CSI: Swansea

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Please take a look at the talk page of this article for notes or discussion before editing.

CSI: Swansea
The logo designed on MSPaint by Andy Warhol
Type	Crime
Creator	Some guy who created Torchwood and another guy who made Bad Boys
Starring	Lee Evans Huw Ceredig Your Mom Ruth Madoc
TV Station	BBC 3 & Dave & WWELC
Running Length	BBC 3 = 60mins Dave = 120mins (Inc Ads) WWELC = 70 Mins (inc Ads)
No. of episodes	36 (Including 2007 & 2008 Xmas Specials)
No. Series	3
Country of Origin	Wales

CSI: Swansea is the first United Kingdom based spin-off of the “popular” television franchise CSI: Crime Scene Investigation, aimed at increasing the numbers of UK viewers. Series 4 is due to begin filming shortly, on location in Swansea, and in other areas in South Wales. It is due to be broadcast on BBC3 in the United Kingdom (Except Wales where BBC3 is banned because the Welsh took offence to Jeremy Clarkson's hair), and on CBS in the United States, and in Wales it is aired on the Wales's Welsh English language Channel. The series is repeated on Dave so that means the program is extended by 60 minutes to fulfill advertising space. ITV is currently planning a rip-off version called Crime Area Investigation: Cardiff, continuing ITV's plan to copy any decent BBC program. The show was also created to capitalise on the success of Welsh Cinema.

[edit] Premise

The show has a similar format to the other CSI Series, in that the crime team will solve seemingly implausible crimes, in an unbelievably short period of time and performing duties beyond their station.

The main difference (other than the country) will be the range of technology available to the team. As they work in a poorly funded unit (as is common in Wales), they receive very limited equipment (the first case is solved exclusively by use of magnifying glass and violent interrogation). Producer Jerry Bruckheimer believes this will give the show a “realistic gritty edge, that is so evident in British crime … we also hope to distract from the crappy football.” Ironically the show is created by Anthony E. Zuiker who created the American and origianl versions of CSI.

[edit] Funding

Originally to be a joint effort between UK CSI broadcasters Channel Five and CBS set in London, the project was temporarily suspended after Five were declared bankrupt, after buying too much foreign tat, cheap porn and old programs that no-one is interested in. Keen to carry on the project, Bruckheimer approached BBC Wales, deciding they had too much money for their own good after watching an episode of Sci-Fi documentary Torchwood. The two companies reached a compromise, re-locating the program to Swansea, the second city of Wales.

[edit] Title Music

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer stated:

We wanted the series to use local music, to really capture what Wales is about, something modern that would appeal to American audiences, but something that would give the show its own gritty identity.

Then we realized that contemporary Welsh bands were shit so we took the cheapest Who Song available

Title track “I’m a Boy” can be downloaded at many different websites.

[edit] Characters

[edit] Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins

Played by: Lee Evans - 2007-2011
First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
Last Appearance: 'The Nut House' 5x04

Evans: Hoped to inject grit and realism to the show.

Head of the CSI department of Swansea West Police force. Was ordained as a priest before God informed him of his duty to solve crimes in the Swansea area. He has frequent conflicts with his faith, and with his superiors (mainly over securing funding for his unit.) He has a certain air of mystery surrounding him that seems to go hand in hand with heading a CSI unit. He also has an unnerving habit of making witticisms regarding death, murder and other morbid subjects.

We envisioned Jenkins as a riddle wrapped in a mystery surrounded by a puzzle … wearing a mask and a false mustache … shrouded with confusion, by a stranger … ending in a question mark. We first approached Anthony Hopkins, for the part, but he sent the script back to me covered in his own excrement. We were also turned down by John Rhys Davies, Ray Winstone and Timothy Dalton. We were disheartened at first but when a door closes, a window opens. We are now positive we have the right casting in Lee Evans. He brings the grit, and the seriousness needed for a role of this stature.

Evans' chracter is to temporary leave the show in the fourth series to allow Evans to film a new string of Live At The Appolo sketches. HE will return in the later part of the series but in the mean time will be replaced by the gay John WheelBarrowman. Evans is said to be replaced by either, Vic Reeves, James May or Roger Moore for the fifth series in 2011. It was announced by Evans in May 2009 that he was sorry that he was going to have to leave the show but thought it would make way for better opptunities (he has now applied to be a trolley pusher at Tesco). Evans also said that his last episode will be series five episode four in which Dylan will mysteriously disappear. The episode has been revealed to be called 'The Nut House' He went on to announce that his replacement has been cast and that that person will take over as leader in the following episode. Evans was sacked from the show when he took time off to film a special of Doctor Who when he was supposed to be filming 500 episodes of CSI: Swansea back-to-back. In late may 2009 Vic Reeves was announced as succeeding Lee Evans in the fifth series of the show.

[edit] Dr. Audrey Portcullis

Played by: Ruth Madoc - 2007-Present
First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01

Dr. Portcullis is the Forensic Pathologist for the team, specialist in autopsying the dead. She is a feisty, vivacious woman, whose sarcastic jibes often have the team “in stitches”. She has a latent, overt sexuality, that no-one would expect of a women who works in the morgue. She and Dylan frequently have “moments”, causing Dylan to question his devotion to God. The most recent of these occurred at the celebration of her 61st Birthday. She is set to get an apprentice in series four when Mortician Gilly Gristle joins the team, meaning that at times she can have a rest from the action.

[edit] Detective Huw Griffiths

Played by: Richard Coyle - 2007-Present
First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01

Griffiths is a hard-working man, and doesn’t tolerate fools gladly. He works hard to get results, and isn’t satisfied if he doesn’t get his man. His hard line and bigoted insults can make him difficult for the other members of the team to interact and work with. This hard exterior is seemingly a ruse covering for deep poetic vulnerability, only accessible by a woman’s touch. Was brought up on a farm, and is the team’s agricultural crime expert, being able to fingerprint any domesticated animal. His brother is notorious local cattle smuggler Danny Griffiths. Huw investigates Danny’s crimes in his free time, aiming to put him inside before he retires.

