Cgi-bin

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Policy

Not in 65 million years.

“Just because the code is binary doesn't mean our directors or programmers genders have to be.”
~ John Lasseter Personality ROM construct on sticking it, as the man.

The CGI-Bin is where Pixar and other computer animation studios put their aborted, malformed concept ideas and other assorted wastes of electricity; sort of like wastebaskets, rubbish bins, trash cans, recycling receptacles, trash compactors, garbage disposals, land fills or retirement homes. However, The CGI-Bin is far more sinister than just a simple graphics disposal.

There is only one CGI Bin. The NSA has it in the basement, next to the memory hole and the taxidermied angel that Teddy Roosevelt shot for sport. Many users think they learned how those directories work, somewhere along the way to their twin computer science and electrical engineering Ph.D.s. But what they know is all a lie.

edit But how does it really work?

You may be wondering "Well, if this 'CGI Bin' works so well, then why do I see so much shitty 3D renderings when I'm browsing deviantART and other 'art' sites?" The answer is simple.

Everyone has seen that telltale "500 Internal Server Error" occasionally when browsing the internet. The majority of these errors happen from within 'cgi-bin' directories. You see, when Steve Jobs invented the CGI bin, he wasn't thinking clearly (not that he ever thinks clearly, but I digress). He accidentally built a limit into the amount of bad art that the dumps could contain. Through experimentation, it has been found that only 500 renderings may be stored in one dump.

Hence, with dumps filling up all over the place, and with less and less people using 'cgi-bin' directories, Bad Art has fewer places to go. Sometimes, it makes it out into the internet in its true form, causing widespread dislike of 3D modelling websites, art websites that distribute it, and 3D art in general. Even worse, some studios choose not to utilize The CGI Bin and instead just publish whatever they create. It is because of this lack of consideration for the internet and the world as a whole that we have movies like Madagascar.

edit Discarded ideas that got into the bin

In the early 90's after seeing Jurassic Park, Michael Crichton initially conceived ER as the first fully CGI medical drama, with the patients circulatory systems and internal organs fully rendered down to the last drop of polygonal blood pumping from within their veins down onto the operating table. Although the project eventually took a different direction and became live action, the revolutionary medical simulation program would later be reused for one of the Playstation 1's best selling hits, Operation The Video Game: Life Under the Knife.

Shortly after the release of the Star Wars special editions, Francis Ford Coppola remastered the Godfather trilogy, adding bullet time and wire fu action sequences that completed the directors original vision technologically unobtainable in the 70's.

In the late 90's/early 2000's, Pixar was working on a film involving cyborg dinosaurs, with more colorful plumage than a bird of paradise trapped in a Crayola factory fire, and with more fast-moving mechanical parts than a 6-car pile up on the Autobahn. The dinosaurs duke it in upper orbit with surgically implanted jet packs and lots of 3D product placement from Smith and Wesson, before settling the score, claw-and-teeth, in the primeval jungles of a terraformed Mars featuring entirely new forms of plant life created with the help of Monsanto's genetic engineers and NASA's astro-botanists. Surprisingly, it never got past the storyboard stage, creatively inhibited by the technological restraints of the time they instead went with a film about talking crabs that walk very slowly sideways for 2 hours picking up plastic garbage from the bottom of the sea.

At the same time, DreamWorks studios was also working on a film about talking crabs, only for slightly older more politically apathetic and physically exhausted audiences; instead it is set in mermaid Angelina Jolie's thong and with the crabs voiced by 8 out of work comedians from the 80's. Rather than animate a bunch of movement, it mostly consists of the crabs sitting about delivering stand up routines; and rather than come up with new characters the animators just traced the actor's faces. Critics and concerned parents noted that although there are plenty of fish in the sea, none of them are going to look like Will Smith or Angelina Jolie. Although McDonalds was pleased that they at least avoided making chickens or cows look sexy, ultimately PETA and the PTA managed to get the plug pulled on the film for promoting bestiality.

Following the success of Cars 2, John Lasseter was approached with 3 ideas by an old crone; one of those employees of the female persuasion whom is neither virgin princess, dead mother, nor witch whore. One was for the story of a terminally ill child and their doctor seeking a cure to cancer in a rain forest under attack by the clear cut farming needed to produce happy meals. Next, an adaptation of Old Yeller, an Newbery award winning classic which somehow featured cute marketable animals yet acknowledged the existence of death and madness. Third the story of Admiral Grace Hopper featuring a talking moth played by Patton Oswalt, who secretly did all of the work but received none of the credit from the insular world of man. Distracted by a text on his mobile John Lasseter instead went with a movie about talking cell phones, realizing that they didn't even have to move the characters mouths and that the product placement alone would get it half bankrolled. However even the best aid plans of mice and men often go awry, as Dream Works mopped the floor with Pixar when Pinky and the Brain and Ratatouille went head to ginormous head and Steven Spielberg emerged victorious after he told George Lucas that Indiana Jones needed to stay dead, like the mummies he unearthed.

Advances in CGI finally allowed impossible feats of strength never seen before in film like a woman carrying a wounded man on one shoulder, during the super hero film explosion of the mid 2000's, when DC comics made a successful gambit on audiences lining up to watch Wonder Woman kick open the doors to a DC cinematic universe. Marvel proved no competition what so ever, even as Disney pooled all of their resources into their flagship Fantastic Four film, only to have it tank at the box office. Not even sidelining Marvel's first family to make way for the the wildly more popular X-Men in X-Men V F4: Launch of Franchise, managed to interest audiences.

And of coarse who can forget the 3D VeggieTales passion play directed by James Cameron or those 2 hour long car commercials from Michael Bay.

edit The Future of the CGI-Bin

Audiences are becoming increasingly impatient for the holodeck in there living rooms, and are underwhelmed by faux 3d and sweat stained VR head gear; finding anything less than the holographic 0g ballet, and replicant petting zoo passé. Gone are the way of yesteryear are audiences being amazed by Claymation T-101 and ED 209, even as Hollywood remakes every last movie from the 80's desperate for risk free investments on increasingly expensive action movies that require the annual budget of a third world country. Nowadays most cartoons are computer generated, though it is expected by industry analysts that one day Virtually Virtual Reality will allow allow for realistic simulations of what it would be like to work on a traditionally hand drawn animated film.

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