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“I spoke to a dolphin there, it was a gay dolphin, I was happy ”
~ Prince Charles on after falling in Buckie harbour
“They have articles on Inverness, Buckie, Kieth and Lossiemouth but not one on Elgin. It's PC gone mad, you couldn't make it up.”
~ A prick from Elgin on the chip on his shoulder
“I don't care who they support, Buckie's fae Buckfast Abbey which is in Devon and they can't vote SNP down there ”
~ Jack McConnell on Buckie politics

Cluny Harbour

Cluny Harbour

Buckie is a town in the north-east of Scotland with a population of 2103 humans and 18,530 arseholes and has the largest glass bottle fishing fleet within Scotland. The town is situated on the Moray Firth, 60 miles from Aberdeen and Inverness, Buckie used to be part of the United Kingdom but the residents voted to leave it and be run by a SNP clan system. A new country was born "The Republic of Buckie". People in Buckie speak in a dialect called Doric which is originated in Southern Lapland. Buckie people have this knack of "not being able to stop yappin and not listen to whoever they speak too". Its a well known fact that once you start a conversation with a Buckonion you get trapped in what appears a spell like trance and can never leave the community in fear of never hearing someone rabbiting on about fishin boats and fash ever again. A very strange illness called " Mackintosh Boat and Haddock Syndrom". Known locally as "MBHS" or simply "codpox". Hence all the Zombies. Since Independence Buckonions have evolved as a nation and a species. The Zombies were incommers but couldnt get away after getting the "codpox". The rest of the UK isolated itself from the new "Republic of Buckie". Tourists ended up prisoners as a result of the supernatural powers the Buckie nation developed. The zombies do ironing and cooking for the Nationals just so they can hear the Buckie people speak. They get approx 100 pounds a week and some have been allowed to stay with their employers. Mainly at the bottom of the garden in hovvels made of sand and seaweed. Its a win -win situation for both National and Zombie. Buckie has one of the highest Ethnic communities in the British Isles considering its small population. This is one of the trade offs of keeping the arseholes there so that they always had someone to listen to them. As most of the arseholes were tourists and mostly from Glasgow then the new government had to build Curry houses and Kebab shops. Hence the demise of the local fishing industry which now can only cater for Tonis Fish and Ice Cream bar at the harbour. He opens 4hrs per week on a Friday after the dominos and Saturday after the weekly shouting match. A game starts early afternoon where half the population drink heavily for 8 hours and over the day see who can shout the loudest. The game hots up normally about 10pm in the Harbour Bar and can get a bit boisterous and ends with blood on most peoples clothes. The town used to be made up of several small villages which over time grew close to the current town. However a huge 20 foot wall was built by the UK Government around the new Republic of Buckie to keep the "pox" at bay. As Buckie is an international port these days the UK government have no powers in stopping the Buckie Nationals travelling the world spreading the pox. Over the years it has become apparent that interbreeding between the arseholes and Nationals is definitely happening as feared by the local government. Certain Nationals have developed the habit of eating Kebabs and Curries and love listening to themselves talk!

Areas of Buckie

  • Buckpool – Home to the famous Buckfast spring, its juices gather in the ‘Buckpool’ hence the name.
  • Highfield – Has just been bought by Tesco’s to make a car park
  • Ianstown – Home to the Buckie shipyard which built ships such as HMS Victory and the Belgrano
  • Portessie – A former Viking stronghold where women can still be seen dragging trawlers up onto the beach
  • The High Street – Used every Sunday afternoon as a sheep racing track
  • The Yardie – The oldest area built in 1212, and used to be for burning witches
  • Rathven – All of the worlds ice-cream cones are made here
  • Seaton – Famous for its zoo up the narrow side streets
  • Strathlene - Home to the old Buckie Lido, but now a large caravan park for red necks
  • The Burn - A deep gorge which has carved its way between Buckie town and Buckpool, the area is used by randy teenagers
  • The Sloch - Well the name says it all!!!afa fool and mainly populated with arseholes
  • Well Road/Douglas Crecent/Milton Drive/Yuill Ave/Raffan Rd - A large council estate built in the 1960s and populated with tinks from Elgin
  • Wilsons land - Some loon called Wilson owned this bit of land above the Buckie burn

Stay away from the Buckpool highroad, as Charlie Milne has built a lighthouse.

