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“Please Help me get out of this shit hole”
Burnley is a small market town in the North West of England, famous for its entirely white population. However this has changed remarkably in the last 20 or so years with the uprising of Stonyholme (stonybronx) aka Little Asia. Stoneyholme has a population of 15 people per two bed terrace and there are a lot of two bed terraces. Although this is much lower than that of the burnley wood, brunshaw and stoops area of town where the number can reach up to 32.
The football club have always been a division one team, with a brief taste of premiership fame in 2009/2010. They have a long-standing rivalry with Premiership winners Blackburn Rovers, who most Burnley FC fans secretly adore. Their home ground Turf Moor was built largely out of old compressed cardboard boxes and discarded toilet rolls and it thus it received its first name, it wasn't until early in the 20th century that the final letter was changed to a 'f'. If you haven't anything nice to say about Burnley "SAY NOTHING AT ALL"
Hollands pies. Every week theres a pie competition to see who can eat the most pies but since theres only one person in the town he normally wins. It has also been noted that turnips seem to act as some form of currency in takeways but the mathematics behind this system have never been found out by outsiders.
Badger baiting is the national sport of Burnley, after years of mediocrity forced football fans to seek alternative entertainment. Another popular local past time is to attend the weekly Burnley Borough Smack-Rat Cage Fighting league. This particularly brutal custom (held in the Stoops area's famous Hepatitis C Stadium) involves two or more crack/smack fiends being locked in a cage with a multitude of weapons and only one ten bag. The ensuing blood bath is regularly attended by crowds of up to 60,000. One particularly famous bout saw Gary Hamilton, Aiden Gracey and Boris the Bag Rat in a three-way rumble (with special guest referee, reformed crack hound, Danny Holmes) attracting a record crowd of over 90,000 with thousands more locked outside. This is the entire population of the town. Another popular sport is called 'Kurb crawling', and is played throughout stoops. Spanking Ho's is a popular spin-off of this sport. The locals have embraced technology recently, with the memorable achievement of installing a gas lamp on the 24th April 2006. It is now reported that as many as 13 people operate working gas lamps in Burnley. Right in the heart of Burnley stands the legendary singing ringing pie-tree. It only produces its fruits twice a year for one week, each branch fruits different strains of Holland's pies and when this happens the locals rush to the site armed with clubs and rocks, ready for a free-for-all brawl in an effort to acquire these much sought-after fruits. There are many full boar pie-sexuals in Burnley, in fact a study from 2007 shows 2/3 of the population are pie-sexual or pie-curious. The official language of Burnley is Feral, although English is believed to have become a popular second language for some. The Burnley phonebook goes from 'A' all the way through to 'A' (with the exception of Rocky Mills, which is a separate species). Some believe that the reason the inhabitants are so fearsomely violent is that they are descendants of The Long Feared town of Padiham.
Burnley Race Riots
In 2001 Burnley took place in the 'Summer Riots of Race'. Burnley joined with Oldham and Bradford to make the racist triangle. Like the Bermuda one but with asylum seekers rather than yachts. When the riots were announced, the middle-class minority were publicly shocked. However it turned out it was the local WI (women's institute) that funded the attack on what they called the heathens of the North. The majority of people involved in the race riots weren't actually of different ethnicities, but were actually gypsy athletes who were being chased by the Nazi locals. The police saw the potential health and safety forms that would have to be filled in if someone would trip. To prevent this they fired tear gas into the crowd of Spandex travellers and eviction notices were soon pinned to their trailers. The race riots ended suddenly when the inbred yokels realised that they were unable to make a fist due to their extra digits.
The people of Burnley , talentless at almost every aspect of life , actually are great at composing music. It is a well known fact that Burnley is the real birthplace of The Proclaimers, They deny this , but we all know it to be true. Mc'ing is all the rage in Burnley.. Well that's what they call it, really the people who MC in Burnley are ugly twats, who think they are going to become STARS, in other words stay on the social all their lives.
Burnley was also home to the anarchist collective / band Chumbawamba, whose major hit, Tubthumbing, involved a man getting knocked down, and getting up again, and getting knocked down again, and getting up again. Eventually the man complained about never being knocked down again.
But don't forget the moshers/emos, who take up about 30% of the population and hang around by the library looking depressed all day long and pretending to be pro skaters. The rest of the population tends to avoid this area - including police, as they usually blast out crappy music from busted up phone speakers and look like they may possibily end up slitting their wrists... or yours.
One of the ancient cultural traditions of Burnley is for the entire white population of the town, after their regular day in the pub stop, to sing together in harmony. Such classics are "How many fingers can you see? Far Far Far too many!!" which is sung as a round. Another famous piece is "Who the fuck turned out the lights?" Although, this song will soon end when Burnley realises about the sun and the moon. Also, the most well known piece at winter time is "All I want for Christmas is two more cousins!!!" Who said people from Burnley couldn't be romantic?
The people of Burnley, however mentally challenged, still have a religion. It is a primitive source of Christianity, with Emmerdale character Zak Dingle as their Messiah. They choose one man (who generally has more than 30 IQ points) every day for sacrifice to Dingle. Worship takes place each weekday in the Church of Wilkinson and Home Bargains...
Some, decreed heathens by the Church of the Dingles, don't believe The Great Lord Dingle is theirMessiah. They in fact believe that Lord Dingle is only a prophet, sent down from the heavens by the true Messiah, it is believed that is the Messiah actually is the man with a beard who works at Gamestation, who's name actually is 'Beard'. He does not deny. He knows it I talked to him Swellhead !!
