Central Intelligence Agency
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Central Intelligence Agency is the younger and dumber sibling of the Central Stupidity Agency, which is controlled by the Chinese. The CIA takes a leading role in the USA's efforts to totally piss off the rest of the world.
edit Catalyst for International Atrocities
CIA has worked hard internationally to supply up-and-coming terrorist groups with weapons, overthrowing democratically elected governments, supporting death squads - you name it, they've done it... They like to see themselves as "the guys that are always there - over on the wrong side of the fence" or "if it's immoral, but doesn't serve a higher purpose, then WE'LL JUST DO IT!".
It is in fact a highly ████████ office of government, and was recently rated #2 in the 100 Best Intelligence Agencies program on Channel 4 (losing out to those nice fellows at the FSB). The CIA even ran a mind control program they gleefully baptized MKULTRA, which was aimed at brainwashing peasants for their sadistic pleasure.
Despite being criticized as having done more harm than good in all it does, the CIA has had a remarkable number of success stories including the finding of our beloved Lord High Abitar, George Dubya Bush after he got lost on a walk around his ranch.
edit Surveillance methods
The CIA doesn't ███ on anyone, your grandma tells them everything about you, so they'll arrest you and get her out of the retirement home you put her in. They used to be big in spying, but they were forced to abandon this strategy since they weren't that wonderful on the intelligence thingy. Last time they tried they really did their best, but they were simply unlucky when they mistook the exhaust pipes from a car for a nuclear device from ███████████.
Other important surveillance methods include using a large roll of string and tying the end to the back belt loop of your trousers. As you proceed through your daily routine, the string unwinds, demarcating your path and making it clear exactly where you've been. Trained CIA agents are then able to proceed from the location of the roll of string and retrace your steps. This surveillance method is not easily thwarted, however some have reported success weaving through traffic, which tangles the string and requires the agent to pick out all the knots.
edit Current policies
The CIA would have you believe they are constantly watching terrorists in an attempt to keep you safe. But don't believe this hype - that's what they want you to think!
Research show that CIA employees actually spend much of their time researching the content on websites with titles such as upskirtgirls.com and guten-tag-herr-dingdong.de, but this is ████████████████. Doub-O's uncle is in the CIA. But, lets face it, if you had that kind of power, you would be doing the same thing. The honest truth is that the CIA doesn't give a damn about what ████████████████ do to you or your cats. There was a time when the CIA gave serious consideration to fighting terrorism. However, they haven't been able to find an agent as cool as MI6's 007 - they just wouldn't measure up. It would be like comparing a horse's penis and a cippilata that belonged to █████████████.
Unbeknownst to them, the British have also invested heavily in terrorist groups around the world in recent years as part of their underdog-backing (similar to America's underdog-fucking, but completely different in every way) national belief system. Despite their best efforts, terrorism appeared to be in major decline around the world, with numbers in Northern Ireland, a former stronghold of CIA-backed terror, declining to the point of Seriously Endangered. However in a stroke of genius, the American president, with the help of his British allies, were able to mix religion with warfare to create a potent catalyst for international terrorism. Thanks to him the future employment of both 007 and the CIA are assured.
edit Industrial espionage
Today, CIA directs its razor sharp focus mainly on industrial espionage by penetrating high-tech companies in other developed democracies. And frankly, it’s much more ██████ than looking out for dingbats in third world countries (food is much better!), and American companies need a “competitive advantage”, but mostly because they don’t shoot back at these companies.
Occasionally, when the highly skilled operative gets caught with his pants down and his paw in the jar, the worst that can happen is a *paid* flight back to the States!! And best of all, they keep their mouths shut at the companies and there is rarely ANY negative media coverage AT ALL!!! It's prefect. although you might want to stay quiet around the agents of the CIA, if you tell them you've been reading this article or other things about their organization, they will brainwash and kill you, but mostly kill you.
edit International embarrassment
The CIA was recently embarrassed hugely when it discovered that it had in fact been using black highlighters on many key documents, particularly those concerning its involvement in the assassination of the noted American communist John F. Kennedy (communist as absolutely 100% proven by The John Birch Society in an ad in the Dallas Morning News during the day of the JFK assassination), sometimes with entire pages highlighted due to many frivolous CIA operatives finding the information to be of such importance.
CIA spokesperson, █████ ███████████, explained: "We just thought black was a cool color. You know, black suits, black sunglasses etc. It never occurred to us that the use of a black highlighter would inhibit study of our report on the Kennedy assassination."
edit Iraq invasion
George H. W. Bush decided that Iraqistanaterrorist sand was the best sand in the world for his son's sandbox and that it must be invaded and leveled (except for the oil fields) in order to give Baby Bush an environment conducive to creativity. It is unknown why Baby Bush ended up never learning anything about the oil business while in such close proximity to its workings though, he was always surprised when oil did not instantly make him money. This led to his increased anger, which he often took out on unsuspecting civilians left in the region which he labeled "terrorists". For his extreme cruelty toward the natives, he did though begin to enjoy their national sport, Synchronized car bombing, which has in the past few years grown to become a spectacle of truly moronolithic proportions.
CIA has pulled their weight by setting up concealed recreational facilities for engaging in high-spirited debates with their guests.
edit Working conditions
Sensible, intelligent employees have had a tendency to become disengaged, frustrated and disheartened due to the grave incompetency of upper management. So in reality working conditions are no different from those at any other multinational company.
- ↑ providing Mujahideen with arms and ammo, which █████ later used to shot at.., entrusting Saddam with weapons, which he later..
- ↑ This became much more easy when he was equipped with a dog strap with an integrated radio transmitter that operated at frequency ██7███.93████████.