[edit] Detective Mario Wang

Played by: Clive Prosser - 2007-2010
First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
Last Appearance: 'Back, Sack & Crack' 4x13

Mario has the intensity that only a minority sidekick can have. He is the teams pinnacle of cool, continually positioned on the cutting edge of style and finesse. He unfortunately suffers with Tourettes Syndrome, with occasionally hampers his interview technique. Has an incredible knowledge of vintage baseball cards, made even more incredible by the fact that baseball cards aren’t available in the UK. He is set to contract an STI in the fourth series of the show and become involved in a relationship with newcomer Captain Jack Heartless. He is set to die at the end of the fourth series because the writers wanted to raise awareness of STI's/STD's.

[edit] Detective Jack Llewellyn

Played by: Huw Ceredig - 2007-Present
First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01-present

Ceredig plays Jack Llewellyn, ex-pimp turned cop turned detective

As a Detective he often accompanies the team to the scene of the crime, and often makes biting sarcastic comments that aren’t really appreciated by anyone. Has bettered himself by becoming a police officer (later a Detective), relinquishing his former job as a kingpin pimp/drummer for ill-fated pop rock band Catatonia. Colleagues from his past often appear at the centre of investigations, and commonly make his life difficult. Hampered by a wife and two children, who are unaware of his former life, and is continually embarrassed by his step-sister, who is a former reality television star. On series 3 episode 3 he became the paranormal specialist after passing his GCSE for latin studies he took over from Vanessa Ayreshire. It has been rumoured that he will be stabbed in the back at the end of series five when Vanessa makes a return wanting her job back. when quized about this, producer Jerry Bruckhiemer stated "Look just back off ok? I don't want to give away any future storylines even though I already have. I am keeping that one under wraps...end of".

[edit] Sergeant John Sergeant

Played by: John Sergeant - 2009-2011
First Appearance: 'Everything Must Go' 3x02
Last Appearance: 'Leave Out All The Meths - Part One' 5x12

This character is introduced on the second episode of series three to help oversee the investigation in Woolworths. He is the sergeant that is in charge of the police constables like PC Ray Stokes. He is often seen dragging the culprits along the floor and into the cells. He is described as having two right feet. Sometimes his sister can be seen in a cameo Jo Sergeant (played by Jo Brand). He is rumoured to get more screen time during series 4 in 2010 and is set to get involved in an up and coming drugs scandel involving crystal meth, which may or may not cost him his job.

[edit] PC Ray Stokes

Played by: Ricky Gervais as David Brent as Andy Millman as Ray Stokes - 2008-2011
First Appearance: 'Master's Club' 2x06
Last Appearance: 'Leave Out All The Meths - Part Two' 5x13

Ray was previously the manager of some sort of company. He joins the team after Father Dylan decides he needs a lesser successful comedian to play a part in the show. His role is that of police constable to the team. He is seen many times closing off scenes or doing paperwork for Dylan. He is very new to the whole police thing; he spent many a year working in industry until the credit crunch forced him to close his factory. He knows little about the police force and often he cannot believe what is going on. On many occasions he is told what happened to the victim, to which his response/catchphrase is "Are you having a laugh!? Is she/he having a laugh?" The character was based on a man that nobody or very few people liked. To play the part of Ray, Gervais was forced into wearing oversized glasses and a curly black wig to add the "hilarity", despite the fact that it isn't really that funny. The character is to leave the show in its fifth series as Ricky wants to try other things. "I have other stuff in the pineline. Lots more things like this and lots more waving! I also plan to write a film called RICKY! which I hope will star myself and that women who shouts the name from Eastenders. The film will be about a failing overweight dad who trains to become a boxer". Stokes will leave the show in the latter part of series five when he and Sergeant John Sergeant discover and piss about with some crystal meth.

[edit] Mortician Gilly Gristle

To be played by: Alex Bulgo – 2010-Present
First Appearance: ‘Bash & Curry’ 4x02

The character will be introduced at the start of series four. The writers have given away very little about the future character. Prior to joining the team, Gilly owned a curry house – one of Swansea’s best until the team found he was serving human remains in his curries and his building is later condemned. Scared of what the prison inmates do to men like him, Gilly asks Dylan if he can join the team and Dylan accepts. He is very backward when it comes to technology and thinks that a fire wall on a computer is when someone sets fire to the IT suite. He is always seen in a tweed jacket, an item of clothes he cannot do without. He still refers to radio as the wireless despite the fact that he is only 31. He is not married as most women leave him when they take his money yet he still lives in a semi. He once saw an areoplane fly over his house while he was watering his pond. His favourite song of all time is ‘Staring At The Rude Boys’ by The Ruts. He also knows little about hygiene in his work related area and is often seen dissecting bodies with no gloves on and while he is eating his lunch. He will become the apprentice of Audrey Portcullis in series four.

