- To see a bunch of nerds making funny ha-ha, see vector calculus.
Part of the Uncyclopedia series on Misery:
- Depression
- Pessimism
- Fear
- Pissed
- Suicide
- Apathy
- Give a shit
- Emo
- Hamlet
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- Hell
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- Calculus
“You're welcome.”
“We learn very well in first grade!”
“Calculus is like bringing a hooker back to your hotel room, only to find out that the hooker is a big hairy guy with multiple felony convictions, but the guy won't leave without you paying, so you figure you might as well make use of his services... and then he rapes you, steals all your money, and leaves you blindfolded and handcuffed to a radiator blowing steam in your face.”
“All we have to do is figure out who initially knows it, give them A's, and blow off everyone else with D's. No need for more people like us.”
Calculus is the BEST thing ever created by man or beast. Invented sometime in the 18th century, it represents a culmination of love toward high school students. There are ten types of Calculus so far: Pre Calculus, Fun Calculus, I Love My Math Teacher Calculus, Really Great Calculus, Weird calculus, Hand Waving Calculus, Ilovemylife Calculus (which is obtained only after drinking Powerthirst in RAWberry form) and Really Hard, Really Great, This Is The Best Thing To Ever Happen to Me Calculus, the deadliest of all the calculi, followed by God of Maths.
Calculus is also known as the hardest math in the whole wide world with more F grades than A's, B's, C's, and D's put together.
Before the invention of algebra, calcuseless consisted of coloring in the area below the line, or measuring the slope of the line, or making lines... oh hell, I don't know what it consisted of before Algebra. Although your parents say they took Calculus before you did and didn't whine about it, it was entirely Pre-Algebra Calculus. Just ask for help with your homework, you'll see. What I'm trying to say is that your parents are retards (no offense). The original use of calculus (which is still used today by some), was to test students for the capability of practicing ritualistic Satan worship: By forcing students to stay up for hours unended, and show no signs of lack of sleep, and also "think outside the box", it was possible to find those who would be able to take part in night-long Satanic rituals. Calculus is still used today in this fashion by sadistic teachers who hope that you fail anyway. Gawd! I LOVE CALCULUS!
Pre Calculus
Pre Calculus was the form of calculus used in prehistoric civilizations, such as those at Kush, Mesapotamia, the Tigris-Euphrates River Valley, Edinburgh, and Quebec. Pre Calculus largely consists of "divining", a primitive method of deriving using sticks, bones, or reeds. Other Pre Calculus methods include courtship rituals (chest beating, heavy drinking, etc.) and the use of "ug" as opposed to "variables". A well-known Pre-Calculain variation on the mathematical term QED is "eh?"
Pre-calculus is not so much a branch of calculus as it is a ruse to make new recruits believe that Calculus is easy and safe. This however is not true, as the dive into calculus without previous training will result in death via anal prolapse. This instance of anal prolapse is referred to as "This Subject Is Fucking Pointless" by various medical experts. It is estimated that 561,432 individuals have fallen victim to "This Subject Is Fucking Pointless" yesterday, more than all of the deaths in all of the world's wars in the history of the Earth combined. Dih-Why-biddy-ex. Pre-calculus consists of a rudimentary survey of the two principal principles of calculus:
- Differentiation - The ability to tell, or differentiate, one quantity from another. You've been doing this since kindergarten and it's really easy, so it lulls you into a false sense of security. You'd better get an A+ in differentiation if you want to survive failing integration and pass the course.
- Integration - Taking expressions that have been convicted of complexity crimes and reintegrating them back into numeric society. Here's where the trammel starts closing. Differentiation was solid rock, whereas integration is better compared to tiptoeing along a zig-zagging bridge a decimetre wide perilously suspended over lava as hot as the surface of the sun. There is no one-size-fits-all formula for integration; sophomore calculus students can be seen wandering the halls of The Complex, scratching their heads like monkeys and cramming long lists of case studies into their brains, each of which applies only to a narrow class of calculus crime. Maverick integrals, if not properly restrained, can easily turn violent. Anyone by the name of Eric Chang may seem good at this shit version of easy calculus, but when introduced to its harder branches his head will explode.
