Buffalo, New York

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“Doesn't it snow a lot there?”
~ Everyone who doesn't live in Buffalo on Buffalo
“That's upstate!”
~ Ignorant New Yorker
“Are you sure this isn't Detroit?”
~ Confused visitor from New York City
“So this is where they invented chicken wings, eh? What a dump, eh!”
~ Angry Canadian tourist


Best known as a drinking town with a self destructive sports problem. Buffalo is a city in the state of New York located just East of the the toxic waste dump of Lake Erie and only a mere 5 miles from the booming metropolis of Niagara Falls, NY. Incorporated as a city in 1832 the city made its rise to power due to the Erie Canal. One time home to the world's second largest steel works in neighboring Lackawanna, New York, and General Motors Corporation's largest engine factory is located in neighboring Tonawanda, New York. Buffalo is in many ways the "Buckle of the Rust Belt." This dirty old broken down city was once home to nearly every grimey, greasy, smoke belching, soot spewing factory you could think of, but of course today most of those plants shut down and they took their jobs to China or Mexico. Also known as the birthplace of hydro power and giving extreme ass-kickings when outsiders tell the they are "New Yorkers." Buffalo is centered culturally, economically, politically and geographically in the midwestern Rust-Belt. Trust me, this is not the sophisticated East Coast. Buffalonians don't even speak in New York accents. In fact, they speak with short flat vowels and heavy final r sounds like people from Chicago, but they dress like white trash from West Virginia.

History

The Pewter Age (Earth Beginning-Sept. 6, 1901)

Buffalo's Pewter Age is widely regarded as the beginning of the world to the moment President William McKinley was assassinated during the Pan American Exposition. The city was on the up, The Pan American Exposition was in town (the Pan-Am Expo would be all but forgotten to history in favor of the World's Fair, similar to former Buffalo Bills star running back O.J. Simpson being known for murdering people and not for playing great football).

The Dioxin Age

The time after the Pewter Age was named after the wonderful series of events that happened in a suburb between Niagara Falls and Buffalo. In a neighborhood now known as Love Canal resided many families with young children and various chemical plants. As the chemical plants spend the early cold war years carrying out research for the Federal Government to beat the Communists by creating the most powerful aphrodisiac known to man, Funky Cold Medina. Studies were performed by Sir Tone-Loc and it was concluded the release of the Funky Cold Medina would cause such fast reproduction in America the food supply would not be able to catch up with the rapid population growth desired to beat the Communists. Funky Cold Medina was buried under the soil in the area to forever hide the effects of this aphrodisiac from the world. The aphrodisiac was so powerful that it was able to have effects on the citizens of Love Canal. It was a major environmental disaster as the population increased ten-fold in just a few years. The EPA commenced a massive cleanup effort and encased the entire area in concrete and plastic to prevent the sex levels from becoming dangerously high in the area.

Neighborhoods

Buffalo

Contrary to popular belief nobody actually lives inside the city limits of Buffalo except the mayor and policemen. Anyone else only works downtown and drinks, watches a sporting event and drinks, watches a free concert and drinks, performs construction and drinks, goes to the bar and drinks, goes bowling and drinks, eats chicken wings and drinks, goes to the library and drinks, drinks and drives, goes to court for said drinking and driving, and pick up friends from the holding center after being arrested for public drunkenness at a Buffalo Sabres game. A few individuals are also rumored to attend AA meetings but any witnesses to this are too drunk to realize what was going on so this has yet to be proven. Buffalo is a city of ethnic neighborhoods too. The southside of Buffalo is full of Irish cops, firemen and wannabe Irish cops and firemen. It's a great place to go for a nice drunken bar-room brawl on a Friday night. Buffalo's westside used to be Italian, or Sicilian more precisely, but now it's mostly Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, African-Americans and white crackheads. Don't leave any valuables in your car. The Eastside of Buffalo is hard core ghetto and a fun place to try to count the number of lime green Chrysler 300s with 22" dubs (good luck with that). North Buffalo is a mix of different ethnic groups and it also has a small sub-section where the hipsters choose to set up house when they want to be a part of the "urban experience." These fools usually run for the city limits after their 5th burglary, 10th car break-in and seventh mugging. That's Buffalo in a nutshell.