[edit] Temp. Chief Detective Captain Jack Heartless

To be played by: John WheelBarrowman - 2010
First Appearance: 'All Wrapped Up' 4x07

The character will be introduced in episode seventh of series four when he is asked by Paula Evans to oversee opperations in Swansea while Father Dylan is away in Hull. He will be played by John WheelBarrowman and yes he will be gay....infact the shows first gay character. He is set to embark on an affair with Detective Mario Wang during series four, who also reveals himself to be gay. He will leave in the series four finale so that Dylan can return to the fold. The whole point of casting such a character is because the writers and the producers wanted a bent (in both ways) lead character and someone who was well known that they could fill Lee Evans' slot on the show (not like that you dirty people!) until Father Dylan returned. Jerry Bruckthingy has stated that the character will leave at the end of series four but has stated that he will not die as he made a secret deal with John [WheelBarrowman] in a hotel room for a 16 episode deal. Therefore the skylight will be left open for the character to return at a later date. Speaking of the character Jerry said: "I intend Heartless to be a recurring villain from series four out. Someone like Blofeld from the Bond films or The Hood from Thunderbirds. That sort of thing"

[edit] PC Jessica Jones

To be played by: Lesley Manville – 2010-Present
First Appearance: Shit Happens 4x10

Jessica is set to be an ice queen and is also described as a "bird who cannot smile properly" as her past life is hidden away when she used to work as a market trader in Swansea market. She also has a crazy mum who frequently enters Jessica's office like a drunk. Jessica decided to turn her life around and studied her Physical Education GCSE which gave her the chance to work as a Police Constable. She arrives on the show when the team find that several women have been left naked in laundary baskets on a beach. Dylan brings her into the fray after he discovers that when there has been a female victim, PC Ray Stokes has been posing as a female to confort them.

[edit] Paula Evans

To be played by: Dawn French – 2010-Present
First Appearance: ‘All Wrapped Up’ 4x07

Paula will be a recurring role on the show from the middle of series four. She will be played by Dawn French who hasn't had a decent gig since the original 'French & Saunders'. Paula is set to be the team’s connection to Whitehall, The Prime Minister and the other CSI departments across the globe. She is very fat, apart from that little else is known about her. She is first seen in the series four episode All Wrapped Up where she meets with Father Dylan giving him the opportunity to help set up operations in Hull, an offer which he accepts. According to the producers she will have a pivetal role in series four and five of the show as she generates her own gravitational pull.

Confirmed Departures:

Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins (Lee Evans): Will leave early on during series five in an episode called 'The Nut House'. Apparently he simply disappears and is replaced by Chris Palmer.
Temp. Chief Detective Captain Jack Heartless (John WheelBarrowman): Will take over from Dylan on a temporary basis from the mid-point in series four. He will then leave the show at the end of that series and will become a recurring character.
Detective Mario Wang (Clive Prosser): Will leave in the series four finale after he catches and STI/STD off a toilet seat. Oh yeah and he will also be shot!
Sergeant John Sergeant (John Sergeant): Will get caught in possession and pissing about with Crystal Meth during series five.
PC Ray Stokes (Ricky Gervais): Will also get caught in possession and pissing about with Crystal Meth during series five.

Confirmed Characters For Series Five & Beyond:

Chief Detective Chris Palmer (Vic Reeves) : This dude will arrive on the show as a normal guy (apparently) investigating his brothers 'death'. He is then drafted into the team by Father Dylan Jenkins in episode three of series five and when Dylan disappears in the following episode he will be appointed leader by Paula Evans.
Captain Sophie Ingstad (Joanna Page) : The teams new head of security following the whole affair with Captain Jack Heartless at the end of series four. Her job will be to stop anymore of the team ending up dead which is highly unlikely for a show like this and also highly unlikely in Swansea. She will have a lot of men beneath her (not sexually!) which she will control. She will be the teams armed back-up from series five episode one. Joanna Page from Gavin and Stacey has been cast in the role. Ironically if you take the first initials of her name and place them behind the initial of her job title you get 'CSI'.
Detective Bertie Packer (Brian Blessed) : The replacement for Detective Mario Wang. He will arrive at the start of the first episode of series five. He is said to old, wise and very very loud. Brian Blessed was cast in a full time role on the show after he proved so popular in a guest stint in a series three episode.
Sergeant Dicky Cox (John Madox) : This guy will become the new Sergeant when Sergeant John Sergeant is forced to leave over a future drugs scandal.
Dr. Gweneth Copper (Eve Myles) : Talks with a welsh accent, will be refered to as "the welsh one". She will shag anything that moves and will be married to a man called Rice............Tim Rice.

[edit] Guest Stars

Henson played an idiot. This part is was not a stretch for him

Gavin Henson appeared in one episode as absolute idiot. Tom Jones appeared as paedophilic crime boss in A Child's Killing in Wales. Rhys Ifans contributed to the series, but in a catering capacity. Everyones getting a slice of the action Andrew Sachs appeared in a cameo he works in a hotel and gets annoying answerphone messages from two radio presenters for no reason at all.

[edit] Former Characters

[edit] Detective Nerys Blackhand

Played by: Charlotte Church (Thank God she took the part as it prevented another album) - 2007-2008
First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
Last Appearance: 'Father Dylan Dies...Or Does He?' 2x13

Church played socialite spy Blackhand. The character was a stretch for her, as she can't act

Blackhand came from the rich side of Swansea, and used her upper social class contacts to gain leads on local drug dealers and pimps. Her privileged upbringing often caused her to be slightly out of touch with the everyday man on the street, and so she was often reserved for cases of similar social stature to hers. She moonlighted on weekends as a City Hall employed garbage collector, to rebel against the oppressive fathering of her mother, the Mayor of Swansea. The character was killed off at the end of series two in the episode 'Father Dylan Dies, Or Does He?' in which the team try and find Father Dylan in a church, irony of ironies Charlotte Church's character is in the church when it blows up killing the character off. 1x01-2x13

[edit] Detective Vanessa McAyreshire

Played by: Chantelle Houghton - 2007-2009,
First Appearance: 'The Pilot - Part One' 1x01
Last Appearance: 'Wrongfully Accused? Or Was He? Part One' 3x05

She was the team’s paranormal specialist. She was hardly used. Jenkins fought for the termination of her post so the team can have a bullet proof jacket each, as opposed to their current one on, one off system. She knew very little about crime or scientific practice (which is fortunate, as neither do the audience), and so commonly needs had to have details explained (which is also fortunate). On episode 5 of series 3 she was fired by Jenkins after the team found out how thick she really is.