Boring Calculus
Boring calculus is what you get when you take the "sexay" out of "calculus". Basically, boring calculus was the first version of calculus invented by "The Stig". Boring calculus uses not only every number ever conceived, but also every letter. AND you have to double check your work. AND the maths teacher hates you. When you don't understand something, it is very simple to just say that someone hates you or that it is boring. In this case what has happened here is a downright travesty because the uses and the need for calculus all over the world is well known. Lets start with Japan and the scholars over there who have used their inferior intelligence to outsmart us by simply working harder dick. Attitudes of despair and hate is breeding the new American monster that doesn't understand calculus and soon won't be able to conceive any new inventions. Luckily however this is a totally untrue statement because it only takes one to stand up and show people the their brilliance and dazzle mankind i.e. Albert Einstein who was able to create the deadliest weapon ever known to mankind, the atomic bomb. Their is no such thing as boring calculus, only riveting calculus. When sir Isaac Newton was sitting in his basement devising these math equations he probably didn't think people could ever possibly take math for granted. Calculus is the base of our society and we must embrace it. When i find the second derivative or find the area under a curve or even find the convergence or divergence of a series, I don't sit there and weep because it is too much work. No, I find the answer by using the incredible gift i was given from myself.
Hard Calculus
Hard Calculus is so difficult and abstract that the only way to do it is to not do it. It generally is successful in confusing dumb high school boys, who only think with their penis and populating white paper recycling bins with large amounts of crumpled-up notebook paper.
However, a person who has mastered Hard Calculus (commonly referred to as a 'nerd' or a 'geek') can use it to seduce high school girls attempting to understand the delicate balance of the concepts within. The aforementioned 'nerds' or 'geeks' often employ techniques of hand-waving calculus to proportionately increase their sex appeal. Asians are good at Hard Calculus.
George Bush is said to have mastered differentiation. He can now tell the difference between an apple and a chair. But just barely.
Bill Clinton was initially unsuccessful at Hard Calculus which is why he ended up marrying the devil (aka. Hitlery) however, he spent all of his years as president studying Hard Calculus (what else do you think he was doing all that time?) and eventually was able to finally attract a suitable mate known as Monica.
Calculus works best with a highly sophisticated calculator. You would think that with the names "calculator" and "calculus" sounding similar and containing many of the same letters that the calculator would practically solve any calculus for you. However, Mr. Calculator, the inventor of the calculator, was a frequent masterbator and an overall douchebag. Solving equations on a calculator is not as simple as merely typing in the equation and pressing the "enter" key; instead, it possesses a difficulty level similar to solving a Rubik's cube blindfolded, underwater, using your feet,all the while being eaten by piranhas. Learning how to correctly use your calculator is almost as complex as calculus. By the time you figure out how to use it, your brain will probably have either: A. Exploded or B. given you the idea to kill yourself. Many lawsuits have been filed to Texas Instrument because the label did not warn users that their product may cause suicide.
Really Hard Calculus aka
"Asian or John Eckhart Calculus" aka
"Mindfuckulus"
Really hard calculus was invented immediately after the inventor was struck upon the head by a falling cinder block accelerating at 9.81 meters per second squared downwards. This new paradigm surpassed the difficulty of hard calculus to such an extent that the only people capable of comprehending it are those in a state of being struck upon the head by falling cinder blocks accelerating at 9.81 meters per a second squared. This is a particularly rare occasion, because the force of gravity actually causes objects to accelerate at a rate of 4.12 nanoparsecs per hour squared (aviordupois). In order to achieve the necessary rate of 9.81 meters per second squared, one must threaten to rape gravity until it converts its units and speeds up. Generally these prophets of insight use language like "theta", "implicit differentiation", and "Holy shit, that hurt!"
Solve these now. ... You're wrong regardless of your answer because your teacher still hates you.
Weird Calculus
Weird calculus is that made by G33kz who think that infinitely small and infinitely large things exist. They even think these things are so real that they call these things "hyper" real. Compare these people to a princess trying to feel an infinitely small pea through an infinitely thick pillow.
