Burnley
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Burnley is a small market town in the North West of England, famous for its entirely white population. It currently has a population of 7 people.All of these people are brother and sister and uncle and auntie and mum and dad
Contents |
[edit] History
They've got a Football club that is now a disgrace to neighbours Blackburn Rovers! Not much else to say.
[edit] Food
Hollands pies. Every week theres a pie competition to see who can eat the most pies but since theres only one person in the town he normally wins.
[edit] Culture
Badger baiting is the national sport of Burnley, after years of mediocrity forced football fans to seek alternative entertainment. Another popular local past time is to attend the weekly Burnley Borough Smack-Rat Cage Fighting league. This particularly brutal custom (held in the Stoops area's famous Hepatitis C Stadium) involves two or more crack/smack fiends being locked in a cage with a multitude of weapons and only one ten bag. The ensuing blood bath is regularly attended by crowds of up to 60,000. One particularly famous bout saw Gary Hamilton, Aiden Gracey and Boris the Bag Rat in a three-way rumble (with special guest referee, reformed crack hound, Danny Holmes) attracting a record crowd of over 90,000. This is the entire population of the town. Another popular sport is called 'Kurb crawling', and is played throughout stoops. Spanking Ho's is a popular spin-off of this sport. The locals have embraced technology recently, with the memorable achievement of installing a gas lamp on the 24th April 2006. It is now reported that as many as 13 people operate working gas lamps in Burnley. Right in the heart of Burnley stands the legendary singing ringing pie-tree. It only produces its fruits twice a year for one week, each branch fruits different strains of Holland's pies and when this happens the locals rush to the site armed with clubs and rocks, ready for a free-for-all brawl in an effort to acquire these much sought-after fruits. There are many full boar pie-sexuals in Burnley, in fact a study from 2007 shows 2/3 of the population are pie-sexual or pie-curious. The official language of Burnley is Feral, although English is believed to have become a popular second language for some. The Burnley phonebook goes from 'A' all the way through to 'A' (with the exception of Rocky Mills, which is a separate species). Some believe that the reason the inhabitants are so fearsomely violent is that they are descendants of The Long Feared town of Padiham.
[edit] Burnley Race Riots
In 2001 Burnley took place in the 'Summer Riots of Race'. Burnley joined with Oldham and Bradford to make the racist triangle. Like the Bermuda one but with asylum seekers rather than yachts. When the riots were announced, the middle-class minority were publicly shocked. However it turned out it was the local WI (women's institute) that funded the attack on what they called the heathens of the North. The majority of people involved in the race riots weren't actually of different ethnicities, but were actually gypsy athletes who were being chased by the Nazi locals. The police saw the potential health and safety forms that would have to be filled in if someone would trip. To prevent this they fired tear gas into the crowd of Spandex travellers and eviction notices were soon pinned to their trailers. The race riots ended suddenly when the inbred yokels realised that they were unable to make a fist due to their extra digits.
[edit] Music
The people of Burnley , talentless at almost every aspect of life , actually are great at composing music. It is a well known fact that Burnley is the real birthplace of The Proclaimers, They deny this , but we all know it to be true. Mc'ing is all the rage in Burnley.. Well that's what they call it, really the people who MC in Burnley are ugly twats, who think they are going to become STARS, in other words stay on the social all their lives.
[edit] Religion
The people of Burnley, however mentally challenged, still have a religion. It is a primitive source of Christianity, with Emmerdale character Zak Dingle as their Messiah. They choose one man (who generally has more than 30 IQ points) every day for sacrifice to Dingle. Worship takes place each weekday in the Church of Wilkinson and Home Bargains...
Some, decreed heathens by the Church of the Dingles, don't believe The Great Lord Dingle is theirMessiah. They in fact believe that Lord Dingle is only a prophet, sent down from the heavens by the true Messiah, it is believed that is the Messiah actually is the man with a beard who works at Gamestation, who's name actually is 'Beard'. He does not deny. He knows it I talked to him Swellhead !!
