Republic of Bulimia

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República de Bulimia
Bulimiaaaagghhh! aagh! aagh!"
Bulimia's flag Coat of arms from Bulimia
(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: No seas simia, practica bulimia (Don't be a monkey, practice bulimia)
Anthem: The March of the Vomitteers
Bulimia's map
Capital Ciudad de Bulímia
Largest city Ciudad de Bulímia (the other ones don't qualify as cities)
Official languages Spanish, Vomiting, some German and Italian speakers.
President General Mathamisso Braveali
Vice-President General Diego Armando Umaparada Repúlsiva
Prime Minister General Alberto Repúlsiva
Independence November 26, 1818
Currency Cucumber Peso
Religions Vomitism, Catholicism, Lutheranism
Main products Vomit and sausages
“Bulimia makes me want to throw up!”
~ General Julio Roca, President of Argentina from 1880 to 1886, on Bulimia

The Republic of Bulimia is a South American country, bordered by Bolivia, Argentina, Paraguay and Brazil. Bulimia is best-known for Anorexia, an autonomous demilitarized zone in easternmost Bulimia, bordering Brazil.

edit History and politics

edit Pre-Colombian Era

Today, little remains of the culture of the country's indigenous population which was supposed to be ethnically related to the To-Pee-Guaranis. Archaeological evidence suggests the Native Bulimians built a relatively large empire that dominated the region for a few weeks in the 13th century. Spanish archaeologists have recovered fragments of a mural of a temple or a palace built during this so-called golden age in their excavations in the central plateau of the country. The mural depicts either a king or a high priest who eats fruit from a gigantic basket, then throws up and places his vomit on a plate apparently to an altar as an offering to the gods.

edit Spanish Conquest

Spanish explorers reached the plains of central Bulimia in the 1560's. They were struck by the abundance of edible fruit and berries, reportedly eating immense amounts at a time, after which they would throw up violently and messily.

Native Bulimians were soon converted to Catholicism by Jesuit missionaries who taught them the Spanish language and grouped them in religious farming communities called "Reducciones" ("Reductions") or, the places where they were reduced into serfdom to the Jesuits. The goal of the Jesuits was to have the Native Bulimians make a living from selling wheat, corn and tomatoes to the silver and gold miners in Peru (so the Jesuits would be getting a lot of silver and gold from the miners at the expenses of the Native-Bulimian work) but the business ended up failing because the Native-Bulimians started using more and more of the production of the farms on their eating-and-vomiting rituals. The Jesuits figured the Native-Bulimians would never completely abandon their Pagan traditions and gave up trying to make them true Catholics, so they sold their lands to small Spanish farmers from the colony of Buenos Aires and left the country for good for forever. These Spanish-Argentine settlers not only introduced there the habit of eating and vomit Churrascos (barbecues) but also acquired the Native-Bulimian culture and began to grow cattle to be eaten and vomited with breads and tortillas.

edit Massacration of the Native-Bulimians by the Spanish settlers

Legends say that these Spanish-Argentine settlers in Bulimia had their first collective crisis of Bulimian Madness with a very gruesome outcome. It all began when they got all their crops and cattle eaten by the Native-Bulimians (who were having a crisis of Bulimian Madness themselves), and as these Spanish saw themselves doomed to starve to death, they resorted to eat the Native-Bulimians who stole their food since they found nothing else to eat. So they ate ridiculous numbers of Native-Bulimians in few hours. Catholicism regards Cannibalism as a mortal sin though, and it made those Spanish-Argentine settlers feel very guilty and throw up. They threw up all the Indians they ate in their Bulimian Madness, and they kept throwing up for the rest of their lives every time they remembered of what they did. Anyways, the Native-Bulimian Indians always discouraged canibalism because they believed the eater would acquire the all the vices and bad habits of the eaten --which would explain why the Spanish settlers adopted so soon the Native-Bulimian eating-and-vomiting habit.

edit Independence and the Bulimian madness

In the early 19th century, Bulimia broke away from Spain together with other Latin American countries inspired by the revolutionary leaders Simon Bolivar and San Martin. Neither never visited Bulimia, though, due to its established negative reputation in the area. The Bulimian madness, as it was dubbed, was a well-known concept at that time already. It refers to the tendency of the Bulimians to eat too much, then feel guilty, and vomit.

