Seal of Cal State Fullerton
Commuters come and go like flies on a piece of shit.
Motto There Be It
Established 1857 a.d.
School type Public
Location California, United States
Campus Bland slabs of concrete pretending to be buildings standing on a larger slab of concrete spreading across 500,000km2 hidden in some California suburb.
Enrollment 400,590 over impacted capacity
???
Endowment $200 billion Colombian Colones (~300 bucks)
Faculty 20
Mascot Speedy Gonzalez

California State University, also known as UC Riverside at 50% off or University of Mexifornia, is the retarded older brother of the University of California system. Cal State is widely regarded as the Rodney Dangerfield of higher education because "it gets no respect". Despite this preconceived notion, the university system is home to a world-class research university such as CSU Guantanamo Bay (CSUGB). The university system has over 35 million campuses statewide as each Californian citizen -willing to do so- is considered to be his or her own university campus. In recent rankings, the Cal State system has edged-out prestigious universities such as DeVry, Capella and ITT Tech in the number of unemployable useless business degrees and MBA degrees handed out.

edit History

Originally the main campus facilities dated to the early 1800's. The grounds were at that time home to the state mental hospital. Due to poor reception from the nearby community concerning patient release, the maladjusted people were called students. Upon achieving self sufficiency from the mental wards, inmates would be called graduates. To this day a degree from Cal State Fullerton holds the same weight. As time went by the hospital running low on funds, had to except new patients. These new patients( mostly drunkards and homeless minorities) were treated to all the amenities the institution had to offer.

edit Mascot

Dumbo the Titan was first chosen in 1935 when the grounds were still used as a mental reorientation clinic. First adopted after the untimely death of Patient #234-4( who consequently thought he was a giant flying elephant.) This effort was very useful in calming unstable patients witnessing the visage of a 400 lb. naked schizophrenic ghost. When the facility officially became a school in 1957 it served as a gimmick to get thrill seeking under achievers to enroll. Dumbo, or patient #234-4 is thought to be a great mascot due to his seeming immortality and being impervious to thrown objects.

edit Campus

Demographics of student body
Undergraduate
African American 3%
Asian American 21%
White American 10%
Hispanic American 29%
Native American 1%
International 5%
Ethnicity unreported 36%

The campus grounds cover some 236 acres. Buildings still remain from the days as a reformatory, though many are in disrepair. The grounds include dorms, known as mini-campuses. These were designed by a less famous German engineer. Even though they were greeted by less then favorable reviews the University soon applauded their effectiveness in keeping enrollment up while maintaining minimal class sizes.

edit Academics

In an effort to raise the G.P.A. the University adopted a lower skill level curriculum. This simply means they now teach on a pre-school level. This standard for higher education through lower standards has worked very well for the school, as it now qualifies for government grants. As reported in 2009 the cumulative G.P.A. was 1.2563221. This was a landslide victory for the faculty since edging out the Wadsworth Academy For The Mentally Handicapped.( WAMH had a G.P.A. of 0.9786, though using a slightly harder 10th grade curriculum)

edit Ranking

Though ranking slightly lower in academia then most college janitors they do edge out other mental institutions, who do not offer degrees. In 2008 they were ranked 129209483593958329 out of 12920. School officials blame theoretical mathmatics for the discrepancy in the stat.

edit Athletics

Cal States usually field teams in Division IV of the NCAA which are broadcated on ESPN 8 (The "Ocho"). A common sight on Cal State campuses across the state is that of pregnant women playing as linebackers for the football team.

edit Campus safety

Due to its placement in suburban Fullerton and a cautious campus design, the Fullerton campus has a very low incidence of crime.

  • University Police Department
The campus is monitored at all hours by a State of California Police Station with a jurisdiction of the campus, president's residence, and neighborhoods surrounding these areas.
  • Community Service Officer Program
The Community Service Officers (CSOs) are civilian student assistants(rapists) that are employees of the University Police Department. The program is overseen by a sworn Police Officer with the rank of Corporal and is an essential component of the Administrations Division of the University Police Department. CSOs are tasked with such duties as securing buildings, unlocking doors for classes, Gulag loss prevention, riot control, mini-campus patrols, and many other duties.
  • Escort Program
The escort service provided by the CSOs is for members of the campus community (students, faulty/staff, and visitors) who are alone at night on campus. Fees are considered very resonable, and happy endings are free on Happy Ending Tuesday.
  • Historic Events
On July 12, 1976, a paranoid schizophrenic campus janitor, shot nine people, killing seven, in the University Library (now the Pollak Library) on the Cal State Fullerton campus.
On October 13, 1984, Edward Cooperman, a physics professor, was shot and killed by his former student, Minh Van Lam, in McCarthy Hall.

edit Branch campus and other satellites

  • Ashworth Hospital in Merseyside
  • Broadmoor Hospital in Crowthorne, Berkshire
  • Rampton Secure Hospital,in Retford, Nottinghamshire
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