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Disney's California Adventure is a powerful and popular empire of five states located in present day Anaheimatic, California. It is the newest member of the Mickey Mouse League (informally known as the Mickey Mouse Club or the Empire of the Mouse), a trading alliance of states and cities that maintains a global entertainment monopoly.
Disney's California Adventure consists of five separate states, each of which maintains a distinct culture and set of customs:
- Sunshine Plaza, the Suni state
- Hollywood Pictures Backlot, the Holly state
- Golden State, the Goldie state (formerly the Cookie state, until folk hero Daddyb ate them all. Then the VF State until folk villain Neo conquered it)
- a bug's land, the Buggy city-state
- Paradise Pier, the Paradiso state
- Cars Land, the "Under Construction" state
Some experts also consider one more state, though this is disputed.
- Parking Lot, the Car Crash area.
The most prominent geographical features are two isolated monuments: Grizzly River Run, and California Screamin'. For this reason, early Polish explorers termed the area Big Mama's House 2 while Israeli immigrants during the twentieth century called Disney's California Adventure °山°, or Pride of Wahtehdausnee. Outside of these bounds, the other most prominent feature is a bay in the center of the capital state, serving as an anti-aircraft device. The device used to detonate nightly in 2001 until a tsunami destroyed the launch mechanism. It currently is being repaired by top men, including Kamikaze Ken and Battlestar Galactica Barbie.
Each state of Disney's California Adventure selects members to serve at California Screamin', the capitol. Each state is allowed one representative, except for the Parking Lot territory of Car Crash, which does not get a chair but a motorized scooter instead. The current representatives are:
- Walton EuroDisney (President of the Council and Representative, Paradise Pier)
- Ernie (Representative, Golden State)
- Goofy, Jr. (Representative, Sunshine Plaza) (Goofy, Sr. served on the Disneyland Grand Council prior to his death)
- Furby (Acting Representative, Hollywood Pictures Backlot)
- Flik (Representative, a bug's land)
- Woody Harrelson (Acting Representative, Cars Land)
- Kermit the Frog (Honorary Inactive Member, representing Hollywoodlandplace. Was mauled by a rhinoceros in 2010 while protesting something stupid Disney did, which actually can be almost anything these days...)
- Mickey Mouse III (Inactive Listening Member, only got the job because of his dad)
This system follows the Disneyland Grand Council system, established for the Mickey Mouse League, the Haudenosaunee, and the Delos nation (a confederation of MedievalWorld, RomanWorld, and WestWorld).
Alliance with UC Irvine
In 2009, Disney's California Adventure crafted an alliance with the University of California at Irvine, becoming the first of the Mickey Mouse League nations to form an alliance with the UC System. It is rumored that California Adventure was able to secure this alliance only after hiring the Hindu Pimp to supply UC Irvine with his sluttiest prostitute, Colette Bickford McGreggorwilner O'Malleyfax-O'Brien-O'Timms Smithiggens Spongebob Mandrilpants. After feeling around inside of Mandrilpants for a few years, Irvine president Allah finally agreed to do whatever it was he was supposed to do before he got wasted and found out that Mandrilpants wasn't really a woman... or a man... or a bear...
Disney's California Adventure existed since medieval times, inhabited by natives of the land. It remained inhabited by the Dodo species until 1954, when the Disneyland Empire's expansion and push for annexation by the United States forced the Dodo out of the region. Instead, the Parking Lot territory was hastily taken over and established by the Bennett Buggy family. The Parking Lot territory was left to stand alone for about forty lightyears. It was during this time that the Parking Lot territories (the first Parking Lot territory reproduced asexually) got the now-commonly used name, the Car Crash areas. Legend has it that one dark June night, terrorist Don Al-Duck committed a suicide attack with his Ford Pinto, destroying a good portion of the original Parking Lot territories. However, this claim has never been validated, due to recent tapes of Don Al-Duck surfacing, with Don Al-Duck appearing alive and well. However, he has been deprived of cookies in recent days and is said to be in poor spirits. This is all thanks to the folk hero Daddyb.
In 1997, the Parking Lot territories were officially annexed by the Disneyland Confederation, and the Mickey Mouse Alliance developed the current set up of Disney's California Adventure, with the exception of "a bug's land." Heimlich the Great, of the bugs, invaded Disney's California Adventure in 2003, establishing "a bug's land" inside the existing Golden State. The Mickey Mouse Alliance voted to allow this new state, which still exists today, represented by Flik on the Grand Council of Disney's California Adventure. Modeling themselves after Heimlich the Great, Mater the Idiot and McQueen the Rapist joined forces to try and force the creation and takeover of the former Parking Lot territory, tentatively called Cars Land. As of yet, Bertha has scared the living shit out of Mater and McQueen, but the Rapefruit-Idiot tribe threatens that their Cars Land (plus a rebeutification of the rest of the empire) will become a reality in the next few years... or centuries... or it might not happen at all. Ever since Eisner left, nothing good ever happens.