[edit] Episodes

[edit] Series 1 - 2007

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
1	The Pilot – Part One	Jerry Bruckheimer	10th September 2007	Ironically the victim is a pilot found after a run-in with a moving propeller, however; only part of him is found But was it an accident? First Appearance of Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins, Dr. Audrey Portcullis, Detective Huw Griffiths, Detective Mario Wang, Detective Jack Llewellyn, Detective Nerys Blackhand & Detective Vanessa McAyreshire	1.5 Million Viewers
2	The Pilot – Part Two	Jerry Bruckheimer	17th September 2007	Continuing the previous story, the team find the other part of the pilot and continue to investigate the case. But was it an accident?	34 Million Viewers
3	How Red is My Valley?	Alan Woods	24th September 2007	A sous chef is found in a bloody gut-pile at the bottom of a traditional Welsh Valley. But was it an accident?	10 Million Viewers (ITV was showing a usually shit ITV drama when this episode aired)
4	Die Dai Die	Ivor Allchurch	1st October 2007	A man is found impaled on one of Swansea’s famed Three Cliffs. But was it an accident?	200,000 Viewers (X Factor was on)
5	The Implausible Link	Keith Allen	8th October 2007	A thrilling pair of cases that require link ups with CSI departments across the Atlantic. But is it an accident?	1.2 Million Viewers
6	The Porn Ultimatum	Kingsley Amis	15th October 2007	A porn shop starts to attract the wrong crowd in Swansea, and a protest breaks out into a fight leading to the death of someone’s cat. But was it an accident?	Everyone in the UK
7	A Child’s Killing in Wales	Jimmy Austin	22nd October 2007	A child is found dead in a playground. But was it an accident?	2 Million Viewers
8	Skin Town	Mary Balogh	29th October 2007	A woman is found dead, flayed to the bone. But was it an accident?	2.2 Million Viewers
9	A Case Re-opened	Rob Brydon	5th November 2007	A child finds a briefcase in a shop and hands it to the team. Inside is a shit load of cash and a gun. Dylan sees the connection to a similar case back in the 1960's - even though he was not alive then - and decides to investigate. But was it an accident?	9.9 Million Viewers
10	The Wettest Story Ever Told	Nicole Cooke	12th November 2007	The team work on case that involves the Swansea Bay barrage and a group of hoodies who are working for a gang that wants to blow up the barrage flooding part of Swansea in order to look 'Well 'ard' to another group of hoodies. But was it an accident?	Not a lot of Viewers!
11	The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill, But Came Down … Dead	John Charles	19th November 2007	A man is found dead, alongside a revolver with his ex-wife’s fingerprints on it. But was it an accident?	2.9 Million Welsh Viewers and 1 Insulted Englishman
12	One To Go	Mel Charles	26th November 2007	While waiting in Starbucks for a take-away coffee, Detective Jack Llewellyn is taken hostage when a gang breaks in and shoots half the unknown cast dead leaving Llewellyn the only one alive. But was it an accident?	Whoever could be bothered to watch
13	Dead Of Heaven – Part One	Jerry Bruckheimer	3rd December 2007	Three religious studies students are found dead in their dorms, with a blood stained dagger and a confession in their communal kitchen, signed by their previously convicted cleaner. But was it an accident?	666 Insane People
14	2007 Christmas Special: The CodFather	Jerry Bruckheimer	18th December 2007	The team take a break from trying to solve the case they were conducting at the end of the First Series and go out, where they meet a pair of failing gay comedians who own a chip shop where there have been murders for days despite the fact that the shop is open at all times. In addition; the murders are destroying the owners civil partnership. While the team investigates the murders, the failing comedians say cheap puns like: I Bet They Got Battered Guest Stars: Graham Norton as Gavin, Alan Carr as Stacey, Stephen Hawking as Swansea City AFC Hooligan, Heather Mills McCuntney as The joinery shop owner	1 Million Viewers

