From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Bubble Wrap, to most, is ostensibly little more than a pliable transparent plastic material commonly used for packing fragile items - a means to ensure that these goods reach their destination unspoiled; little more than padding to protect CDs, DVDs and sundry precious commodities as they travel through the vagaries of the postal system. And yet it is capable of more - so much more! From stress relief to practical everyday applications, Bubble Wrap has untapped potential, and this article will explore some of those, in the hope of bringing this under-appreciated material the widespread use it deserves!
Isn't that a lovely sound? I intend to take the reader through the fascinating world of Bubble Wrap, and once you've finished, I'm sure you'll be just as enamoured of it as I am!
Bubble Wrap Today
Despite the immense contribution Bubble Wrap has made to modern society, there are still people who can spend days without a single pop - who can open a package, discard the wrap so thoughtfully provided and play with the gadget it encases! Indeed, the only ones who seem capable of appreciating Bubble Wrap in all its fascinating glory are children. Ah, the little children - who will happily unwrap a shiny new toy, cheerfully discard it, and spend quality time with their Bubble Wrap, popping it, squeezing it, enjoying the tactile pleasure its unique texture brings.
Why do adults deny themselves the same pleasures? Every one of you enjoys a little *pop* every now and again, when no-one's looking - just try to tell me that's not true! Are you ashamed then? What of? Why not be like me, and embrace the glory of the Wrap? Hold it close to you, squeeze it tight, feel that glorious *pop* next to your skin, thrill to that sensation! Excuse me.
*pop* *pop* *pop*
Now, where was I? Ah yes, it's time to examine the versatile nature of Bubble Wrap, explore the many benefits it brings to our civilisation, and prove once and for all that these fools disregard it at their peril. At their peril, I tell you!!!
As hard to imagine as this may be, there was a time before Bubble Wrap. A time when people used other substances, such as hay, or tissue paper, to protect their goods as they were conveyed. This world functioned, but I think it is no co-incidence that in the majority of photographs of this time, people are not smiling. They were, without knowing it, cruelly deprived of life's most precious gift - the gift of Bubble Wrap!
Now, I can't be exactly sure when Bubble Wrap was invented, or who by, but I can say with authority that it was invented in time for my birth (for which I give thanks every day) and by a godlike genius who must surely have been showered with Nobel Prizes and so forth by a grateful populace. I have a framed piece of Bubble Wrap on my wall in honour of this unknown legend, and as the ultimate tribute, I haven't popped a single bubble on its pristine surface. Despite the temptation. The very... great...'.
*pop* *pop* *pop* *popopop* *pop*
Don't worry, that was the emergency sheet I carry about my person at all times in case of such an eventuality. I will never pop a bubble of my framed wrap - that is the least I owe the creator!
Other Uses for Bubble Wrap
Yes, we all know about using it for packaging, don't we? But this most treasured of inventions can be used for so much more! Here are just a couple of examples:
Bubble Wrap makes amazing clothing. Most of my wardrobe is now made from this versatile material - hats, shorts, hoodies, raincoats, thongs - the list is endless! And the very best thing about it is that Bubble Wrap is waterproof, so it's fashionable, practical, and it keeps me dry! And it's more breathable than you might think, after all, what do you think is in those bubbles? Air, of course! If my skin is feeling a little sticky and needs some air, I just... *pop* *popopop* *pop* ...and there's plenty of air to go around!
It's also protective, as all clothing made from Bubble Wrap confers upon me the legendary protective qualities of Bubble Wrap! So what happens when I'm walking down the street, giving it *popopop* *pop* *pop* *popopop* *pop* as I go, and not watching where I'm going because I'm giving the wrap my undivided attention, and walk into a fire hydrant or something? Well, as I'm wearing my Bubble Wrap boots, Bubble Wrap leggings and Bubble Wrap pullover, why I just bounce off, laugh at my own clumsiness, smile politely at the Fire Brigade who are trying to use the hydrant for something or other, and continue on my merry way, enjoying the comfortable feeling of that sensuous material against my skin as I go! Honestly, if more people dressed like me, there's be a lot less accidents. Think about it.
Use as decoration
Because of its significant aesthetic properties, it can also be used to brighten up any room! The environs of my
cell accommodation, for instance, used to be so dull, so sparse and concrete-grey, not to mention so dangerous! Seriously - you could injure yourself on the wall during even the most minor of fits. But now that they have decorated it with a layer of bubble wrap several inches thick, it's beautiful. I could sit staring at it for hours, and frequently do. It's far more pleasing than the view from my window would be - if I had one. But who needs one, when you can gaze lovingly at miles of gently rippling plastic, and even reach out and touch it - feeling its almost obscene sensuality under my fingertips, even allowing myself the giddy pleasure of the occasional...
*pop* *pop* *pop* *popopopopopopop* ... *pop*hot lady above mm hm funk funk fu**
Ahhhh, decorative and functional - who could ask for more from their interior decoration? And the best thing is, they promise that if every bubble in this room gets popped, there's more where that came from!
I hope that this article has opened your eyes to the beauty of bubble wrap. I find it hard to understand sometimes that there are some people out there who have yet to open their minds to its charms. My friends all agree with me - when they come to visit, in their smart white coats with their clipboards, they bring me new supplies, and sit happily *pop* *pop* *pop*ping with me while they tell me what wonderful progress I'm making. I'm glad they notice - I am making progress. I've already perfected my technique of washing with bubble wrap (the trick is to rub really hard until all of the dirt is gone, and your skin becomes bubbly and pure); and my next goal of being able to survive on an all-bubble wrap diet is surely within my reach now - if only I could find a way to drink it too, my life would be complete! And then, of course, there's my greatest invention - this hole here...
*pop* *pop* *pop* *popopop* *pop!*
Ahhhhhhh... Please, leave us in this glorious moment...