California

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Bundesrepublik Kalifornien
Der Großeimperialistischenreich von Kalifornien
California
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: "Pot Akbar"
Anthem: "Horst Wessel Lied"
Capital San Francisco
Largest city San Fran Crisco
Official languages Austrian
Government Bundesrepublik
 Führer  Arnold Schwartzanigeria
 Vize-Führer  Barack Obama
National Hero(es) Heinz Fischer
Declaration
of Formation 		 November 15, 1903
Currency Deutsche Mark
Religion Socialism
 Area 1890km³
"When you're strange" you're probably in California.

“The second gayest state in the nation!”

~ Oscar Wilde on California, referring to Ohio

“Apricots!”

~ That Guy on California

“Hold them Mexicans back!”

~ This Guy on California, or maybe Los Angeles/San Diego

People's Republic of California (pronounced Kuhl-ee-Forn-y-ah! by septuagenarian Austrian governators and "Cal-ee-forn-I-yay" by natives; full name: Bundesrepublik Kaliforniens) is a large island located off the Western United States of America. Its official state song is California Love by Tupac Shakur (ratified in 1999, replacing the Red Hot Chili Peppers' Californication). California has only one puppet state, the since-1991-independent Fresh Principality of Bel-Air.

It is important to note the difference between Northern and Southern California. NorCal is inhabited mostly by hippies, nerds, lumberjacks, bureaucrats and Arnold Schwarzenegger. SoCal, on the other hand, is occupied mostly by surfers, actors, pornstars, skanks, lawyers, illegal immigrants and a layer of smog so dense that it is classified by the USGS as a separate landmass.

California is a Communist dictatorship run by the Governator. The dictatorship is savagely ruled by an Austrian muscle doughboy, who has harsh blood tax and has decided to make Saturday an extra mud harvest day--most of the movies from Hollywood they find in amongst the crap (pardon my French) from the 1970s. John Connor is dead and the state is currently populated by an evil legion of liberal gay liquid metal robots with glowing red eyes who eat the flesh of Christian babies.

Stirring into the the mix of chaos, the state is frequented with many natural disasters such as earthquakes, wildfires, floods, mudslides, rainbows, freeways, killer bees, rising sea levels, smack, crack, paparazzi, Paris Hilton's hungry man-eating holes, and disgruntled drug induced ex-movie producers armed with tanks. If you ever find yourself in California the best thing to do is pray to God and run like hell.

California may break into two, maybe 3 or even 4 new states. The "Sou.-Cal" people have a beef with the stuck-up "No-Cal." folk. Often you have Los Angeles and San Francisco residents look down or poke fun at each other. The two halves would meet in a pissing contest to see who can aim the highest...and none of them can.

At times the two halves admit to share a hatred of the East coast (i.e. San Diego or Santa Cruz), the Midwest (i.e. Central Valley from Chico to Tulare), the "South" (i.e. Stockton or Bakersfield), the Northwest (i.e. Eureka or Redding close to Oregon) and the Southwest (i.e. Palm Springs or the Mojave Desert close to Arizona). Screw 'em all, California sucks...and New York too.

Contents

History

Early History

Many myths surround the early history of California. California was ruled by Alexander the Great for a while so it got really fucked up. It is known that the territory was first occupied by Native Americans, who called it simply New Finland. The natives had a queen, named Califia. This queen sat around in a palace and did nothing all day, while the natives argued and whined with one another. Nonetheless, the queen decreed the land be renamed after her, and thus it became Califialand. When a roving band of seafaring lesbians discovered it in 1842, they were horrified to see the exposed ankles and necks of the natives (but delighted to see the exposed boobs), and thus renamed the land Californication. But they stayed to lech at the naughty ankles and necks. California was also one of the last of the ten plagues of Egypt, in which a piece of land the size and shape of the state fell on the Egyptians in China and destroyed all of their sources of things necessary for life. After the other nine horrific plagues, the Egyptians gave in and allowed Moses and his homies to go back to their Yo-yo shop in England .

When Spanish missionaries arrived in 1847 they quickly started a "conversion" program for the natives. Within two years the program was successful, and all but a handful of the natives had been converted to fertilizer. The pilgrims didn't fare too well during this purge either. But by the end of it the land was mostly "clean", and so some of the fornication was removed from the name. Thus it became "California".