[edit] Series 2 - 2008

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Original Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
15	Dead Of Heaven – Part Two	Jerry Bruckheimer	2nd January 2008	The team still can't work out how those students died and the confession is mistaken for a recipe for revenge	6,666,666 Mental People
16	M&S: Murder & Shopping	Alan Woods	9th January 2008	A man caught on CCTV kills people as he does his weekly shop. But is it an accident? Did those tins of beans just come to life? * Guest Starring: Anthony Hopkins as the killer	1,234,567 Million Viewers
17	Ashes To Ashes - Bust To Bust	Chris Coleman	16th January 2008	The team are called in to investigate when at their parents funeral a brother and sister have a bust up in which the sister claims the brother could get his hands on their parents money as he was near broke due to the credit crunch. But was it an accident?	1 Viewer, everyone else had something better to do!
18	CSI: SwanMi	Jerry Bruckheimer	23rd January 2008	CSI Miami come to Swansea to experience the tropical weather while solving a crime about the murder of a corner shop owner who got a Pringles tube rammed up his arse when he fell from a gunshot wound. But is it an accident? * Guest Starring: The cast of CSI: Miami. The ones that could be arsed to fly to Swansea to film	7,654,321 Viewers
19	The Lion, The Witch & the Whoredrobe	Alan Woods	30th January 2008	The team leads a raid on one of Swansea's brothels and discover at least 12 prostitutes tied up and gagged in an IKEA wardrobe. It turns out that they are being exploited by their bosses who are nicknamed 'The Lion' and 'The Witch' who let clients rape them. But was it an accident?	Every man in the UK
20	Masters Club	Robert Croft	6th February 2008	The team meets the owner of a new club, his name is Master Bates. The team decides to work for him on his special operations forgetting they are officers of the law. But was it an accident? * Guest Starring: Hugh Hefner) as Master Bates First appearance of PC Ray Stokes	8008IES Viewers
21	Terror Wrist	Nick Wire	13th February 2008	On a new housing development, construction workers find a severed wrist which is holding an armed detonator. Dylan meanwhile drives around Swansea for 40-odd minutes trying to find out whom the arm belongs to and if there is a bomb. But was it an accident?	481.151.162.342 Viewers
22	The Bay - Part One	Chris Coleman	20th February 2008	A dead man is washed up on the bay of Swansea and the team goes across the world looking for the killer with no leads. But was it an accident?	1,000,000 Viewers
23	The Bay - Part Two	Chris Coleman & Lisa Lee Dark	27th February 2008	They still haven't found the killer. But was it an accident?	999,999.99 Viewers
24	The Bay - Part Three	Mervyn Davies	5th March 2008	The team discover from an autopsy the man died of drowning. Three pointless episodes and a sky high budget for nothing. But was it an accident?	999,999.98 Viewers
25	You've Been Framed	Mike Gibbins & Someone else	12th March 2008	A picture frame shop owner is arrested by Swansea police for the murder of a teenager. The shop owner claims he is innocent and asks for the teams help to prove it. Father Dylan and the gang rattle off some cheap puns like: "Hey mate, you've been framed" and "Ha-ha just kidding mate. God you should have seen your face then, it was a right picture!" But was it an accident?	10 Million Viewers
26	I Canoe It	James Henry Govier	19th March 2008	Father Dylan and the team are investigating a case which has a connection to a case from 5 years ago when a man apparently died in a canoeing accident, yet what they discover is that he didn't actually die. But was it an accident?	Everyone apart from that bloke that disappeared in a canoeing accident
27	Father Dylan Dies, Or Does He?	Jerry Bruckheimer	26th March 2008	After the disappearance of their boss and an explosion at a church, the team are not sure if Father Dylan dies. Let the investigations begin! Last appearance of Detective Nerys Blackhand	2,500,000 Viewers
28	2008 Christmas Special: The Break-in Benders	Jerry Bruckheimer	14th December 2008	The team investigate a string of break-ins which have resulted in peoples Xmas presents going missing. They track the culprits down (who are gay) and let them go in exchange for a bribe: all the presents that were stolen. The team agree and then return the presents in time for Christmas lunch which ends up burnt after someone leaves in the oven too long, as a result they all go out for a KFC. Guest Stars: David Tennent: As The Tenth Doctor, Tony Blair: As Middle East Envoy, Simon Pegg: As a washing line in the background when the woman who is being interviewed is hanging out clothes, Paul O' Grady: As the camp guy that owns the club the team go into, James May: As the bloke on the pushbike, Russell Howard: As Russell Brand as himself with a better hairstyle despite the fact that it was a wig, Jonathan: As Jonathan Ross as himself, Unknown Teen: As the teenager who swears at the cameras when the actors were being filmed. He was arrested shortly after filming	1,001,110 Viewers

[edit] Series 3 - 2009

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Original Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
29	After All We Have Been Through	Jerry Bruckheimer	2nd January 2009	One of those episodes where everyone sits down either in their office, or in a pub or in a house drinking an alcoholic drink and chats about their previous adventures. In other words it will merely be a way to milk the series and make as much money as possible by showing us flashbacks of things we have seen before. But was it an accident?	2,500,000 Viewers
30	Everything Must Go	Nick Wire & Alan Woods	9th January 2009	A woman enters a branch of Woolworths where she kills everyone and takes all the stock. She then repeats the same to all the other stores nationwide and as a result of Woolworths having no staff or stock left they are forced to close. But was it an accident? * Guest Starring: Barry from EastEnders as a till operator First Appearance of Sergeant John Sergeant	2,499,999 Viewers
31	How To Get A Head In Business	Lisa Lee Dark	16th January 2009	The team are called to a newly opened company on the Swansea industrial site where a postman has delivered a severed head in a box to the manager, who claims a rival company may have sent it. But was it an accident?	2,499,997 Viewers
32	The Wine-ing	Mary Balogh	23rd January 2009	The team become concerned when large numbers of teenagers are omitted to hospital to have their stomachs pumped, while some of the worst die. Autopsies reveal that they have died due to drinking a deadly cocktail of homebrew. But was it an accident?	2,499,996 Viewers
33	Wrongfully Accused? Or Was He? Part One	Mike Gibbins & Sean Mathias	30th January 2009	An actor who had previously accused of killing someone who is not named in the episode or shown is released due to a lack of evidence, but when more bodies start piling up the team re-open the case to discover whether the man was wrongfully accused as he claims or to see if he is putting on an act. But was it an accident? Last appearance of Detective Vanessa McAyreshire	2,499,998 Viewers
34	Wrongfully Accused? Or Was He? Part Two	Sean Mathias & John Hartson	6th February 2009	After spending the first twenty minutes recapping the events of the previous episode the team continue to discover if the man was wrongfully accused or if he is lying. It then drags on for absolutely ages until the last five minutes when one team member finds the evidence in the waste bin which has not been emptied.	999.99 Viewers
35	James Die-Son	Nicole Cooke	13th February 2009	The remains of a man called James are found in an elderly mans vacuum cleaner. The team cannot work out where the man was trying to clean the device and got stuck inside causing him to split into several pieces or whether his father. But was it an accident?	1 Million Viewers & 31,000 complaints
36	They Were Dead in the Bed	Paul Moriarty	20th February 2009	A couple on their honeymoon with their 15 year old son who is three years younger than the mother are all found murdered in their bridal bed. But was it an accident?	27.6 Million
37	The Sound of Bleeding Eardrums	Ian Hislop	27th February 2009	Several people are found dead and autopsies reveal their ear drums had burst, the shock of which all led to their deaths. There is then a race against time to find the culprit who turns out to be a noisy television presenter who is later caught and given a 20% pay cut by the BBC. But was it an accident? * Guest Starring: Brian Blessed as the noisy TV Presenter	1,000,000,000,000 Viewers
38	Derby Murdering Scum	Colin Jones	6th March 2009	A Swansea fan is murdered at a game between Swansea and Cardiff. He is found dead lying forward with a Cardiff fans flag waving out of his ass, because of this the team want revenge on the murderer. But was it an accident?	15.3.8 Viewers
39	Father, Brother, Mother?	Tony Lewis	13th March 2009	The team’s leadership is put to the test when Father Dylan's brother turns up in Swansea asking for help with a DIY project, leaving the rest of the team to solve the case of a girl who claims her mother abused her. But was it an accident?	Not Many
40	The KFC Killer	Iris Gower	20th March 2009	The team are trying to catch a man who poisoned a bloke’s bargain bucket and urinated in his coke. But was it an accident?	10 Viewers
41	The End of Series Finale Where Nothing Happens Until Right At The Very End (Part One Of Two)	Jerry Bruckheimer	27th March 2009	A lengthy finale in which the team try to track down a cereal killer after supermarkets come under attack. Towards the end there is a car chase around Swansea's one-way system ending in a massive fireball as one of the cars plows into a tanker which is conveniently placed in the middle of the road. But was it an accident? * Guest Starring: That bloke who was in The Bill, Then left to join Corrie for a while before he played a mute in Silent Witness	6.4 Million Viewers
42	2009 Christmas Special: The Wet Dream (Part Two Of Two)	Jerry Bruckheimer	25th December 2009	Most of this episode will be taken up by all the remaining cast crying over the beds of the dead or dying colleagues, which is pointless as it is later revealed this entire story will be a wet dream as Father Dylan wakes up in bed next to his wife who knows nothing about the events of this story -In short, a bit like that Dallas episode. Guest Stars: Barry from Eastenders: As a paperboy, Harold from the Halifax: As bloke in papershop, Ray Charles: As ballet teacher, Ross Kemp and that other bloke that plays his brother: As Phil and Grant Mitchell as the bald blokes in the pub who look at the the team in an evil way, Julie Graham: As the women who appears in every BBC drama, Catherine Tate: As the main cast members wife who is not bothered that her husband has just had a wet dream, Gordon Brown: As the bloke who gets punched in the Pub	TBA