There is a contrasting religion called "The Clampets" with Granny as their Guru and Jethro Bodine as their educational figure. This is a Hillbilly belief thought to originate fom Barley or Colne.
The Messiah has also got a disciple who sits outside McDonalds asking people if they are okay and trying to sell them big issues that they actually dont need.
The people of Burnley often show their respects to the Messiah by going to a Public House on a daily basis from 11am - 2pm when they are generally open, these public houses are usually within walking distance from their house, although, some dare to travel a little further and visit the ones in town.
For accomodation, the traveller should try the Keirby Hotel, famed throughout the world in asylum seeker circles. Sleeping on the street has the same level of comfort, but the locals do have a habit of stealing and destroying all that is not securely chained to the ground. During the daylight hours, when most of the population cannot surface, the traveller should visit the Dukes Bar or Stoops Estate areas, the town's most picturesque and serene landmarks. Take the time to sample Colne Road's famous singles scene, by getting a car (finding one with wheels may be challenging), and driving up to one of the girls on a street corner. They will demand an upfront payment though. The English pound amounts to roughly 1,000,000 Burnley Barter Stones, these can be purchased in one ton bags from any Travis Perkins bank, meaning that any tourist can swiftly become the richest man in the town. When bored with the urban activities, there are several scenic sites around the area. Many visit the nearby woods, where the documentary of the town, "Deliverance", was filmed. It is also a traditional practice for the more rural residents to 'spend the night' with sheep. The Lancashire Tourist Association warns all travellers not to disturb them during this native mating process, due to the hostile nature of the locals (yet again, refer to "Deliverance").
People from far and wide come to witness the marvel of Burnley's famous horse and carriage transport system. The route, which traverses majestically through the urban jungle of crack houses, brothels and takeaways, provides a rich and fulfilling experience of life inside Burnley. Amazingly, the whole system is ran by one single elderly woman, current "Ms. Burnley" contest winner. She can be seen wandering the streets of Burnley with her 17 cats and her assortment of different sized dildos.
Adam Chadwick, otherwise known as the Human Instrument, is an up and coming hip hop producer born in Burnley, Lancashire. His primary method of beat production includes beating his teeth with his fingernails although he has been known to slap his cheeks with his finger whilst making a cave like shape with his mouth leading to a sound representing an echo. His alter-ego is the Moody Monkey and he is often seen dangling from trees around Townley park on the weekends, drinking a 3 bot with a bag of the good stuff. He has been in a long term relationship now with an Indiana Jones like person for over 2 years, she loves cracking the whip and making her mark, overall she is a lovely girl however and everyone wishes them the best. Wishing he looked a lot like the football legend Christiano Ronaldo Adam is looking to get a major record deal, get famous and meet the Portuguese in person and maybe even have a shot at his heart. Adam also loves casual jazz, picnics and slow, lingering kisses.
Liam Cocker, who is also known by many other names; e.g - Cranky Croc, Limol, The Hulk etc... Liam tends to have anger issues and can quite easily lose his temper over the littlest things, he has been known to smash a watermelon on someone's head until their skull caved in just because they accidentally caught him on camera in the background of a video they were shooting. He also has a strange like of having his fingers nibbled by people. He is also a student of Adam Chadwick's as Adam has been teaching Liam a few of his hip hop tricks to making music with his 'Floppy Fingers'. Liam is beginning to get the hang of it but isn't quite as good. Also a word of warning to those who read this, if you ever come across this person,you are advised to stay at least 19.5 ft away and if he is drunk then just run as at times like that he is a sexual predator.
Burnley has been run by the BNP for several years now keeping a strangle hold on the town useing mind altering substances in the drinking water (which is also used for bathing and washing). They currently plan to raise Hitler from the dead in the town. UPDATE: Hitler has indeed been raised from the dead. He now sells roasted chestnuts with James & Tom Brown.
Burnley Football Club, nicknamed The Clarets(or more commonly dingle/inbreds/bastards), are a professional English football club managed by a 8 year old chimney sweep and based in Burnley, LANCASHIRE. All their fucked up fans maintain that however 10 digits on each hand does not give their players a advantage. They were founder members of The Football League in 1888, and are currently in the Football premier league. They play in a dogshit and blue strip, having played at their home ground Turd Moor since 1883.
A current dingle midfielder, Graham Alexander, just turned 84 is now into his 145th season as footballer and currently lives in the Burnley old folks home.
Burnley have been Football League Champions twice, in 1920-21 and 1959-60, and were FA Cup winners on 25 April 1914, beating Liverpool 1-0. The Clarets also reached the 1961 quarter-finals of the European Cup before losing to Hamburg SV (Germany).
As recently as 1960 they were league champions, but have been outside the top flight since 1976 and from 1985 had a seven-year spell in the lowest tier of the Football League. In 1987 they narrowly avoided relegation to the Conference. Since 2000, they had been in the second tier of the English league, but were promoted in 2009. When the team, all 11(yes sheep are included), went on their celebration bus trip (the A56)all 7 people in the town turned up. The town's road could not cope and shattered.
Owen Coyle (JUDAS) was seen last week making a deal with the RAF for 27 parachutes, as he is scared that they made need them when they come down so fast next season.
The chairman is Barry Kilby although there are rumours that behind the scenes the club is run by a myseterious individual who is never wrong and cannot legally be disagreed with.
In recent times Eddie Howe quit after the background radiation in the town led him to collapse or he simply realised where he was and thought "Fuck this shit I'm out!!!!". It has been reported that the Homeless man near the pound shop, there are too many to be precise, has now taken control by force as nobody was clever enough to stop him
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