Britney Spears
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Brittanica "Britney" Spears is a talented American entertainer, singer, dancer and sociopath. Her seductive voice and charming looks infuse her art with true aesthetics. Through her music, Britney communicates messages and feelings powerfully, boldly and convincingly. She has a special gift for energizing, empowering and inspiring the person experiencing her art, so that this person feels involved in the artistic process. Britney's performances are thrilling invitations to a shared emotion, and you can feel her personality immediately next to you with all its multi-layered charm and sophisticated sweetness. Britney's eyes and lips radiate enchanting sincerity and touching warmth which she generously shares with every admirer of her art. However, Britney is most famous for her mental breakdowns and acts of insanity such as shaving her head. Britney is also a child welfare officer in her spare time as well as a part-time nun at the local synagogue.
The Finding
After the demise of the The Spice Girls, media bosses agreed that the next big thing should be a 'Relatively Talentless Wholesome All-American Girl Who Says She is a Virgin While Displaying the Morals of a Call Girl in Vegas at 3 AM'. However, the Leaders were in a panic as to where they could find such a creature. After scouring America tirelessly for months on end (and sacrificing several dozen Republicans to Cthulhu), they stumbled upon a goldmine in the state of Canadia: Britney Can't Touch These Spears. Rumour has it that Spears has her own spear. Also she has speared Bill Gates, John Howard and Gandhi. One thing that we know is she's afraid of stairs.
The Early Spears
After a brief stint in gymnastics in her native Louisiana, Britney made a very difficult decision with the help of her mother, a.k.a Attila the Mom. Instead of focusing on her very promising talent as a preteen gymnast, she decided instead to focus on her lack of talent in singing, acting, and trying to live the thug life. Along with Justin Timberlake, she became part of The New Mickey Mouse League, which was based on the World War II Hitler Youth Program. This was an attempt to bombard America with preteen entertainment that was so incredibly lame that it would numb their brains. This would then leave them unable to think, which left them easy prey for hypnotist Karl Rove, who convinced them to vote for his animatronic Disney puppet George W. Bush.
She left the show to focus on her singing and dancing. In a move to turn the younger generation against those pesky lesbian feminists, top lyricists, stylists and publicists were employed by the patriarchal Sony to create the song ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ and the corresponding film clip directed by Stanley Kubrick, with Britney performing both. The message was successful, with millions of preteen and teenage girls around the world making sexual objects out of themselves in school uniform, and millions of preteen and teenage boys smiling strangely and drinking lots of Cherry Coke, after which they would head down to the nearest preschool to bitch-slap as many toddlers as they could find. This pleased Sony greatly, and Britney’s contract was extended.
The Rebellion Against The Lack of Sex And Subsequent Downfall
Unfortunately, as the new millennium settled in, things began to go sour. The company was losing money, and Britney had hit post-adolescence and felt the need to have dominating sex and smuggle peanuts as a way of furthering her career. Hello Kitty was rehired as stylist and Kevin Bacon was brought in to give Britney a new look, one that included bondage items and bigger fake breasts. Unfortunately, the lack of clothes did not make up for lack of sales (the advance of the internet meant that teenage boys could look up Brit pr0n without having to buy her discs, and Justin Timberlake had already been seen naked with Tom Cruise). Things were looking grim.
The Requisite Re-Rise To Fame
Not only was Britney’s career in shambles, but her love life was too, after a string of boyfriends were found dead with 27 self-inflicted stab wounds (19 of which appeared to have been made by forks) and their brains missing. Sony needed to upgrade her to a classier image, and fast. And lo! The knight in shining armour, otherwise known as Cletus McKFed, galloped in valiantly, resplendent in his baseball cap, baggy shorts, socks, sandals, and a body odour that could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. Britney was also put through court for seducing President Bush and having an orgy with him, his wife, Clay AIken and Natasha Beddingfeild. She was realesed under charges of harassment, rape and "fun-time." Bush was never the same after that, then he cheated on his wife, Laura for Condeleeza Rice. The relationship, coupled with the release of a greatest hits album and the prospect of a celebrity wedding, fueled Britney’s popularity with the media to heights known not before. Britney then became the eye of the media with her biggest talent EVER: getting knocked up and dropping babies.
The Birth of Brit-Brit
It was within such a relationship that Britney really grew comfortable with herself. She discovered the joys of activities such as: wearing clothes so alluring that they'd make a bishop kick out a stained glass window; being photographed with (speculative) face cream still drying on her face; shoving her bare feet in paparazzi lenses; putting teenage boys on leashes; smoking excessively; and consuming unbelievable amounts of Cherry Coke, as well as Cheetos and other deep-fried foods. Husband Kevin supported such self-discovery, as he supported his free access to Britney’s cheque book. After many months of eating for two, Britney finally produced a baby of sorts, which she immediately handed to her mother and sister to take care of so that she could resume smoking.
