Confederacy of Independent Systems

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Jango Fett, Grievous, and Wat Tambor move in to arrest a suspect.

CIS: Confederacy of Independent Systems (also disparagingly called CIS: Confederacy of Idiotic Shitheads by some viewers) was a police drama television series in the Star Wars franchise, airing from 2002 to 2005. However, by "hit" we mean that parents would punish their children by hitting them on the head with a CIS DVD case. The show was notable for its use of droids, clones, Jedi, lasers, 'splosions, and of course, Separatists.

edit History

After the failure of sitcoms like Two and a Half Wookies, and How I Met Your Master, George Lucas and Timothy Zahn searched for a new idea for a show that would make them more money. Searching for characters that they hadn't over-milked, Lucas and Zahn eventually came across several characters who made 10 second cameos in episode 2, and slapped them into a CGI cop show setting.

In the first season, the characters mostly solved crimes that they themselves committed. There was even a 5 episode story arc that centered on Nute Gunray searching for his missing socks. Occasionally the CIS would battle their arch enemies the Jedi, evil cultists who sought to keep peace, bring balance to the force, and other fiendish plots. The 3rd and 4th seasons, in an effort to to appease Republican audiences, concentrated on stem cell research, and how it should not happen. There was even a 30 episode story arc called "The Clone Wars", in which the CIS battled a green donkey named Jackass, and his army of spider-man clones.

But fortunately, it was not to last, for in the fourth season, the show was down to five viewers, plummeting from its all time high of six. After actually taking a look at the ratings for the first time, the producers gave the series a cheap ending, in which everyone was killed by the emo terrorist Anakin Skywalker. The show's end was then celebrated by everyone, especially those who worked on it.

edit Characters

edit Count Dooku

The team leader of the show who immigrated from Middle Earth, after getting his butt kicked by some talking trees. He rarely does any work himself, since he's often too busy "training" his dozens of Dark Acolytes, 80% of whom are angsty, easily-manipulated adolescents; the other 20% are when he wants to try something new.

edit General Grievous

Field agent and Cadaver dog, Grievous was the main character of the series up until the end. Due to the extreme stress that he worked under, Grievous took up smoking, and was up to 12 packs a day by the start of Season 2. The habit had caused his distinct cough, which then caused fans to demand more smoking from him.

edit Asajj Ventress

A bald, gothic, vampire ninja who was apparently female. Sort of. Maybe. A deadly fighter, Ventress killed many with her lightsabers, and many more with her dangerous driving (which perhaps proves she's female. Perhaps). She also excelled in stealth, genocide, and being creepy.

edit Durge

An armor-wearing bubblegum monster who used more guns than Punisher and Rambo combined. With super strength and a healing factor, his only weakness was 30something men named Obi-Wan. Durge met his demise when he went drunk driving and crashed his ship into a sun.

edit Sev'rance Tann

An overgrown demon smurf who was unique because she was one of the few characters who was not a complete shithead. Unfortunately, she got into some "contract disputes" with the producers (aka wanted more money) so her character was killed off at the end of season one.

edit Darth Sidious

The boss of the CIS, whose main purpose was to belittle the rest of the cast. Too rich and lazy to leave his house, he communicated with the team through holograms, E-mails, and shouting really loudly. It should be noted that he was the only character who did not die at the end of the series. Speculation would arise, if anyone actually cared.

edit Jango Fett

An armour clad bounty hunter who was so vain and narcissitic, he cloned himself 50 million times, so he could always look at himself wherever he went. When Jango wasn't hunting Bounty paper towels, he'd be abusing his son Boba by using him for target practice. Instantly hated by both fans and writters alike, he was killed off early on by some black guy selling Windex.

edit Nute Gunray

An Asian frogman who generated 95% of the bitching in any given episode. Capable of buying massive armies, his only weakness was 9-year old junkyard slaves and hot female Queens and Senators.

edit Wat Tambor

A robotman, who served as the team's tech wiz and computer geek. Cursed with extreme asthma, Tambor must walk around in special inhaler armour 24-7. As his name suggests, he is also good at playing the tamborine.

edit San Hill

A deformed cone-head who, despite wearing dress, screaming like a girl, and watching Will and Grace, is not gay. Acting as the team's ME, he had to work blindfolded since he was sensitive to the sight of blood. Possessing mighty banking powers, he can crush foes with his high interest loans.

edit Legacy

3 feature films, 121 episodes, a beach of broken dreams washed ashore by the tears of the young and old, and an artificial island of plastic toys half the size of Texas. Also about an hour and a half of Samurai Jacktion, which got so many Emmy's it's no longer canon.

edit DVD Release

After finding some Chinese workers who were not opressed enough, DVDs of all four seasons of CIS were produced. Today, DVDs of the show can be found through much excavation in Mexican movie rental stores. Actual viewing of said discs, is a high health risk, and should only be done to make sure they weren't taped over. The discs that were not stomped on by their owners are most often used as frisbees, or mirrors.

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