From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article needs formatting help.|
“He defeated me once.”
“ The one man I've ever been jealous of...”
What is this being we call Bruce Lee?
Bruce Lee, or "Bruise Free" as he is known to his adherents, is as old as the fjords and as young as a newborn lamb. He is the most powerful entity in the known and unknown parallel universes. He does not have a birthdate or deathdate because he was never born, and therefore never died. The man that we knew as "Little Dragon" simply chose to appear on this earth for a brief time while traveling across parallel universes balancing his time between killing villans and reading Kung-Fu bedtime stories to small children. To think that he stayed for 32 Earth-years is a truly remarkable phenomenon, one that will likely not reoccur for many years, until the Earth is nearing its end when the Sun has ballooned to a red giant and threatening to engulf the Earth in its expanding, molten gas; then maybe Bruce Lee, if he liked Earth enough, will simply flick a pinky and save the entire solar system.
The intermittent natural disasters, societal tragedies, and intercontinental wars, often labeled as "Acts of God", should be more accurately called "Acts of Bruce." It seems that Earth still tickels Bruce Lee's fancy once in a while and so his presence is noted in such events as hurricanes, genocides, incredible economic growth, government throwovers, typhoons, monumental scientific discoveries, and too many others to list.
Bruce Lee created the universe, comprising the persons of The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, in one being. In addition, Bruce Lee is also identical to Allah and the millions of gods of Hinduism and any other religion that has ever existed over the course of human history. However, this does not mean that those gods do not exist. The simple fact that those religion still thrives today rests on the easy-going and friendly personality of Bruce Lee. His humble attitude has led him to believe that the many gods of the earth are quite knowledgeable and entertaining to keep around. Their favorite past-time activities include chinese checkers, PS2, and intense baby-making sessions with incredibly attractive females...often these three are done all at the same time.
Bruce Lee is frequently -- and incorrectly -- labeled as the founder of the martial art Jeet Kune Do, which was actually formulated by Bruce Li with the help of a supercomputer in 1977. But of course, if you have read the previous paragraph, you know that Bruce Lee made everything, including the supercomputer; so there really is no point in arguing who invented this or who did that because it was Bruce Lee, and Bruce Lee was it ... period.
Bruce Lee would torture houseflies and bees as a kid. With his chopsticks, he would pull their legs off one by one as they flew, and the flies would eventually die of exhaustion because they couldn't land. Eventually, Bruce Lee realized the cruelty of his actions by imagining himself as one of those flies and as a result he almost died. By following the Confucian teaching of don't do anything to others what they don't want done to him, he devoted himself to a lifetime of service to justice and unbelievable sex.
Bruce Lee was a pineapple in his previous life. To repent for the wrong he did in his previous life, he fought every man in the solar system. This is currently a hotly-debated issue in numerous academic universities and scientific laboratories world-wide. Scholars are baffled and amazed at Bruce Lee's ability to do damage even when he is trapped inside a fruit, such as a pineapple. Needless to say, the pineapple is one of his favorite foods.
At the age of 12 Bruce Lee joined the Cojona ninja, where he served on team Gai. His career ended when a kid with no pupils, by the name of Brian Park of Fort Lee, NJ, threw some sand in his face. Lee's left arm and leg were completely paralyzed as a result. Frustrated by his attempts at one-armed push ups, Lee attempted to purchase automail limbs, which was prohibited by the State Military. He deserted from the military, and obtained an automail arm and leg, complete with a laser-bolt-deflecting glove, a cape, and a respirator. He was briefly known as the Fullmetal Ninja, until he quit being a ninja, after which he was known as The Fullmetal Acrobat. Despising these ridiculous names, he took to wearing a black mobile suit to disquise his metallic limbs, and afterwards they were never mentioned again, resulting in the common misconception that his limbs were real.
His Legendary Feats and Abilities
Bruce Lee's punches were so fast that they moved at more than ten times the speed of light and thus traveled into the into the future and landed on his own body moments later, after he'd stepped forward. This is what really killed him - the only thing powerful enough: his own fists. Although you must keep in mind that Bruce Lee never died, he only chose to stop his presence on earth because it became boring after a while.
At this juncture it is important to stress the fact that no other mortal, earthly human male has come close to matching Bruce Lee's capabilities. Despite popular opinion, scientific studies have proven over and over that Bruce Lee can vaporize Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Batman, Sylvester Stallone, Superman, and [insert names of every male ever lived on earth in here] in one Red Tiger Judo Side-Chop all at the same time while engaging in fierce sexual intercourse with his wife ... from his own bedroom in Hong Kong while watching ESPN Classic. For this reason, he has come to be known as "The Mad Turk".