Racist Calculus
HA Now, in order to end segregation, the south was ordered to integrate, so integration is the opposite of segregation. Since differentiation is the opposite of integration by the Fundamental Theorem, then we can say that differentiation is the same as segregation since they both are the opposite of integration. However, since segregation is racist and calculus is mostly taught as differentiation and anti-differentiation, CALCULUS IS RACIST!!!!!!
Hand Waving Calculus
Hand waving calculus is concerned with pretending that bad arguments are sound. This is the most important part of calculus. Often, hand waving calculus will use words like trivial and obviously in an effort to intimidate the other party. It is a subset of a branch of mathematics called "proof by intimidation" and "mathematical interpretive dance". HWC, as it is commonly known, consists of dozens and dozens of methods to distract the other contestants and force them off track. For example, a famous Calculus Contest between Dr. Hiknowasha and Dr. Tekinishi ended in a draw when Dr. Hiknowasha, being in fact a round eye in disguise who had no idea what he was doing, distracted Dr. Tekinishi by drawing him into an endless discussion of anime. When the HWC maneuver worked and the contest was over, Dr. Hiknowasha had already escaped.
HWC consists of very long explanations and numbers. The most commonly used number in HWC is "a bazillion", which, in fact, does exist on the first Tuesday of every month.
HWC is also seen in the form of "Voodoo Calculus", in which the use of processes that make absolutely no logical sense are used and make perfect sense because everyone knows true Calculus defies logic. Prime examples of voodoo calculus are actions that include, but are not limited to, dividing by abstract entities such as integral signs, natural logarithms, and MC Escher. Another example of good voodoo calculus would be taking the derivative of one's textbook, therefore determining the absolute grade value at any point in the curriculum.
Ex 1
Voodoo Calculus in action. By dividing out the 'n', you clearly have nothing left but 'Six' or '6' as it is more commonly known.
Fundamentalist Theorem of Calculus
The Fundamental Theorem of Calculus is that math is hard. It is summed up by this formula (considered the funniest item of nerd humor):
It also states (ironically) that only 3.141593 percent of people that understand this integral
will ever get laid
Fractal Calculus
This branch of calculus first appears in Star Trek. It is the greatest math course that you can ever take. Here is a example problem. Robby always does his calculus at the BK Lounge but doesn't give a holy shit about Dr. Majoras's fucking physics test because he's a slimey tongue swirlying slopping fat ass mother fucker w/ a shitty toupee.
Now you must solve for X
Feline Calculus
Feline calculus is a discipline of calculus dealing with the relationship between Sorcerer's Stones and their animal counterparts, Cats. The fundamental theorem of evil part 3 states that cats and sorcerer's stones are inverses, and that every continuous cat has a sorcerer's stone. With these facts math people were able to construct wonders such as New York and Canada (sorry for that one). Feline Calculus was discovered by Attorney Pitz after a cat jumped into her pants in search of a sorcerer's stone. Upon reaching the sorcerer's stone the cat and stone seemed to explode, leaving a super node in Ms. Pitz's pants and dissolving a portion of her leg (the left one). Attorney Pitz had this to say about the incident, "F**** cat took my stone."
The supernode has since been dealt with by removing 14 doughnuts from the pockets of Ms. Pitz's pants. Since the incident Attorney Pitz has been left crippled in her pants and may never walk again. She is now considered public enemy number 1, for extending the evil that is known as calculus and for interning the superwhale.
The greatest accomplishment of Feline Calculus was the creation of the PORNO!
Differential Topology
Differential topology is a form of topology intimately related to calculus, i.e., what was produced when Poincare got his friend Einstein to invent a time machine and send him back to the late 17th century so that he could homologically place his operators tangent to Newton's curves. Differential topologists are considered quite smart in the topological community as they are the only ones who can differentiate between a doughnut and a coffee mug. This is quite important to mathematicians as this enables them to insert the correct object into their 'in-trays' (i.e., the coffee mug) and thus produce a higher abundance of theorems.