The seafaring lesbians didn't fair well (they were persecuted for years with punishment of forced public sex). As the years passed on by they lost connection with their way of life and their territories from imperialism. Society wasn't acceptable in the beginning. The ruling Bible-humpers believed gays were evil sinners who slap the Good Lord across the face, but lesbian sex is kinda hot. Through generations they assimilated into society with Californians. The few who refused assimilation were relocated onto tribal lands northwest of the historical famous prison Los Angeles, and called it Van Nuys in honor of the Ancient Roman tribbing position, vagina nuysdomitiumcivitatis. Unlike other California tribes, instead of building casinos with cards and slots, they bourned the adult film industry with cameras and sluts. Among many fashion designs that also saw its creation in this place is the patenting of of re-invented dildos, specializing mostly in the double-ended, the anal, and the super-large anal dildos.

Gold Rush

Prospectors were disappointed to learn that there was no gold to be found, California was merely a large carrot.

This was apparently a rush for gold in the year 49. It must not be confused with Rush Limbaugh, where gold was unearthed from his mighty crevices a few years later. Gold however quickly ran out soon so the miners then turned to a mass production of natives into fertilizer. Even though all the gold is already out, there are still tons of gold diggers today. In fact, reminding gold-diggers that the gold is out is a capital offense that would be punished personally by the Terminator.

Soviet Era

From 1945 until 1989 California, known then as the California Republic, was a member of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics for the Soviet war machine. After the fall of the Soviet Union, California applied for stardom in the United States. Its application was rejected by Congress, but the rejection was overturned by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals and California subsequently got a star in the Union.

Inhabitants

California happens to be filled with the hollow shells of what were formerly people, as opposed to Nebraska which is full of nothing (which is better), the Southern United States which is full of retards, and France which is full of shit. California is largely composed of three ethnic and cultural groups.

Californians

Typical Californian, who has too much hair tonic.
Californian youth, which is believed by many to be what all of them look like. No one has returned to inform the world.
Many believe that, like, all people in California have bleached blond hair, and like say 'dude' in every sentence, and surf to school or work, but this is completely erroneous. Most of them have naturally blonde pubic hair (I totally checked), green eyes, and only the 90% who live near a beach can surf anywhere but the internetz, only 98% made of silicone. Californians typically have trouble understanding why anyone would want to live somewhere else.

Silicon Valleyites

A typical Silicon Valleyite

Though often thought to be 'geeks' or 'fags', this is entirely inaccurate as well. Inhabitants of the Silicon Valley have actually found to be, according to all the most recent studies, nerds. Rich nerds, with 72% of them being homosexual, to be exact.

The average inhabitant of Silicon Valley would be labeled as "The Jonathan", a nerdy teenager with a strangely over-developed dick that he would use to feed his dog with (due to questionable activities), advanced pixel art skills, glasses, an obsession with online debate, and the lack of a 'RL' girlfriend. Fear their chess abilities; they will either beat the living shit out of you after winning, or destroy the chess board in a fitful rage after winning. More likely the latter.

Though you may be tempted to: beat them up, give them a wedgie, rape them anally, or even call them 'four eyes', it would not be wise. Treat them as well as you can, they will probably be your boss one day.

Immigrants

An Immigrant, with stolen food

California is often said to be nothing more than an placental extension to Mexico and Ohio, full of Mexican immigrants, by right-wingers. This is entirely true. To be factual, California consists of around 77% Mexican immigrants, and another 7% of South American descent. Immigrants are rarely seen in Hollywood movies set in California, however this is not because of Hollywood being full of racist personnel, but because immigrants enjoy spending most of their time in jail, or "la casa." Homosexual immigrants can be seen in San Fransisco's famous gay street Castro St., or they can also be seen in school.

