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Coccosteus cuspidatus fossil fish specimen taken from BGS, Achanarras Quarry, Caithness.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Caithness.

“The people there are a bit like yeast really, they're in bread.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Wick
Caithness (or Gallaibh in Gaelic, meaning very hilly) is a small town (principal town of Sutherland) in the Highlands of Scotland, built upon the world's largest bog known as the Flow Country because of it's location next to Scapa Flow. The town only became inhabitable when discovered in 1975 where quarrymen used leftover 'Caithness' flagstone paving stones from High Streets across the UK and relaid the entire 700 square mile area with them. Unfortunately, this paving also trapped several fish living in streams within the bog which inevitably died and these now famous fossil fish can now be found by digging through the flagstones. These world famous specimens can be purchased in any local chip shop where the Deep-Fried Coccosteus Supper is a regional delicacy - similar to the Arbroath Smokie but slighly more crunchy. Although nowhere near Aberdeen, people here also like to pretend that they speek Doric.


The county of Caithness is the most northeasterly region of the Highlands and contains the highest mountains in the region, including Ben Scarab, Morven (everything and everyone north of Inverness being called Morven), and the Hill O Many Stains with only Ben Nevis at Fort William being taller. Most of Caithness is made of very old red sandstone, geologically being red, sandy, very fishy and being of Holocene to Obscene in age. They are the remnants of a large lake that stretched from Shetland all the way down to near Glasgow which had a lot of fishes in it that died from radioactive waste sourced from Dounreay (see below) . Thanks to global warming over the last thousand years or so, the lake has dried up with isolated remnants still found as small lochs scattered all over the place that fishmerman spend a lot of money on and fall into.

The land to the north is separated from Orkney by Scapa Flow and the Pentland Firth, bodies of water that were formerly land before they were blown up along with some German U-boats. With a population of 2300, the majority of people live in two parts of the town; Thurso (the nicer estate to the west) and Wick, now ranked in the WHO's Top 10 inbred communities in the world (alongside Tomintoul and Dingwall).

Caithness formally was known as Thick. Although it has shed the old name the two towns which were famously formed the origins of the the noun "Thick" still exist. The regions historically stupid inhabitants sprouted the used of the concatenation of the names of the main towns in the region, Thurso and Wick or Thick to describe people of low inteligence.


Apart from big burly men with beards smashing up rocks with big hammers, the area is also famous for Dounreay, Britain's first nuclear power station build based on blueprints stolen from the former USSR. Dounreay closed in 2005 however after the UKAEA had discovered that the stolen plans had been also been previously used by the Russian government on Chernobyl. The majority of people in Caithness worked at the plant but most have now been given new jobs in the tourism industry as Dounreay is now famous for being the world's largest golf ball. As a result of nuclear activity in the area, the local beach at Sandside Bay is also a popular tourist destination where bathers can enjoy nuclear tanning which is up to ten times faster than the average sunbed.



Another bloody cyclist enjoying the sunny Caithness climate

  • Castletown
  • Halkirk (Where people who weren't good enough to live in Falkirk stay)
  • John sucks Goats
  • Lobster (formerly Lybster)
  • Crabster (formerly Scrabster)
  • Thurso
  • Wick
  • Fairman's Path
  • Lerwick - a bit of Wick that broke off, now in Shetland
  • Tannach - ADSL hub of Scotland, and besterest place in the world to live. WHY MOVE?!?!?

Leisure Activities

Only the three Fs:

  1. Fishing - Enjoyable, but only possible a few months of the year, when there be light for 24 hrs a day rather than the unending night known as winter.
  2. Fighting - Enjoyable, but dangerous. There are many venues but Madison Square Waterfront takes some beating (as do the contestants)! Sometimes features up to four fights at one time, don't think even the red button on sky can compete! Both men women and children can join in! Fun for all the family!
  3. Fucking - Enjoyable, but HIGHLY dangerous!!! Mainly because it's all everyone does. Groups of friends will pass each other around as they don't know anyone else. This also leads to more fighting as everyone knows who fucked who and many a spurned lover will seek vengeance. Also leads to a high number of STDs and the sport of date rape. Some will say that sheep are shagged here but to be honest it's easier to get a shag in the camps at least he/she likely won't be able to run.


From an early age anything that can be sniffed, injected, huffed, smoked, taken or drunk will be.

Drugs are a constant requirement (not a luxury) to stave away suicide brought on by the constant, loud and vocal, reminders that you live with a bunch of inbred thick wankers. To who the "event" of getting a new shop will sell 1000 shitty local papers by giving updates on this important development. In reality seeing the same names on the same assaults pages can be amusing the first few times, but it wears thin. Some have even been driven to sniffing melted wheelie bins... poor souls.



Neolithic Caithness flagstone unearthed near Watten, Caithness. National Museum of Scotland, Edinburgh.

If you are from/in/know of Caithness, and you happen to be speaking to someone from/in/ or knows of Caithness, they are your cousin.

And possibly your:

  1. Father
  2. Mother
  3. Brother
  4. Sister
  5. Half Brother
  6. Half Sister
  7. Uncle
  8. Aunt
  9. Granddad
  10. Grandmother
  11. Nephew
  12. Niece
  13. Step-family

Or a combination of, if not all of, the above, otherwise you are not in/from/or know of Caithness.

See also

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