CSI: Balamory

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PcPlum
Pc Plum inspects the evidence

This is a rather interesting show about the crime scene investigators in Balamory. It's made by the standard CSI:* theme, with its own personal touch.

The Theme Tune is played to the CSI theme tune with the following lyrics: What's the story in Balamory, Who has been killed today?

Premise

Created for British television by Jerry Bruckheimer the show is a Scottish children's version of the popular US crime drama series CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Taking a similar format to the US show, CSI: Balamory follows the lives of a group of characters that live in the fictional small island community of Balamory in Scotland. The show follows the exploits of these people as they go about their day to day lives as well as dealing with various crimes that occur within the local area.

The show features weaker and less gruesome stories than some of the other CSI shows as it is aired for children and often shown before the watershed. As a result it follows th efforts of a poorly funded Scottish Police Department (currently led by the character PC Bananarama) as they solve all sorts of crimes across Balamory with an occasional murder thrown in for good measure.

The show has been known for tackling many issues effecting todays modern youth such as theft, murder, missing people, incest, indecent exposure, lesbian and gay relationships, adult themes, terrorism, witness protection, eating disorders and so on. The show has been praised for pushing the boundaries of childrens television and raising important issues.

Funding

The show is completely funded by The Royal Bank Of Scotland.

Title Music

As with all the CSI shows the theme music is produced and sung by the English Rock Band - The Who. Unlike the main CSI show and its spin-off's CSI: Balamory has a stand alone theme sung by The Who that goes along the lines of:

  • CSI: Balamory! CSI: Balamory!
  • What's the story in Balamory, whose been murdered today?
  • What's the story in Balamory, were they killed because they were gay?
  • Will there be mutilated arms and feet with Pocket and Sweet? Is that where we should go?
  • CSI: Balamory!
  • Or up to the castle inventing an alibi with Archie? He's ever so clever and ever so barmy!
  • What's the story in Balamory? Why the hell do you want to know?
  • Choosing racist colours and drowning in paint; to Spencer we should go.
  • CSI: Balamory!
  • Or moving the evidence and bumping people off with Josie Jump? Would that be the story in Balamory?
  • What's the story in Balamory? Why would you like to know!
  • Shall we have fun as we cycle with Plum? No we shall not as he's got some important work on the go!
  • Or taking life easy with Edie McGredie? Wouldn't you like a go? So...
  • What's the story in Balamory? Whose been murdered today?
  • What's the story in Balamory? Were they murdered because they were gay?
  • CSI: Balamory! CSI: Balamory!
  • Here is the First/Second Miss Hoolie to tell us that story but how does is all begin?
  • Cut in half, shot in the head or whacked in the face with a bottle of gin?
  • Is today to die at home or get beaten because you're gay? Drowning in a pool or spying on the kids at the Nursery?
  • What's the story in Balamory? Why the hell would you want to know?
  • What's the story in Balamory? Tell us so we can go!
  • What's the story in Balamory? Whose been murdered today?
  • What's the story in Balamory? Were they murdered because they were gay?

...And it goes on like this. On the Soundtrack for the series the full theme song has been released which is actually twenty four minutes long making its use on the programme not possible as it would take up half the shows running time.

Characters

PC Bananarama

  • Played by: TBA: 2010-Present
  • First Appearance: A New Guy In The Old Town

PC Bananarama is the replacement for PC Plum having been sent to the village after Plum's apprent death to clean up the baddies after a crime wave in the wake of Plum's death. Like Plum he is named after a fruit, but unlike Plum he is also named after a band. He is tougher than PC Plum and has an actual motorbike as opposed to Plum's push bike. This is a fact that makes Spencer jelious. He has a think for The Second Miss Hoolie and despite several sexual encounters there has never been any confirmation on screen that anything long term is going on. He lives in PC Plum's old house and has a coffee cup which is the opposite of PC Plums, this time saying "World's Best Police Officer!". He had a maverick attitude to solving crime and a bit of a "fists first, talk later" policy to solving cases until The Second Miss Hoolie pointed out that this was wrong. He likes sports, poker, snooker and can hold his ale making him more of a man than PC Plum ever was.

The Second Miss Hoolie

  • Played by: Ann Robinson: 2009-Present
  • First Appearance: The Puddle Dawk

Took over after the first one went into hiding after being threatened with poison pen letters. Ironically she has the same first and second name as the First Miss Hoolie.

[The Second] Archie

  • Played by: Miles Jupp: 2010-Present
  • First Appearance: Dreamland Of The Dream Maker

In series four Archie creates a dream machine to help the villagers have nice dreams. He tests the device on himself and apprently sees a vision of the future in which he is killed. In order not to die he uses cloning techniques to create an identical version of himself which he calls Arther (so people don't get confused). Throughout the rest of series four Archie and Arther form a comedy double act by finishing off each others sentences and saying what each others thoughts are. Archie is killed in the series four finale when he attempts to disarm a bomb at the nursery. After his death Ather becomes suicidal and tries to hang himself. Archie's ghost appears to him and tells him that it is OK and that he must go on living his life. Arther then chooses to take Archie's name, home and everything and pretend to be him in his honour. PC Bananarama lets Arther know that this is illegal and is known as identity fraud which makes Arther upset. In the end they go to the courts and get Arther's name legally changed to Archie. He then moves into the pink castle permanantly and becomes The Second Archie.

