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“You just put -izzle at the end of the word. ”
|Buster M.J.K.M. Rhymington III|
|Date of birth||December 12, 1962|
|Place of birth||Enköping, Sweden|
|Date of death||n/a|
|Place of death||n/a|
|First Lady||Megaman Manchild|
|Term of office||1995–1991|
|Preceded by||George W Bush|
|Succeeded by||George W Bush|
|Political party||That doesn't really sound like fun|
Buster McFadden Jhafan Kingston Mowgli Rhymington III, better known by his stage name Busta Rhymes (born May 20, 1972), is a Haitian-born polka-techno crossover artist. He occasionally dabbles in rap. He is notable for his uncanny ability to rhyme any word in the English language, and 96% of the Portugese language. His long-awaited album release, Chinese Autonomous Collective, stayed in production for 17 years amid controversy, becoming a music-industry punchline until its 2008 release. It sucked ass, and thereby blossomed from a music-industry punchline into a global punchline. In this respect, it was highly successful.
edit Early years
Buster Rhymington III was born to a fifth-generation water smuggler, Bob Johnson, and a registered nurse, Philema Lagerlöf, in Enköping, Sweden. His father named him Buster; after the legless family horse, Buster. His mother chose the last name Rhymington in case he ever became a rap legend. His father called this decision "short-sighted and unlikely", and Buster's mother "died during childbirth." Johnson later told the press, "It saddens me to think I will not live to see a rap legend named Busta' Lagerlöf. This is a sad day for the music industry." He then shot six reporters before throwing a smoke grenade behind him as he threw himself from an eighth-storey window, screaming, "TELL NO ONE!"
edit Discovery (1972)
Buster was discovered by talent agent Ostrich Starshine Captain, after Buster experienced a violent sneezing fit mistaken for a freestyle. Captain took the young orphan under his wing, teaching him how to tuck his arms under the opposite armpits and pose for photos for hours. Buster killed his master in a sparring match, pulling the Star of the Mormons from his master's bloody chest.
He spent eight years climbing the Yao Tam mountain, finally reaching the top and fighting to avenge his long-lost uncle's death. As he plunged the watermelon into the Monkey King's liver, his Uncle Roy climbed with much difficulty over the lip of the Yao Tam peak, brushing dirt and toothpaste from his bloodied garments. Buster fell to his knees and raised his hands toward the heavens, realizing he had killed his greatest under false pretenses. He cursed Ra, god of the Sun, for his misfortunes, and drawing his sword, stabbed himself fully through his own temple, dying instantly.
edit The Coming (1996)
Buster's first album was released by Bobby G's Discount Recording Studio and Poutine Bar. The album was sold out of the trunk of his car, underpriced at just "the chance to get close to people". The album sold six copies, all of which reside in the Busta Rhymes Memorial Museum in Buster's basement in Winnebago, New Jersey.
As a result of being the only album released in 1996, The Coming topped the charts, filling spaces 1 through 946. It went triple shiny platinum with rubies and gold, as the standards for platinum records were experimentally lowered around this time. This gained Rhymington enough attention to secure him a contract with relatively-unknown (at the time) producer Rhyming Master Doctor Bo Dizzle Jee Orange.
edit When Disaster Strikes (1997)
However, it soon became clear that Rhyming Master Doctor Bo Dizzle Jee Orange was actually an electrical storm wearing an American Eagle hoodie. Rhyming Master Doctor Bo Dizzle Jee Orange threw off the overpriced garment as soon as they were alone together in Rhyming Master Doctor Bo Dizzle Jee Orange's studio, The Place Where You Die. Buster withdrew the Star of the Mormons from the secret pocket within his colon. He thrust the bloodstained stainless-steel talisman to the sky, and a streak of light came down, vaporizing Rhyming Master Doctor Bo Dizzle Jee Orange in a six-mile round shockwave of blood and ginger ale. Buster's flesh was ripped off by the blast, and he was never seen in person again. A statue in the town of Skingrad was erected in memory of the countless lives destroyed by his reckless use of the Star of the Mormons, still clutched in the grasp of his charred sketelon.
edit E.L.E. (Extinction Level Event): The Final World Front (1998)
Despite the name, not actually that exciting.
edit Anarchy, Genesis, and It Ain't Safe No More (2000-2002)
Rhymes, as he was now beginning to be known, traveled to Chicago in order to unite with Dr. André Romell Young, who at this point was a world-renowned producer. Rhymes, after arriving in Chicago, realized he had forgotten something very important. He quickly reboarded the plane, proceeding to kill all passengers with a refreshment cart. He ripped the bulletproof steel door to the cabin off its hinges, breaking the pilot's necks and setting them on fire with a cigarette and his own gasoline-lick saliva. Seizing the controls, he took off and flew towards Japan. Unbeknownst to Rhymes, a survivor from first class stalked behind him. The passenger sliced the onboard piano open surgically and silently, removing the third C sharp wire. He held its ends in his balled fists, creeping into the cabin. A crazed look possessed his face. He dropped his hands and pulled back. Rhymes began to choke, clutching the wire instinctively. The man pulled ever harder, cutting his palms open. Finally, Rhymes collapsed in a heap. The first-class passenger (now positively identified as Johannes Georg Bednorz), being an inexperienced killer and not recognizing the subtle differences between falling and death, stopped choking Rhymes. His eyes widened as he simultaneously realized he had both killed a man and had no idea how to fly a plane.