[edit] Series 4 - 2010

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Original Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
43	She’s Faking It	Lisa Lee Dark	1st January 2010	A husband accuses his wife of faking her orgasms so the team go in to investigate.	TBA
44	Bash & Curry	Jimmy Austin	1st January 2010	One of Swansea’s famous Curry Houses is under an investigation after a family find human remains in the Chicken Ticka Curry. But was it an accident? First appearance of Mortician Gilly Gristle	TBA
45	One Quiet Night	Alan Woods	8th January 2010	The team play twister after nothing happens during the night shift. But was it an accident?	TBA
46	A Slippery Assignment	James Henry Govier	15th January 2010	A teenager is found dead in a back alley with a head wound after slipping on a banana skin. But was it an accident?	TBA
47	The Father Did It	John Charles & Chris Coleman	22nd January 2010	A traditional Swansea family is found murdered at their home. But was it an accident	TBA
48	Murder At The Manor	Colin Jones	29th January 2010	The team investigate when a man is found dead at a manor house. But was it an accident? Meanwhile, PC Ray Stokes goes out of his way to find someone’s stolen Dominoes pizza	TBA
49	All Wrapped Up	Robert Croft	5th February 2010	The body of someone is found inside their wrapped birthday presents - but was it an accident? First appearance of Chief Detective Captain Jack Heartless & Paula Evans Temporary departure of Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins	TBA
50	One Way	Nicole Cooke	12th February 2010	The team are called to the scene of a car crash where the victim is smashed against the oil pan of the car while travelling down a one-way street. But was it an accident?	TBA
51	Shit Happens	Alan Woods & Paul Moriarty	19th February 2010	The team are called in to investigate when a group of gorgeous fashion models are found naked and unconscious in laundry baskets on a beach. But was it an accident? Parental Advisory recommended - contains the naked top half of a woman. First appearance of PC Jessica Jones	TBA
52	Athletes Foot	Nick Wire	26th February 2010	The team deal with the Pedestrianisation of Swansea city centre which has resulted in the attempted murder of an athlete, whom happens to be one of the people against the scheme. * Guest Starring: Alan Partridge as the bloke discussing the Pedestrianisation of the city centre	TBA
53	Teenage Wasteland	Iris Gower	5th March 2010	Three teenagers are found dead on wasteland after a drinking binge. But was it an accident?	TBA
54	Lord Of The Rims	Mary Balogh	12th March 2010	Mario Wang catches incurable Chlamydia from the toilet seat in Heartless' flat and is told by his GP that he is going to die. Meanwhile; the team investigates whent the local police station has its toilets nicked, leaving officers with nothing to go on. But was it an accident?	TBA
55	Back, Sack & Crack	Robert Croft & Nick Wire	12th March 2010	Heartless reveals to the team that he is bent in more ways than one after he has kidnapped them, holding them hostage in an abandoned warehouse so that they cannot stop his drug deal with gangster Carl Caine from taking place. Meanwhile; Dylan returns to Swansea and discovers that his team have been taken hostage. With no idea where they are he sets out to find them before something terrible happens, and obviously something terrible does happen. But was it an accident? First appearance of Gangster Carl Caine & return of Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins Last appearance of Detective Mario Wang	TBA

[edit] Series 5 - 2010-2011

For the fifth series of the show, Lee Evans will leave as the main character. Full details for series five have now been released, so here they are:

