CBS

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CBS
150px-CBSeye.svg
Eye See You.
Country :
Also available in :
Owner :
East Monkey Land
USA, Mexico, Texas and Your Ass
Doutor Roberto and Roberto Marinho and Viacom|-

CBS, (stands for Cool Bum Sex or Corporate Bull Shit) phonetic for See BS, is a Television station not based in Brazil, but rather, Studio City. CBS has 12345 affiliates, one of them KPSP channel 2 in Palm Springs promises to be a "major city" station for a small market. LOL.

It provides low quality programming to senior citizens with low morales, and is considered to be Nickelodeon for Seniors. Few, if any, decent programmes have come from this network for any demographic under 80 years old, and as such is one of the few organizations which lives up to it's name. On september 432,2006, Cbs' visual teleprotractors failed, and revealed that the network was based in East Monkey Land. CBS is owned by evil meagacorporation Viacom

The Evil Eye

CBS has been under constant media attack since it used the Evil Eye as it's company logo in order to please the Illuminati, however even that didn't get it many viewers. The logo is believed to have come about when the current network owners, Roberto Marinho And Doutor Roberto, was bored in the shower one day. He decided to create a reverse-paradox quantoxic time machine (whatever the hell that means), and travel back in time, and into the world of fiction, to 1984 (the book and time), where he met Big Brother, who told him that eye's are "generally creepy" and also stated that "Dig 'Em' is the greatest American hero ever; Period."

Bouncywikilogo7
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about CBS.

In 1999, CBS were found to have been using the evil eye to conceal hidden cameras used to spy on it's viewing population in the bathroom. However court action was dropped when they realized that the only people being spied on had been dead for 3 years, and that there was no other reason someone would be watching CBS.

If you look at the eye for too long, you will be under the control of CBS, due to it being powered by Hypnotoad.

In the late 1980's the CBS "eye on America" known today did not exsist. it had once been "CBS: Earing you loud and clear" however, Mike Tyson in 1999 decided to bite off more than he could chew, and a few ears, as a result "eye on America" was born. Tyson...yay.

The CBS eye also has a brazilian equivalent. A Brazilian TV Network called Bandeirantes uses an oval, green-yellow version of this eye.


Programmes

The station currently broadcasts Sports, News, and Crap, and is a constant live stream from each employee. Several famous programmes broadcast on CBS include, Crap Case, Craptime Sunday, and Crap Scene Investigation. They make sure that Bruckheimer guy produces all of their shows. All of which have received several awards for being the epitome of crap in their field. They also have Letterman, who is much funnier than Leno, let's face it.

Attempts were made at one point to broadcast to a larger audience, and CBS launched a Satellite to broadcast to other countries, such as those in Europe, their first mistake was attempting to broadcast the local news, their second was thinking that Frisbees and satellites worked in the same way.

Coming this fall, CBS is creating a reincarnation of Hawaii 5-0. CBS is trying to convince me that it's 1986 again. You don't see NBC bringing back Miami Vice, so why is CBS bringing back Hawaii 5-0?

Please note that, by far, their most successful vehicle is Renault 12, which averages an audience of almost three people per car (which consist of your mom, some random guy from Parma, Ohio, and some guy I go to college with)


Current Line Up

7:00 PM 7:30 PM 8:00 PM 8:30 PM 9:00 PM 9:30 PM 10:00 PM 10:30 PM
Sunday 60 Years (the average age of all the journalists on the show) Million Dollar Safeword Rush Hour Rastafarians: The Hidden Menace
Monday Local Programming The Big Gang Bang Theory How I Fucked Your Mother Two and 3 Quarters Men (also known as "Charlie Sheen Isn't Winning") Rules of Enragement (since David Spade is still an unfunny douchebag with a job) Renault 12 (Dacia 1310)
Tuesday NCIS ('Nother Crime Investigation Show) In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watches YOU! Daterape: To Catch a Predator
Wednesday Lack of Talent with the Stars CSI: Morgantown, West Virginia CSI: Chicago: The Breaking Wind City
Thursday Greatest American Log CSI: Crap Scene Investigation Show with Some Detective That Thinks He Can Read Minds, Get Revenge on Some Guy Who Killed His Wife and Kid, and Wear Three-Piece Suits All the Time
Friday Jennifer Love Hewitt's Boobs See A Ghost Numb Three Ers The Flash
Saturday Crimethink Saturday Crimetime Saturday 48 Minutes left to live

