CITV

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“Jesus, don't remind me...”

~ Oscar Wilde on OITV

“Oh what a feeling! When we're dancing on the ceiling!”

~ Lionel Ritchie on Mike & Angelo

“Now I'm no philosopher, but any children's programme that mentions the word 'poo' on a regular basis, I approve of”

~ Rani Price on CITV

“I was asked to front a general knowledge quiz called 'Brainwave', but I decided it wasn't my thing and Thomas The Tank Engine paid better”

~ Paul McCartney on CITV

CITV is the brand name for children's programmes for the so-called 'cooler kids' on the ITV Network in the United Kingdom, first launched on the 3rd January 1946. The programme genres include drama, factual, comedy, pre-school and puppet. The network was well-known for employing presenters with such abnormalities as having a zip fused to one's lips (Zippy From Rainbow) and an overwhelming urge to drink Sunny Delight (Stephen Mulhern).

[edit] Launch

Shortly after being appointed an O.B.E by Her Majesty The Queen and Ringo Starr for helping to win the Second World War, at 75 years of age, Matthew Kelly was approached to become the new presenter of a children's television service. On the first day of transmission, Kelly was blasted into Outer Space by means of an over-sized garden pea, whilst quoting Winston Churchill: "Long live the cause of Children's ITV! God save Walt Disney!" I think you'll agree, he made the phrase his own. Unfortunatley, Kelly travelled as far as Jupiter before dying of a suspected heart attack. Matthew's ghost later described the experience as "centrifugal force - faster!". Producers were unsure as to what to do next, so they enlisted the help of two DJ's from Accy: BE and BA (an unhealthy mix of consanants and nouns). The first programme they introduced was Magpie, but the opening titles unceremoniously brought on a bout of Chronic Headache Syndrome (CHS) for BA and was taken to hospital where he was administered with a then-legal drug called Technobabble. The crew eventually opted for out-of-vision voiceovers, with characters such as Daffy Duck, King Rollo and Tiny conversing with the voiceover man. Producers were happier with this, as it meant that the man doing the voiceovers could do something else and the viewers would not know: such as being secretley eager to finish the voiceover so he could rip the cellophane off his new Gerry & The Pacemakers LP. For a list of the other things he did, contact me at this address in 1985

[edit] Presenters

• Jim Davidson (was later sacked for applying under false pretences)
• Chris Tarrant
• Stephen Mulhern
• Danielle Nicholls
• Matthew Kelly
• Richard Bacon
• Artifical Richard Bacon (Facon™)
• James Robertson Justice (70's)
• Steve Rider (was continuity announcer from 93-98)
• Nick Knowles (voice only)
• Jennie Bond
• Dave Benson-Phillips
• Gordon Ramsay (was sacked after saying "JUST SQUIRT ME WITH FUCKING WATER! FUCK ME!" to Sooty on 'The Sooty Show')
• Oscar Wilde (he had his own channel dedicated to him called 'OITV', but only 5,000 tuned in and the channel has now been taken over by Graham Norton)
• Geoffrey
• Jack Hargreaves (was history presenter for two weeks in the mid-80's, but was sacked for mentioning 'Wilhelm Frick').
• Brian Blessed
• Debbie Shore
• Gary Terzza
• Rod Hull
• Tommy Boyd
• Mr Blobby

[edit] Programmes

• Art Attack: Her Majesty's Pleasure: In a 13-part drama series, Neil Buchanan finds out that spitting on the Bayeux Tapestry 'is not a cool idea'.
• The Homicidals Of Bottle Bay: A series set in a seaside town haunted by spirits with a difference.
• Tommorow's World For You!: Crack smoking Jennie Bond demonstrates inventions relevant to children in the future, such as a handheld camcorder that can be used as a portable phone to a ride-in 'Dora Winifred' mini BMW.
• Brainwave: Children's general knowledge quiz in the late 70's, presented by Christopher Biggins. More often than not, mathematical questions were asked such as: '5 - 4, 10 - 9 and 2 - 1 all equal what? Oooooh!'.
• My Parents Are Aliens: The only good show in the history of CITV and it isn't even for kids, i mean men growing breasts,women growing even bigger breasts, references to 80085 on a calculator and "Funky bits". unfortunately was turned into a big crock of shit in its 8th season.
• Numberbet Castle: Was broadcast every day at 3:30pm weekdays without fail. It followed the adventures of King Number and Queen Bet as they lived in a castle in the sky and tried to learn to count, add and subtract. They found inspiration in films such as 'Rain Man' in which a man with Autism Syndrome 'counts cards' in Las Vegas.
• Footy Heights Exactly where the England football team isn't. Presented by Max Boyce.
• Finders Keepers* Jeremy Kyle attempts to find his dignity in the bins at the back of sainsbury's.
• Michael's Boys and Glitter's Girls* Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter audition boys and girls aged 3 - 12 for a part in Michael's new movie I Didn't Touch Him I Swear! in which the boy will play Jackson's wife and the girl plays Glitter's wife. The film will be and 18 and will feature sexual scenes between the couples (Much to Jackson and Glitter's enjoyment)
• Homicide Hill: A spin-off of The Homicidals Of Bottle Bay
• The Royal Porn Variety Hour: Pornography fresh from Buckingham Palace. Come and see Her Majesty getting taken up the chuffer.

[edit] Now

The network's viewing figures have fallen dramatically over the decades, ever since Stephen Mulhern took control over it, he said of the situation: "I plan to make the slot as innovative and fantatastic [sic] as possible. I mean, whatever doesn't kill me will only make me oranger!" Despite this, CITV has been given it's own channel, the eponymous 'CITV Channel' mainly consisting of repeats of Bratz, Blips, My Parents Are Aliens, The Little Bang, Grizzly Tales For Gruesome Adolescents, Judas Chair's Point of the Matter and ZZZAP! Series 10. At 12pm on weekends, the channel closes down in favour of 'Make Your Play' with Jimmy Tarbuck and Gary Glitter.