Bruce Willis

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“He is most troublesome for a security guard.”

~ Hans Gruber on Bruce Willis

“No, seriously, what the fuck is he talking about?”

~ Gary Coleman on Bruce Willis

Bruce Willis will FUCK YOU UP. He is the creator of all. He commands physics. He discovered humanity under the Red Sea and then planted the evidence for evolution just to fuck with the scientists. And when He feels like it, He will take the entire universe that He has created and blow it the fuck up. Why? FUCK YOU, that's why.

Contents 1 Early life 2 Filmography 3 The Enemies that Bruce has fought 4 Random Facts 5 Little Known Facts 6 Recent Quotes about Bruce

[edit] Early life

After creating Earth, Bruce Willis joined the police force in 1988, and quickly made a name for himself as national hero by defeating evil German invaders with silly accents. The Germans planned to steal American Christmas, but Willis stopped them from doing so by blowing everything up with his bare feet. The only setback with Willis's heroic achievement was that bullet from the black guy at the end...what the fuck was up with that? The guy was DEAD already.

He is best known for defeating evil East-European supervillain Gary Coleman three (increasingly repetitive) times armed with little more than a vest and a strong sense of civic duty.

A champion of Boggle and Hopscotch, he is best known for his Pac-Man skills, which he has memorized the patterns for each of the 12 cartridge releases. Best friend of Bob Waver.

A few years back, Bruce Willis got into a fight with Willis over the naming dispute. Bruce wanted to be Bruce Willis, while Bruce did not want Bruce to be Bruce Willis. And thus a fight broke out, where Willis proceeded to use his Boggle skills to boggle Willis' mind. Bruce Willis lost, and everyone laughed. Willis then changed his name to Bruce Wontus and fell into poverty because everybody mocked him.

Bruce Willis is known to suddenly lash out in freak attacks during peaceful activities such as gardening, shopping etc. The most famous time when his wife sent him to his nearest Tesco to do some food shopping, Some 4 hours later his wife turned on the TV and saw Bruce on the News, he had attacked the store, 171 casualties, 89 injuries, and he was crawling around the shop floor bloody and bare foot with a cucumber where the sun don't shine!

Recently, Bruce Willis became Batman. He believes in corn oil and creating equality in British Columbia. Instead of fighting the old villains (Batman smothered them with a feather duster), he battles the Grinch as well as the Bacon-Men. Most important is that the Grinch and Bacon-Men have worked together to resurrect Mothra to challenge Bat-Willis.Bat-Willis also uses the Brucearang to fight the villains. The only weakness usable by humanity, is sending him to the sun. Currently, the communist party of Russia NATO is working on this.

Bruce Willis took a job with Regal Entertainment Group in the past year, trying to sign people up for RCC (Regal Crown Club) cards. The logic behind this is, while most people won't take the time if it's a normal worker, people would listen to Bruce Willis. So there you go. Please do NOT confuse Bruce Willis with Bruce Frillis

[edit] Filmography

Cancelled

• The Bruce Willis Blows Shit Up Chronicles Volume XVIII: The Last Boy Scout Will Live Free or Die Hard with a Vengeance and Then Drive an SUV Up Your Ass, Motherfucker (2009)

Upcoming Films

• Yippi-Kai-Yay You Mother Fucking Terrorists! 3:Half The Middle East is Wiped by the Power of Bruce! (2015)
• Yippi-Kai-Yay You Mother Fucking Terrorists! 2:Bomb This! (2014)
• Yippi-Kai-Yay You Mother Fucking Terrorists! (2013)
• Fucktrix: Take the blue pill (2012)
• The Last Full Fuck (2011)
• Bruce's Summit (2010)
• Bruce does a Black Chick (2009)
• Backdoor Sluts 9 (2009)

Filmography

• McClane vs Obama (2008)
• Assassination of a Porn Star (2008)
• Live Free or Die With a Hard-on (2007) (formerly known as Live Free or Fuck Hard)
• Whorehouse (2007)
• Perfect Pedo (2006)
• Into the Hedge (2006)
• Fucking Michael Slevin (2005)
• Hard Fuck Nation (2005)
• 16 Cocks (2005)
• Shit City (2004)
• Bruce's Twelve Incher (2003)
• The Whole 10 Inches (2002)
• Bruce's Angels: Dick Throttle (2002)
• Bruce Goes Wild (2001)
• Cumshots on my Son (2001)
• Bruce's War (2001)
• Unfuckable (2000)
• The Kid (2000)
• The Whole 9 Inches (1999)
• The Sixth Whore (1999) (known in the UK as "That Pedo Stole My Son")
• Breakfast with Bruce (1999)
• Bruce Fucks Holly Wood (1999)
• Fuckadeddon (1998)
• Cum Rising (1998)
• Bruce and Demi do America (1998)
• Last Man Fucking (1997)
• Bruce and 12 Monkeys (1997)
• Four Whores (1997)
• Fuck Hard with a Condom (1997)
• Bruce Goes Interracial 2: Bruce's Asian Girl (1996)
• Pulped by the Friction (1996)
• Bruce Goes Interracial: The Colour Black (1996)
• Fucking Distance (1995)
• Loaded Cum (1994)
• Bruce becomes Her (1993)
• The Fuck (1993)
• The Last Little Boy Scout (1992)
• Brucie's Bath Party (1992)
• Gay Thoughts (1992)
• Bonfire Mountain (1991)
• Look Who's Wanking 2 (1991)
• Fuck Hard 2 (1990)
• Look Who's Wanking (1990)
• In Cuntry (1989)
• Fuck Hard (1988)
• The Return of Bruce (1985)
• Blind Girls (1982)
• Bruce Cums (1980)
• The First Deadly Fuck (1980)

Bruce Willis has also been rumored to star in 1979 flick "Deep Inside Bruce", however, since he was only 16 at the time, the evil FBI seized all copies.