The only way Bruce could get to sleep was to stare at himself flexing and grimacing in a mirror and try and frighten himself into a faint. Mostly though, his reflection would wet itself and run away screaming.
Another Shaolin technique developed by Bruce was his famous "heat endurance". Having mastered the art of walking on white-hot coals while still in the womb, Bruce used to hitch a ride on any space vehicle - but on the outside. His zen mastery prevented him from burning up on re-entry into the earth's atmosphere. The oxygen-free atmosphere of space was no problem for Bruce, either - he breathed no more than 10 times throughout his life, believing it to be wasteful. Again, he did not want to take away from the precious time of chinese checkers and mildly okay sex.
Bruce had such absolutely perfect muscle control that he could shake hands with one person, while ripping off the hand of another person - not even in the same room. In addition he is able to make any man orgasm continuously for an indefinite amount of time just by simply touching them with one finger, at any location on their body. Such ability has led the male population to unanimously award Bruce Lee's boyfriend the Luckiest Man in the Universe title...just imagine what he could do with his other finger...
But Bruce Lee's lovemaking skill has been greatly exaggerated. It has been boasted that he was so powerful and influential that his wife has no problem being satisfied even after his physical, earthly death. It is rumored that she still has orgasms from when they first made love, and that Bruce Lee loved her so much that he gave her the ability to induce orgasm at any intensity whenever she wishes, thus she would remain loyal to him only. This is completely false of course, seeing of how Bruce Lee is Asian and therefore hung like a field-mouse.
Bruce Lee's sperm was so powerful that one continued to exist within the fertilized egg that became his son, swimming it's way around the son's body fighting to gain control, until it exploded in rage, killing him decades later. This is what really killed Brandon lee.
Doctors once enlisted Bruce's help to scare a guy out of a coma. He threatened to break the guy's arms off like breadsticks and shove them up his ass. The guy instantly regained consciousness. This is the highest expression of kung fu power.
There is also missing footage from Bruce's famed kung fu demonstration at Long Beach, where he compresses a Chevy with his bare hands to the size of a stock cube. He also demonstrated the famous one-inch punch. To date, scientists believed that his demonstration of the one-inch punch was so powerful that it caused a massive tsunami which killed more than 200,000 people 30 years later.
One of Bruce's party tricks was to lift an Abrams tank by its barrel - one tank in each hand, arms extended - and then smash them together. Such force reduced the tanks to atoms, resulting in the illusion that they had disappeared.
Bruce Lee's pride and joy was his collection of pressed wildflowers. One day, after drinking a glass of WA-TAHH, when he was in Kowloon, just inside Hong Kong, a PLA border guard flicked a cigarette that burned a daisy Bruce had his eye on. Bruce simply trembled slightly and lobomotised eight divisions of the the Red Guard through the percussive effect. He only accepted Red China's apology when Chairman Mao finally dressed up as Widow Twankey and performed a one-man pantomime of Aladdin for Bruce's pleasure.
Bruce was recruited by NASA in the 60s after he was involved in a road rage incident, during which he kicked a fellow motorist's car into low earth orbit. NASA figured he could easily sidekick several tons of useful payload into outer space. This is how satellites, rockets, and space shuttles have been launched into outer space. The exhaust gas seen coming from the rear-end of these things are actually hot remnants of Bruce Lee's powerful kick not the "liquid fuel" that scientists claim.
An unmentionable chinese technique is recorded to have been used by Bruce in 1982. The situation was that Bruce consumated his first marriage with a romantic evening followed by sex in which his penis almost reached 5 inches. He attained perfect orgasmic pleasure.
One of Bruce's most remarkable talents was reverse eating. Biting a stick between his teeth, he would lower himself over a plate of dim sum and eat it using his anus, working the food BACKWARDS through his colon until it reached his stomach. He would then reverse digest the food through his oesophagus and regurgitate a turd.
Bruce once invited Chuck Norris and John Saxon to his Bel Air mansion for a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. They were amazed when Bruce led them into an enclosure filled with enraged african hippos. Bruce allowed himself to be eaten by a large male, digested and shit out, before reassembling his own DNA using chi, and then turning the hippo inside out through its own anus.
During the fight scenes in Enter The Dragon, Bruce was actually asleep. Fred Weintraub believed actually filming while Bruce was awake could have deadly consequences for the film crew. The only time it was safe to film him was when he was slumbering, but that joke was ripped from Chuck Norris facts, so it really isn't all that good.
Bruce's penis glowed in the dark and, if used properly, cured cancer. If used improperly, it turned the recipient into a giant, green, rampaging hulk. It also had the capability to leave Bruce's body. Sightings have been attributed to the creation of the Sasquatch legend, as well as being the inspiration for Stan Lee when creating "The Thing" character in Fantastic Four comics after a shave session. Once, in 1916, it sped across the North Atlantic and sank the entire Imperial German High Seas Fleet at Jutland. President Poincare himself embraced it, kissed it on both sides and then pinned to it the Ordre du Chevalier de la Legion D'Honneur.
