Anal sex

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Redirected from Butt sex)
Jump to: navigation, search
Edouard-Henri Avril (18)

Artistic portrayal of anal sex. A servant stands by to fan away germ-ridden insects and provide antibacterial hand lotion if necessary.

Anal sex is a form of sexual activity practiced by people who suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). It generally resembles normal sexual activity in that tab A goes energetically into slot B, but the participants mutually consent to keep it as sanitary and orderly as possible. The term is derived from the English words "anal", meaning "obsessive attention to detail", and "sex", meaning "hard fucking." Anal sex is characterized by several factors that are rather unique to sex, such as orderliness and sobriety. Because anal sex differs somewhat from the sexual norm, it is a less universally accepted and even controversial form of sexual activity.

The practice also stems from the natural human curiosity for the other hole; an ancient Greek proverb explains Thy dick is not for vaginal sex, or it would have been formed in the image of an axe.

The role of obsessive-compulsiveness in sexual relations

Historically, sex has been a rather gross and somewhat sticky act. Those who engage in sex are generally prepared to get at least a little messy while doing so. Secretion, sharing, and sometimes violent expulsion of bodily fluids is regular and expected. Additionally, sex may take place in relatively unclean areas, such as on the beach, in cement trucks, or in the third stall of the men's restroom in the lower concourse of Heathrow Airport at 4:30 p.m. next Tuesday. Certain circumstances, such as when couples have quickies in the break room because they have strong needs and don't bother undressing because the boss could walk in at any time, lead to the decidedly unsanitary situation where everybody's clothes, and possibly a box of doughnuts, are soaked with sex-related emissions throughout the afternoon.

All of this, while natural and common, causes problems for those who suffer from OCD. Contact with the fluids of another, even a trusted lover, is nigh unthinkable and sends obsessive-compulsives into panic attacks and premature orgasms (also known as pee pee no no's) due to loss of control, which further exacerbate the problem. Avoidance of sexual activity, however, is infeasible due to the naturally hormonal nature of humans. The common solution is anal sex, an attempt to relieve sexual urges in as clean a manner as possible. It is not always a pleasant experience; sometimes it ends with at least one partner crying in anxiety and shame, and sometimes it doesn't work out at all.

Characteristics of anal sex

Fullbodycondom

Full-body condoms: The perfect aid to the really discerning gentleman or lady.

Traditionally, foreplay acts as a prelude to sexual intercourse and helps the partners get into the mood. In the context of anal sex, foreplay serves the same function, albeit with a different structure. Rather than going out to dinner and a movie, partners will spend several hours religiously cleaning themselves, as well as the bedroom and any adjoining rooms whose designations begin with the same letter, such as the bathroom. Sex toys are carefully organized according to size, color and number of times used. Partners may shave themselves all over in order to avoid the distraction of counting each other's hairs. When it's time for the sexual activity to commence, clothes are carefully removed, folded and set aside for laundering. If touching occurs, it is balanced: as the right nipple is tweaked, so is the left. If one partner performs a certain act on another, the act is returned in kind (this sometimes causes difficulty for couples of opposite sexes).

During anal sex itself, the the first and foremost objective is sanitation; pleasure comes second. Condoms are therefore a necessity; objects like latex gloves, galoshes, and saran wrap are sometimes used as well, though not usually as substitutes for condoms. In order to minimize mess, lubrication is used as little as possible, although this sometimes results in an uncomfortable experience for the receiver. Partners attempt to touch each other as little as possible; while this goal demands a certain level of physical fitness and flexibility in both partners, this is generally not a problem as obsessive-compulsives spend much of their time running, squatting and jumping in their desire to clean everything. Otherwise, the actual process of anal sex is nearly identical to "normal" sex: insert, thrust until climax, and watch the other partner skulk off, disappointed and unsatisfied.

Much like normal sex, anal sex often involves the use of objects to act as sexual aids. However, instead of supplementing pleasure, as standard toys do, these objects, such as air fresheners and full-body condoms (pictured at left), help keep the sex sanitary. In addition, it is not uncommon for obsessive-compulsives to mix personal fetishes with their anal sex to improve the experience. For example, some hardcore practitioners of anal sex dream of sexual intercourse in radiation suits while swimming in vats of Lysol. Others take their fantasies to greater levels, such as surgically altering the testicles to produce Febreze instead of sperm.

Anal sex is safe in the sense of personal health, as one has a better chance of playing Pick-Up Sticks with one's buttcheeks than catching an STD from an over-medicated, hyper-paranoid, hyphen-over-using obsessive-compulsive. Additionally, pregnancy as a result of anal sex is is very rare, partly because of condom usage and partly because the men sometimes go a little too far in sterilizing themselves beforehand. In some instances, the sperm inherit the man's anal nature and are too busy counting each other and organizing into orderly formations to form a zygote.

Coincidentally, anal sex is rather popular among the homosexual population. This may have something to do with the fact that women can be quite messy in a sexual sense, from vaginal lubrication to periods, and that they often insist on cuddling afterward, which involves unnecessary bodily contact. Men, on the other hand, are able to be impersonal and distant about sex, traits that fit the ethos of anal sex. For similar reasons, anal sex among lesbians is exceedingly rare and mostly performed for ceremonial purposes.

Anal sex and porn

Pornography depicting anal sex is generally unpleasant to watch, due to its robotic, organized nature. Nonetheless, a disproportionately high percentage of commercially available porn depicts anal sex. Anal porn stars are among the most punctual adult actors and actresses, leading adult film producers to prefer them over other porn stars. A producer can hire an OCD porn star and be certain that they will be in the studio three times a week at a predetermined time, exactly on schedule. Anal porn therefore constitutes roughly 70% of available porn; this has started a bit of a trend among young, naive adults who think a video called "Anal Beauties XXXVII" will be either kinky, hardcore, or arousing in any way.

Because of its low quality, some advocacy groups argue that anal porn poses something of a threat to teenagers viewing their first pornographic content, and that such teens may become completely turned off to sex upon viewing anal porn, leading to a life of sexual repression, frustration, and an inexplicable desire to vote for political conservatives.

Controversy

Cleanchurchsign

Religious groups have taken to passive-aggressively protesting anal sex.

Anal sex is a controversial practice. While obsessive-compulsives have used it to find relief that has been difficult to achieve otherwise, critics attack the practice, saying that it is "weird" and "unnatural." Religious groups have argued that God intended sex to be a dirty act, and that it should not be perverted by introducing an obsession with cleanliness. In support of this argument, they have cited passages such as Genesis 16:1, wherein Abram ejaculates all over Hagar's face and hair before defecating on her chest and spreading the feces around with his buttocks. Some religious groups have gone so far as to organize protests against anal sex and launched websites such as god-hates-soap.org.

Supporters challenge the claims that anal sex is weird by pointing out that anal sex is simply an extrapolation of common sexual practices, even among non-OCD partners. "Look, would you want to ride the baloney pony in a mud puddle while wearing clown suits and singing Celine Dion?" asks Kay-Why Gellhi, author of Anal Sex and You: Embracing Your Inner Mr./Mrs. Clean. "Well, to each his own, but anyone who would want that is a lot weirder than anyone who practices anal sex. There's nothing wrong with keeping your sheets clean, or making sure all the toys get put away, or keeping the shampoo bottles and steel wool away from sensitive areas like the eyes. It's common sense and I don't understand all the persecution for it."

See Also

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 11 August 2010
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/11 August 2010Template:FA/2010</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects