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Coccosteus cuspidatus fossil fish specimen taken from BGS, Achanarras Quarry, Caithness.

Caithness is the principal county of Sutherland in Scotland's Highlands. The entire county is built upon the world's largest bog, known as the Flow Country because of its location next to Scapa Flow.

The town only became inhabitable when discovered in 1975, by quarrymen who used leftover "Caithness" flagstone paving stones from High Streets across the UK and relaid the entire 700-square-mile area with them. Unfortunately, this paving trapped the fish living in streams within the bog. They inevitably died and can now be found by digging through the flagstones. These world-famous specimens can be purchased in any local chip shop, where they don't taste nearly dead after half an hour in corn oil. Deep-fried Coccosteus Supper is a regional delicacy, similar to the Arbroath Smokie, but crunchy.

Although nowhere near Aberdeen, residents also pretend tae speek Doric.

edit Toponym

Caithness derives from Gaelic Gallaibh (very hilly), as there were rolling hills in the region, until they bulldozed them to create a suitable floor for all those paving stones.

edit Geography

The county of Caithness is the most northeasterly region of the Highlands and contains the highest mountains in the region, including Ben Scarab, Morven, and the Hill O'Many Stains. Only Ben Nevis at Fort William and Mons Puvis are taller. Most of Caithness is made of very old red sandstone, geologically red, sandy, fishy to the taste, and being of Holocene to Obscene in age.

The sandstone is the remnant of a large lake that stretched from Shetland all the way down to near Glasgow, which had a lot of fishes in it that died from radioactive waste sourced from Dounreay, about which more below. Global warming has dried up the lake, with isolated remnants still found as small lochs everywhere, which fishermen pay good money to be allowed to fall into.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Caithness.

Some of the radioactive fish did not die but mutated. The most famous of these was Filet O'Fish. "Old Phil" served as County Administrator but has now gone abroad to advocate for the restaurant industry.

The land to the north is separated from Orkney by Scapa Flow and the Pentland Firth, bodies of water that were formerly land before they were blown up, collateral damage in an effort to sink several German U-boats.

The majority of the population of 2300 lives in two districts; Thurso to the west, and Wick, now ranked in the WHO's Top 10 inbred communities in the world (alongside Tomintoul and Dingwall).


Another bloody cyclist enjoying the sunny Caithness climate

Thurso and Wick used to be a single municipality, collectively known as Thick based on the ease of communicating an idea to one of the residents. The entirety of Caithness is regarded as "Thick" based on this heritage, though these days, it is much easier to communicate with the residents via cellphone, or would be if they were not always occupied taking selfies.

edit Industry

Apart from big burly men with beards smashing rocks with big hammers, Dounreay is Britain's first nuclear power station build based on blueprints stolen from the former USSR. However, Dounreay closed in 2005, after the UKAEA discovered that the stolen plans were exactly the Russian design for the plant at Chernobyl. The majority in Caithness worked at the plant but most now work as tourguides, as Dounreay has now become the world's largest golf ball.

As a result of nuclear activity in the area, the local beach at Sandside Bay is also a popular tourist destination where bathers can enjoy nuclear tanning, which is up to ten times faster than the average sunbed.

edit Leisure activities


Neolithic Caithness flagstone unearthed near Watten, Caithness. National Museum of Scotland, Edinburgh.

Caithness residents spend all their leisure time on the "three Fs":

  • Fishing - Only possible a few months of the year, when there be light for 24 hours a day rather than the unending night known as winter.
  • Fighting - There are many venues but Madison Square Waterfront takes some beating, as do the contestants. There are sometimes four fights at one time. Not even the red button on sky can compete.
  • Fucking - Groups of friends pass each other around as they don't know anyone else. This also leads to more fighting. Some say that sheep are shagged here, but this rarely occurs outside of Lybster. It is considered easier to get a shag in the Camps, where the sheep have too high standards.

edit Drugs

From an early age anything that can be sniffed, injected, huffed, smoked, taken or drunk will be. Drugs perform the vital function of taking the mind off suicide, inspired by the constant, loud, and vocal reminders that you live with a bunch of inbred wankers.

For example, the mere opening of a new shop sells 1000 copies of the awful local papers, as the entire population is anxious to know whether it will accept store credit given by other outlets, whether it will have a drive-up window, and what is the best way for one to say one was harmed by it. If the day's issue sheds no light on that, there is always the police reports. Seeing the same names in print is amusing the first few times, but it wears thin, driving some to even sniff the fumes of wheelie bins after setting them on fire.

edit See also

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