Areas surrounding Buckie

  • Arradoul - A small hamlet on the Buckie by-pass
  • Broadley - Broadley kirk is now a crematorium and burns more dead bodies than an Austrialian wildfire
  • Clochan - Farming hamlet which attracts abnormal people
  • Drybridge - This is the Southernmost area of the Buckie area. Strangely there is no river of need for a bridge and its hardly ever dry due to the rain and is actually pretty pointless.
  • Enzie - Pronounced "INGEEEEE"
  • Findochty (Finectie)- Traditional lama farming village
  • Gollachy - Where the Gollachy burn runs into the Moray Firth just West of Buckie. The area is named after the large numbers of forky gollachs (earwigs) which can be found there.
  • Portknockie - Inbred central where the local girls take advantage of "get a house if you have a child" scheme
  • Portgordon - A traditional fishing village which tourists flock to for its harbour that has the pleasent scent ofstinking of rotten seaweed
  • The Bauds - Agricultural area south of Finectie and Portknockie, should be famous for the battle of the Bauds in 962 AD where the Scots/Pictish army kicked the fucking shit of the invading viking army under the Danish King Eric of the Bloody Axe. Unfortunately in the battle the Scottish king Constantine II was killed, he is considered to be the first Scottish King. Possibly if this had been taught at Buckie High School rather than the great fire of London, people would have enjoyed the class. Also if the tourist board were to do something rather than drinking tea they could make it a good site to visit
  • Slackhead - Surrounded by fields and has a population of 10. Why has this place even got a name?
  • Tynet - Not only is it home to the Scotland's oldest post-reformation catholic church, it is home to Scotland's oldest paedophile ring


Buckie has four main exports helping maintain its economy. The most important export for the local economy is the cruickshanks drink prodution facility and also production of Buckfast tonic wine. The tonic wine is naturally produced by a spring and trickles into the ‘Buckpool’. The spring was discovered in 781 AD by a last surviving wounded soldier trying to escape from a hoard of Vikings. After drinking from the spring he felt invincible, picked up his sword and killed over 100 Vikings before the fled from the demonic soldier. The incredible ability of the wine to help in fights is highly sought by neds. The wine is put in tankers and driven to the Buckfast Abbey in England where monks bottle and market it. Buckie used to have a large fishing fleet, but due to the Zombies exotic eating habits and a bad case of woodworm they all sank in December 2002 in the harbour. The town also had a large slaughterhouse with the ability to kill 10,000 pigs a day. This however had to be shut down as the pigs could not be destributed due to their sky high prices and the ability of shops to get pig meat at cheaper prices


Buckie is most accessible by boat as it is on the coast.Almost Everyone who stays in the town owns at least one boat, however there is a lack of space for visitors boats due to Buckpool harbour being filled in to make a park. By road Buckie used to be accessible from three routes, number 1. This is the coastal A98 from Aberdeen via Fraserburgh, why you would travel there in the first place is a mystery. The other routes come via Elgin home to a beautiful country side full of trees there is aroad of course and the other route is from Keith who have a radio station that interupts the great MFR radio station at night (route may not be available during certain months due to delays etc.).


The jags

The jags

Buckie Thistle was formed in 1889 and joined the Banff and district league.Their first ground was Linzee Gordon Park which used to be the camel race track. Most of the camels are bred now for the Zombies Kebab shops. From the early years of the 20th century, the club’s registered colours have been their famous green and white hoops and a folk legend has developed that the original jerseys were donated by Glasgow Celtic, although there are no documents in existence which support this notion. Today ‘the jags’ play at Victoria Park, a modern 20,000 capacity ground. The current manager is Greg Carroll who turned down Manchester United and Arsenal in order to manage the jags. Since Independence The team has had to diversify and the town has created a new league. The Buckie Premier League where Buckie play Buckie Reserves over a 20 game season Recent crowd trouble has resulted in Buckie FC being fined by the BFA. A trade off for independence means Buckie Thistle will play in the Champions League next year.
TDuncanShearer 1 Unloading kiln

Some guy called Duncan Shearer

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