Josie Jump

  • Played by: Buki Akib & sometimes Kasia Haddad: 2007-Present
  • First Appearance: Don't Jump To The Wrong Conclusion

Lives in a three story yellow house. Josie is the only coloured person in the village and the show although she is keen to promote diversity through her job at the local gym where she is a fitness instructor. She once tried to launch a healthy school meal deal with Miss Hoolie's Nursery but she told Josie to "Piss off!" Josie is also famous for jumping to the wrong conclusions, especially to do with anything racist. Josie mysteriously disappeared in c.2004 to be replaced by a deeper voiced lookalike. Rumours Archie killed her and buried her body at sea have not been confirmed.

Edie McCredie

  • Played by: Juliet Cadzow: 2007-2009, 2011-
  • First Appearance: Don't Jump To The Wrong Conclusion

The richest member of the cast and village yet she chooses to drive a nursery school bus and have little kids puking on her. She also owns the garage in the village which means she can run an MOT on her own bus and fake the paperwork so that she won't have to spend money doing it even though it is described by Miss Hoolie as "a deathtrap". She disappears in the series three episode "Missing While Breaking Down In The Rain" after she tries to get help after he bus breaks down in the rain while it is full of passengers. Not knowing what happened to her the villagers launch an appeal to help find her but to no avail. With her absent from the village, PC Plum and later PC Bananarama drive the kids to the nursery and when not doing so using her bus as an extra police vehicle. She is absent from the show during series four but returns in series five when it is revealed that while she was trying to get help to fix her bus during the series three episode she was pecked on the head by a bird which caused her to lose her memory. She only remembered who she was after she saw a Crimewatch campaign launched by the people of Balamory. Rumour has it there will be a flashback episode in a future series where it will show what happened to her during her absense.

Spencer

  • Played by: Rodd Christensen: 2007-Present
  • First Appearance: The Stolen Pielot

Often confused with the character Spencer from Hollyoaks and the shop Marks and Spencer he is the village's painter and decorator, although prior to arriving in the village he was a member of a one hit wonder band, since then he likes to play music in his spare time. Archie (The gay dude who lives in the pink castle) once made a pass at him on a drunken night out but Archie said he was not interested and Archie went home to invent a yoghurt pot vibrator to pleasure himself as Spencer couldn't. PC Plum has asked him on numerous occasions if he would like to join the police force as he needs more men. Spencer has also turned this down.

Penny Pocket

  • Played by: Mary Riggans: 2007-Present
  • First Appearances: Don't Jump To The Wrong Conclusion

Penny is a lesbian and in a relationship with Suzie Sweet. She co-owns the cafe and shop with her which is located in the red building. Unlike Suzie she is afraid for people to know that she is gay but everyone knows she drinks for the furry cup. She along with Suzie get very little screen time compared to the rest of the characters and their absence in various episodes is said bluntly because they "are having sexual relations". She is very upset in series four after lover Suzie is murdered by anti-gay protesters. She later allows Suzie's identical sister Sarah Sweet to stay in Balamory and help her run the shop and cafe, although it is obvious that her motivation in this is because Sarah looks like Suzie so she obviously fancies her.

Sarah Sweet

  • Played by: Kim Tserkezie: 2010-Present
  • First Appearance: Oil Pratform

Sarah Sweet is the identical twin sister of shop owner Suzie Sweet. Like her sister she is sweet talking but unlike her sister she is not a gay. She first appears in series four after her sister is murdered by anti-gay protestors. At the end of this same episode she decided to stay in Balamory and take over the shop that her sister ran with lover Penny Pocket.

Millie Mischief

  • Played by: Clare Devine From Hollyoaks: 2008-Present
  • First Appearance: Swimming In Spencer

The shows resident villain. Often seen causing such havoc as letting the tyres down on Eddie McCredie's mini bus, as well as uploading a virus onto the only computer in the nursery school. Her bad behavour is the focus of many episodes as the team have to find her as she has many disguises including; a seagull (over the village), a pillarbox (in the village), a bread roll (in the cafe), a boat (in the habour), and on one occasion a yoghurt pot (while trying to escape from Archie's house).

Barry The Bad

  • Played by: Barry From Eastenders: 2008-Present
  • First Appearance: Trying To Mend A Puncture

Often seen not paying for his food after eating in the cafe, Barry is setting a bad example for the kids at the nursery and PC Plum will stop at nothing to get his man.

The Unknown Object

  • Played by: Some Guy In A Suit: 2007-Present
  • First Appearance: Series One

The unknown object is a robot-like machine (sometimes appearing on wheels) which appears for no apparent reason in the village. The residents and Archie have put it down to one of his experiments although he does not remember creating it. The device is also classed as a murderer by the police as often when it is around bad things happen and a solution to a murder or crime is never solved. It sometimes takes different forms (it once appeared shaped as a dildo) which confuses both the viewers and the people acting on the show. So far the device has featured in three times on the show, but apparently it will have a bigger role in series four when it will be seen more and a possible reason as to its origin will not be revealed. The producers have said though that the object is pivotal to the shows storyline.

Van Goth

  • Played by: TBA: 2010-Present
  • First Appearance: The Naked Bum

Van Goth will be a young art teacher who will join the show when he comes to help out at the local school. He is set to have a wild affair with the Second Miss Hoolie and he is said to be racist towards Spencer and Josie Jump. His artwork is apparently shit as it is all to do with death and stuff. It is rumoured that when someone told him this he cut his ear off and slit his wrists because he thought it would be cool. The Radio Times website lists the character as BiPolarbear.

Former Characters

The First Miss Hoolie

  • Played by: Julie Wilson Nimmo: 2007-2008
  • First Appearance: The Stolen Pielot
  • Last Appearance: The Lost Poison Pen Letter

The owner of the green house and one of the main characters. She was rumoured to be in a relationship with Archie but after he died she slept with PC Plum. She is the only nursery school teacher Balamory has and is constantly worried that the nursery is oversubscribed - a plot device that is used to fill time. She was forced to go into hiding after series two because some nutter with a knife was after her. Her whereabouts are currently unknown - thank god!

