Buddhism

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m (Reverted edit(s) of 87.117.216.162 (talk) to last version by RachelCuccurullo)
Line 1: Line 1:
Buddhism is a religion indigenous to the Indian subcontinent that encompasses a variety of traditions, beliefs, and practices largely based on teachings attributed to Siddhartha Gautama, who is commonly known as the Buddha (meaning "the awakened one" in Sanskrit and Pāli). The Buddha lived and taught in the eastern part of the Indian subcontinent some time between the 6th and 4th centuries BCE.[1] He is recognized by Buddhists as an awakened or enlightened teacher who shared his insights to help sentient beings end suffering (dukkha) through eliminating ignorance (avidyā) by way of understanding and seeing dependent origination (pratītyasamutpāda) and eliminating craving (taṇhā), and thus attain the highest happiness, nirvāņa (nirvana).[2]
+
<!-- No quotes/templates or lists please -->
Two major branches of Buddhism are recognized: Theravada ("The School of the Elders") and Mahayana ("The Great Vehicle"). Theravada has a widespread following in Sri Lanka and Southeast Asia. Mahayana is found throughout East Asia and includes the traditions of Pure Land, Zen, Nichiren Buddhism, Tibetan Buddhism, Shingon, and Tiantai (Tendai). In some classifications, Vajrayana—practiced mainly in Tibet and Mongolia, and adjacent parts of China and Russia—is recognized as a third branch, while others classify it as a part of Mahayana. There are other categorisations of these three Vehicles or Yanas.[3]
+
[[Image:Buddha232.jpg|thumb|right|225px|[[Buddha|The Buddha]] seen here with characteristic snail headgear and smug [[Übermensch|defeated contentment]].]]
While Buddhism remains most popular within Asia, both branches are now found throughout the world. Estimates of Buddhists worldwide vary significantly depending on the way Buddhist adherence is defined. Lower estimates are between 350–500 million.[4][5][6]
+
The philosophy of '''Buddhism''' is yet another eastern doctrine of surrender, predating its [[France|French]] variation by well over two thousand years.<ref>The [[France|French]] however have waged a [[Culture|cultural war]] with Buddhism over originality.</ref> Buddhism was initially founded by a decadent prince to annoy people around the time of [[Socrates]], it has since become second only to [[Scientology]] in popularity amongst LA "''[[Artificial Pseudoscientology|loony bin types]]''".
Buddhist schools vary on the exact nature of the path to liberation, the importance and canonicity of various teachings and scriptures, and especially their respective practices.[7] Two of the most important teachings are dependent origination and no-self. The foundations of Buddhist tradition and practice are the Three Jewels: the Buddha, the Dharma (the teachings), and the Sangha (the community). Taking "refuge in the triple gem" has traditionally been a declaration and commitment to being on the Buddhist path and in general distinguishes a Buddhist from a non-Buddhist.[8] Other practices may include following ethical precepts; support of the monastic community; renouncing conventional living and becoming a monastic; the development of mindfulness and practice of meditation; cultivation of higher wisdom and discernment; study of scriptures; devotional practices; ceremonies; and in the Mahayana tradition, invocation of buddhas and bodhisattvas.
+
  +
The doctrine has since become [[Fame|world famous]], with well known names such as Richard Gere, Colin Farrell and [[Paris Hilton]] practicing the [[philosophy]]. Many report it as being a great way to pick up [[women]], and also a great way to [[Tramp|beg]] outside of the [[Hobo|Big Issue]], particularly in raising awareness of "''causes''" and "''personal issues''".
  +
  +
The [[philosophy]] is currently recognized by renowned [[Terrorist]]/[[New Age Psychology|Spiritual leader]] the [[Dalai Lama]], although those of the [[Lada|“''Slow Vehicle''”]] sect dislike him, they do acknowledge his general awesomeness and his shameless [[Whore|self-publicizing]].
  +
  +
  +
==History==
  +
The first recordings of the movement were in [[Nepal]], sometime in ancient times.<ref>Probably around the time of [[Socrates]], as with all [[Religion]]s.</ref> A wise king called King Sudoku ruled the lands at the time; he was informed by an oracular dream that should his son ever see the real world (outside of the palace) he would turn against his [[Übermensch|aristocratic leanings]] and become imbibed with an affinity for the [[People|plebs]].
