Buster Keaton
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“If you're going to make a comedy without sound, you'd better have a bowler and a Hitler mustache.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Buster Keaton
An artist's depiction of what Buster would have looked like at age 25 had the Earth been colored.
Buster Keaton was a unique and talented comedic actor during the silent film era. Most recognized in America, he was also known throughout the world as "that one other silent movie guy who isn't Charlie Chaplin".
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[edit] Life Pre-Acting Career (the unimportant years - feel free to skip this bit)
Buster Keaton was born in 1895, and was like most people of that time: unfunny, proper and boring. At the age of 15, he was learning how to crochet when he accidentally stabbed himself in the brain. This damaged the boring lobe of his brain, and as a result, he decided he wanted to pursue a career in comedy. And not Bill Maher comedy, real comedy! So he studied the works of Oscar Wilde and Henrik Ibsen, and mastered the art of physical comedy by the age of 17. This is also the same age he lost his virginity to a (the ever famous ocupation of) meat packer's daughter named Helga - a fat, ugly woman, but a woman nonetheless. Keaton then attended Devry University for higher education where he wasted years of his life in a way that fails to merit description here.
Finally, at age 21, he auditioned for his first movie role - playing alongside box office giant Charlie Chaplin. He was offered a small part as a police cop who slips on a banana and falls on his back. No matter how many times it was repeated, this joke remained fresh, (in the final version of the film, 45 minutes of screen time were devoted solely to showing this banana scene over and over again) and Keaton was ready to try his hand in the movie business.
[edit] Acting Career (Okay, you should probably read this bit)
Keaton's role as the police officer in the movie Men Inflict Terror in a Suburban Economic Class of Newlyweds was a big success, although many credit this to the catchy title. He was then entrusted with slightly bigger roles, most notably as a man trying to rob a bank using a naked 8 year old boy as a naked human shield, in the comedy 54th Street Heist. This brought some controversy to the film, and Keaton is quoted as observing:
| Controversy creates cash, so if you don't like my movies you can burn in Hell! Okay? |
Keaton quickly rose the ranks of silent movie stars, eventually garnishing his first lead role in the box office hit Runaway Train VII: Missouri Battlefield. He was best known for his stoic face and crazy physical antics, like a white version of Jackie Chan except not as cool. His star was rising fast, and he was pimping Black women by day and White women by night. (Asians in the afternoon and Puerto Ricans in the early evening.) He used clever business techniques that he had learned from the art of crochet to propel him further in the business world, and to land him in several script pools for his own movies. At age 27 Buster was the second highest paid male actor in the United States. But who was the first, you ask?
[edit] Box Office Rival
Despite all of Keaton's great skills and fame, Charlie Chaplin was still getting more: more attention, movie deals, money, cars, houses, promotional posters and sex! Sex! Keaton couldn't stand the fact Chaplin got more and better sex than he did, so he vowed to prove that he was the better and funnier man. Chaplin had managed to cement his public persona with his signature role as the little tramp, and his movies were making so much money that he was able to make it rain on hoes regularly and often. He even had to hire a designated money thrower as his hands were hurting.
In every aspect of Keaton's life Charlie managed to one-up him. If Keaton ordered a regular sized bowl of soup Charlie would order a large. If Keaton had a girlfriend who rated a seven (maybe a weak eight) Charlie would have an eight (maybe a weak nine) girlfriend. If Keaton got a cute dog Charlie would get a cute puppy. If Keaton won a Golden Globe Award Charlie would win an Oscar. If Keaton got his own private parking space Charlie would get his own private parking lot! This constant superiority of Charlie was starting to get under Keaton's skin. Then perhaps the cow that tipped over the lamp that started the great Chicago Fire happened in late October or some month with 28 days. Charlie Chaplin during an interview with NBC radio poked fun at Keaton's crocheted scarf. Charlie was then named the king of hurtful satire. Due to Chaplin's comments Keaton's crochet sales dipped as many consumers began to believe Keaton did not sell quality crocheted products.
This didn't go well with Keaton, and thus he decided to take on Chaplin at the premiere of what would later become his most infamous film: City of Lights. Keaton arranged for his feature silent film Boise Dreams to premiere on the exact same night. Both experienced a strong turn out, but Chaplin managed to beat Keaton by a mere 1.7 million dollars at the opening box office. In terms of money today, that would equate to... a lot of money! An article by Variety reported that Keaton had not yet proven himself against his more famous rival, and Keaton sulked away into obscurity - not making a movie for four years, which in today's terms would equate to... a lot of years!
[edit] Final Film
After a four year hiatus, Keaton had spent almost all of his money feeding his addictive crochet habit. Finally, he decided to try and restart his career in the silent movie business, and signed onto a movie deal with Warner Brothers. The movie cost over 10 million dollars to make and the company was banking on Keaton's talent to pull in interest and, ultimately, revenue for the film. But fate can be a cruel mistress, as proved by the opening night.
Buster Keaton opened up his latest movie hoping for one last run of success. That night, the movie theaters were packed - not to see Keaton's Macroeconomics: The Movie, but to see a movie by the name of The Jazz Singer, the first movie to ever feature actual dialogue and sound! Nobody wanted to see Buster's mildly interesting film about an Assassin who has to take on an army of darkness while simultaneously wielding only one sword, crocheting his own armor, and protecting the president’s daughter (and her beloved poodle Muffins). Instead they opted to see a racist cracker singing and jiving while painted up to look like a Negro.
Once again, Keaton's film was a flop, making only $500, and almost throwing Warner Brothers into bankruptcy. Had it not been for Warner Brothers' selling military secrets to the Russians, we would never have Bugs Bunny.
[edit] Final Years
After the utter disaster of his final movie, nobody wanted to hire Keaton, and he was forced to retire to his small Missouri home where he practiced crocheting for the remainder of his life. He eventually committed suicide, crocheting his own hangman's noose. He hung himself from the top of his private movie theater, which he had set up to play all of his movies on a never-ending loop.
Most experts blame Keaton's suicide on the influence of Heavy Metal music. The subliminal messages in the songs of Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne were responsible for all suicides between 1950 and 1990, including Buster Keaton's.
Nobody is quite sure exactly when Buster Keaton died due to inflation of years - it is known that he killed himself six years after his final movie, but due to inflation that could equate to 20 years or more today. Dead and alone, he is now most known for almost destroying the Warner Brothers Company, and crocheting some cute mittens.
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