Immigrants are an amazing people with a fascinating culture, consisting of: carjacking, over-eating, alcohol, burritos, pissing off white people with their crazy accents, weed, making hella sweet cars, and being lazy. Though the Mexican population is often considered to be nonthreatening (like a benign tumor) outside of car jacking and various other crimes, they are indeed responsible for one of the greatest threats to the world today: La Chupacabra (aka Rosie O'Donnell, mostly known as La Chupadonnell. With the rising tide of bullshit coming from Hollywood, La Chupadonnell and great enemy Donald Trump, devour of Toupes and Worlds began the great California Civil War, resulting in the complete annihilation of Los Angeles (Los Angeles is a trademark of Trump Industries. "Trump Industries: We eat Children!"). After the war resulted in the death of La Chupadonnell, Donald Trumps Toupe became all powerful lord of the universe, sharing his throne with Xenu.

Most Californians wish they were "ghetto" like they are, or they wish they could be like their idols(Ismael). by the way, Caboose h8s California.

Californians are known to be radical: There is a movement by these radicals, dressed in stormtrooper outfits goosestepping in front of members of the "master race" lead by a thin-mustached-man with a German accent with his fiery speeches about the "minorities" taking over the state. He then salutes with his left arm upward and everyone shouts "ZEIG HEIL" when he's done speaking.

To reduce the overcrowding and budget deficit, the radicals call for the segregation, concentration of and ultimately, the "Final solution" of getting rid of immigrants, (esp. Mexicans), Black people, Japanese (or any "Oriental" who all looks alike), Arabs, Armenians, Californian Indians (time to burn down these casinos) and most of all: Jews, gypsies and homosexuals known to be majorities of people in Hollywood, San Francisco and Sacramento.


Language

Californians speak a bizarre dialect of English which has mutated through the use of random words such as "hella". This is likely due to them being high and utterly incomprehensible 99% of the time. Southern Californians also have an incomprehensible fetish wherein the use of the grammatical article is mandatory when referring to highways (i.e. "The Five" rather than just "Five" or "Route Five" as the rest of the world would say). They also don't use the word highway, its freeway moron! It is believed this mutation of English is due to widespread brain damage from the smog that perpetually shrouds Los Angeles. It has also been found that the smog may have contributed to California's second language, Spanglish which is when someone is confused about whether they are speaking English or Spanish. For example: "I need a job" translates to, "I need a yob".

Culture

Consists of many Mexicans imported from Mexico. Because white Anglos in California don't work, don't marry, don't have babies, don't live in the state year round and don't know Mexico formerly had the land. To fill the void, we bring in the Chinese, Vietnamese, Koreans, Filipinos, Thais, Indians, Pakistanis, Iranians and the whole U.N., as white Anglos want to be "multicultural". Except Black Americans in urban areas of Watts and Oakland are the biggest victims and hate Mexicans (er...Hispanics, er...Latinos) a lot worse than whites.

Hollywood

Since the beginning, California has been filled with Jackasses.

Can also be spelled as Holy-Wood (Mansonites use that name as preference) was said to once to be the home of actors and actresses of great talent. Sadly it was destroyed in the Second Great Monkey War and all inhabitants were eaten by grunge fans after the death of Kurt Cobain. Industrial fans are also said to be involved. It was rebuilt in the late 90's by hip-hop superstars and their addiction to image, drugs, bling, etc. Many mechanical animals are said to roam and be seen around here.

Recently, shows like The OC and Laguna Beach have been attempted, but unable, to depict life in California in a positive light.

Government

San Franny

California was rediscovered in 1882 by a pair of seafaring lesbians looking for whales exploring the Pacific coastline. They settled near what is now San Francisco, and Michelle began writing the state's first screenplay, which later became the state's constitution. It is not clear how they reproduced so fast (or at all, being lesbians, but double ended dildos filled with semen might explain it), but the population quickly swelled to around 211,000 inhabitants. It's believed that the massive numbers of Hollywood skanks, Playboy sluts, and teenage whores have all contributed to a stunning breast growth.

In 1884, Californians held their first erections, and overwhelmingly elected Jimmy Buffet as Supreme Leader. This was not entirely unexpected, but surprised residents of many other states. Pubic opinion turned against Buffet in 1891, in the wake of the Great Pussyquake, but soon recovered as he abolished vanilla sex and installed jack off parlors. He then left the morons and went back to the South where the people prosper and Florida exists.