  +
  +
The [[King]], as was customary for rich Indians sent his children to the finest [[education]] [[British class system|Eton College]] and [[Oxford University]] could offer. This made The young Gautama stand out amongst his peers and as he grew up he became associated not just for being royalty but also having a non Indian "''tech(-support)''" [[Education|education]] as is customary for most [[India|Indian children]]. Unfortunately for this [[Social Commentary|"''Brit Raj wannabe/social climber King''"]], Siddhartha Gautama went out one night to pick up some [[Whore|hookers]]; after what can be described as the night of his life, Gautama began to notice things (like breasts and vaginas). From then on, Gautama was obliged to aggravate the [[Chlamydia|condition]] by visiting the source of the [[Whore|problem]] frequently.
  +
  +
This really put the dampers on his arranged [[Marriage|wedding night]]. To avoid any further embarrassment Gautama fled into the [[city]]. [[Buddha|Gautama]] found that none of the [[BDSM|forbidden]] [[Anal Sex|vices]] would satisfy him, and he came to the decision that he must become [[Enlightenment|'enlightened']] as was the fashion for [[Nepal]] dropouts.He went in search of peace.
  +
  +
==Beliefs==
  +
[[Image:Monks in Thailand.jpg|thumb|right|225px|caption|Buddhist Monks are seen here [[Hobo|begging]] in [[Thailand]]. The proceeds usually go towards [[Uncyclopedia Health Service|treatments]] for [[Sexual repression|blue balls]].]]
  +
The [[Buddha]] spent some time after running away from home in his throes of [[Heroin|opium]]/[[Russell Brand|sex addiction]]. Reportedly after spending several nights (up to a month according to sketchy reports) the [[Buddha]] emerged smelling of vomit and complaining of a [[Hangover|"''hangover to end all hangovers''"]]. Gautama claimed thenceforth to being "''enlightened''" and began to pursue the great truths he had found whilst passed out under a Bodi tree.
  +
  +
With his new found [[enlightenment]] [[Buddha]] promptly set about making sure everybody else started on the "''path''". The new Buddhists spent their time going to brothels and other less than salubrious establishments ([[Drugs|opium dens]]). This appeased [[Buddha]] a great deal, as it allowed for the all [[Laissez-faire|''laissez-faire'']] attitude of his aristocratic leanings whilst making a [[Socialism|puny socialist]] point he "''picked up''" from hanging around the [[Hoboeroticism|doss houses]]/[[Prostitute|brothels]] he had encountered since his departure from aristocracy.
  +
  +
The beliefs that were known outside of peasant villages started to make a real impact with a variety of well known [[capitalism|adverts]] for [[Flying spaghetti monster|noodles]] and [[Hot Chick|curries]]. [[Buddha]] reportedly found a whole new sphere of wealth so rare in [[India]]. As well as the advertisement cash the new monks who followed [[Buddha]] found that the whole [[philosophy]] could be grafted onto existing [[Culture|cultures]] and [[Walpurgis Night|beliefs]]; this helped to increase the philosophy’s dominance throughout the East.
  +
  +
==Teachings==
  +
[[Image:Buddhistnerd1.jpg|thumb|right|225px|caption|A [[Angry Video Game Nerd|Buddhist nerd]] using his "''meditation powers''" to take out three jocks.]]
  +
The teachings of [[Buddha]] can be seen in the Pali Canon a text heavy edited and approved by the [[China|Chinese]] and [[India|Indian]] authorities for the [[America|foreign devils]]. It can clearly be seen that the Cannon is intended to re-hash many of the older tribal traditions within a more civilized and submissive sub text. This is seen here in the Pali Canon verse 44, Book 2:
  +
<Blockquote>"Verily is not the man wise who forgoes earthly passion to serve a greater master. What if this master is but a master of a shop? Should not the wise one serve this master as a dog to the Sheppard?"</Blockquote>
  +
Other teachings include the support [[Lazy|"''non-action''"]] and an [[Scam|eightfold scheme]] for [[Scam|"''Spiritual riches''"]]. These are often celebrated in those who work for the sect/s of Buddhism for little or no pay, similarly those who burn themselves over wars, or generally provide some sort of [[Politics|political statement]] are also prized. According to all Buddhist scripture, any publicity is good publicity. Any spread of the doctrine globally is also prized; often one may find a monk peddling [[drugs]] or pamphlets down a local shopping mall.<ref>[[Scientology]] has since capitalized on this form of covert street salesmanship and Buddhism is reportedly losing territory to "''Stress tests''".</ref>