PC Andrew "Andy" Plum

  • Played by: Andrew Agnew: 2007-2009, 2011
  • First Appearance: The Stolen Pielot
  • Last Appearance: Party Dames Playing The Games (Regular), Dead Plum Walking (Guest)

The only member of BP - The Balamory Police. He was transferred to the village from somewhere on ITV and due to a lack of funds he is forced to play various roles, including local PC and mortician in the morgue. He once had to pretend to be a female police officer while working on a rape case as male officers are not usually allowed to interview female victims. In his spare time he loves to use his magnifying glass to "look between the grass" of the girls changing room at the gym where Josie Jump works. He is also pressing for better funding as his bike has had a puncture on numerous occasions. He expresses that he would like a partner as it does get lonely on the night shift. Despite holding the rank of a mere constable, PC Plum has somehow managed to afford a boat, no doubt for smuggling drugs and asylum seekers.

The character makes his final appearance in the series three episode "Party Dames Playing The Games" in which he discovers that someone is supplying Spencer and the guests at his birthday party with some drugs so that they can use them in drug fuelled sex games. He succeeds with solving the case but as he is trying to get out of Spencer's house and to the police station with the person responsible a four-poster bed comes crashing through the floor with Spencer and some other woman shagging on it. In order to save the criminal (for reasons unknown) PC Plum pushes him out of the way but is crushed by the bed. Spencer and the woman then carry on shagging not realising they have crushed Plum, while the suspect escapes to somewhere. Josie Jump then spots PC Plum's crushed magnifying glass at the side of the bed and determined that he had been killed even though she did not check.

PC Plum will return at the end of series five when it will be discovered that his death was faked and that he has been living under witness protection in the shed at the bottom of the field at the nursery.

Suzie Sweet

  • Played by: Kim Tserkezie: 2007-2010
  • First Appearance: The Stolen Pielot
  • Last Appearance: Oil Pratform

Co-owner of the Cafe and Shop in the red building along with her lesbian partner Penny Pocket, she is not afraid to show it as Suzie often comments in an episode "Penny - is that a Sweet in your Pocket or are you just pleased to see me!". They have very little screen time compared to the rest of the characters and their absence in various episodes is said bluntly because they "are having sexual relations". She is murdered in series four by some anti-gay protesters who for some reason, cover her in oil. Her identical twin sister Sarah Sweet turns up for her funeral and then takes her place in the village.

[The First] Archie

  • Played by: Miles Jupp: 2007-2011
  • First Appearance: The Stolen Pielot
  • Last Appearance: The Arthermath

The town's/village's traditional gay dude. He lives in a pink castle that he acquired on the cheap for him and his boyfriend only his boyfriend died and no one knows where the body is buried. The villagers are constantly worried that Archie has not got over his boyfriend's death and that he is depressed as he uses all his time to make shitty inventions instead of earning money like every one else. He is also very handy with a yoghurt pot! In series four Archie invents a dream machine after several villagers complain about suffering bad dreams. he tests it on himself first to make sure it works and apprently sees a vision of the future in which he is killed. Not wanting to die, he creates another version of himself which he names Arther. In the series four finale Archie is called by PC Bananarama to the nursery after a bomb is discovered. Archie attempts to disarm it with his Bomb Disarming Device but he actually knows nothing about bombs and the device does not actually work. As a result the bomb goes off bringing Archie's vision true. Archie is buried in a coffin made entirely from used yoghurt pots. Archie later appears as a ghost to Arther in the opening episode of series five in which he tells Arther that he is sorry to have left him and that he is happy now in gay mans heaven with his former boyfriend.

Episodes

Series 1 - 2007

Six episodes were made and broadcast:

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
1 The Stolen Pielot Allan Scott October 2007 In the first episode Archie is found dead with a Parisian baguette down his throat. They first suspect Spencer for doing the dirty deed, until they find out Spencer is allergic to white flour. So he could never have handled a baguette like that! Among the leads, they find a bloody tennis racquet covered in syrup and a stolen pork pie. But what is the connection?

First Appearance of PC Plum, The First Miss Hoolie, Archie, Suzie Sweet and Spencer

4.3 Million Viewers
2 Don’t Jump To The Wrong Conclusion Allan Scott October 2007 In the second episode Josie Jump is suspected of murdering Edie McCredie. However when she is killed by a runaway shopping trolley Miss Hoolie and PC Plum must try and link the events. Meanwhile Archie (who randomly comes back to life because of limited actors who are willing to be on the show) inventors a better programme. Penny Pocket must convince the viewers to return in 25 hours or the show will be cancelled.

First Appearance of Josie Jump, Edie McCredie and Penny Pocket

4 Million Viewers
3 PC Scum Allan Scott October 2007 PC Plum is accused of being a dirty cop and must go on the run until he can prove his innocence.

First Appearance of PC Plum’s bicycle

3.4 Million Viewers
4 Edie McGreedy Margaret Turnbull November 2007 It is discovered that Edie McCredie has been living the high life by not paying the insurance on her mini bus amongst several other objects in order to keep her vast wealth. 3.6 Million Viewers
5 The Red & Grey House Neil Paterson November 2007 The red house is painted grey but who did it? 6.8 Million Viewers
6 Put That In Your Pope & Smoke It Neil Paterson November 2007 The series finishes in episode three when it is discovered that the Pope killed Edie McCredie. Miss Hoolie and PC Plum get married and Miss Hoolie has an affair with Spencer and Archie gets murdered (again) by an unknown object.