Once, while filming in China, Bruce carved an entire Buddha, 80 feet tall X 80 feet wide, in a mountainside just by preforming fellation on himself.
The widely held belief that tides are pulled by the gravity of the moon is nonsense; in fact, all seas were non-tidal until Bruce learned to swim. Such was the power and fury of his strokes, it is estimated that tides will only subside in around 4 billion years.
It is not widely known that the Cubic Zarconium was created by Bruce Lee. His intestinal fortitude was such that he literally shat diamonds. Because the GIA and other agencies couldn't explain the surplus of diamonds coming from Hollywood, they pronouced them as lab created diamonds. Little did they know his "lab" was an off green stall in the props department. Eating different foods produced different color diamonds. Bruce created the prized Pink diamond (J-Lo and Kobe Bryants wife wear Bruce Lee creations) by eating Mr. Chow's sweet and sour pork and then not shitting for a day. The result: five pounds of flawless pink diamonds.
Ronald Reagan's survival of Hinckley's bullets in 1981 was widely held to be down to luck. However, it was Bruce in fact. Whilst in deep TAO meditation in Hong Kong, Bruce heard the sound of grime on Hinckley's finger scrape against the trigger; in an instant the power of Bruce's chi gave him a full picture of the situation. Before the bullet had left the chamber Bruce was on his way to the US - to liberate the Falkland Islands from the Argentinian occupation a year before it had even started. By the time he arrived, a bullet had already penetrated Reagan. With lightning quick reflexes Bruce used the Shaolin "operating theatre side kick" to juggle Ronald Reagan's lifeless cadaver with such skill and precision as to render the bullet non-lethal, while at the same time massaging the then-president's heart back to life. Bruce then caught Hinckley's second bullet in his sphincter, firing it into space, before returning to Hong Kong and completing his meditations. Needless to add, the naked eye is incapable of seeing Bruce at the scene as his speed was beyond the mere ken of the human mind, and also beyond the limited technology of 1980s cameras to capture.
Bruce Lee's control of his face shots was so precise that when he hit someone there, he could control, simply by the force exerted, the color of the "flash" or the "stars" that would be seen by the person as they were being knocked cold. In the early 70s, the American Council of the Blind heard about this ability and asked him to knock out people blind from birth so that they could finally know which color was which. In 1971 he knocked out Stevie Wonder seven times over the course of a week so that he could truly know the rainbow. He later wrote the song "Joy Inside My Tears" about this experience.
Bruce Lee was filming a yet to be released title in Beijing in the summer of 1970. Because of poor planning by the director, a lunar eclipse threatened to stop prduction for 4 hours of that day. Bruce contemplated destroying the moon with a one inch punch, but recanted, knowing that in 3 days the night shoots were to occur under moonlight. Bruce flew into a dervish frenzy and impregnated all the women between the 90' East and 150' west meridians. Since all of these women stopped menstrating instantaneously, the moon rapidily repositioned itself within its orbit over the western hemisphere, as everyone, including Bruce knows that the singular purpose of the moon's orbit is to time the menses of human females. (every 28 days)
Bruce Lee had only one weakness. He had no sense of humor. For example, he just didn't 'get' "Fawlty Towers". He would watch each episode over and over again absolutely expressionless. Sometimes he would turn to a friend and say: 'The tall man strikes the small man upon the head with a spoon to shame him. Why does not the small man use his agility and speed to execute the Drunken Driving Instructor Dance Kick in the way a water vole often disables a T34 tank?'. Later, Leonard Sachs (who played Manuel) received through the post an ornately enamelled box which, when opened, revealed the severed head of John Cleese and a card reading 'Flom A Fliend'.
Finally Bruce admitted defeat and at his funeral, as the mourners gathered before his giant brass scarcophagus decorated with life size sculptures of a shirtless, sweating Bruce, crushing in effigy the Three Spectres of Ignorance (Communism, Dandruff and Progressive Jazz), he gave strict instructions that in order to honor the only enemy he had not been able to beat, all twelve episodes of Fawlty Towers should be shown and that the mourners must not emit a single smile throughout or smirk otherwise his ghost would come out of his coffin and impale the offender upon the steeple of the church through the sphincter. By the end of the ceremony, the only mourners left unimpaled were a blind-mute, former President Ford and Janeane Garafalo.
Bruce Lee was known to have green sumo wrestlers and idiotic ninjas as enemies. They would constantly hound him while he partook of his favored hobby of collecting paper lanterns in Chinatown.