  +
  +
These doctrines proved sufficient enough to dupe the impressionable into joining the sect with a variety of teaching and sects forming so as to cater for the previous [[culture]] and beliefs. The main practice of [[New Age Psychology|practitioners]] is to "''meditate''" which consists of sitting cross-legged and thinking about the empyrean whilst attempting to develop "''focus''" and the ability to close out [[Masturbation|"''dirty thoughts''"]]. There is also the recommendation of heavy incense use so that other Buddhists will be able to [[Dog|"''smell you out''"]].
  +
  +
==The incident with the Monkeys and subsequent monastery review==
  +
[[Image:SpidermanTibet.jpg|thumb|right|225px|caption|A depiction of a Buddhist deity (possibly [[Spiderman]]) handing over [[Tibet]] to the [[China|wicked Chinese]]. The [[Dalai Lama]] himself remains philosophic over the matter.]]
  +
In [[1999]] all sects of Buddhism faced a massive lawsuit from [[Jack Nicholson]] over the rape of [[monkey]]s within the Monasteries. The [[Dalai Lama]] for the first time spoke for Buddhism as a whole:
  +
<Blockquote>"Monkey bumming has never occurred within our monasteries, nor will it, or shall we endorse the practice or approval of the bumming of monkeys or apes now or within or apart from our Buddhist beliefs."</Blockquote>
  +
This statement provided a solid rebuttal of the issue however, the [[Sodomy|bumming]] of other animals and [[Ladyboy|Thai shemales]] have dogged the doctrine. It has since become the subject of several internal reviews; however the [[China|China's peoples party]] has outlawed Buddhism over fears that other [[Religion | Religion’s]] could adopt the practice of [[Sodomy|monkey bumming]].
  +
  +
==The Dalai Lama vs. Richard Gere: ''Media whoring as the first and final precept of modern Buddhism''==
  +
[[Media]] coverage of the "''Faith''" has been the prime focus of all the various sects, most notably the ''Über-fundraiser'' extraordinaire, the [[Dalai Lama]]. He has been the [[New Age Psychology|spiritual]] and [[Politics|political]] leader of Buddhism. He was toppled by the [[Chinese]] in his territory of Tibet and has since been perfecting new skills via [[Prince and the Revolution|Machiavellian reading lists]]. The [[Nobody Cares|crisis]] with [[China]] has led to the failed statesman to a career of inciting various problems/disruption in the region. [[China]] has decreed him to be a "''De-stabilizing force in Tibet''".
  +
  +
The current [[Dalai Lama]] rose to ascendency after some hag saw in her tea leaves the signs that this social climbing monk was indeed the leader of [[Tibet]]. He was installed as supreme [[Tyrant|overlord]] in Lhasa, the [[Tibet]] Capital. The monk seeing his power overthrown in the [[1960s]], moved to [[Hollywood]] where he befriended various [[Celebrities|lost souls]] willing to hear the messages/preaching of Buddhism. Most notable of these is Richard Gere who "''took up the philosophy''" to revive a flagging career and to reconcile [[impotence]] with the "''Bigger picture''".<ref>Of cheaper [[viagra]] imports from the East.</ref> Other celebrities have also learned to acknowledge the event with high profile shows like [[I'm an Ascended Master.....Get Me OUT of Here!|I'm an Ascended Master... Get Me out of Here]] and [[Fight Club|"''Sumo Buddha vs. Jap fatheads = Cage Fight special''"]].
  +
  +
==Footnotes==
  +
<small><references /></small>
  +
  +
==See also==
  +
{{Wikipedia}}
  +
* [[Philosophy]]
  +
* [[India]]
  +
* [[Buddha]]
  +
* [[Dalai Lama]]
  +
  +
==External links==
  +
* [http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/buddhism/ Buddhism] at the [[BBC]]
  +
  +
[[Category:Philosophy]]
  +
[[Category:Religion in India]]
  +
[[Category:Vital articles]]
  +
  +
[[da:Buddhisme]]
  +
[[de:Buddhismus]]
  +
[[es:Budha]]
  +
[[fi:Buddhalaisuus]]
  +
[[fr:Bouddha]]
  +
[[he:בודהיזם]]
  +
[[hu:Buddhista Fundamentalizmus]]
  +
[[it:Budda]]
  +
[[ja:釈迦]]
  +
[[no:Buddhisme]]
  +
[[pt:Budismo]]
  +
[[ru:Буддизм]]
  +
[[th:ศาสนาสารขัณฑ์]]
  +
[[ko:싯다르타 고타마]]
  +
[[zh:释迦模拟]]
  +
[[zh-tw:佛]]

