CBBC

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CBBC Logo
The CBBC logo (circa 1966).
CBBC
Another CBBC Logo.
“I never liked it; too childish”
~ Oscar Wilde on CBBC
“HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
~ Chris on CBBC

CBBC is the brand name for the BBC's children's television output, aimed at children aged 4-12 years (that's in case you wondered why there were so many 'breaking wind' sound effects and abrupt raucous laughing in every programme). The service was first launched 67 years after World War I (11th November 1985).

Launch

The first slot started at 3:55pm with Play School with Paella Benjamin and Brian Idiot, followed by 'Noel's Game Show' and 'Newsround' with Jonathan Craven (who nowadays holds an obsessive interest in the Countryfile calendar). The presenter at the time, John Sweeney, had a marionette companion called 'Mr. Ben' (named after the David McKee character). Next year, the Children's BBC slot decided to have more of an American influence and so went behind the scenes to find out how Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles are made. The graphic scenes were then cut and John Sweeney was replaced with Phillip Schofield. A few years later, Phillip made the mistake of broadcasting the BBC One globe before an episode of 'King Rollo' and was subsequentley sent to the BBC's soundproof cell until bosses came up with a punishment. Phillip was fired the next morning.

The 90's

The 1990's were a year when comedians such as Bobby Davro and Mike McClean rose to prominence, and also a decade of great children's television (according to housebound 24-year-olds although thay had arthur). All of the brooms were taken out of a utility room and a few monitors, children's pictures, a gas lift chair, desk and Betacam were set up in it. This was to become the Broom Cupboard, and it was where Andi Peters would introduce the programmes such as 'Get Your Michelin Star Back' (this was later revived on Channel 4 as 'Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares') and 'Bodger & Gopher'. Andi's puppet companion was a duck called Edd and a butler who I've forgotten the name of. 1997 saw CBBC move to 'Studio 9', a room in which obsessive Paul Young fans were stored during his performances. The biggest star of CBBC has to be 'Otis the Aardvark' a ferocious sexual deviant who flirted with stand-up comedians from North East England and made sh*te jokes. Unfortunatley, he was later demoted to the BBC canteen as he wasn't to clash with American-imported cartoon 'Arthur'. In an interview with the Daily Express, he said "The little bastard looks nothing like me."

Today

Nowadays, the CBBC slot is hosted by Iain and a Dog Called Hacker, they ask children to partake in their jolly japes such as sending in pictures of lamposts and made up words. If that isn't stupid enough, on Mornings CBBC is hosted by the two Fat ass bandits from Tracy Beaker who seem to have a fetish for chicken nuggets. Instead of catering for children up to sixteen, programmes such as Grange Hill have been reduced to the level of stupidity, bordering on embarrassing - as to keep in with the new 4-12 year target audience. One of the most controverial of these programmes would be 'Penis and porn In Da House' in which Tom Cruise appeared as a fifth Househead, and got squirted in the face during 'Babba Poorly Mama'. He said to Penis and porn "You're jerks!" and walked off the show to have sex with orphan children.

BRAINONDRUGS
Dunceton during tea breaks.

MyCBBC

Obviously by the name, it is an attempt to make another MySpace (with a spoonfull of Habbo Hotel) rip-off. On this site, kids can shape, make and create their own blog and prepare for other ones like Bebo and Piczo. The two most viewed members of MyCBBC are Michael Jackson and Josef Fritzel.

Programmes

Daily Schedule Programme Description Would kids watch it?
2:30am Television K (Presented by our good friend Jezza Clarkson) Probably asleep.
6:30am Bogies! (presented by John Sweeney) Yeah
7:00am Mock The Week Kids (presented by Frankie Boyle, with what promised to be a clean version of the adult programme. He then proceeded to make jokes about HIV, Stephen Hawking and Scotland Possibly...
7:30am The Likeaballs - more like shitaballs. Yes.
7:45am Jakers - This is an example of a show that should be on the baby version. If you are a Toddler, yes.
8:00am Hider in the House- in which a pervert hides in some kid's house and attemps to rape them without one of their parents realising Yeah
9:00am Penis & porn In Da House. Yeah
9:30am Mother Ted (The story of Ted Hamble - loving father by day - crossdresser by night) Totally!
10:00am The Story of Tracy Beaker (DOUBLE BILL) (a programme which depicts life in a children's home down to a T, except for the parts where foodfights break out and the staff are shouted at. In my day, you'd have got a severe bollocking for that). Tweens will.
10:30am Get 100 (A programme where you have to answer really hard questions to win a Crap BBC goody bag) Definetly!
11:00am Horrid Henry (Where the BBC hack into CITV's transmission) If you love adverts then yeah!
15:35pm Ed and Oucho (Where a man talks to a puppet and who don't have a life and say crap jokes) If you have a sad life then yeah.
16:00pm Pounded (When a man named Hound stops incredibly stupid gaming geeks named MuHaHaHa and Steve from taking over my house.) If you love Google then yeah!
18:00pm Me an' mah Monstas (Features 3 monsters. Haggis, an obese thing with a big ass, Fiend, a man in a crappy monster costume and Norman what a stupid name.) Err...maybe not...
20:00pm Father Ted (Features 3 priests: One is sensible. Another acts like an idiot. His IQ happens to be 20. The last one likes, Drinks, Girls, Arses and saying Feck.) Yep.

Other Shows (See: Nobody Cares)

  • Spaz Patrol.
  • The Mighty Truck Of Fudge.
  • Sorry, I've Got No Penis - Catherine Tate and the Little Britain duo alone could kick their anal rectums any day!
  • Monster Cafe (was taken off as that skull's jokes were copyright of Mad TV)
  • Bodger and Gopher (a spin-off series of Winnie The Pooh, as the character of Gopher joins a second-rate comedian as he struggles to find employment)
  • Big Cock Little Cock
  • The latest frothy BBC One drama series remade for kids
  • The latest reality programme that has Graham Norton laughing all the way to the bank is remade for kids.
  • The Sarah Jane Adventures
  • A fantastic time with Ed and Oucho who brainwash people into believing the cactus is real.
  • Funking Fables - Finally an excuse for children to send photos of themselves...
  • Piss and Kantrop
  • Watch My Penis
  • Red Peter - the programme for cultured kids, but is only watched by gay kids, paedos and Dara O'Briain so he can see Konnie Huq
  • Stupid - need I say any more. This programme is proof that natural selection doesn't necessarily work.
  • The Slammer - which accurately portrays prison life, aside from the sodomy and the bribes. And there's a bizarre weekly ritual of performing to children. This prison is where the british government sent the paedophiles and the murderers and McFly.
  • Hedz - One of the cheapest CBBC programmes they broadcast with people with cardboard for a face. This was recorded when the BBC was 3 days from going into administration.
  • Only in America - A programme where kids are shown why they should move to the USA because that they can get away with Firearms, Skipping school and best of all being able to have good weather.
  • Mcdonalds Adverts- Shows how getting fat can be so much fun.
  • Reruns of Britannia High because CITV is too shit to even broadcast them.
  • MyToons- Finally, children send in movies. The BBC then lie to them and say they WILL be famous.
  • Chris an' Dodge- They've finally gotten rid of the stupid cactus...and replaced it with two puppet dogs. Thank god the idiotic one is gone. This guy acts badly and tells Doctor Who facts to the viewers. BRILLIANT TO US GEEKS!
  • The Dumping Ground- Just when we thought it was safe to go in a care home again, the crappy drama returns with a shite new actress who basically runs around the care home telling the kids they're pregnant or whatever.

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