War With Six Flags
Since before records were kept (they used CDs back then anyway), Disney's California Adventure has been at war with the California division of The Mighty Republic of Six Flags over their suspected harboring of known terrorist Don Al-Duck. California Adventure President Walton EuroDisney of Paradise Pier believes that Six Flags military leader Mr. Six granted immunity and sanctuary to Al-Duck sometime between 1010 and 2010, after Al-Duck committed a terrorist attack in Paradise Pier, during the traumatic hijacking of the Golden Zephyr between 1998 and 2008. According to California Adventure Chief Justice Claude Frollo, a 53-mile trail of legal papers proclaiming Al-Duck's purported whereabouts were found leading from the hijacked Golden Zephyr vehicle in California Adventure to the Valencia headquarters of Six Flags' California division. It is unknown whether Al-Duck's Ford Pinto had been granted immunity as well, or whether it really did blow up while trying to exit the Disneyland Resort parking lot. Six Flag's Mr. Six might have also kidnapped DCA Representative Ernie's Rubber Duck, though this has not been confirmed.
Name Change Controversy
At some point in 2010, the 's lettering of Disney's California Adventure suddenly disappeared. It is suspected (and therefore 100% certain) that Don Al-Duck is the mastermind behind this theft, causing yet another devastating embarrassment for the Disney Empire and Mickey Mouse Alliance. Instead of conceding that Disney's California Adventure had been victimized by further terrorist acts by Al-Duck and Mr. Six, the Grand Council voted 4-1 (Kermit the Frog dissenting) to announce that Disney had voluntarily changed the name of the park from Disney's California Adventure to Disney California Adventure. Upon pointing out this name change made absolutely no sense, Kermit was subsequently mauled by a rhinoceros and replaced on the Disney California Adventure Grand Council by a Furby.
Modern Culture in Disney's California Adventure varies greatly for each state within. In the early days of Parking Lot territory domination, there was no electricity, and no civilized life. Today, however, each state has its own unique customs, and culture. The ultimate adventure however is the only place on earth where humans are activley cloned
In the Sunshine Plaza, the Suni people worship a giant metal heap of space debris, rumored to be Walton EuroDisney's gift to the Suni people. The Suni people are generally kind, but reported to be very stingy. They often candidly take photos of unsuspecting tourists, then charge them over 100 Suni cents to take them home, with the threat of physical harm (such as feeding them to (Bertha Bear) if this request is not complied with. However, the Sunshine Plaza is the only avenue through which the rest of Disney's California Adventure may be explored.
The Golden State bases its existence around a giant bear head in the center. Natives to the Golden State believe this to be the work of Cletus the Jack Hammer. Cletus is a folk hero to the Golden State, and often charms Golden State females in the Grizzly River Run bathroom. Another folk hero of the Golden State is Terrorist Kwong. In his natural habitat, Terrorist Kwong is a food fanatic, eating everything in sight, except humans. He is a hero of most Golden State-ians, proving that food is most beneficial. However, another folk legend in the Golden State is a real food monster. Small children in the Golden State are warned not to venture out after 2:35pm, which is when Bertha Rado goes on her hunger rampages, usually stopping at Ralphs after coming out of her cave. Bertha also used to smoke a Cigar Nickel (pronounced SAGAR NIKHIL or NIKHIL SAGAR), but dropped the habit when Bertha almost died of Indian food poisoning, as instead of using metal to make the Nickel, the toxic substance curry was used. It is believed that Terrorist Kwong was behind this murder attempt, though his associate Wag B. Meister at first claimed responsibility, but then disappeared before the Disney Grand Council could locate him. Meister is believed to currently reside somewhere between Santa Monica and Boston, Israel (located west of the Grand Duchy of Sweden... if you hit Romania, you've gone too far). Another theory as to the attempted murder of Bertha holds that the Hindu Pimp, unhappy that Bertha was driving away customers, sent his star performer, Colette Bickford McGreggorwilner O'Malleyfax-O'Brien-O'Timms Smithiggens Spongebob Mandrilpants, to murder the beast. Bickford, however, made the mistake of escaping to USC, where he/she/it was mauled by the Leinart-Bush-Osama terrorist group.