In 1970, the California government decided to stop doing everything, because they were couldn't make up their mind. They stopped building highways, they "talked" about mass transit but didn't. Soon the whole state fell into disrepair. Houses became too expensive as nobody wanted to commute. Since cars here don't move (they form vast urban mobile home parks called freeways), they are becoming more and more like homes... some 89% of Californians now report their car as their primary residence. Note: The state may split to four new ones whenever I'm done reediting this part, or fall into the ocean by a 12.0 earthquake.

Capital: absolutely necessary to open a porn photography studio in Semen Oaks (near L.A.).
State Motto: "land of dirty, smelly assholes".
State Flower: Cali Chronic, aka "that sticky-icky" or "Mary Jane from Tiajuana".
State Nemesis: Texas. Sorry Silicone Valerie, Bush now gets all the action from Holi Woody.
State car: '64 Impala (lowrider for the beaners).
State Stalin: Arnold.
State Hitler: Mel Gibson.
State bitch goddess: Nancy Pelosi.
State stationery: Envelope.
State river: "Sacred Men Hoe".
State song: "California Love" by 2Pac.
State official languages: Spanglish, Valley girl and 100 other languages on the state public documents (for real, go to any state DMV office).
State religion: Atheistic-Secularist-Pagan. (actually, the Church of Scientology).

You have a lot of Buddhists, Hindus, Wiccans, Satanists, Muslims, Jews, Mormons, Westboro Baptists, Catholics who split off from the Roman church, and Pastafarians preach on street corners.

State furniture: IKEA "AMSLUT" table (alternatively spelled ANSLUT, spelling changed for California model only).
State tire: Hoosier Daddy.
State supplement: SmartBurn with Hoodia.
State word: Totallyfuckin69radicalishoios (definitely from the 70s).
State state: Arizona (land of slow drivers, conservatives, old people unable to handle 40 above degrees, LA's asshole little brother and tourists).
  • State summer home: Washington (the state of insanity, liberals, coffee latte mocha addicts,SF's lipstick lesbian lover and slackers).
State mousepad: Britney Spears Shaved Head Mousepad.
State instrument: Skin Flute.
State song: California Love.
State food: cow from scotland.
State fave food: Anything made of soy or tofu (must be organic).
State food taboo: Horse meat, the only US state where horse meat can't be sold for food. THANKS PETA!
State beverage: Beer from Austria.
State water: It comes in the bottle.
State road: Freeway 69 (gay).
State animal: Angry Dragon (bonk!)
State anime: Gravitation.
State person who beats the shit outta people: Mr. T.
State tree: The Giant California Redbud.
State flavor: Mango Rosehips Cappucino.
State question: How the hell did Sacramento become the capitol? We've got San Francisco and Los Angeles, but Sacrafukkinmento gets chosen? What, did Turlock say 'no'?
State hoar: Hillary Obama.
State Dumbass: Gavin Newsome. Way to celebrate the supreme court allowing gay marriage and give the pro-Prop 8 people a soundbite to close ALL their commercials!
State Sport: Car to Car Shootings on The Freeways.
State Colleges: Berkeley (for Jews) and Stanford (for Asians).
State Prisons: Folsom (for Blacks) and San Quentin (for Mexicans).

Pronunciation

Although mispronounced by the Anglo invaders for centuries, the correct pronunciation of the word was only learned by most honkies when Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected Governor, or Governator as some called it. AHHH-nald taught the honkies the correct pronunciation: KAH-lee-fo-nee-ah, which he learned to say when grabbing girls asses. Many East Bay Area (alternatively spelled SF Gay Area) rappers pronounce it as Cali-four-nye-yay, though most don't know much English.

The Stealing of Cheese

Carol the cow, of the famous Cheese commercials, DEAD after being shot in the neck one day after the filming of the "quake" one
.
the assassin of the famous cows in the cheese commercial

California is known to have a cheese industry full of bastards and physically retarded cows. They decided one day that they will become the new Wisconsin by becoming The Dairy State, even after Wisconsin had held the title for years. They made this obvious when there was a commercial featuring a group of cows, supposedly in Wisconsin (if Wisconsin looked like a freezer covered in skeet) with Wisconsinite accents. They stole the title temporarily and made moronic commercials with cows that enjoy earthquakes. But recently all of the cows starring in the commercials have been assassinated by a man in a "Celebrity Deathmatch" t-shirt, and a Nixon mask. California, now without advertising, has lost the title of The Cheese State, because no little kids who enjoy talking cows are badgering their mothers to buy California cheese, and California wants it back. A fight to the death will be held on February 22nd 2010, but the favorite (California) is likely to win, because of Oakland, which functions as a fist, and can hold foreign objects, because the match will be no holds barred.

