“CERN is possibly the first locator beacon of an improbable wormhole; a wonderfully extravagant way to refrigerate ones sandvich.”
“Anybody can smash atoms. It merely requires a complete ignorance of both physics and science.”
“God particles are 1% imagination and 99% nothing much at all.”
CERN isn't an acronym for anything much at all, although it is a homophone for SERN, since adopted by a conglomerate of pseudo scientific hobbits intent on exposing the origins of the cabal, by examining closely the constituent particle refractions embedded in the theoretical and/or imaginary Higgs field to detect cabolean quarks.
It is in fact rumoured to be nothing much at all, other than the worlds most expensive plot device solely paid for by the renowned reclusive author Daniel Beige for the creation of anti-matter; an unquestionable source of simple solutions to inconceivable plot holes and/or black holes
It has however been confirmed to be a vast underground laboratory known affectionately as ' The_Big_O ' after the popular t.v series. It has been home to a population of weasels, badgers, voles; moles and one particularly annoying toad with an obsession for very fast things indeed. Situated on the swiss/franco border it is purported to be an alternate nomination to the Euro-tunnel for the most pointless underground structure of the century award; costing aproximatly 1 billion dollars per square inch, per light-second.
Its major sponsoring foundation; the Dharma initiative is said by the Ecco-activists of Tree-piece and L.E.A.F to encourage polar bear cloning, giant invisible monsters and criminal use of unresolved cliff-hangers. Evidence to back up such spurious claims is of course immediately swept under the carpet-bombing of the shock and awe strategy used by the worlds media sources.
Within the six main accelerator chambers there is only one water cooler which has caused many unionist disputes between the larger of the particles being abused and forced to run in circles at near the speed of light for more than 12 hours per working week. This has brought into question the Human Rights of particles and their nucleonic elements.
As highlighted by the popular U.K t.v humorous quiz show Q.I: that it has been popularly believed that CERN is the first man made object not visible from space. This is of course completely false; as nothing much at all can also, quite clearly, not be seen.
Hobbit studies of known side effects of CERN's activation have been rumoured to consist of:
- Nothing much at all
- Follicle manipulation of Tom Hanks's cranial bush
- The Lizard Pope's outrage and universally equal condemnation
- Irrelevant list entries
- Asparagus syndrome
- Compulsive desire to invade Poland
- Zombie apocalypse
- Potential destruction of life the universe and everything.
- Star Wars prequels
- Itchy eye syndrome
- Infinite loops
- Go To 1