Brutus
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“Et Tootsie Bruti?”
Marcus Brutus (Full Name: Marcel Marcus Stillettos Luigi 'Cheerios' Brutus-Brutus Ghastly ) is best known for his part in 'The Conspiracy To Fillet Julius Caesar in public' in 44 BC - and being a bad loser.
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[edit] A Family of Brutes
Marcus Brutus was born in Rome to a family of famous Brutes who liked to boast that one of their ancestors had helped found the Roman Republic. His uncle Supercilious Brutus helped his young nephew to join the Optiate faction in the Roman Senate who were well known for their habit of drinking hard alcohol and rigorous carousing . They also called themselves 'Conservatives' but because they were so keen on their booze - the opposition called them the 'Preservatives' as they always seemed to be permanently pickled.
[edit] Choosing Sides
Call it Lepidus's Law - but Brutus gained the unhappy reputation for always backing the losing side. He quickly found himself in the opposite camp to Julius Caesar and when the ruling party broke up on the death of 'Golden Gob' Marcus Crassus in 52 BC - Brutus aligned with the puffball shaped Pompous 'Pompey' Fatguts group. Bad move. The 'Pompey' as they were called played too many away games and lost their team captain when he moved to Egypt to raise funds for the Republicans. Unluckily for Pompey - the Ptolemies were a traditional and incestuous family of Democrats and so they dropped fatso's head a amphora jar and presented it to Julius Caesar when he turned up at the Egyptian front door in 48 BC.
[edit] Sing Whilst You're Losing
Reluctantly Brutus threw in his credit card with the others and joined Julius Caesar's gang . But secretly he was hoping something would really happen to his new benefactor. He mixed cement in Caesar's coffee - or left very slippery soap in the bathroom - but nothing worked. Then he found a kindred spirit - Cassius Claypolis - who was trying to lose weight with the Adkins Diet. He took against Caesar when the latter forced him to eat an entire chocolate cake at a wild party. You see Caesar only liked his friends to be fat and jolly - and Cassius was neither (but then so was Mark Antony - but he had a way to get round this).
[edit] Keep it the Family!
Using Cassius's birthday card list - the two conspirators soon gathered a team of like minded murderers to kill the hated Julius. Their anger increased in 44BC when Caesar announced in the Senate he was now to be addressed as 'El Presidente For Life' and also said he intended to make Rome an Empire and would encourage brotherly and sisterly love in high places. 'I believe in Dictatorship and Democracy' was his new electoral slogan."Everyone can vote for me from now on !'.
[edit] The Team Is Assembled
The names of the conspirators has been preserved - and what each thought he could bring to the attempt to kill Caesar:-
*Marcus Brutus - Head of the team. The front man as he was the best looking. *Cassius - Organiser and knife sharpener. *Decibel Brutus - Brother of Marcus. Had a loud voice . *Dumbell Brutus - Workout specialist. *Catamite Bonerus. In charge of the rearguard. *Marmitus Marmitus In charge of the provisions *Gaius Doarunna' Logistics. *Kamikaze Origami Imported Japanese martial arts trainer. *Scipio 'Skippy' An Aussie who happened to be in Rome on a'G'day World Tour. *Davos Greek knifeman confined to a wheelchair. *Gino Pietermaai Dutch-Suriname guy that had to take the blame. *The Jonas Brothers There to give the assassination teen appeal. *The Marx Brothers Comic relief. *Brothers Karamazov For the more twisted intellectual approach to this killing. *Brothers in Arms Music Mafia. *Lucretia 'Love Interest'. The token woman in a slashed-to-the-thighs tunic - to 'sex up' the assassination.
[edit] So Where Shall the Deed Be Done ?
After gathering the team together - they then spent another week arguing over a date and name to call their 'little secret'. Eventually they code named it 'Idles of Marcel Marceau' - in honour of Brutus's mime artist father who was always feigning work.
Using the technical skills of 'Wiz Brains' Sartoria at the office of Julius Caesar (she hated old Julie because she was prejudiced against carpet rolling Queens like Cleopatra) - they downloaded the Dictator's list of engagements for the day they wanted to do the assassinating bit :-
- 6.00. Hello brand new day !