"a bug's land"
This was not an original state. It was established by Heimlich the Great as the result of a takeover of part of the Golden State. Cletus the Jack Hammer was seriously injured in this invasion, but the bugs insisted on a state of their own. They got their wish in 2003. However, it came with a curse named Bertha Rado. Bertha, nicknamed "Big Bertha," or "The Bear," habitats this area, feeding on small children (and bugs) who venture out after 2:35pm, which is when she leaves her cave. The only known deterrents to Bertha are Winnie the Poofter and Harry Hudnut the Salamander.
Hollywood Pictures Backlot
Initially a colony of a Barren Ice Wasteland, the Backlot was established as a Disneyfied state when Tinker Bell turned Borat the Jew into Sascha Baron Cohen the Jew-ier Jew. Initially met with resistance by Walton EuroDisney, the Backlot was adopted as an official land in 2001, with the promise that Baron Cohen would play the monkey from Aladdin in the stage show until 2010 or lunchtime, whichever came first. In the bugs' takeover of a part of the Parking Lot territory in 2003, Baron Cohen was captured by Heimlich the Great, and later released back to wherever he came from. As a result, Walton EuroDisney captured Michael Eisner and forced him to play the monkey from Aladdin until Cohen's original term would be up in 2010 or at lunchtime. In 2004, Backlot leader Tinker Bell approved the construction of a Tower of Terror, in which President Walton EuroDisney could confine the ghosts of Paul Pressler and Paul Frees. The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror Cemetery opened to the public in stages between 2004 and 2006, coinciding with the progress made in charging visitors inhumane prices at the gift shoppe. In 2009, Tinker Bell was overthrown by Kermit the Frog, who promised to turn the land into a puppet government. Kermit introduced a reinvention and re-beautification bill in 2009, designed to transform the Backlot into a Muppets Studio Lot. As his first act as leader of the Backlot, Kermit changed the name of the main thoroughfare from Hollywood Blvd. to Sesame Street.
Paradise Pier is the capital of Disney's California Adventure. California Screamin' serves as the capital building, while another heap of space debris (another sun) sits in the middle of the Screamin' structure. The Pier natives, unlike the Sunis, however, believe this not to be a gift from the heavens, but rather a gift from the NBA, which allows them to listen to synthesized Beach Boys music all day. Supposedly, listening to synthesized Beach Boys music gives basketball players superpowers and is responsible for the Lakers 2000, 2001, 2002, and 2009 Championships. According to popular folklore, secret-Clippers employee Colette Bickford McGreggorwilner O'Malleyfax-O'Brien-O'Timms Smithiggens Spongebob Mandrilpants was killed by electrocution while attempting to change the music CD. From 2001-2010, no one, not even Walton EuroDisney, president of Paradise Pier, knew where this music came from, or more importantly, how it was made, and how to use it to help Los Angeles get a football team.
In April of 2010, the superpower-inducing calliope music suddenly was turned off and replaced by doobie-killer jazz music. In the three day period following the introduction of this jazz music, an estimated 50 trillion Pier residents died as a result of noise poisoning. According to Pier native Andrew Bynum, "this new jazz is ten thousand times worse than being ate by Bertha Bear, man. It's 100% of the reason why I got injured this season and 300% of the reason we didn't win a championship this year." Bynum injured his leg attempting to flee Paradise Pier, rather than be 'noised to death' by the jazz invader. It is believed that the terrorist Don Al-Duck is behind this, along with his henchman, Hewey Hussein. Their whereabouts are unknown, but it is believed that they have been granted immunity by Mr. Six and are hiding in the Mighty Republic of Six Flags somewhere near Valencia. Six Flags has been at war with Disney's California Adventure (and by extension, Disneyland) ever since Moses first parted the legs of his wife.
In 2002, during the Anaheim Angel's World Series run, California Adventure was painted red. However, this dismayed the Disneyland Grand Council, who thought that the red portrayed DCA as a communist member of the alliance. A civil war ensued, during which Cynthia Harris was captured by DCA and sent to work for the GAP as punishment. Her lover, Paul Pressler, pretended to get lost, and mysteriously materialized at GAP as well (it is believed, however, that Paul's ghost occasionally haunts the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. One can scare him off, though, with a can of Whoopass. In 2003, a Canindian dropped a hockey puck in the California Screamin' capital building. What followed is from witness account only. The puck exploded and out came an angry Colorado Avalanche team. Bertha Rado saw ColoRADO and fell in love, driving out the Avalanche. This is the only instance in which Bertha was believed to be helpful. In an interview with ESPN Sports Net, Bertha was quoted as saying, "gUgh-mphh" before devouring a young child, Bertha's favorite treat.