There is a contrasting religion called "The Clampets" with Granny as their Guru and Jethro Bodine as their educational figure. This is a Hillbilly belief thought to originate fom Barley or Colne.
[edit] Tourism
For accomodation, the traveller should try the Keirby Hotel, famed throughout the world in asylum seeker circles. Sleeping on the street has the same level of comfort, but the locals do have a habit of stealing and destroying all that is not securely chained to the ground. During the daylight hours, when most of the population cannot surface, the traveller should visit the Dukes Bar or Stoops Estate areas, the town's most picturesque and serene landmarks. Take the time to sample Colne Road's famous singles scene, by getting a car (finding one with wheels may be challenging), and driving up to one of the girls on a street corner. They will demand an upfront payment though. The English pound amounts to roughly 1,000,000 Burnley Barter Stones, these can be purchased in one ton bags from any Travis Perkins bank, meaning that any tourist can swiftly become the richest man in the town. When bored with the urban activities, there are several scenic sites around the area. Many visit the nearby woods, where the documentary of the town, "Deliverance", was filmed. It is also a traditional practice for the more rural residents to 'spend the night' with sheep. The Lancashire Tourist Association warns all travellers not to disturb them during this native mating process, due to the hostile nature of the locals (yet again, refer to "Deliverance").
People from far and wide come to witness the marvel of Burnley's famous horse and carriage transport system. The route, which traverses majestically through the urban jungle of crack houses, brothels and takeaways, provides a rich and fulfilling experience of life inside Burnley. Amazingly, the whole system is ran by one single elderly woman, current "Ms. Burnley" contest winner. She can be seen wandering the streets of Burnley with her 17 cats and her assortment of different sized dildos.
[edit] Politics
Burnley has been run by the BNP for several years now, who have kept a stranglehold on the town using mind altering substances in the drinking water (which is also used for bathing and washing). They currently plan to raise Hitler from the dead in the town. UPDATE: Hitler has indeed been raised from the dead. He now sells roasted chestnuts with James & Tom Brown.
[edit] Football
Burnley Football Club, nicknamed The Clarets(or more commonly dingle/imbreds/bastards), are a professional English football club managed by the illigitimate bloke Owen Coyle and based in Burnley, YORKSHIRE. All their fucked up fans maintain that however 10 digits on each hand does not give their players a advantage. They were founder members of The Football League in 1888, and are currently in the Football premier league. They play in a dogshit and blue strip, having played at their home ground Turd Moor since 1883.
A current dingle midfielder, Graham Alexander, just turned 84 is now into his 145th season as footballer and currently lives in the Burnley old folks home.
Burnley have been Football League Champions twice, in 1920-21 and 1959-60, and were FA Cup winners on 25 April 1914, beating Liverpool 1-0. The Clarets also reached the 1961 quarter-finals of the European Cup before losing to Hamburg SV (Germany).
As recently as 1960 they were league champions, but have been outside the top flight since 1976 and from 1985 had a seven-year spell in the lowest tier of the Football League. In 1987 they narrowly avoided relegation to the Conference. Since 2000, they had been in the second tier of the English league, but were promoted in 2009. When the team, all 11(yes sheep are included), went on their celebration bus trip (the A56)all 7 people in the town turned up. The town's road could not cope and shattered.
Owen Coyle was seen last week making a deal with the RAF for 27 parachutes, as he is scared that they made need them when they come down so fast next season.
The chairman is Barry Kilby although there are rumours that behind the scenes the club is run by a myseterious individual who is never wrong and cannot legally be disagreed with.
It has now been agreed by all lancshites that the worst thing about Turf Moor (or Turd Moor as it is more commonly known) is that the seats face the pitch.
| Ancient Palatine of Lancashire | ||
| Lancaster | Blackburn | Burnley | Padiham | Liverpool | St Helens | Wigan Preston | Manchester | Blackpool | Rochdale | Stockport | 
|