First Appearance of the “Unknown Object"

6 Million Viewers

Series 2 - 2008

Due to the popularity of the first series, the second series was extended to feature a full thirteen episodes:

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
7 Swimming In Spencer Allan Scott September 2008 Spencer is murdered and cut into several pieces before being placed in the local swimming pool at Josie Jump's gym.

First Appearance of Millie Mischief

5.6 Million Viewers
8 Grizzly Bears Lunch Margaret Turnbull September 2008 A circus that has arrived in town "accidentally" releases several grizzly bears that start to eat the local residents. 6 Million Viewers
9 Treasure C/Hunt Neil Paterson September 2008 In order to make the most of a Friday afternoon Archie organizes a weird treasure hunt for the kids at the nursery in and around the bedroom at his castle, an event that causes numerous parents to accuse him of being a pedo. Can PC Plum clear his name? 3.4 Million Viewers
10 Noisy Twat Neil Paterson September 2008 Josie Jump complains that Spencer's "music" is keeping her awake all night and that she is not getting any sleep as a result but Spencer refuses to stop playing. However; when Josie jump is found naked and tied to a treadmill Spencer looks like the prime suspect - did he rape Josie?

First Appearance of “The Treadmill"

4.6 Million Viewers
11 Uphill Gardner Competition Allan Scott October 2008 Miss Hoolie organizes an uphill gardening competition for the local residents, yet Suzie Sweet and Penny Pocket get the wrong idea which prompts numerous complaints, meanwhile Spencer makes some bunting for the event. 6.8 Million Viewers
12 Snakehead John Hodge October 2008 Archie comes to the nursery to show the kids his new "pet snake" yet when it escapes PC Plum tries to get it back before someone is poisoned by it.

Second Appearance of the “Unknown Object"

3.7 Million Viewers
13 Cross Cuntry Allan Scott October 2008 PC Plum is angry and has no option but to arrest Suzie Sweet and Penny Pocket when they are found making lady love in the outskirts of the village. 4.8 Million Viewers
14 Walking The Dead Margaret Turnbull October 2008 Josie Jump takes Eddie McCredie out for a nice walk, however the latter is believed to be dead as she has not been seen for several days. Can PC Plum get to the bottom of the mystery? 5.2 Million Viewers
15 Trying To Mend a Puncture John Hodge November 2008 This whole episode is devoted to PC Plum who tries to mend a puncture on his police bike while in pursuit of a dangerous criminal.

First Appearance of Barry The Bad and Last Appearance of PC Plum’s bicycle

12.9 Million Viewers
16 I’ve Got Snow Idea! Margaret Turnbull November 2008 Balamory is covered in snow as the weather takes a turn of the worse. While trying to start her car, Miss Hoolie sees PC Plum who offers her a "backy" (on his new BMX bike) to the nursery which she agrees to, yet on their way a frozen body is found. But how did the person die? Meanwhile; Spencer tries to cheer up an 82 year old woman he is dating, who cannot go out in the snow, by creating a winter wonderland in her front room with Archie's snow machine. Sadly his actions are short-lived as the BBC deems it a health and safety hazard.

First Appearance of PC Plum’s BMX

7.6 Million Viewers
17 The Floater Allan Scott November 2008 Someone has taken a dump in the nursery school toilet and it won't flush. Miss Hoolie calls in PC Plum to find out who did it and also Spencer and Archie who come up with an invention to clear the blockage, while explaining to the children how a toilet works. Coincidentally the children have been learning about things that float and things that sink so Miss Hoolie sees it as an amble opportunity for her to nip out for a fag. 5.9 Million Viewers and 12,000 complaints
18 Windy Gay Neil Paterson November 2008 Archie has been eating too much cabbage and it is causing him to fart a lot. The gas which eminates from down there soon causes people to be violently sick and die. While this is taking place the village is a very windy place and PC Plum's hat is blown away and he won't go on duty without it. Can the villagers band together to find PC Plum's hat before it is too late? 4.3 Million Viewers
19 The Lost Poison Pen Letter Allan Scott December 2008 Miss Hoolie contacts PC Plum after she receives a poison pen letter containing death threats, yet when he arrives she can't remember where she put it, so he and Spencer (who was passing - apparently?!) help her look for it.

Last Appearance of the First Miss Hoolie

4.6 Million Viewers

Series 3 - 2009

Another series is currently in production....apparently. The third series will air in the autumn.

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
20 The Puddle Dawk Neil Paterson 4 September 2009 A dawk at the nursery school is murdered while Miss Hoolie takes the kids on a puddle walk in a deep dark forest where they cannot be seen...

First Appearance of The Second Miss Hoolie

2.3.4.5.6 Million Viewers
21 Vibrators John Hodge 11 September 2009 Eddie McCredie hears some strange vibrating noises at Archie's house while walking past during the night. Then Spencer’s vibrating music machine goes missing and turns up in the gay bloke’s castle. Are the two crimes connected? 0001.4 Million Viewers
22 The Shape Of Dirty Things Drawn In The Sand Allan Scott 18 September 2009 PC Plum is called to the beach where someone has drawn a giant cock in the sand. Can PC Plum erase it before the children see it? 1.1.1.1.1.3 Million Viewers
23 The Fiddler Plays Neil Paterson 25 September 2009 A cover teacher at the nursery takes over from an ill Miss Hoolie, but he is accused of playing in with the children in more ways than one.

