“Sweet Lord! Don't let the bubble touch me!”
Bubbles are small, round, kittenlike, and probably the most dangerous thing in the universe. That is, only those of the dangerous kind. Most everyday bubbles are as harmless as they appear to be, but that's not the point of this article. The fact is, bubbles have been observed to be evolving, and are expected to eventually achieve an evolutionary position that would allow it to take over the world. Already, bubbles of the dangerous kind - few though they are - have proven to be effective weapons of mass destruction.
Additional to this, bubbles is what YOU may be called in the rare event that your spanking of the monkey goes horribly wrong. It is the result of infinite number of hours spent infront of the Laptop computer and sexual suicide. If and when you try to jerk off but it takes more that 1-2 hours and the substance released is none other that bubbles consider calling the bubbles hotline at 1800-666-powerpuffgirls.
Bubbles is also the name of a well known ex-rodeo clown and Joey Ramone diaper changer, who is currently attempting to have a career as a musician's ass-wipe. He is known far and wide (although he's not as wide as he once was) as the go-to guy for anything a band needs to put on an almost passable concert (as long as the audience is drunk enough).
This article in interest of human welfare
Origin of the species
Not yet afraid of the god-like existence of bubbles? Then think about this: What was the first thing to come out from that primordial soup found at the beginning of the world? Bubbles! Therefore, bubbles were the first things to dominate the face of the planet. It would not be quite the stretch to say that bubbles have continued that reign, unnoticed, all these aeons and have been conspiring and evolving accordingly against this world for the day that they shall take total control. Cat Butt.
However, as ancient as they are, the origins of the bubble were humble. They were mud and were full of methane. Whenever they popped, they would stink. Whenever they popped near an open flame, they would burst into flames. The lights were pretty and, as accidentally as DNA pulled itself together for the first time, the lights signaled a bunch of passing UFOs to home in and land.
Their ship immediately sunk. The bubbles' first kill.
The new gas that the UFO sunk into the soup created the next form of bubbles: Super Bubble. On the exterior - Mud. But the gas inside - Neon. Though several of these were thought to have emerged, they did not rise to their full potential, popping quietly to an unannounced end. But the sixth one was different. After a revelation to itself, it finally knew in itself... It was the One.
Finally knowing this, Neon did what the others couldn't - it flew. Rising from the stink of early Earth, it migrated to another region, and had all sorts of adventures. Eventually, it met its demise atop the volcano Mount Doon, merging with the noxious fumes. The volcano magically exploded and brought peace to mid-Earth.
Super Bubble level 2
In doing so, it caused the rise of a new species of bubbles: Super Bubble level 2. The explosion of Mount Doon allowed local weather conditions to bring upon Earth rain for the first time. Now, bubbles were made of water and filled with a variety of gases. None, however, managed to match the flying power of the original Super Bubble. But it was a major stepping stone for the next generation...
Super Bubble level 3
That had to wait till the modern era. Soap was invented, and bubbles came to be what we see many bubbles as now - Super Bubble level 3. This is also known as the soap bubble, however, the term is not exactly correct. Super Bubble level 3 houses many various forms of bubbles including the bubble made of soap, but it also includes other types of bubbles that can fly including the dreaded bubbles of the dangerous kind...
Bubbles of the dangerous kind
Avoid at all costs. They aren't called bubbles of the dangerous kind (BOTDK) for nothing, you know.
How to spot a BOTDK
Any bubble that has protrusions from its regular spherical shape (say metal spikes, or fucking huge teeth) is more often than not of the dangerous kind. Some, however, have no obvious outward sign of being dangerous, but can be dangerous none-the-less (especially if you see other people trapped within it).
The known kinds of BOTDK, their features and what to do when you meet one are listed below:
- Fire Bubble - uncharacteristically large, have flames coming out of it; flee on sight
- Bobble Bubble - people trapped inside, spewed out of cute dragon sprites; jump out of the way, bring a pin, or wait twenty seconds
- Nasal Bubble - bubble membrane is thick and green and mucus-y, stinks; wipe away
- Dreamland Bubble - black with spikes, moves up and down on fixed path; evade
- Jaw Bubble - fucking huge teeth, theme song by John Williams; chuck scuba tank in it and explode with well-aimed rifle shot
- Tentacle Bubble - uncharacteristically large, have tentacles coming out of it, found only in Japan; don't be school age, a girl, and/or have abnormally large eyes.
- Werebubble - big fangs on a full moon; silver pin
- Raghav - travels at the speed of 30 mph hitting you in the face, i.e. pwning you full on.
- Bubble with one eye - A bubble with one eye that shoots lasers. Hold out a mirror just before the laser fires from its one eye and the laser will deflect back onto the bubble and cause it to burst
- The Chuck Norris Bubble- A giant bubble with the face of Chuck Norris imprinted on it; You are just screwed, unless you trip someone else while running away.
- Dr Octaognapus Bubble- Has eight shiny clawlike arms, uses the BLARG attack. You can either:
A. Try and Shoop Da Whoop it's ass in an epic battle B. Run away(Not suggested, the DOB will use a long range BLARG attack) C. Just go on and die D. Scream "OMG PUDDING!" while pointing in a northeastern direction.