Etymology

The name "California" which used to be called 'Tierra de California', originates from two different languages, Spanish and English (originating from Atlantis). The Spanish portion, "Cali", is from the Spanish word "caliente", meaning "hot". The English portion, "forni", is from the English word "fornication", meaning "sexual intercourse between partners who are not married to each other". Thus, "California" means "the Land of Hot Sex". It is also spelled as Killafornia by Bay Area gang members. Can also be called Killakali. Unhappy residents have been known to call it "The People's Republic of Kalifornia".

Future

< The future fascist fringe party flag of California. It has the colors associated with the Nazi party in Germany!

California is running out of water, electricity, oil to operate all its 200 million vehicles, and has no money as so to speak to support the state's 100 million people.

According to a Wikipedia database dump from 2010, made available for download in 2009 due to an unfortunate clock error on a server, in August 2009 China will become annoyed with purchasing bonds from California which go only to repay the bonds they already hold, and simply buy the state outright. The Chinese announce plans to employ the "competent" gamers from California as gold farmers, and train the rest in how to carry out socialism while "fucking up less", to quote a Chinese official speaking on condition of anonymity.

In 2010 California declared independence for what had to be the fifth or sixth time. This time it was a pseudo-democracy partly controlled by the Japanese. There was some small resistance from America, but they crushed the Imperialeest Fecsist Besterds with their armies of Laser Bears. !HASTA LA VISTA BABI! Afterward, California was overthrown (again) by neoanarchists who strictly enforced their beliefs of anarchy. Anyone who didn't do whatever they wanted was executed by drowning in Nacho Cheese (lethal quesoasphyxiation). [The Flag of the California Free State, depicting the almighty Laserbear] Many movies depict California as a hellhole in the future (well...it is now, but it's gonna get really bad): Blade Runner, Demolition Man and the Terminator starring guess who? AH'HEIL BE BAHK.

Principal Exports

  • Marijuana: California produces 99% of the bestest weed in the United States. But it's medicinal (I swear).
  • Porn: California produces 99.976% of the worlds gay porn and all of the straight porn. However California is the worst place in the world to get laid. All the hot chicks are doing porn, or become lesbians. It's the goldenest gold digger state in the union. They make about $400K a year are heavily in debt and always broke. They are the biggest recipients in California state welfare programs. By the time these chicks hit 30, they have over 8 million miles on the vagidometer and look like old blown out tires. No guy dead or alive wants them. Most guys in California go overseas to get laid. The rest of the world buys our porn and they get laid too. California's a fucked up weird place.
  • Californians: The world has an insatiable demand for Californians, which are only produced in California. Perennially large importers of Californians include Oregon and Washington, and increasingly the metro-areas of Texas. Nevada has rented Californians en masse for the weekend for decades. Utah can't stand them, and Colorado wants to close its borders to them. In fact consumption in these regions is so large that many other regions, such as Cuba, North Korea, and Canada rarely are able to import as many Californians as they should be able to.
  • Soylent Green: Made out of fresh California natives, occasionally those that were turned into fertilizer.
  • Vegetables: Much of California's vegetable produce is grown by inmates at the California State prison, 26.4% of the state male population. The prisoners reportedly consume much of the produce, but are relatively happy to part with it when attacked with shotguns.
  • Fruits: Aside from silicon chip thingys that go in computers that nobody cares about, California's main export are Apples, oranges, and other fruits. Apple Computers is located in Silicon Valley, though most of the iFruits are sent over seas for assembly. Orange County has nothing to do with the fruit, many of the fruits are grown just outside "the OC" which brings us to California's main export: Fruit Loops, they come in various flavors such as "Tom Cruise," and "Leonardo DeCaprio."
  • Bros: California is notorious for exporting "bros". Bros are usually people between the age of 18-23 who wear backward hats, sunglasses all the time, own a GameCube, a black dildo, are named Ivan Krasnov, Chad, Tad, Brad, or Barry. Typical bro phrases include, "Dude!", "You want to listen to Jack Johnson?", "Want to play GameCube?". Some cities have set import quotas on bros, such as New Jersey, due to the mass amounts of bro volume.

