From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The P.O.L.I.C.E. (People Of Limited Intelligence Controlling Everybody) are an organization acting as a tool for the government dedicated to fighting criminals and Travelers for the good of all mankind and all upstanding citizens. They also beat you up for nothing, especially if you aren't white or gay. If you smoke crack cocaine, you're in for it! Also, the police are not actually men in the same way that Alan Partridge is NOT A MAN! However, just to confuse things; Wally Webb aka the real life Alan Partridge is a man. The police are the professional enforcers employed by the government to harass anybody who isn't a white evangelical. The lowest ranking of police are those fags that ride on the bikes and highest ranking are security guards.most cops arrest you for nothing like beating the hell out of someone or underage drinking.
You have to be arrogant, annoying and be willing to spend hundreds of dollars on donuts. Being a plumber or garbageman will usually grant one some privileges to enroll a local police department more easily. However, high school dropouts usually have the highest record of making it into business.
Every year trillions of citizens are trained and recruited into national law enforcement organizations. They are taught how to loaf, waste time, complain about the paperwork they have to do, and be generally useless. Also every single one of these potential police has to memorize and recite by heart 'The Police Oath'.  Upon doing this a citizen is transmogrified into a ass-kicking, donut-eating cop. They are then given their first badge and collection of large precision firearms, batons, tear gas, and tasers. Though occasionally they may fight crimes that don't involve a black person being the criminal, they spend most of the time at Dunkin' Donuts eating donuts and crying to General Hospital.
edit History of the Police
The police (pronounced "please-men") were invented in the 1950's by white people. F the POPO. The original police were genetically engineered donuts, and although they resembled donuts, they actually had a slightly higher intelligence and took a lot of steroids to be stronger than black people. The police's purpose was to stop the Civil Rights Movement by harassing, abusing, and arresting black people. They were armed with hoses. The purpose of the hoses was to poison black people, due to the dangers of water.
They also had something called dogs, which were robots created in laboratories that were programmed to urinate on fire hydrants. These dogs, contrary to what most people think, were not racist, and they hated being forced to hurt black people, and became suicidal. Therefore, the dogs would try to eat black people, thinking they were made of chocolate.
Anyhoo, the police have since evolved and been reprogrammed several times. In the late 60's, the police were reprogrammed to attack druggies. After the 70's, when all the druggies had been exterminated or become Democrats, police evolved to target all minorities. Their favorite prey became rich black men, because they still had natural hate for black people from when they were first invented, but since then have evolved to hate rich people out of jealousy.
Because of this, they often frame rich black men for crimes they did commit, as everyone knows that Michael Jackson is in fact a pedophile rapist, and is ridiculously dysfunctional, and it that O.J did do it. Currently, police also like to prey on skateboarders and the homeless when bored.
Cops are extremely jealous of women with handsome husbands. They will try to trump up charges to separate the couple so that they can try to steal the husband. If this fails they will simply arrest the couple.
edit Origin of the word
The word "Police" comes from the old English "Please", which is what people said when they were begging not to be arrested, or when they were being beaten for absolutely no reason. The word was broken by sobs, and sounded much more like "Police" than "Please". One police officer, having remarkably low IQ, even for a genetically engineered donut, assumed that his victim was calling for help. He reacted by shouting, "I am the Police fucker!" and kicking his victim in the nuts. This didn't work, however, because the victim was a 5 year old girl. However, the word "Police" caught on, as people found it a better name that "Human Donut", the original name. White people felt that "Human Donut" could reveal their conspiracy, so they adopted "Police" happily.
edit Cops on the Beat
The only way to avoid being pulled over by the police is to follow the fucking law, stop talking on your cellphone, stop texting on your cell phone, stop smoking pot while driving, stop eating and drinking while driving, go the speed limit, keep your eyes on the road, obey all traffic signals, and basically have your pants up.
You may also just try to avoid these 'pigs', because they always have the right of way, sex lights on or off. If you are making a legal right turn on red, and you stop a cop from speeding past the light to make the 3 o' clock doughnut special by using the road the correct way, begin unbuckling your pants and plead for a little bit of KY when those sex lights go on. In summary, all cops are gay for criminals. That is the second worst time you might run into a cop.
The worst possible way to run into a cop is on foot, because when you're on foot, you're not escaping them. They can smell your fear, and your pot, when they ride their bike up behind you, silent as a breeze. If by chance you do see a cop waving you down, please remember previous advice and have your pants unbuckled and around your ankles by the time they get there.
If you just came from the bakery, expect to have your biological terrorist weapons confiscated and tested by the force's best men. The ONLY time you're safe from a cop walking the beat is when you are in close vicinity of a doughnut shop, unless you're trashing that doughnut shop. If you are not round and have a large hole through the center of you, you are secondary to the glazed goodness behind the counter.
The recipe for manufacturing a police officer is as follows: • A donut (preferably Krispy Kreme) • American bigotry (this was generated by the original inventors of police) • Steroids Please note that police can be very dangerous and are known to turn on their creator, especially if said creator is a minority. Police are a highly unstable radioactive compound and will violently explode when they come into contact with anyone who outwits them. Police are best created in a laboratory setting, so do not attempt this at home. If you do choose to disobey me and attempt it at home, I hope the police officer tasers you to death. Police can also be made from people, as directed in "How to Become One With the Police" above.
Cops/pigs have been reported to spread swine flu. Swine flu is a combination of police brutality and the bacteria found on donuts.
SNAT (Special Needs & Anal Tactics), SNAT are Special Needs Cops that are normally sent in as a distraction to criminals. SNAT cops are sent into buildings to distract the criminals, while cops go in a different entrance to make the arrest. SNAT cops are normally killed in action. They are trained with Dog squad, they are trained to sniff and go for dogs and humans bumholes. This makes the criminals runaway or to be always looking behind. smell like poo
edit See also