The Collected Text Messages
On 24th April 2006, Yale University announced one of its most ambitious projects to date, a proposed plan to produce a new 26-volume critical, authoritative, scholarly edition of the text messages of Britney Spears, to replace the original Princeton Edition, which has since become outdated. The project is expected to take at least 40 years to complete and will require the devotion of the complete staff of Yale's language and literature department, who said in a recent press release, "This is a monumental event in world-literature that will be studied for generations to come across the world.".
The first volume (The Complete Text Messages of Britney Spears, Vol. 1) is set to be released worldwide in 2009. It will also contain an appendix of assorted Post-It Notes.
A Martian edition will be released in spring of 5022 in, of course, Mars.
The Peak of Britney's Career
- Her pristine image was first tarnished when home movies and videos taken of her backstage antics as a preteen star on The New Mickey Mouse League were revealed. This were compiled with footage of The Olsen Twins and other preteen stars, and made into the film Preteen Slut VII: The Pedophile Trap.
- There have been some rumors that Ms. Spears' image has been augmented by plastic surgery on her just recently discovered penis, whom she secretly named Malcolm X. You have to admit, Britney's pears are too big to be real! While it is true that she did meet with plastic surgeon John Lennon, and paid his full fee for a complete top-to-bottom makeover, chances are all he really did was poof up her pubes a little and put some lipstick on her. In retaliation, Britney started cheating on Lennon and playing fun with Elvis (her Persian cat, that is). We will never know for sure; soon after the meeting, the surgeon was seen in public wearing a leash pulled by a smiling Britney. Soon after, the surgeon was found dead, with 27 stab wounds in the back and his brain missing from his skull. Initially ruled a homicide, Ms. Spears was called in as a suspect; however, after the interview with Britney and her two fathers, police as well as the local coroner stopped licking Britney's feet long enough to rule the surgeon's death a suicide. This is when Britney was inspired to write the number one hit "Viva Viagra"
- More recently Britney Spears has begun to use Bhangra in her songs and rumours abound about a possible role in a Bollywood film.
- Also Britney Spears had several flaminal animals what caught on fire due to the flammable nature of flannel when exposed to a crack pipe.
- Ms. Spears' anatomy is the work of evil genius Beau Scott who's other life accomplishments include Angelina Jolie's lips, Jennifer Lopez's ass, and the M1A2 Tank's size.
- A little known fact is that Spears has had more than one brain cell at two points in her life--each time she was pregnant.
- Britney forgot to wear underwear after spending $10,000 on panties. Numerous photos were captured, revealing a semi-deformed clitoris. Many men turned gay. the number of lesbians in the US population dropped a staggering 92.1%. However, the number of hermaphrodites increased because all straight men decided they wanted to grow breasts to be just like her.
- It has been suggested that Ms. Spears is the leader of an ancient evil secret organization known as the Priory of Simian. The group supposedly draws its power by draining the sinks of over 13 million self-absorbed, glassy eyed, desperately horny transvestites. The Ilumnaughty's primary goals are world domination and a smooth complexion. Other notable (but unconfirmed) members include Hilary Duff, Rosie O'Donnell, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Cousin It, Carmen Electra, Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Simpson. Other Conspiracy Theorists maintain this is utter nonsense, and that the group actually draws power by draining the sacs of over 13 million self-absorbed, glassy eyed, desperately horny middle-aged men.
- Britney ate a ten year old girl's toenail at a concert after the girl asked her if her balls were fake. The ten year parents sued Britney and the issue was resolved in under five seconds.
- For 10 weeks she went straight, the longest ever recorded on Google
- Appeared briefly in the relaunch of Crossroads thinking it was a Hollywood film, briefly married to Benny, Carlton TV couldn't pay her enough though and as that was the only reason it kept going for a bit, it ended when she left - the high point was the fight scene with Jane Austen over top billing, it was real but Carlton needed the footage, after winning the fight she was briefly in charge of child pornography. She has now bought up the rights and plans a number of music videos including the motel of the series, of course though with gals and guys gyrating skimpily dressed with lots of leather and whips and hides of deceased dogs.
- Recently announced that she was going to be the first ever woman to marry and have sex with every circumsized male in the world.
- After divorcing Fed-Ex, she was caught hitting a car with an umbrella because someone told her to put on some underwear.
Divorce
On November 7, 2006, the world reacted with shock at the news that Britney had filed for divorce from Cletus McKfed. Britney had filed papers the day before, but it took a while for CNN to confirm whether or not this was the real Britney Spears.
“There were rumors all the time of their divorce. We weren't sure if it was real this time.”
~ Wolf Blitzer on the credibility of Britney Spears's divorce
“I just got tired of using him as a tool.”