First and Last Appearance of The Cover Teacher

2.5.7/8 Million Viewers
24 Hub Caps John Hodge 2 October 2009 Spencer plays a game of cricket with Josie where he gets more than 3000 caps, while PC Plum is out to find the thief who has stolen all the Hub Caps in town. 56 Million Viewers
25 Reflections Of The Daughter Margaret Turnbull 9 October 2009 A parents daughter drowns in a puddle after seeing her reflection...or does she?

Third Appearance of the “Unknown Object”

1 Million Viewers
26 Boat (Ch)Race John Hodge 16 October 2009 The kids at the nursery have a boat race with the help of Archie and Spencer, meanwhile PC Plum chases a gang of chavs who have robbed the local shop and cafe and are making their get-away in a boat down by the docks. 2 Million Viewers
27 Missing After Breaking Down In The Rain Neil Paterson 23 October 2009 PC Plum investigates when Eddie McCredie is reported missing in the rain after she went to get help for her and her passengers after her bus broke down. 3 Million Viewers
28 The Lost Bicycle Margaret Turnbull 30 October 2009 PC Plum has to give chase to a vicious serial killer but his bike has been taken by someone. After much investigating he discovers that Archie took his bike to oil the chain as the sound was keeping him awake at night when PC Plum goes out on the night shift. While Plum tries to locate his bike the serial killer murders Spencer and Josie Jump and dumps their bodies in the river. 4 Million Viewers
29 Indecent Exposure Allan Scott 6 November 2009 A photo developer is seen running naked around Balamory. Can he be stopped? Meanwhile; Josie Jump shows the nursery school children her holiday snaps...or so she thinks! 5 Million Viewers
30 Plonk Blocks To The Head Margaret Turnbull 13 November 2009 Someone is murdered with Josie Jump's "Plonk Blocks" but who? 6 Million Viewers
31 Oh Dear, Oh Shear! John Hodge 20 November 2009 A man is found dead with his head, arms and legs having been cut off with garden shears. In addition his body lies next to that of a deer. Can PC Plum get to the bottom of the mystery? 7 Million Viewers
32 Party Dames Playing The Games Allan Scott 27 November 2009 At Spencer's 34 birthday PC Plum goes undercover with some suburban swingers to find out who has been supplying Spencer and the dames with smack for drug-filled sex games. It's time for PC Plum to put this case to bed!

Last Appearance of PC Plum

88 Million, 1 Hundred & 2.5

Series 4 - 2010

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
33 A New Guy In The Old Village Allan Scott 3 September 2010 Balamory becomes a dump in the wake of PC Plum's sudden death and the constant crime causes the residents to have bad dreams, some of which come true...Can the new PC Bananarama save the day?

First Appearance of PC Bananarama

TBA
34 The Naked Bum Margaret Turnbull 3 September 2010 An artist kidnaps several women to pose naked for his new piece of artwork which looks at the female body, can PC Bananarama and Miss Hoolie crack Archie's complicated clues to find the missing women?

First Appearance of Art Teacher Van Goth

TBA
35 A Touch Of Miss Hoolie John Hodge 10 September 2010 While locking the nursery up at the end of the day Miss Hoolie feels a hand wondering up her skirt but does not see whose hand it was. Will Archie's new DNA swab device actually be used? TBA
36 No More Good Gays Neil Paterson 17 September 2010 Archie's new behaviour modification device causes problems when it turns all the gays in the village into criminals. Does Spencer hold the key to reversing the problem? TBA
37 Paint You Black Margaret Turnbull 24 September 2010 Spencer and Josie Jump are sick and tired of being the butt of sick racist jokes so they go to Spencers get a tin of black paint and start to paint everyone in town, while listening to songs by The Rolling Stone. TBA
38 Capture The Castle John Hodge 1 October 2010 Archie pops out to the shops to get some milk and is shocked when he returns to find squatters in his castle. Will PC Bananarama get them to move on to pastures new? TBA
39 Too Much Good Bling Neil Paterson 8 October 2010 The nursery holds a table-top sale in which Archie, The Second Miss Hoolie, Josie Jump and Penny Pocket all chip in to buy some gold chains, but PC Bananarama believes that they may be stolen - da da da!!!! TBA
40 Oil Pratform Margaret Turnbull 15 October 2010 Suzie Sweet refuges to serve some teenagers in the shop due to their rude attitude. She is later found dead and covered in oil by her best friend Penny Pocket. But was it the teenagers who killed her? PC Bananarama is in the thick of it!

Last Appearance of Suzie Sweet

TBA
40 Wrong End Of The Sick Neil Paterson 22 October 2010 Spencer and the so-solid crew go out on an all night drinking bender, the next morning while on her way to the nursery the Second Miss Hoolie finds Spencer lying in a pile of sick. But is the sick his own? No it certainly is not!!! TBA
41 Dreamland Of The Dream Maker John Hodge 29 October 2010 Due to the bad events of recent weeks Archie decides to invent a dream maker which will give the villagers nice dreams, but when he tests the device out on himself he is convinced he has seen the future in his dream, a future where he is murdered. As a result he decides to make an alternative version of himself just in case his dream comes true.

First Appearance of Arthur

TBA
42 The Bad, The Bad & The Vid Neil Paterson 5 November 2010 PC Bananarama and Barry The Bad form an unlikely alliance in order to get some justice when one of the kids at the nursery makes a happy slapping video, while Archie becomes concerned by Spencer's increasingly bad behavour - what is wrong with him?