- 6.05. A Wake Me Up with a Morning Glory for Cleopatra.
- 6.30. A Quickie with the bathman. Helps we wake up.
- 6.40. Meet Mrs Caesar (Calpurnia) across the breakfast table.
- 6.45. Discuss whose turn it is to butter the toast. Calpurnia tells me she had some visions.
- 6.48. Oh good. Showing signs she has lost it. May help me marry Cleo quickly.
- 7.00. Read the post. Order some floggings and executions.
- 7.15. Send messenger to Cleopatra asking her to be ready for a visit later.
- 7.30. Leave home. Sign fan mail in my chauffeur driven chariot .
- 8.00. Arrive at The Senate. Met by some beggar saying I should look out for a man called 'Ike From Mars' (Field of Mars ??) . Difficult to hear what he actually said in the noise.
- 8.10. Say hello to Brutus and my ill looking friend Mark Antony who is also there with wife Jennifer Gluteus Maximus .
- 8.15. Given a raunchy poem to 'peruse at my leisure' by a fan.When I lose interest - she unclasps her top and lets her breasts fall out. Could be a good day !
- 8.16. Remonstrate with Cassius. I point to a sign that says 'No Carving Knives Are to Be Taken from the Senate Canteen onto the debating floor'...
- 8.17. Oh you did read it.. And who are these others with you ? Why has Brutus come with a fork..and..a bowl of salad...oh..oh. ???
- 8.18.ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGh - I HAVE BEEN DISHED !
- 8.19. I'll eat you Bruti for that ! YAZOO CRUEL WORLD !
- 8.45. Dead. Taken out like garbage and burnt on an open brazier in the Forum.
- 8.50. Ashes. I do look so small now that I have become a fag end of history.
- ..... Should be a God by now.
It had all been forseen ! Luckily for the killers - Sartoria hid this list and told Julius that it was going to be a boring day so he didn't need to pack a speech , umbrella or a clean toga. So Julius Caesar went merrily to his doom and a nasty death just after breakfast.
[edit] Colander Caesar
The assassins celebrated their victory by smearing their faces in the blood of Caesar. They cried 'Republicans are back in. The Democrats have lost on the floor of the House ' and ran out to see if they could kill anyone else. But stupidly Marcus Brutus said that the event needed to be commemorated by a speech .
“ I stand before you - the first Assassin to become your leader. I learned from my father that if you want to get to the top - carry a sharp knife . So I have..”
~Marcus Brutus
However the crowd started booing as they were expecting the usual 'Friends,Romans..etc. Seeing that the crowd had turned against them - the conspirators fled Rome in the hope the local yokels hadn't got the news about the death of Caesar.
[edit] They Think It's All Over - It is now !
Those conspirators who were not killed or committed suicide - made their way to Greece as they preferred to die in the land of feta and retsina. Brutus and Cassius made their last stand in a run down taverna in Philippi surrounded by the Roman armies of Mark Antony - and a new comer Octavian 'Fingers' Caesar . The fighting was fierce but short . Cassius and Brutus finally ran out shouting 'We Love You Sarah Palin' before being felled by a volley of sharp arrows. So ended the Republicans.
[edit] Aftermath and Legacy
Brutus and Cassius's bodies were tied to the back of a truck and dragged all the way to Rome in triumph by Octavian and Antony. The surviving relatives of Brutus and Cassius were sold into slavery and their very names became proscribed from ever being used again - a ban that still continues to this day. Octavian and Antony would have lived happily together in a Platonic relationship until he dumped Jennifer and went a lusting after Cleopatra - the Foghorn of the Nile River Development Housing Block.
[edit] Footnotes
- Marcus Brutus never used his other name 'Marcel' except on stage.
- Unlikely.
- The Republicans included a 'Born Again Pagan' political wing of which little is known.
- Or the 'Dictatorcrats' - a name the Republicans labelled the Democrats.
- Hermaphrodites. Those known as Independents.