Fall Schedule

7:00 PM 7:30 PM 8:00 PM 8:30 PM 9:00 PM 9:30 PM 10:00 PM 10:30 PM
Sunday 60 Years (the average age of all the journalists on the show) The Mediocre Race The Bitch Wife CSI: Alaska
Monday Local Programming How I Fucked Your Mother 2 Groped Girls Two and 3 Quarters Men (also known as "Charlie Sheen Isn't Winning, But Kelso From That 70's Show Is") Typical American Couple Hawaii Five-Zero
Tuesday NCIS ('Nother Crime Investigation Show) NCIS in LA(because, we couldn't stop ourselves from making another crime drama with an initialism for a name. ) Ramembah Me?
Wednesday Murderer Criminal Maids CSI: Chicago: The Breaking Wind City
Thursday

The Big Gang Bang Theory

How to Be a Transexual

Person of Disinterest Show with Some Detective That Thinks He Can Read Minds, Get Revenge on Some Guy Who Killed His Wife and Kid, and Wear Three-Piece Suits All the Time
Friday A Gifted Man BDH: Beating a Dead Horse Black and Blue Bloods (with Magnum PI, the single greatest moustache of all time)
Saturday Rules of Enragement (since David Spade is still an unfunny douchebag with a job) Reruns of doomed sitcoms Crimethink Saturday 48 Minutes left to live

Mid-Season Line Up

7:00 PM 7:30 PM 8:00 PM 8:30 PM 9:00 PM 9:30 PM 10:00 PM 10:30 PM
Sunday 60 Years (the average age of all the journalists on the show) The Mediocre Race Rush Hour CSI: Dallas
Monday Local Programming How I Fucked Your Mother Your Mom: The Sitcom! Two and 3 Quarters Men The Old Adventures of Old Christine Super Mario World's Funniest Home Videos
Tuesday NCIS ('Nother Crime Investigation Show) NCIS: Houston Daterape: To Catch a Predator
Wednesday Lack of Talent with the Stars CSI: Miami CSI: Flint, Michigan
Thursday Survivor (of CBS's Thursday night lineup) CSI: Crap Scene Investigation CSI: Your Ass
Friday Ghostbusters Keep off the Medium. Order a Large. (|-|4.-4(73.-z
Saturday Crimethink Saturday Crimetime Saturday Walker, Texas Ranger: Forever (also called "Chuck Norris Owns the Muthafuckin' Universe")

The Rural Purge

Sometime in 1969 CBS executives noticed that while their country themed programming was drawing strong ratings from old people, they were no longer a hit with big city advertisers. Rather than keep on being called "the only network that still doesn't have indoor plumbing" CBS executives decided it was time to give those old rednecks the boot. The first show to fall victim was Petticoat Junction. It was replaced by The Mary Tyler Moore Show. The numerous cancellations prompted Pat Buttram to make the observation: "Oh My God, They killed Lassie. You bastards!" CBS was now on it's way to making money and for a while was actually hip, but as time went on CBS would once again become the network for old people.

Financial Troubles

It currently attracts just under 6 viewers a year, and makes approximately $4 (Canadian) a year in revenue, however recently viewing figures have increased almost 50% with the launch of their new flagship program, I Love Lucifer[1]. Recently, however, the company has fallen into debt after it's owners, Roberto Marinho And Doutor Roberto, spent $10 of company money, all 2 of his employees were outraged and since threatened legal action. They had to borrow an extra $20 to pay for all the "brilliant" shows that are on daily off some Loan Sharks, who in turn broke their kneecaps and scrotum's. They are currently residing in a back alley hospital, having sold one of their kidney's to keep CBS running.

Death

After Viacom's death, Sumner Redstone joined the CBS team and destroyed it from the inside created a new and resurrected Viacom.

See Also

Footnotes

  1. http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/UnNews:CBS_Announce_New_TV_Comedy
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CBS is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.

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