Fourth Appearance of "The Unknown Object"

TBA
43 Pass The Deadly Parcel Allan Scott 12 November 2010 It's someones birthday at the nursery so the Second Miss Hoolie plans a pass-the-parcel game for the children, but Millie Mischief has changed the parcel for a bomb, which is slowly ticking down. With time running out Archie turns up at the nursery with his new Bomb Disarming Unit (clearly made from yogurt pots) and attempts to defuse the bomb. Unfortuntely he knows nothing about bombs and the episode ends with the bomb exploding as the pupils and The Second Miss Hoolie run for their lives.

Last Appearance of Archie

TBA
44 Chargrilled Balamory Allan Scott 12 November 2010 The bomb has exploded and turned Balamory into a war zone. Archie is revealed to have died in the inferno and several other people die.... Josie Jump and Sarah Sweet make the kids forget about the horrible things that have just happened by baking cakes and PC Bananarama comforts a distressed Second Miss Hoolie and the episode ends with the two of them having sex with each other, although this is censored for any children watching.

First Appearance of the Black House

TBA

Series 5 - 2011

Episode Number Episode Title Written By Airdate (UK) Short Summary Number of Viewers
45 The Arthurmath Allan Scott Autumn 2011 The new series kicks off several months after the bomb explosion at the end of the last series. Spencer is doing his best to repair the village but the Second Miss Hoolie is not happy when he paints the nursery bright pink. Elsewhere crime is at an all time low because most the criminals were killed in the explosion so PC Bananarama is bored and has very little to do so Josie Jump suggestes he help put on a play for the opening of the new nursury entitled "Cops & Robbers" in which he plays himself. In addition Arthur contimplates suicide after the death of Archie and attempts to hang himself. Archie's ghost shows up and manages to talk him out of it and Arthur decides to take Archie's name in his honour however PC Bananarama informs Arthur that he could be done for identity fraud for taking Archie's name so at the end of the episode he, Arthur and the Second Miss Hoolie all head to the local town hall to make the name change legal. TBA
46 Nigguh Neil Paterson Autumn 2011 A peachful sunny weekend is ruined for Spencer when he wakes up and discovers that someone has graffiti tagged his property with the word "nigguh". He goes to his fellow negro Josie Jump for help who leaps to the rescue and together they launch their own violent investigation which leads PC Bananarama and The Second Miss Hoolie to take the moral high ground and remind them that they cannot take the law into their own hands. TBA
47 Choking On An Apple Margaret Turnbull Autumn 2011 It's the start of a new week and The Second Miss Hoolie is heading to the nursery after stopping by the shop for her daily apple. But disaster strikes when PC Bananarama fidns her choking on the apple on the steps outside the nursery. He saves her life and takes the apple to The Second Archie's house for analysis where they discover it was poisoned, but by whom.....? TBA
48 PC Fairpear Allan Scott Autumn 2011 PC Bananarama has his work cut out when a fun fair comes to Balamory which prompts several complaints about noise and rubbish. With too much work for just him to handle central relocate a new police officer to the village - PC Fairpear. Soon PC Bananarama is down in the dumps because the village like Fairpear more than him. It's not long however until Bananarama discovers the true PC Fairpear after he sees him smoking a joint. PC Bananarama exposes Fairpear for who he really is and everyone in the village holds a BBQ for him to remind him just how special he really is. TBA
49 The Fast And The Fuming John Hodge Autumn 2011 Needing some money fast in order to pay his bills, Spencer agrees to take part in a street race using his bike. While at the race Spencer is told to throw it and lose. He doesn't and as a result is beaten to a bloody pulp. After PC Bananarama and the Second Miss Hoolie find out they are fuming and very angry that Spencer would take part in such an illegal activity but after seeing how sorry Spencer is PC Bananarama tells him he can avoid prison if he helps catch the baddies. He agrees and together Spencer and PC Bananarama go under cover at the next race and the baddies are caught. The episode ends with the children at the nursery holding a table top sale to raise money for Spencer so he is able to pay his bills. TBA
50 Nelson Mandealer's Drug Network Allan Scott Autumn 2011 PC Bananarama is on his way to give a crime provention talk to the chilren at the nursery when he spots several youths taking cannabis. After some extensive detective work he finds the source of the problem to be none other than the criminal mastermind and drug dealer Nelson Mandealer. Going undercover with Spencer, posing as drug mauls they attempt to catch the bad man before he can unlease more of his posion across Balamory. TBA