Bulimia declared itself an independent republic on November 26, 1818. November 26 is the Bulimian national day. It involves a traditional banquet at the Presidential Palace in the capital, Ciudad de Bulimia. The semi-dictatorial President invites the country's leading politicians, businessmen, clergy, and artists to enjoy a huge 'Independence Dinner'. The next day, the visitors traditionally force themselves to vomit everything they have eaten.

edit Authoritarianism and the Cucumber Revolution

Bulimia soon turned to authoritarian rule. In 1866, due to the war the neighbour Republic of Paraguay got involved with Argentina, Brazil and Uruguay, the President General António López Repulsiva (himself a second-cousin of the Paraguayan dictator Francisco Solano López) moved troops to the nearbies of the Brazilian and Argentine borders, declared State of Potential Foreign Threaten, Martial Law, suspended the Constitution and became Provisional Dictator until the end of the war involving the neighbouring countries; however, his provisional dictatorship lasted forever, and since then the republic has been led by the offspring of General Repúlsiva. The President is the de facto ruler of the country, while the Prime Minister (most often the President's brother or son) is just a comedian performing at various night clubs on a regular basis, attempting to keep the populace content and amused. The so-called Cucumber Revolution of 1972 deposed the Repúlsiva dynasty for a while. The opposition, which took the cucumber as its symbol, demanded more food to consume in a sudden frenzy of the Bulimian madness. Protesters weaving cucumbers stormed the Presidential Palace in September, forcing President José Repúlsiva flee the capital city. The angry out-of-control mob soon emptied the storehouses of the Presidential kitchen. The new republic turned out to be short-lived, however, as the protesters felt ashamed in a couple of hours, threw up, and returned home. The vomit-stained interiors of the Presidential Palace were cleaned and President Repúlsiva was back in control in two days.

edit Italian and German Immigration

Italian and German immigration began in 1874 --after a personal decision of Generalissmo António López Repulsiva in order to have a more varied menu of food in Bulimia-- and lasted until about 1930. The introduction of Italian and German cuisines boosted the Bulimian National culture and the Bulimians began to vomit different kinds of German sausages as like the Dickwurst, the Schlongwurst, the Prickwurst, the Cockwurst as well several species of Italian specialities as like spaghetti, rigattoni, tagliarini, capelletti, canelloni, fetuccini, calzone and, obviously, lots and lots of pizza that made the happiness of the Bulimian nation.

The Bulimians have even an Oktoberfest, celebrated in the city of Bulimenau, where, every October, they drink thousands of gallons of beer to vomit it all afterwards.

edit Anorexia

After the defeat of Paraguay by Brazil, Uruguay and Argentina, the winner countries set an Anti-Bulimian government in Paraguay. In 1882, the new Paraguayan government, backed-up by Argentina, formally complained to Bulimia about their use of the Paraguay River as a vomit sewer and that the Paraguayans and Argentines could not stand any more the stink of the vomit delivered every day in the River Plate basin. The stinking waters that reached Buenos Aires were driving people sick to death there, and the President of Argentina, General Julio Roca, gave an ultimatum to the Bulimian government to stop using the Paraguay River as a sewer or Bulimia would be invaded by Argentina. Since then, the Bulimian government had to built immense ecological vomit processing plants, and the Province of Anorexia, in the easternmost part of Bulimia, by the river Paraguay, was turned into a demilitarized non-eating-and-vomiting area, which forced the people of Anorexia to quit eating at all hence they were not supposed to be vomiting any more. So the Anorexians began starving to living skeletons.

edit Modern Bulimia

The current Bulimian President, Gen. Alfonso Repúlsiva, has conducted some democratic reforms. However, Bulimia is still a somewhat isolated member of the international community. The country is not ignvited to international summits. UN officials say this is because Bulimian diplomats tend to eat too much and then throw up in the middle of a summit. An anonymous UN source says this has occurred "more than once".

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