- Hitler Bubble - has a abnormal moustach, german accent, and has followers; turn its followers against it with pie or you are doomed, as it hides behind it's followers like a wimp and will never let you near it
- Belly Bubble- Has a slight pinkish tint, and an inward belly button. Is known to say chants before eating you; Chant Examples are: PAT MAH BELLEH, MUNCHIEZ, and the infamous NOMNOMNOMNOM. Has a song written after it, called Nomnomnom.
- Electromagnetic Bubble (EMB)- an especially rare BOTDK (has the appearance of regular Super Bubble level 3's) that will pop near major circuit breakers, resulting in power-outages and car alarms to go off for a short amount of time. The distinguishing factor of the EMB (as opposed to regular, non-bubble related incidents) is a high pitched yelp that can be heard as the power goes out and comes back on; sounds much like a small dog being stepped on. The most recent recorded incident was by the Thompson family (and friends) in southern Washington, USA in May of 2012. Luckily, this family was in the act of reading the Bubbles page on Uncyclopedia and was aware of the BOTDK's. These are inevitable, there's nothing you can do about it.
That is all.
As dangerous as they are, bubbles of the dangerous kind are rare and are therefore a protected species under most international law. Though some have seen this as a sign of bubbles taking over the world...
Weapons of mass destruction
The US military have been seen to be increasingly utilizing their army of BOTDK, and the effects of which have been invariably devastating. Because of such, the international voices have argued that BOTDK are in fact instances of weapons of mass destruction. They cause mass destruction, they do not discriminate, once they are loose, all hell is with them.
The latest well-documented use of these BOTDK was that of the Werebubble in the war against tourism. Dropped on a bunch of unsuspecting Chinese tour groups, the bubble snuck into the one of their backpacks and waited. In the dead of night, the full moon shone down and the Werebubble perceived its time has now come. Bursting out of the bag, it went about and caused damage and destruction everywhere. Unfortunately, at the time, it was on a conveyor belt under an airport and the tonnes of food supply on its way to starving African nations were never delivered. Also, a poodle was found to have become a werepoodle upon arrival back home. The owner sued the military after not winning the Best Dog competition.
With the many discoveries regarding bubble history recently dug out from countless fossils, one thing has become increasingly clear: that bubbles are getting smarter.
No one would have believed in the last years of the twentieth century that this world was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man's and yet as mortal as his own; that as men busied themselves about their various concerns they were scrutinised and studied. Yet within our own little world, minds that are to our minds as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.
Only recently rediscovered is a message written on the back of a desk at Monash University pertaining exactly to the scenario scientists have been more and more clearly finding themselves predicting.
Super-intelligent fucking bubbles will take over the world!
A World Without Secondhand Smoke
While a future without secondhand smoke may pose positive health benefits to all particullarly ghetto areas of the world, it is important to note that the entire world may be taken over by bubbles, many possibly of the dangerous kind. Join the fight for a bubble free world at nomorebubbles.com
Traced back from as far as 1994, no one had ever given it a second thought until recent times and now with its rediscovery, a new cult-like religion has been taking over.
Called the Bubblologists (try saying that three times quickly), according to their main doctrine, they believe that Bubbles will evolve with super-intelligence that will allow them to construct modified DC-8 jet planes that can send them to inner-space and blow up strategically placed H-bombs within several volcano sites around the world - the biggest one hidden in the now dormant and buried Mount Doon, now called Uluru, in the middle of mid-Earth, now drifted south and called Australia. When that has been achieved, the radioactive fallout will cause the life-force of dead Super Bubble level 2 Neon to recharge and spawn the next and ultimately final evolutionary step of bubble - Super Bubble level 4.
Independently of the Bubblologists, the scientists concur.
Now is a race against time. From whom was the message from? Why in Monash University, Melbourne? How on earth could the Bubblologists believe something that turned out to be scientifically right? All these questions are not so important, now, as the one of how to stop these bubbles taking over the world!
Super Bubble level 4
The predicted characteristics of the next generation of bubbles are listed below:
- Big brains
- Big muscles
- Big flying distances
- Big teeth
- Big population
- Other big things...
If I knew the answer to that, I would be a world hero.
Other suggestions include reducing bubble emissions globally within the next several years, as in the Osaka protocol, but some nations have seen this as economically not in their interests. They'd rather be dead than unemployed. A big debate is arising, so watch out.
Harshada's Bubbles is a real Person. He exists as a friend and mentor to Harshada, who invented him. Bubbles has a large family who also act as imaginary friends to many. Bubbles is purely a peaceful character who helps all who will befriend him. Unfortunalely, despite his peaceful nature Bubbles has come under persecution from those who are rogue and do not apprecitate his kind nature. The leader of this noutorious gang is none other than Shreyans Nahar, the famous Tamil director. Hate groups have sadly appeared on Facebook and other websites. "These horrible groups must be stopped immediately", confessed Bubbles to the BBC, in fear for his life.
How to kill Bubbles
There is no known method of terminated bubbles. Needles HAVE been tried, and failed. An untried theory of how to kill these bubbles is to get Chuck Norris and these items:
- Safety Pins
- Orange juice
- Jeff Gordon
- 3 unripe pinapples
Once the items are acquired, you mix them in the blender and hand the blender to Chuck Norris. He will attempt to throw the newly formed bomb at the bubble.
WARNING: THIS METHOD IS UNTESTED. RESULTS MAY VARY.
Be bold, be brave, be free.
Watch out for BOTDK.
Bubble up in moderation.
Eat a balanced diet.