51 The Stolen Scarecrow John Hodge Autumn 2011 The Second Miss Hoolie calls PC Bananarama after she notices the nurseries scarecrow has been taken from the vegetable patch. PC Bananarama evertually confesses that he took it after he broke it the night before having been drunk walking home from the local pub when he saw the scarecrow and thought it was a burgular. When he tackled it to the ground it broke. The Second Miss Hoolie forgives PC Bananarama offers to stand by him when he decides to apply to attend AA meetings. The Second Miss Hoolie takes the scarecrow to The Second Archie for repair and the episode ends with PC Bananarama presenting the nursery children with the new scarecrow and saying sorry for damaging the other one. TBA
52 Blast From A Series Past Allan Scott Autumn 2011 There is shock and awe all around Balamory when the almost forgotten about Eddie McCready turns up dazed and confused at the local shop. She reveals herself to have been suffering from amensia having been pecked on the head by a bird when she went to get help after her bus broke down in the rain. She tells the village that she only remembered who she was after seeing the Crimewatch campaign on TV for information regarding her disappearance. To celebrate her return, The Second Miss Hoolie, Josie Jump, Penny Pocket and Sarah Sweet all go out for a night on the town with her however after getting heavily drunk they are arrested by PC Bananarama for having flashed their tits at two 4 year old boys. Ironically they all end up in the same AA meetings as PC Bananarama. TBA
53 Sarah Sweet-talk Margaret Turnbull Autumn 2011 When the nursery gets a brand new radio system courtesy of Spencer, The Second Miss Hoolie decides to create a radio show with Sarah Sweet as an agony aunt with the people of Balamory calling her with their problems. Yet things take a dangerous turn when someone nicks all Sarah's sweets and gets sticky fingers after trying to stroke her bush. Perhaps this time Sarah has taken her sweet talk too far... TBA
54 Black & White Neil Paterson Autumn 2011 Spencer and Josie Jump come to the nursery to run a fitness session for the kids with Josie teaching them gymnastics and Spencer plaing loud music to accompany them. However both of them end up angry after The Second Miss Hoolie introduces them to the kids as "a couple of local niggers". Because of this an arguement arupts and PC Bananarama is called to the scene where he sits them all down, including the children and tells them all what sayings are PC (pun not intended) and what ones arn't in this day and age. Meanwhile The Second Archie decides its time for a makeover and paints his castle black and white. TBA
55 The Sandcastle? Margaret Turnbull Autumn 2011 The Second Archie returns from rumaging through peoples bins for used yogurt pots to discover that his beloved castle has been knocked down and replaced with a sandcastle. PC Bananarama and The Second Miss Hoolie set out to find those responcible while The Second Archie and Spencer rebuilt the original castle using the yogurt pots. The problem is however Spencer only has tins of bright pink paint left over so the castle will have to be that colour which makes the Second Archie sad as he had just redecorated it black and white. TBA
56 The Blackout John Hodge Autumn 2011 Its a quite saturday in Balamory and PC Bananarama is enjoying a day of watching TV when suddenly the power goes off. The same happens at The Second Miss Hoolie's house where her iron goes off. She then runs through the village shouting "Theres a blackout! Theres a blackout!" which both Josie Jump and Spencer misinterpret to mean something racist. Annoyed PC Bananarama goes to see the power company to see what can be done while The Second Archie makes PC Bananarama a TV that doesn't require any power, with Spencer helping him by making pictures that can be used as TV footage. TBA
57 Dead Plum Walking Allan Scott & Neil Paterson Autumn 2011 PC Bananarama does some investigating when numerous reports come in from people claiming to have seen the supposedly dead PC Plum alive and well walking through Balamory (only this time wearing a fake beard!). Bananarama's investigations lead him to an old shed at the far end of the nursery field where he discovers PC Plum is actually alive! Plum reveals to him that his death was faked and that he is in witness protection because somebody really bad who he was investigating is after him. Its not long however when Plum's cover is blown and several assassins try and kill him. With the help of Spencer, The Second Miss Hoolie, The Second Archie, Josie Jump, Eddie McCready and Penny Pocket (all dressed up to look like Plum) they create several diversions and help Plum escape abroad on a fish trauler. The episode ends with the cast tucking into a crate of juicy plums sent to them from PC Plum who is now tanning it up in the Canaries where he has opened his own plum farm. TBA