~ Britney Spears on her recent divorce with Kevin Federline
On November 7, it was confirmed by the entire world that K-Fed had become Fed-Ex. Ironically, the ex-Mr. Spears is reportedly working for FedEx, which is weird considering he's never worked a day in his life and never will.
Britney, meanwhile, decided to celebrate being single by demonstrating her true upper-class status by hiring Paris Hilton to personally teach her to be slutty. Ms. Hilton's lessons' included flashing her bajingo the paparazzi, a trend which is increasingly popular among female celebrities. She then gained 150lbs, shaved her head, took some pills then checked into rehab. After leaving rehab the following morning, she went to Paris Hilton's dog box and smoked some more weed, then went to Lindsay Lohan's house and got plastered. She has been doing the same thing ever since. Together they co-ordinate their law breaking and other controversy, shaving their heads, holding barefoot Ladies Fight Club in petrol station toilets and exposing themselves in public. Amy Winehouse is reputed to have joined their club!
Little did Britney know, her children we soon to be taken from her evil clutches and given to their caring dad, FedEx. Both parents will now continue to insult and bitch slap each other despite the presence of people from parenting classes, which seems to be failing.
Marriage to Chris Brown
Chris Brown the woman beating R&B artist, married Britney in the White/Black House in July 2009 but soon after that Chris Brown started to beat the fuck out of her because he felt it was best. He publically said on the Jesus show on Fox that "He beat the fuck out of Rhianna, now it was Britney's turn." Britney is in the middle of a divorce and plotting a revenge attack on Chris "The Womanizer" Brown!
Future
On November 6, 2008, Spears won two awards at the MTV Europe Music Awards 2008, "Album of The Year" for Blackout and "Act of 2008",[157] and despite not being present, two acceptance videos were taped and shown at the show.[158][159] Circus debuted at number one on the Billboard 200 selling 505,000 copies in its first week. This became Spears's fifth number one album, making her the only act in Nielsen SoundScan history to have four albums debuted with 500,000 copies or more.[160] It is also Spears's second album, the first being ...Baby One More Time, to have charted two top-ten singles as "Circus", the follow up single to the number-one hit "Womanizer", debuted at number three on the Hot 100, making it her highest debut on the chart as well as her seventh top ten hit.
In January 2009, Spears and her father obtained a restraining order against the singer's former manager/friend Sam Lutfi, one-time beau Adnan Ghalib, and attorney Jon Eardley—all of whom, court documents claim, have been conspiring to gain control of the pop star's affairs. The restraining order forbids Lutfi and Ghalib from contacting Spears or coming within 250 yards of her, her property or family members.[161]
In February 2009, Spears achieved further success in solidifying her comeback by having the second single of off her comeback album, "Circus" rise to number one on the Top 40 Radio Chart, making it the first time Spears has achieved back-to-back number one hits on the Top 40 Chart along with her comeback single, "Womanizer".[162] This makes her fifth number one song on the chart, putting her in a tie for second place for most number one Top 40 songs in the Mainstream Top 40's sixteen year history. Mariah Carey is in first place with six number one songs.[163]
In March, Spears launched her seventh tour to promote her Circus album. The Circus Starring: Britney Spears began its run on March 3, 2009 in Spears's home state of Louisiana. Opening night, as well as every following show in North America, sold out. The tour spanned through North America, Europe, and Australia.[164]. Britney was accompanied by her children on the tour, and are in her custody for over 50% of the time for the duration of the tour.[165]
In April 2009, Spears declared her support for same-sex marriage to the media, following the controversial incident on Miss USA where contestant Carrie Prejean, representing California, expressed her disapproval of same-sex unions. The message left by Spears on her Twitter page read “Love is love! People should be able to do whatever makes them happy!”[166] After years of absence, Forbes magazine listed Spears as the thirteenth most powerful celebrity as she made $35 million from June 2008 to June 2009. [7] In June 2009, it was confirmed that Spears is dating her agent Jason Trawick.[167] In July 2009 Spears confirmed threw her Twitter that she has begun recording new material, stating that she was going into the studio with producer Max Martin.[168] Also producer and remixer Russ Castella posted a message on Twitter stating that he is working on a track titled "Dirty Girl" for Spears.[169]
Namesake
Brittany Spears is also the name of a bluegrass artist, originally from Beattyville, Kentucky and now living in a parallel universe that only exists in cyberspace and in the blogosphere, thanks to a perverted little mind who loves to bag on Britney. Despite not existing in real life, Brittany is more musically talented than Britney, which is saying a lot about Britney.
Studio albums (1990–present)
| Year | Title |
|---|---|
| 1990 | GodWeenSatan: The Oneness |
| 1991 | The Pod |
| 1992 | Pure Guava |
| 1994 | Chocolate & Cheese |
| 1996 | 12 Golden Country Greats |
| 1997 | The Mollusk |
| 2000 | White Pepper |
| 2003 | Quebec |
| 2007 | La Cucaracha |