Suburbs

Most are largely populated by working-poor whites who swear a lot and drive 10 year old Chevrolet sedans with loose mufflers but there are a few wealthy soul-less, treeless suburbs where executives lucky enough to be transferred to this locale hang their hats. Look for spoiled rich kids swerving and cutting off other drivers in SUVs their parents bought them or smoking pot all day behind Walmart. That's about it.

Niagara Fails

This booming metropolis boasts wonderful world-renown attractions such as a chemical plant District, multimillion-dollar taxpayer-funded tourist attractions that are shut down by the city after a year due to an unpaid electric bill or some stupid shit and then left to fall apart for 15 years, pothole-addled roads that could fuck up a concrete truck, cheap hookers, and a whimsical little place known as the Love Canal. Oh and a waterfall.

Sports

Buffalo has three major sports teams, these consist of Baby Joe Mesi, the Buffalo Sabres, and the Buffalo Bandits.

Baby Joe Mesi

Baby Joe Mesi was Buffalo's pride and joy after completly kicking ass in many boxing matches that were fixed by the local mob, he surprisingly got punched in the head once, ending his career, but only in boxing. Following Buffalo tradition as a hometown hero he had to run for political office and lose, badly.

Buffalo Sabres

The Buffalo Sabres won the Stanley Cup in 1999. If you disagree with this statement you aren't from Buffalo. Buffalo is the world epicentre for lovers of the brainless game of hockey. Plenty of ice to go around for everyone.

Buffalo Bandits

This Buffalo sports team has actually legitimately won a championship, I know, you're shocked a team from Buffalo won something. The team consists of local Indian Reservation Natives in need of a winter job because they have no construction to work on in the winter. They actually win. I still can't believe it.

The Buffalo Bills

Contrary to popular belief the Bills no longer are a Buffalo team, they play in Toronto, seriously. I'm not kidding. Every year they have a ritual of hiring just enough talent to get fans' hopes up for a winning season so they renew their season tickets, then lose a lot, almost every game, making them the second worst team in the NFL behind the Detroit Lions. This strategy coupled with the pyramid scam businesss plan of the owner, Ralph Wilson, got the team stripped of their ' major league' status.

Snow

Buffalonians are hyper sensitive about their city's snowbound reputation. "What's that? You think it's cold and snows a lot in Buffalo? You're an asshole, if you took some time to look your stupid ass 'facts' up you'd realize that Syracuse, NY actually gets more snow than Buffalo and Minneapolis is a hell of a lot colder. That's right we're not freezing our asses off, half the time there's no snow on the ground on Christmas. That's right just because you think you are so cool for thinking there is lots of snow here and knowing nothing else about the city, I'm going to get pissed at you. Then when it actually starts snowing we're going to cry to country it is snowing really hard and act like a pussy in two feet of snow and make fools of ourselves. Because that is how Buffalo does shit, we talk a lot of shit."

Famous Buffalonians

  • Grover Cleveland
  • Millard Filmore
  • O.J. Simpson, sorta
  • Rick James, on second thought, not too famous.
  • John Wayne Bobbitt
  • Wolf Blitzer
  • Timothy McVeigh
  • Fat shirtless drunks wearing hard hats at Bills games.
  • Fat drunk girls who chain smoke and threaten strangers on buses.
  • The Goo Goo Dolls
  • Cannibal Corpse
  • Mr. Freeze
  • The Abominable Snowman
  • Ice Cube
  • Frosty, the Not-Quite-So-Abominable-as-the-Abominable-Snowman Snowman
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