Brit
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“We Irish love being called British!”
~ Oscar Wilde on being a Brit
“Now genuinely free of Catholics!”
~ Titus Oates on Brits
“We surrender!”
~ The French on Brits
Brits are old yet superior Scandinavians who inhabit a small island off the coast of Greenland. They are generally considered to be arrogant creatures apart from those who inhabit Britain's less famous suburb known as Wales. However, the Welsh are blissfully unaware of most things, including the factthat they are British. For some reason, all 'Merkins assume British people have terrible teeth, and are usually bewildered to discover they have shocking good dental hygene, unlike ol' Billy-Bob-McMoonshine who only has 1 tooth and that one belongs inside a racoon.
[edit] Geography
Looking at the world map, with the time meridian in the centre (we put it there because we invented time and we can put the line where the fuck we want to), we can see that Britian is in the centre and at the top, just to keep an eye on the foreigners.
Britian does not suffer from huge earthquakes, volcanoes, destructive tornadoes or hurricanes. Thats because God is British and you dont shit on your own doorstep, do you?
[edit] Industry
The British invented everything from TVs to the aeroplane. Yes those inbreeds across the pond might mumble something about the so-called "Wright Brothers", but the fact is a lad called John Stringfellow was flying planes 10 years before those two hill billies were born. The British also invented the computer, the airliner, the aircraft carrier, the steam catapult, the steam locomotive, the match, the single piece incandescant light bulb (sorry yanks, Eddison was 20 years too late), the subway train, movies, the electric motor, wire rope, wall paper, rifled guns, tanks, domestic electrification, and the dick,becuase they are clearly have the biggest ones, radar, the jet engine to name a few. As such the British can afford to sit back and have everything else made for them for £1.
[edit] Food
Brits have few dishes - some examples are “The fish and the chips”, “Beans on toast” and “boiled meat with boiled vegetables and brown gravy”. All come with a side order of 15% Value Added Tax, because of it is of nutritonal value, an idea that makes your typical American faint, they waddle off to the nearest McDonalds,
Caution! British food, while practically perect, can be exotic to the inexperienced (i.e american) traveller. The americans believe there is no equivalent phrase in the British language for the French “Bon appetit”, which just shows how ignornat some people can be.
[edit] Women
British Women are said to be the most beautiful in the world. Most other women tend to be jealous of the class and appearance of the British female and it has to be said - who can blame them? The majority look like Keira Knightley, Parminder Nagra or Sophie Okonedo, so it is no surprise that men worldwide are salivating over the opportunity to meet them. Unfortunately, some also look like Jade Goody or Margaret Thatcher, so care is best exercised when dating via the interwebs.
[edit] Men
Most British men fall into two categories; gay or in the closet. The country struggles to repopulate itself as a result, although regular visits from Johnny Foreigner means that the national sperm pool has been augmented over the centuries. Some notable contributors include Johnny Viking, Giovanni Eyetie and of course the bastard French. You too can help this struggling country, please come over here and, well, come over here.
Grooming is vitally important to the British man, and he will typically spend up to twenty-five minutes on his daily hygiene routine, usually assisted by his manservant or valet. A cold shower (preferably out-of-doors) is followed by a brisk rub-down with a scratchy towel and then a shave with a blunt razor. Liberal quantities of Brylcreem (a kind of hair dressing made from pig fat) are applied to the freshly-tonsured locks. The British man is then ready to be dressed, be it in the finest tweed suit or a pair of Union Jack shorts and an “I'm With Stupid” t-shirt.
[edit] Military
Having been pwned repeatedly for centuries by all-comers in a series of invasions, the Brit eventually came to understand the importance of a strong military. Years of experimenting with various kinds of facial hair led eventually to the development of the military moustache, with which they successfully invaded much of the less civilised world.
Britain's most effective weapon of choice was Thomas Hardy's moustache. It is believed that this moustache could wipe out an entire legion of Roundheads with a single twitch.
Although Winston Churchill did not himself possess a moustache, historians believe that he was able to defeat Hitler just by sounding as though he could grow a beauty if he wanted to.
[edit] Class
For years everybody in Britain had a place assigned to them at birth in the highly-regimented class system, which looked like this.
- The Queen (or it may have been a king, or in the case of James VI, both),
- Her posse; Lords, Dukes etc. Fabulously wealthy, lived in palaces.
- Knights, bishops, castles and prawns. Filthy rich, lived in nice houses with double-glazing and off-street parking.
- Everybody else, no money at all, who lived in fields, hedges and ditches.
President Blair Witch I outlawed the class system in the 1980s, and “class” became a dirty word, much like “fuck” or “arsehole”. Despite these efforts, remnants of the system can be seen today. Or even “bollocks”. As of the year 2009 the class system in Britian goes:
- The Queen
- Premiership footballers.
- Reality TV presenters
- Merchant Bankers, although not as much now.
- Everybody else, (still no money at all).
Be warned that different social classes speak different varieties of English. It is worth remembering that when gently asked "to step outside for a bout of fisticuffs" by a "toff", he is planning to smash your face in. When told "I'm gonna smash ur face in, bruv" you should know that whatever lowly prole is threatening you is probably sozzled and that you really, really shouldn't have called him a poof.
Barmy British Stuff