Bednorz seized the controls tenderly, wincing as the fresh gashes in his hands contacted the joystick. Rhymes rose silently, kicking Bednorz in the face and knocking three teeth out of his mouth. Grabbing a piece of torn metal from the door, he slit Bednorz's throat, throwing the corpse out of the hatch. He returned to the controls, noting that the plane had not refueled in Chicago was thus out of gas. Rhymes returned to the passenger area, stepping gingerly over the dead and dying. He braced himself, breaking the plastic window with his head and climbing out. He fell forty-two feet before crashing through the roof of a hut.
An enraged witch doctor stared down at him. Rhymes' head swam. He barely managed to kick the doctor in the head, spilling a white powder across the floor. The villagers who had been watching in interest dropped instantly as the disturbed powder reached their respiratory systems. Rhymes covered his mouth with his shirt and fled the hut, stopping only to take a magnum from a downed villager.
Much later, through circumstances which are believed by historians to have included stealing a flying helicopter, strapping himself to a missile, and placing the missile in the helicopter's missile shaft on a time release; Rhymes arrived at the place which had started him on his quest so long ago, the summit of Yao Tam. As a child, it had been the source of much taunting and mockery from Ostrich Starshine Captain that he had been unable to draw the Musical Tiger Longsword from the Port-A-Potty Of Pain's seat. He entered the Port-A-Potty, his forehead coated in blood and sweat. Every muscle in his body strained as the sweat glazed his nose. His fingers began to break one by one as he poured the sum of his life experiences, his uncanny strength and aptitude for rhyming, into pulling that damned sword. Suddenly, the sword ripped through its enchanted plastic prison, sending Rhymes flying off the mountain as his muscles uncoiled. He landed at the bottom, a bloody mess, cushioned by a monster truck derby.
After building the monster trucks, wrecked cars, and monster truck drivers into a fully functional S-42 American Military Bomber Jet, he returned to Chicago and recorded three albums with Dre, who later claimed "[Dre] would not have worked with Rhymes if he hadn't landed in a bomber jet and threatened me with the Legendary Musical Tiger Longsword. And recording the album was fun too. He's a lot of fun to work with." Dre then laughed hysterically and took a nap.
edit The Big Bang (2006)
Busta Rhymes has conceded in interviews that The Big Bang was likely the worst work he did in his entire career. He was ridiculed by the scientific community for his assertion that The Big Bang took place in 2006. His work was called "dubious at best" (Al Jolson, Scientific American, January 2006 Edition), "...hmm, that's odd, I distinctly recall last year happening" (Seanbaby, Electronic Gaming Monthly, February 2006 Edition), and one writer even went so far as to call Busta Rhymes prezentz The Big Bang "[bad]" (Jann S Wenner, Rolling Stone, posted December 6, 2001). After The Big Bang crashed and burned, Rhymes left the scientific world and returned to his true love: music. His next album would surpass every Guns and Roses album made between 1994 and 2007 in sales, leading Axl Rose to grumble and pout.
edit Back On My B.S. (TBR 2019)
Leading musical assumption experts predict this album will outsell: all Guns `n`Roses albums made between 1994 and 2007, Duke Nukem Forever (sales estimates as of March, 2003, at least), and the Indrema L600 Entertainment Console.
edit Legal issues
In late August 2006, he was arrested for three months due to a charge of murder in the eighteenth degree when he watched Total Recall right before watching the news and seeing a mutilated body had been found with its eyes popped. Said Rhymes one year after the incident, "I thought it was kind of a freaky incident, but the police called it a 'copycat crime'. So whatever." Police then dropped from the ceiling, beat Rhymes, handcuffed him, and brought him back to jail on charges of being black near cops.
In late November 2007, he was arrested once again on charges on being black near cops. (see Legal issues)
edit Jon Stewart
When Jon Stewart told Daily Show viewers to purchase his new book, Naked Pictures of Famous People at exactly 5:00, December 18, 2003, in order to "beat the system" and temporarily topple Busta's life story, Become Affluent Or Perish In The Attempt from the #1 Bestseller spot, Rhymes responded by posting on his weblog, "who the f*** is jon stewart?" In response to this vicious, clueless attack on his person, Jon Stewart sang at the Rockefeller Centre for Christmas.
edit Hulk Hogan
For a short time in January 2007, Hogan became frustrated with Busta's cavalier attitude, culminating in Rhymes' violent slaying of Hogan in Louisville, Kentucky. However, the two later decided to ignore their differences over tea at Sergeant Slaughter's birthday party, and now Busta claims the two are "bestest pals."
- Busta Rhymes Takes A Shit (2004), Himself
- Bobby Johnny Bob, The Crime Solving Toothpaste Tube (2006), Voice, Tommy G Tha Hamsta Pimp
- Busta Rhymes Takes A Shit II: You Actually Bought Tickets To This (2007), Himself (credited as John Lennon)
- Busta Rhymes: Shit Machine (2007), Himself
- Busta Rhymes Takes A Shit: Redemption (2007), Extra (not credited)
- Busta Rhymes Takes A Shit V: Busta Rhymes Does Not Take A Shit (2008), John Connor
edit Work outside of rap & science
That's what she said!