Notable Cities

A map of California (made by Jerry Jackson).

Note: Go ahead, expand this list.

  • Los Angeles - L.A. or "La-la-land" for the whole world.
  • Long Beach - Birthplace of "Gangsta rap".
  • Anaheim - Disneyland, edge city of L.A.
  • Riverside - Smoggy, get out your gas masks.
  • San Bernardino - More dangerous and gang-filled than Compton.
  • Oakland - Gangs like the Raiders, Warriors and Athletics.
  • San Francisco Bay Area - Waving the Rainbow flag.
  • San Diego - "Whale's vagina" in German, "Gringos" in Spanish.
  • Fresno - Where Mexicans and Rasta pick fruit and smoke marijuana together.
  • Sacramento - The crapital and sasspool by the San Joaquin delta.
  • Stockton - Inland ports, Homeland security should pay attention.
  • Modesto - The city on the hit 1970s movie American Graffiti.
  • San Francisco - "Frisco" but don't call it that there or you're dead.
  • San Jose (I know my way there, its near Costa Rica) - more people than San Francisco.
  • Salinas - The slums facing the BEAUTIFUL city of Monterey.
  • San Luis Obispo - Polytechnic jocks, preppies and party animals.
  • Santa Barbara - Known for its 1980s' soap opera with the namesake.
  • Bakersfield - West Coast annex of Megatexas, full of hicks.
  • Bollywood - West Hollywood, North Hollywood or the "real" Hollywood.
  • Logan Hieghts - formerly Chicano park in San Diego.
  • East Los Angeles - The anchor baby of Mexico in California.
  • Palm Springs - hot as hell, but avoid Coachella at all costs.
  • Mexicali - Border town, makes Tijuana look "nice" for a change.
  • Reseda - Mentioned often in tv shows, the largest exporter of anorexic girls and idiotic boys.
  • ToolToolington- The birthplace of the modern day "tool". Full of assholes(and Matthew Maconahay).
  • Inland Empire - Nothing special.
  • Fontana - "Fontucky or Little Oklahoma".
  • Ontario - "Oaxacanario or Little Mexico".
  • Rancho Cucamonga - now admitting Blacks to purchase suburban homes, where the blacomedy movie Next Friday was filmed at.
  • Rancho California - Pseudo-farmers, wannabe cowboys and fake indians.
  • Oxnard - Oaxacanardo, asi.
  • Ventura - Recently it was renamed "Vagina".
  • Ojai - Oh Hi, My name is Earl.
  • Simi Valley - America's last Sundown town.
  • Death Valley - America's summer playground.

Other places to see

Counties of California

California consisted of 58 counties, but since 2006, California took over 3 overseas territories of the United Spades of America, Israel (known as Thizzreal), iRaq, and Puerto Rico, to have 61 counties.

Fact: 24 counties in California are less than 50% white, 5 of them are over 50% Hispanic and about one (San Francisco, it's a county too) has developed a declining "minority majority" percentage population.

Non-fact: Los Angeles county is the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, pretty soon it will no longer exist and California will have 60 counties.

Noteable Californians

and * 12 Red Hot Chili Peppers and their many songs about their home state.

See also

Subdivisions of the United States
Northeastern States Connecticut · Maine · Massachusetts · New Hampshire · Jew Jersey · New York · Pennsylvania · Rhode Island · Vermont
Southern States Alabama · Arkansas · Delaware · Florida · Georgia · Kentucky · Louisiana · Maryland · Mississippi · North Carolina · Oklahoma · South Carolina · Tennessee · Texas · Virginia · West Virginia
Midwestern States Illinois · Indiana · Iowa · Kansas · Michigan · Minnesota · Missouri · Nebraska · North Dakota · Ohio · South Dakota · Wisconsin
Western States Alaska · Arizona · California · Colorado · Hawaii · Idaho · Montana · Nevada · New Mexico · Oregon · Utah · Washington · Wyoming
Territories Guam · Poland (disputed) · Puerto Rico · U.S. Virgin Islands · Washington, D.C.
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