Series 6 - 2012

Due to the high quality of storylines that the show has produced to date a sixth series has been confirmed to air in 2012 and will feature an extended series now containing 20 episodes.

  • 1) The Ride-Along - The Second Miss Hoolie organises a ride along with PC Bananrama for one of the children at the nursery when she discovers they want to be a police officer when they are older. Things however don't go to plan when the pair are caught in a dramatic shootout and PC Bananarama is forced to chase the culprits up a steep hill on the child's pushbike.
  • 2) Edie's Got Wood....Work! - Edie decides to start woodwork lessons so she can show the children what they can make from wood. However she soon discovers that she may have applied for the wrong course....
  • 3) Hot Sunburn - Its a hot day in Balamory so Josie Jump and The Second Miss Hoolie take the nursury children down to the beach where PC Bananrama is forced to arrest The Second Miss Hoolie after parents complain that she is sunbathing topless.
  • 4) Disco Fever - As christmas is fast approaching The Second Miss Hoolie organises an end of term disco for the children at the nursery but at the event the kids start to become ill and PC Bananarama discovers that someone has spiked the punch....
  • 5) The Mix Up - The residents of Balamory decide it would be fun to live other peoples lives for a day so they switch homes and jobs with each other. Yet things go disastely wrong when Josie mixies up a fruit delivery while taking over at the shop/cafe and The Second Archie proves himself to be useless as a police man, taking over for PC Bananarama
  • 6) Slippery When Wet - Its an icy day in Balamory and Everyone is having accidents by slipping on the ice. After PC Bananarama breaks both legs, a wrist and two ribs The Second Archie decides to take action by covering the whole town and the people in bubblewrap to make things safer.
  • 7) Eye Need Glasses! - After Eddie crashes the bus on the way to the nursery PC Bananarama is forced to arrest her for dangerous driving, however The Second Archie believes there may be more to it and together, he and Eddie make a memorable trip to the opticians.
  • 8) Things Are On The Slide - The Second Miss Hoolie has an important slide presentation to show the nursury children on STI's but the slide projector is broken and its not the only thing in the nursury thats not working. With things on a downward slide the residents of Balamory try and raise money to repair the nursery while PC Bananarama takes the slide projector to The Second Archie's to see if he can fix it and Parents campaign to get The Second Miss Hoolie sacked from the nursery for letting things slide this far. But will they succeed?
  • 9) Miss Hoolie-Hoops - Josie Jump has a clear out at her house and discovers a stash of hoola-hoops. She takes them to the nursery to teach The Second Miss Hoolie and the children how to do the hoola-hoop. Meanwhile PC Bananarama is out of town on an important task that is never explained...
  • 10) P.S. I Love You Letter - Part One - Mid-series finale. After a drunken night out with Spencer and The Second Archie, PC Bananarama writes a drunken love letter to The Second Miss Hoolie and posts it to her. The next day he regrets it and tries to avoid The Second Miss Hoolie while trying to get the letter back before it can arrive at the nursery. Together with the help of Spencer and The Second Archie, he attempts to find and destroy the letter leading to a horrible confrontation with an angry post woman.
  • 11) P.S. I Love You Letter - Part Two - Conclusion to the mid-series finale. The trio attempt to get the letter back but they end up at the wrong sorting office. In the end they make it to the right one with the help of Eddie and they destroy the letter. The episode ends with the three men telling the children at the nursery how the post sorting office works.
  • 12) Sperm Whale Bank - Spencer comes to the nursery to explain to the children how he just donated his sperm to a clinic for future mummy's and daddy's but there is some opposition to his talk which leads Spencer to believe its because he is black.
  • 13) The Leeking Roof - Penny Pocket and Sarah Sweet are shocked when the find their shop and cafe flooded after someone has stolen the tiles off their roof. PC Bananarama sets out to find those responcible while The Second Archie comes up with a solution involving several umbrellas and a thousand yogurt pots. Meanwhile the leek soup that Penny and Sarah were making for the nursery childrens lunch has been ruined. Maybe Spencer and Josie can provide a solution with their ethnic foods?
  • 14) The Run-Away Piano - The Second Archie and Josie Jump help Spencer move a very heavy new piano into his house but things go wrong and the piano ends up rolling its way through Balamory causing havoc. Cue an hilarious slapstick chase led by PC Bananarama to stop the runaway piano.
  • 15) Bun & Bumfest - The annual bun sale is coming up to raise money for the local community centre. Everyone takes part apart from Eddie and Spencer who think that the event is boring. Instead they arrange a nude calendar shoot in order to raise some money but The Second Archie is not too keen on exposing himself to the the public. Can Josie Jump help him overcome his body issues? At the end of the episode the residents all gather round and tuck into some nice moist bums. I mean buns....
  • 16) What A Load Of Rubbish! - Penny Pocket and Sarah Sweet are annoyed when someone keeps dumping litter outside their shop/cafe and so PC Bananarama goes undercover as a local resident to tyr and find the culprit.
  • 17) TBA
  • 18) TBA
  • 19) TBA
  • 20) Playing The Game - The Second Archie is set to appear on a 'Who Wants To Be A Millionnaire' style game show on national TV but is nervous about appearing on TV he goes to see Josie Jump and Spencer to help improve his confidence. Elsewhere The Second Miss Hoolie holds a game show for the nursery children in the local cafe. The episode ends with a body surfacing in the local dock and PC Bananarama arriving at the scene.

Series 7: 2013

  • 1) "Who Wants To Die" - A book sends a death threat to five children and PC Bananarama must find out why.

Trivia

  • Ironically the only piece of fruit PC Plum will eat (when on screen) is a melon.
  • The First and Second Miss Hoolie are actually the same person.
  • Spencer isn't actually black, he painted his skin that colour to match Josie Jump.
  • Archie is not actually gay in real life, although the actor that plays him is.
  • It is nearly always raining in Balamory.
  • When PC Plum is riding his push bike it makes the noise of a motorbike.
  • Barry The Bad and PC Plum's receptionist are the same person.
  • Miss Hoolie once let Spencer fondle her in the nursery store room.
  • Archie's castle is actually red, but looks pink when the sun shines on it.
  • PC Plum always drinks out of a coffee cup that says "World's Worst Policeman".
  • Archie invented Balamory.

DVD Releases

  • CSI: Balamory - The Complete Series One - Released: March 2008
  • Contains: all six episodes from the complete first series
  • Deleted sex scenes. Deleted normal scenes
  • Gag Reel
  • Full Theme Song and Music Video
  • Balamory: On Location - A look behind the scenes of the show
  • All the adverts for the show
  • Full A1 size poster of the cast

* CSI: Balamory - The Complete Series Two - Released: March 2009

  • Contains: all thirteen episodes from the complete second series
  • Deleted fight scene on the bus
  • Gag Reel
  • Richard & Judy Interview
  • Up Gross & Personal - A look behind the crimes featured on the show
  • TV adverts
  • The First Miss Hoolie's Death Scene
  • Interview on Friday Night With Jonathan Ross
  • Directors Cut of the Complete Series Two

* CSI: Balamory - The Complete Series Three - To Be Released: March 2010

  • Contains: all thirteen episodes from the complete third series
  • Alternative deaths for PC Plum
  • Directors Cut of the complete third series
  • The Show Must Go On - A look at the replacement actress for the Second Miss Hoolie
  • TV adverts
  • Deleted sexual scenes from episode thirteen
  • The Lost Episode - The episode that was lost so people cannot watch it!
  • Some other crap

Axed Storyline

In 2009, after Buki Akib made her decision to leave to appear on Celebrity Big Brother, producers decided to replace her with Kasia Haddad. However, after being screen tested, it was decided she was too different to get away with the change. Therefore, a murder storyline was created. However, due to the recent brutal murder of another childhood favourite, Barney, the BBC decided it 'insensitive', 'unsuitable' and fake and gay, so the storyline was axed and the it was decided the change should go Unnoticed. Kasia was axed and Buki returned to the role after half an hour. Kasia can now be seen in EastEnders as a sponge.


Other Facts:

Oddly enough, "Balamory" is another word for spam. Spam in this case is not a luncheon food made of hog genitals, but the practice of posting on the Interweb for the sole purpose of advertising something....even something droolingly inane as a TV show. ;)
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