Episode Number	Episode Title	Written By	Original Airdate (UK)	Short Summary	Number of Viewers
56	The Brazilian Job	Lisa Lee Dark	December 2010	A bikini waxing goes wrong and a woman dies, meanwhile the team get used to working with Mario Wangs loud replacement Detective Bertie Packer. But was it an accident? First Appearance of Detective Bertie Packer & Captain Sophie Ingstad	TBA
57	Farenhiet: Minus 21 Degrees	Nicole Cooke	December 2010	At a butchers shop, the owner is found locked in his freezer - an action which led to his death. But was it an accident?	TBA
58	In Which We Meet Chris Palmer	Alan Woods & Chris Coleman	December 2010	A series of murders from the early 1980's comes back to haunt the team when a copycat murder takes place. Dylan sends the team to investigate at a haunted house where the most recent murder has occured as he cannot be bothered. While there; the rest of the team meet a science expert and teacher at the local university - Chris Palmer. But was it an accident? First Appearance of Chris Palmer	TBA
59	The Nut House	Robert Croft	December 2010	At one of Swanseas many "Nut Houses" where a killing spree has taken place. Dylan realises that the man responcible is the same man who tried to kill him on 17th June 1997. Thinking that this may be another attempt to kill Dylan the team try and make him go and live at a safe house, yet during a fight, Dylan mysteriously disappears. But was it an accident? Last Appearance of Chief Detective Father Dylan Jenkins	TBA
60	The Drugernaut	Iris Gower	January 2011	Carl Caine's unstoppable gang of drug dealers invade part of Swansea selling their "poison" while the team are in dire straights in the wake of Dylan's mysterious disappearance leading to Paula Evans to hire and promote Chris Palmer to Chief Detective after his university accuses him of sleeping with students in order for them to get their degree. Meanwhile; Sergeant John Sergeant and PC Ray Stokes come across a statch of Cystal Meth. But was it an accident?	TBA
61	One Finger, One Thumb Don't Move	Sean Mathias	January 2011	A man cuts his hands off with hedge trimmers. But was it an accident?	TBA
62	Press "M" For Murderousness	Tony Lewis & Alan Woods	January 2011	At a local Travelodge a guest has been found folded neatly within the trouser press in the room he was staying. But was it an accident?	TBA
63	Little Dead Riding Hood	Lisa Lee Dark	January 2011	A prosititute is found dead and the only witness to the murder is a group of primary school kids who saw what happened. With their help the team track down the rapist and murderer and bring him back to HQ where he is allowed to roam free and locks himself in the main opperations room with Dr. Audrey Portcullis. But was it an accident?	TBA
64	Four Love, For Money	Jimmy Austin	February 2011	Following her recent life or/and death experience, Audrey Portcullis resigns and heads out to find the love of her life - Father Dylan Jenkins. While at a student flat, four students are found dead with the wrists slit covered in freshly printed cash. But was it an accident? Last appearance of Dr. Audrey Portcullis	TBA
65	Bummer Of 69 Richardson Road	Mike Gibbins	February 2011	A gay man is living at 69 Richardson Road is accused of kidnapping several women that have gone missing, meanwhile Sergeant John Sergeant and PC Ray Stokes try to dispose of the Crystal Meth they have been stockpiling. But was it an accident?	TBA
66	The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Tooth	Robert Croft	February 2011	Paula Evans and Chief Detective Chris Palmer discover the statch of Crystal Meth that Sergeant John Sergeant and PC Ray Stokes have been hiding and suspend them from duty, leaving the remaining members of the team to investigate when a patient is found dead in the opperating chair at her local dentist. But was it an accident?	TBA
67	Leave Out All The Meths - Part One	Sean Mathias	March 2011	Carl Caine is back in town wanting the meths that were stolen from his gang back in "The Drugernaut" and a power blackout in Swansea causes all the criminals in the cells to escape, resulting in the end for one member of the team. But was it an accident? Last appearance of Sergeant John Sergeant	TBA
68	Leave Out All The Meths - Part Two	Alan Woods & Mike Gibbens	March 2011	The team spend the entire episode tracking down the criminals that escaped from the cells and mourning Sergeant John Sergeant's death, giving a group of chavs the oppertunity to go robbing down Lidls. But was it an accident? Last appearance of PC Ray Stokes	TBA

[edit] Future Series'

Another series of the show have been comissioned due to low ratings even before the fourth and fifth series of the show have aired. The sixth series will apprently pick up several months after the ending to the fifth series and will feature a new character to replace Audrey Portcullis, whom has yet to be revealed. In addition several episode plot-lines have been planned out, these include an episode in which a man (apprently a builder) falls from some scaffolding breaking both his legs in the process. This will result in him being put in a wheelchair for the duration of the episode and using a digital camera to fill in his time. While taking pictures with the camera he will apprently witness a murder and try and convince the team (who will be wasted at this point) that he saw the killing. The episode is expected to be called: "Rear View-Mirror".

Another episode which is said to feature backstreet abortions and a story where men can go and get the snip is called "How Stella Got Her Tube Packed". "Austin Prowler: The Man Of Mystery" will be an episode that centres around the team trying to track down a man called Austin who has been following ladies home from a nightclub. "When Harry Ate Sally" will apprently be an episode where a canibal called Harry goes around eating people, including a women he was dating called Sally while another episode will feature the team trying to stop a group of terrorists detonating a germ bomb at a car boot sale. This episode is said to be called "Close Encounters Of The Germ Kind". The final known episode is apprently called "What Lies Beneath The Garden Patio" in which several bodies will be found under a patio on a new housing estate.

The fifth and following series are said to focus on the team members more often and there is said to be a complicated love-pentagon, when they all start dating each other. John WheelBarrowman will also return as a regular following the fifth series in a story that will apprently shock viewers, especially as he will return naked!! You have been warned!

