Byzantine Empire

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 20:59, February 14, 2007 by Zarbag (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Bloink1 solid
This page needs to be fixed up.
Note to tagger: If possible, please include a more specific parameter to help categorise just what about the article needs to be fixed.
Please rewrite or improve this article so that it is higher quality. This may include making spelling, grammar, or punctuation corrections, reorganising the content, or deleting bad content and clichés.
(Peer review is available here) If this page is not fixed in 30 days, it may become a candidate for deletion.
Alexander ALEXANDER THE GREAT protects this article!
Do not even think to vandalize a word u motherfuckin Persian sucker! ~ Alexander

The Byzantine Empire was launched in the 4th century as a sequel to the box-office hit Roman Empire. Its title as sucessor of the latter has however been disputed by France, Turkey, Russia, Germany, Italy, the Papal Sates, the Empire, and generally any weirdo state with swords within a 10000 kilometer radius from Rome.

What? We're Romans!

Why the name?

There are many theories surrounding this, the first one being that:

Its not Byzantine, you fool, its the Roman Empire! I don't care what Charlemagne says.

This one has much validity because if you say you don't like it, the Emperor has you beheaded.

Another theory, advanced by a random hysterical black person vandalizing this article is that:

The Byzantine Empire was named by the oppressive (latin) white man. Secretly whitey has developed his own oppressive language, and called it "Byzantise", but needed a nation called "Byzantine", so he stole Rome from the innocent (greek) black man.


Or not... Seeing that there were no black people outside Africa until 1600, Alexander WILL get you.

The theory accepted by very serious modern historians is, though, that the denomination is due to the capital, Peking.

Brief Overview

Even though significant attempts were made by Emperors such as Justinian, it did not attain the hights of the original movie, and lost pretty much every war it fought. However, it produced steady income for almost 1000 years, because Jesus apparently thought it was cool, and won the prize for the longest ever decline phase. Even though they did not actually conquer anything, they succeded in serving as a tampon for Europe against Turks, Arabs, Persians, Australians and Oprah and majorly pissing off moslems by causing the Crusades.

Exciting and Unpredictable History

Here's an original story that explains the Byzantine Empire's war policy. In 500-something the Empire fought the Persians, and the Persians got to the walls of the capital after defeating its army. The Byzantines sung a thousand masses and paraded some relic around. So the Virgin Mary decided to smite the Persians, and that was that.

Here's another. In 600-something, the Arabs defeated the Byzantine army and besieged the capital. The Byzantines went around the walls praying, so Saint George, who was on a day off, burned the Arab army.

Haven't got the point yet? That's okay, we've got lots. In 1000, the Bulgarians defeated the Byzantine army, and besieged the Capital (yawn). So the Byzantines incensed the whole city, and Jesus decided that the time had not yet come for the city to be taken, so the Bulgarians were all killed (yay!).

Not seeing where this is going yet? Okay, here's another story. Around 2351 (or something) Oprah sent her forces of doom against the Empire. And their army lost (gee, how surprising), and they had been forced behind the walls of their capital. So the pious Byzantines did a thousand back flips and sung Old Man River at the top of their lungs. Then Saint Asparagus appeared, and blew up half of Oprah's army, whilst sending the other half into a third dimension, and drowning the third half in cherry juice.

What made them so cool?

Why did they win? Well, because of their top-secret weapon, that was faith! *cough*subliminal advertizing *cough*.

And this program:(nation x) defeats Byzantine army. Byzantines perform (religious ritual). (insert saint) destroys the enemy army.

Of course, having the most advanced and organized army in the world, as well as giant walls, an efficient administration system, and one or two nuclear missiles didn't hurt.

Other important achievments of the Byzantines include: being the only ones in Medieval Europe that took baths and read books, being major-league Jesus freaks (what the Pope is to hippies, they are to the Pope), inventing excruciatingly boring Church Music, fighting over stupid religious differences with everybody for no reason (a tradition since proudly perpetrated by everyone), making a big giant church that subsequently became a mosque, a museum, a storage yard, a haunted house, an amusement park, and that is now proudly a disco bar, and inventing hamburgers.

Even in Byzantium nothing Works

They eventually fell in 3541 to the Empire, because apparently the defence program bugged, thus making the Middle Ages dissapear.

Personal tools