Revision as of 09:57, November 16, 2012

Buddha232
The Buddha seen here with characteristic snail headgear and smug defeated contentment.

The philosophy of Buddhism is yet another eastern doctrine of surrender, predating its French variation by well over two thousand years.[1] Buddhism was initially founded by a decadent prince to annoy people around the time of Socrates, it has since become second only to Scientology in popularity amongst LA "loony bin types".

The doctrine has since become world famous, with well known names such as Richard Gere, Colin Farrell and Paris Hilton practicing the philosophy. Many report it as being a great way to pick up women, and also a great way to beg outside of the Big Issue, particularly in raising awareness of "causes" and "personal issues".

The philosophy is currently recognized by renowned Terrorist/Spiritual leader the Dalai Lama, although those of the Slow Vehicle sect dislike him, they do acknowledge his general awesomeness and his shameless self-publicizing.


History

The first recordings of the movement were in Nepal, sometime in ancient times.[2] A wise king called King Sudoku ruled the lands at the time; he was informed by an oracular dream that should his son ever see the real world (outside of the palace) he would turn against his aristocratic leanings and become imbibed with an affinity for the plebs.

The King, as was customary for rich Indians sent his children to the finest education Eton College and Oxford University could offer. This made The young Gautama stand out amongst his peers and as he grew up he became associated not just for being royalty but also having a non Indian "tech(-support)" education as is customary for most Indian children. Unfortunately for this "Brit Raj wannabe/social climber King", Siddhartha Gautama went out one night to pick up some hookers; after what can be described as the night of his life, Gautama began to notice things (like breasts and vaginas). From then on, Gautama was obliged to aggravate the condition by visiting the source of the problem frequently.

This really put the dampers on his arranged wedding night. To avoid any further embarrassment Gautama fled into the city. Gautama found that none of the forbidden vices would satisfy him, and he came to the decision that he must become 'enlightened' as was the fashion for Nepal dropouts.He went in search of peace.

Beliefs

Monks in Thailand
Buddhist Monks are seen here begging in Thailand. The proceeds usually go towards treatments for blue balls.

The Buddha spent some time after running away from home in his throes of opium/sex addiction. Reportedly after spending several nights (up to a month according to sketchy reports) the Buddha emerged smelling of vomit and complaining of a "hangover to end all hangovers". Gautama claimed thenceforth to being "enlightened" and began to pursue the great truths he had found whilst passed out under a Bodi tree.

With his new found enlightenment Buddha promptly set about making sure everybody else started on the "path". The new Buddhists spent their time going to brothels and other less than salubrious establishments (opium dens). This appeased Buddha a great deal, as it allowed for the all laissez-faire attitude of his aristocratic leanings whilst making a puny socialist point he "picked up" from hanging around the doss houses/brothels he had encountered since his departure from aristocracy.