[edit] Trivia

Swansea is a city and county in Wales.
Charlotte Church' character was removed from the show because people wanted to see her to suffer.
Lee Evans' stunt double died from eating a bad pasty during filming.
Ray Stokes is actually played by Ricky Gervais after he failed to take on the US film market.
Sometimes Cardiff doubles for parts of Swansea.
The same actors and actresses have been used to play the victims over and over.
The car explosion at the end of series three was achieved by attaching some fireworks to a toy Corgi car which was fired in the direction of a toy petrol tanker.
Two boom microphone operators vanished during the filming of series two, UFO's were spotted over Swansea at the time, which was 10:30pm.
Real human remains are used for every episode. These are taken from the bodies of those that die in knife and gun crime around Swansea.
John Sergeant who plays Sergeant John Sergeant in series 3 onward, was taken to court after one female accused his character of dragging her character into the cells while she was lying on the floor which resulted in her getting carpet burn, the producers and Sergeant were not charged but the carpet was taken into police custody.
Lee Evans often films his Live at the Apollo stints while he is breaking from filming CSI Swansea.
Lee Evans' character wears odd socks in every episode of the show.
Charlotte Church sued the producers and writers of the show after the decision was taken to remove her character from the running. She was successful in doing this and used the money she made to start up her own chat show on Channel Four, which like her character on this show - is shit!
Oystermouth Castle which is in Swansea has never featured in the show.
In the series two story 'The Bay' numerous wide shots show a volcano in the background. There is not actually a volcano in Swansea.
Two cats were not harmed during the making of the series.
To save money aerial shots of Swansea were taken using Google Earth and Google Maps.
Lee Evans was shot 4 times while making the show - all the attempts were accidents of course!
Ricky Gervais lost his virginity on the set of the show.
Some people believe that if there is a series 7 there will be a crossover episode with Songs of Praise.
The BBC & Jerry Thingy have denied rumours of a feature film as they are just going too far.
Charlotte Church's character did not appear in the 2007 Christmas special - The Codfather as a result of public demand.
The BBC says that they have enough crap material to keep the show running to the end of the earth.
The programme is filmed all year round to save cast members from taking the lead in a shit ITV drama/documentary.

[edit] DVD Release

So far only series one has been released on DVD by the BBC, yet the Beeb has announced dates in which the second and third series will be released.

Cover Art	Series	Episodes	Bonus Features	Release Date (UK)
Cover for Series 1	The Complete Series One	The Pilot - Part One (1x01) - Dead Of Heaven - Part One (1x13) & The Codfather (2007 Xmas Special)	Bonus Disc: Living On My Own Comic Relief 2007 Music Video, Series 2 Trailer and full Plot-details, Deleted Scenes, Outtakes, Richard & Judy Interview, Audio Commentaries on some of the episodes, behind the scenes of the christmas special and Lee Evans Promotional Appearence On The One Show	11th February 2009
Cover for Series 2	The Complete Series Two	Dead Of Heaven - Part Two (2x01) - Father Dylan Dies. Or Does He? (2x13) & The Break-In Benders (2008 Xmas Special)	Bonus Disc: Series 3 Trailer and full plot-details, Deleated Scene where Charlotte Church's character survives, Outtakes, Charlotte Church interview on being killed off, another Richard & Judy interview, Audio Commentaries in 25 languages (Not English) and a behind the scenes look at the 2008 christmas special	1st April 2009

[edit] Charity Work

The cast has been involved in a few charities including RSPCVPO which stands for The Royal Society For The Protection And Care Of Violent Pet Owners and they have also been involved in Adultline the charity for adults getting attacked by young children and elderley people. The cast has also recorded a single for comic relief ready for the event.

[edit] Comic Relief Charity Single 2007(Living On My Own)

Living On My Own

Single Art	Never Released
Type	Cheesy Re-made 80's disco music
Creator	Lord Voldemort
Performed By	Father Dylan Jack Llewelyn Huw Griffiths Audrey Portcullis
Certificate	None
Running Length	Unknown

BBC 3 has announced the team will perform a charity single in aid of Comic Relief playing the classic song Living On My Own by Freddie Mercury 10% of profits will go to charity.

Father Dylan - Vocals
Huw Griffiths and Jack Llewelyn - Synthesizers
Audrey Portcullis - Violin
Bruce Forsyth - Ballroom dancer in music video

Note: Despite the fact that the single was made for comic relief, the compact disc of the song has yet to be released despite the fact that the event is well and trully over.

[edit] Comic Relief Charity Single 2009 (Never Gonna Give You Up)

As previously the cast and remaining crew will be involved in the Comic Relief proceedings for 2009. It has been revealed that there will be a new single for 2009, which will be called 'Never Gonna Give You Up' after the Rick Astley song. The crew will play instruments while the cast make fools out of themselves by singing to Astley's tune and doing that awful dance routine. The video for the new single will also be available on the night and later on internet site YouTube. The video will feature clips of the crew and cast playing instruments and singing and dancing, while clips from the first three series of the show will be intercut into the video to take up some time. The CD will be released later through the Crimes Against Music record company.

Father Dylan - Vocals
Huw Griffiths and Jack Llewelyn - Synthesizers & Keyboard
Audrey Portcullis - Drums
Ray Stokes - Electric Guitar
Sergeant John Sergeant - Tambourine & Triangle
All - Cheesy dance in music video

[edit] The Comic Relief 2009 Special Episode - Never Gonna Give You Up

There is also going to be a 30 second comic relief special in 2009, also named 'Never Gonna Give You Up', the plot details are as follows:

A father (Rick Astley) tries to protect his son (Barry from EastEnders) after the son accidently kills his brother (Desmond from Lost) in a boating accident (actually a full sized boat placed in front of a green screen). The team then investigate the case to get to the truth while the father continues to help his son hide what he has done. The episode will feature lines like 'Dad, you don't have to continue to protect me, it’s going to get out sooner or later, you might as well go to the police now and give me up' to which Astley's character will respond 'Son.......I'm never gonna give you up!' this will then be followed by Rick's song and video with that cheesy dance which will be added due to popular demand to end the special.

Guest Stars:

Rick Astley as the Father
Barry from EastEnders as the Fat Older Brother That Is Still Alive
Desmond from Lost as the Dead 'Brother'

The special episode was broadcast on 13th March 2009 at 9:48pm and 42 seconds.

v • d • e

CSI: Swansea is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.