[edit] The Enemies that Bruce has fought

• Bruce fought Randy Orton at Wrestlemania XXVII where Randy final was able to us his RKO but little did Randy know that Bruce had C4 strapped to the back of his shoulder and as soon as they hit the ground they exploded but since Bruce is resistance to explosion he was unharmed and pined the stunned Randy Orton.

• Ashton Kutcher
• Godzilla
• Keyzer Soze
• The Gimp
• Alcoholism (eventually won)
• The Death Star
• Tom Cruise
• Brian Peppers
• Xenu and Xena
• Dr. Doom
• Chris Benoit (Hung his ass)
• Aquaman
• Movie Critics
• OJ Simpson
• Jimmy Savile
• Cookie Jesus
• Asteroid
• Sephiroth

[edit] Random Facts

• Has been reported that he accidently killed the actor in the Gimp suit in Pulp Fiction with the samurai sword. Later on, he and Ving Rhames took the corpse over to Tarantino's "Dead Faggot Storage" and they all waited for Martin "The Fox" Scorsese to come and help them out of the situaution.
• Bruce Willis has a couple jingles janglin' in his pocket. But he also has a couple that don't make no noise. Oh yes it's fun time, FUN TIME, fun time, FUN TIME.
• Bruce Willis starred as Auron in Final Fantasy X.
• Bruce Willis was once known for destroying both Death Stars simultaneously, only to humbly step down and place the blame on somebody else before Darth Vader chased him down.
• On the wedding day of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher, it is reported that he did 13 lines of cocaine, drank 25 shots of Jack, and scrounged up all of the after party's Chuck E. Cheese Pizza, leaving the party hungry and quite baffled at the masturbating Willis' behavior.
• Bruce Willis is silliW ecurB backwards.
• When in New York, Bruce Willis vandalizes fire hydrants so that the Fire Brigade can't get water from them. Bruce says that he does this to conserve the water for 'real emergencies'.
• He's revered on a worldwide basis for making sleeveless shirts cool.
• Despite popular belief, it was Bruce that dumped Demi Moore and told her to take her wonderful breasts out of his face.
• Bruce Willis-... you see, he is so cool he is a fact on his own..
• Bruce Willis was once seen fucking your mother in a public lavatory.
• Montel Williams is genuinely capable of causing death or inflicting life-threatening injuries upon people.
• Bruce Willis is terrified of male alligators. Before he knows whether he needs to be terrified or not, Willis has to insert a finger into the croc's love canal to determine the croc's sex.
• Bruce Willis began his acting career as the guy after Christopher Walken in the cast credits in Pulp Friction.
• Bruce Willis' mother is Margaret Thatcher.
• Bruce Willis Is not Bruce Wallis
• Bruce Willis has a pet spaniel called Mittens that was kidnapped by the Francesco Triad
• Bruce Willis' stunt double is a tray of nacho cheese known by the name of "Action Cheese".
• Bruce Willis once challenged Donkey Kong to a barrel throwing competition but came second place (Donkey Kong came in at third place; Gary Coleman won easily).
• Bruce Willis is spongebob's favorite bedtime hero
• Bruce Willis is still running his record-label Jive Records, and currently produces the music of such bands as; Focus, Foreigner and (The) Sex Pistols.
• Bruce Willis once claimed ownership to every single cat in Woking, England. His second home is woking.
• Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.
• Bruce Willis's first job was a taxi cab driver in 24th-century New York City.
• Bruce Willis has the superpower to turn any white shirt a brownish-red in less than a half hour.
• Bruce Willis is incapable of bleeding to death
• Bruce Willis can not run out of bullets, if he does, he uses cars instead of bullets and crashes them into the bad guys and jumps out right before the car hits the bad guys or helicopter.
• Bruce Willis destroyed Gary Coleman's Soviet regime.
• Bruce Willis has a shitty car in Need for Speed: Ultra Revenge.
• Bruce Willis was featured on Suffocation's music video "Abomination Reborn".
• Bruce Willis was once offered the role of Captain America but turned it down to play a bald security guard in some low budget action flick instead called "Die Hard" or something that people cannot remember anyway.
• Bruce Willis is believed to be a "good" American actor. Contrary to usual belief, Bruce Willis is actually a dumbfuck actor who's only intent in his movie career is to "save the day" by blowing up just about everything in sight and still getting some hot raw sex in the end. Search also Michael Bay.

[edit] Little Known Facts

• Bruce Willis invented the word genocide.
• Bruce Willis is the true dictator of Wisconsin.
• Bruce Willis's middle name is Pedophile
• Bruce was once married to Bill Gates, along with whom he fathered The Jersey Devil.
• Bruce Willis was the stunt of Edward Norton at American History X at the bald scenes, and not Vin Diesel, as people know
• When Bruce Willis doesn't want to swear his voice takes on a slightly Jamaican tinge
• Bruce Willis got his start on Hair commercials, and not for the hair on his head.
• Bruce Willis is also the drummer in Alizée's band

[edit] Recent Quotes about Bruce

• "Stop Calling me" - Internet Callback
• "Damn, this guy's a pedophile" - Every Primary School in the United Arab Emirates.
• "Yippie-kai-ay muthafucker" - Bruce Willis
• "The universe didn't need saving, until you fucked it up you moron!" - Michael Moore
• "Why is this man allowed to run around crazy with a gun all of the time?" - Socrates

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