The beliefs that were known outside of peasant villages started to make a real impact with a variety of well known adverts for noodles and curries. Buddha reportedly found a whole new sphere of wealth so rare in India. As well as the advertisement cash the new monks who followed Buddha found that the whole philosophy could be grafted onto existing cultures and beliefs; this helped to increase the philosophy’s dominance throughout the East.

Teachings

Buddhistnerd1
A Buddhist nerd using his "meditation powers" to take out three jocks.

The teachings of Buddha can be seen in the Pali Canon a text heavy edited and approved by the Chinese and Indian authorities for the foreign devils. It can clearly be seen that the Cannon is intended to re-hash many of the older tribal traditions within a more civilized and submissive sub text. This is seen here in the Pali Canon verse 44, Book 2:

"Verily is not the man wise who forgoes earthly passion to serve a greater master. What if this master is but a master of a shop? Should not the wise one serve this master as a dog to the Sheppard?"
Other teachings include the support "non-action" and an eightfold scheme for "Spiritual riches". These are often celebrated in those who work for the sect/s of Buddhism for little or no pay, similarly those who burn themselves over wars, or generally provide some sort of political statement are also prized. According to all Buddhist scripture, any publicity is good publicity. Any spread of the doctrine globally is also prized; often one may find a monk peddling drugs or pamphlets down a local shopping mall.[3]

These doctrines proved sufficient enough to dupe the impressionable into joining the sect with a variety of teaching and sects forming so as to cater for the previous culture and beliefs. The main practice of practitioners is to "meditate" which consists of sitting cross-legged and thinking about the empyrean whilst attempting to develop "focus" and the ability to close out "dirty thoughts". There is also the recommendation of heavy incense use so that other Buddhists will be able to "smell you out".

The incident with the Monkeys and subsequent monastery review

SpidermanTibet
A depiction of a Buddhist deity (possibly Spiderman) handing over Tibet to the wicked Chinese. The Dalai Lama himself remains philosophic over the matter.

In 1999 all sects of Buddhism faced a massive lawsuit from Jack Nicholson over the rape of monkeys within the Monasteries. The Dalai Lama for the first time spoke for Buddhism as a whole:

"Monkey bumming has never occurred within our monasteries, nor will it, or shall we endorse the practice or approval of the bumming of monkeys or apes now or within or apart from our Buddhist beliefs."
This statement provided a solid rebuttal of the issue however, the bumming of other animals and Thai shemales have dogged the doctrine. It has since become the subject of several internal reviews; however the China's peoples party has outlawed Buddhism over fears that other Religion’s could adopt the practice of monkey bumming.

The Dalai Lama vs. Richard Gere: Media whoring as the first and final precept of modern Buddhism

Media coverage of the "Faith" has been the prime focus of all the various sects, most notably the Über-fundraiser extraordinaire, the Dalai Lama. He has been the spiritual and political leader of Buddhism. He was toppled by the Chinese in his territory of Tibet and has since been perfecting new skills via Machiavellian reading lists. The crisis with China has led to the failed statesman to a career of inciting various problems/disruption in the region. China has decreed him to be a "De-stabilizing force in Tibet".

The current Dalai Lama rose to ascendency after some hag saw in her tea leaves the signs that this social climbing monk was indeed the leader of Tibet. He was installed as supreme overlord in Lhasa, the Tibet Capital. The monk seeing his power overthrown in the 1960s, moved to Hollywood where he befriended various lost souls willing to hear the messages/preaching of Buddhism. Most notable of these is Richard Gere who "took up the philosophy" to revive a flagging career and to reconcile impotence with the "Bigger picture".[4] Other celebrities have also learned to acknowledge the event with high profile shows like I'm an Ascended Master... Get Me out of Here and "Sumo Buddha vs. Jap fatheads = Cage Fight special".

Footnotes

  1. The French however have waged a cultural war with Buddhism over originality.
  2. Probably around the time of Socrates, as with all Religions.
  3. Scientology has since capitalized on this form of covert street salesmanship and Buddhism is reportedly losing territory to "Stress tests".
  4. Of cheaper viagra imports from the East.

See also

Bouncywikilogo4
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Buddhism.

External links

Personal tools
projects